Sunday, July 10, 2005
Past few days were hard. Tough times in a time when nothing is easy. Yet it was never supposed to be. I heard it long ago that I would have a very tough road with all that I wanted to accomplish. I doubt it will get any easier. People shall come. People shall go. I will miss her, but I have to have Faith in the way it works. I shall move on. One thing I discovered, though. It is only useful talking about someone you lost with someone who cared the same or a great deal more. So the burden is always on the person who cared the most. No one knew Carrie like her mother. She will carry the burden, even though others will try to take it where they can.
I am moving on. I have to. I am happier than I was a few days ago.
Played soccer the other day. It felt so good to have the ball underneath my feet. The hardcore sprints at the end were nice as well. It felt so good to give something my all. (Like climbing.) It takes everything to climb - brains, heart and body.
I miss love. I miss a girl that I could love. I hate the fakeness. I thought I loved Charlotte once upon a time, but I know I wouldn't be happy with her. She was a nice catch, but never happy with me. I had to let her go. I could have had Amy, but I let her go. I didn't know how far to go. I didn't know the lines. She will be married any day now. We are drifting further apart. Soon, I doubt I will be but a fading memory in her life. But that is fine.
It is not okay, however, how far I am getting away from Erinn. I remember being so in love with her. I would do anything for her. My days went so fast when I was with her. We would leave the world behind and submerge into a blazing world of craziness. When I moved, she stayed. She always called, and we only thought it would be a short time until I moved back. Yet I never did. And now she starts to move on. I call her from time to time to pose "the question." We have a good laugh, and I move on. I wonder what would have happened if I stayed. Or I suddenly came back. Unfortunately, we are too practical to believe anything could happen. I wish we weren't.
I have found exactly what I want in a girl, but never in one girl. I wanted poetic. I found Amy. I wanted crazy spontaneity. I found Erinn. I wanted a climber. I found Emily. I wanted someone with a good soul and a good purpose. I found Melissa. - Amy was just happy with anyone. She is a very sweet girl. Erinn doesn't seem to want me at all. She has a million guys clamoring after her every footstep. Emily wanted me and I turned her down, because I wanted all those other things. Melissa was in love with another when I found her. She only fooled herself.
So, truthfully, I have not even come close to finding her. The girl that will be worth it. The girl that will see life is truly short. A girl that isn't afraid of emotions, is crazy and bold, beautiful in soul and mind and just fun to be around. I didn't think that was too much to ask. Maybe in today's society it is though. Or maybe i'm just being ideal again.
On a good note.
The rock will never leave me wanting. And I'll always have my soccer ball.