Sunday, July 24, 2005


The air was moist in my return. The leaves were greener and the sweet cool air was relished. Moist full air. I remember each breath. I could feel it rush into me. I could feel the wind on my face. Crimson leaves reminded me of change. There was the uncanny ability to always depend on one thing remaining the same: change.

I felt lost in the cool air. My heart, so full of passion, looked at the leaves and saw itself. It was dying - dying so much, but feeling more alive than it had ever been. My passion consumed every part of my soul. But I was young. My heart didn't know much. I desired some unknown pleasure.

I wrapped myself from the outside. Two t-shirts covered my heart. The first, white - thick, deep cotton blend, peeked out in front of my pants. It lay nearly hidden by the second, red - white hamburger "Better Burgers" imprinted on the back. Thick dark green pants hung from my waste. They were cut at the feet. Cut to show off the red. My red shoes displayed the way I wished to be. Bright. Funny. Worn. True.

The nights were cold. That autumn cold. I never wanted to go inside though. I thought constantly of the campfires of my youth. Sitting, watching a flame burn, I'd give up my mind and let it be lost in the flames. The firelight sent with it anything that would grab my fascination. Some blues, yellows, oranges, whites would all dance around in the most random ways.

That was the first Fall I came back to Illinois. I felt good because I had accomplished much. I had gone to a school nearly a thousand miles away. I maintained good friendships, picked up some new hobbies, worked a camp job another thousand miles away in the opposite direction, nearly fell in love and found myself along the way.

The world was small to me and I could accomplish anything. I knew I could be here for a while because I knew my life sat held out for me. I was content. I said I could always return to Colorado in the summer times. I could always get a little side adventure in during the summer.

Last year, I spent two days in Colorado. I spent the rest with my friend Marc hiking with some partial climbing in Wyoming. I would not give up that trip for anything, but I still miss Colorado quite a bit. It is more of a home for me than any place ever has been. One of my best friends didn't even get the true me last time. I was tired and the altitude gave me a huge headache when I went too high too fast. I tried to keep up but just couldn't and then I wasn't myself. Erinn got my worst two days. I want to make it up to her. I didn't even get to see my long lost friend Travis. Emily tried to come, but the two days didn't play into her schedule.

I promised many people I'd come this year. I signed up for a medical study just for that reason. I really don't like them, but I'd do anything to keep a promise.

Right now it seems I have a choice between living in a house with one of my good buddies or living in the dorms. The house would be super nice, but looks like if I choose the house - No Colorado. I never like the dorms and I always seem to get paired with somebody who isn't the greatest roommate. But if that is what it takes for one week out in Colorado to keep a promise to not only my friends, but my sister who needs me. Then that is what I shall do. Maybe Ryan will move out in the Spring and we can find a place together.

I thought everything was planned out. I guess I was wrong. I doubt I will go to school next summer. I think I'd rather work for once and save up some money. The Peace Corps will come soon and then I can start to follow my plans. But for now, the main plan is school and keeping up with my promises. I can save the luxury of a house for later in life if it comes down to it.

I certainly need a break from Illinois.

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Ambitiously enduring.