Sunday, July 17, 2005
What a dream. More like, 'What a nightmare!'
I guess it got to me a lot more than I would even admit, but yeah she does get to me. Harsh words always get to me, but those words scare me more.
They were only just words. I had only heard them once so they were only just words.
I stepped up towards her and one of her friends came before me.
"No. You don't get to see her. She doesn't even want to speak to you," she said.
I stepped back. I couldn't even believe it. I mean it was true. Obviously she never wanted to speak to me. Then I began to just to ask why, but no response came.
"Come on. Just tell me why. I want to know why I bother you so much. I want to know if you really think that I am this swagger of a man. I want to know if one wreckless night unhinged me in your mind forever," I said.
"I don't know. You just scare me," she said.
Her friend came back with someone and suddenly I was being chased. Frantically, I balanced myself between believing in myself and not. At one moment I was content. I would gather my thoughts and think, 'why is it ever even worth it to know that people expect you to be so settled in life.' But then I would think differently. It would all just hit me. Maybe she thinks of me as someone who is scary. And the fear would settle in.
And I ran on. My legs cramped, but I still ran. I was being chased the entire time. I could see a picture of her friend, a vicious smile and smug appearance behind it all.
I held hands with fear. I gathered in mercy's court. I stopped and the chase was over. Two men approached with caution. They quivered as they came closer. I slumped to the ground. I knew I was gone. Their hands came down on my back.
I awoke. - End of dream
Yeah. Wow. What a dream! I haven't had a dream like that since I broke up with Charlotte. What is it with me and the girls that always make me feel horrible for everything.
I hardly ever drink, but one night I do and get lost outside in the country. (walking) I left tons of drunken voice mails about how I was lost in the country. My friend from U of I actually guided me back with mapquest. I would have laughed my ass off had another friend told me this. In fact, some of my other friends did laugh because this doesn't happen very much. But as always, it was different with the girl. It ends with this dream.
In all actuality, it ended with Angie ignoring me. I'm not professional enough for her anyway. I will go to law school, and I still won't be professional enough for her. She wants someone who looks good, always. She wants someone who settles down nicely on a picture frame with no embarrassing stories about the picture. It seems to me she wants a nice settled life. One that I have never found. One that would be too boring, too undramatic. It wouldn't be a lovely life. It would just be boring.
I want my kids to go out and have fun. That is why I work so hard. I want people in the world not to have to suffer at the hands of a manipulator. That is why I work so hard. I don't do it so everyone can look at me and say,"Hey. That Brian guy really has everything figured out." and I never will.
But I do sit here and dwell on it. This isn't going to ruin my day, I say. But I know the dream has made an impact. It will take much to remember it is only a dream.
Today, I go hiking with an old friend if it doesn't rain. The gray sky overcasts my window, but maybe it will happen. I haven't seen her in months, and I am lucky I stumbled upon her number.