Thursday, July 07, 2005
I have one friend missing. She is one family member gone.
Tears wouldn't do her justice because she always had a smile. I miss her. I walked up to the casket and I couldn't help but cry. Barb was there. It was very comforting to have her there, but I still felt ripped apart inside.
Even now I cry. Tears mark my cheeks, moving down for a salty taste. I wish she wasn't gone. None of this feels real. But there she was. And she is gone. No one will ever be able to bring her back. I can barely see. My eyes are swollen. She was always so damn cheerful and carefree. I remember the last time we spoke. I told her to take better care of herself, and that I was worried. God, why would I have had to say I was worried. I should have just stayed close to her. I should have went to Colorado this summer. I should have been there. It wouldn't have happened.
I told Linda I would be there tomorrow. I don't want to go. I am so afraid that I'll never stop crying. I can't even think of the pain Linda must be going through.
Everything in my life is changing so fast. It unravels before my eyes have time to adjust. I always think of things in terms of consistency and now nothing is left. I mean I get in relationships and always think that this might be the one and it never is. I leave behind everything in hopes that this might be the one career for me, and it isn't. And most of all, I leave behind friends that I will forever see again, and now I don't. And for Carrie, I never will again. I think back on all the good times between us and I smile, but I cry to think nothing new lies in the future. I will forever miss you, Carrie. Be blessed wherever you are now.