Sunday, August 21, 2005

I awake.

Agonizingly, I crawl down from bed - each step, one step closer to silencing a ringing alarm.

Then I focus. I stretch my arms and legs and walk down the hall to a room with a nice 16th floor view. I sit down and concentrate. I focus on where I am, right now. I focus on the present and remember who I am and what I am trying to do. I focus on all that has happened since the last time I sat down. My mind finds this zone and I lose myself.

Before I notice, half an hour has passed. I feel centered. I leave.

My focusing in the morning might have something to do with the fact I started to cry in church today. When something bad happens, I become cold. So when Carrie died, my heart cried out and then began to chill. When I was told I couldn't go out to see the mountains, I became a little colder. And when I found that I was still seen as dependent upon someone who clearly cannot support me through college, my heart sunk down and only my will kept it alive. I never lost hope, but my heart clearly could not speak for everything it wanted to say. It might have been too painful.

Now, it starts to speak again. It wants to seek something. It wants to do something with all of its ability.

I worked my body to the point of collapse lastnight. It now feels good to feel the soreness in my muscles.

As I begin to focus on my own life, I would only invite those in that would not derail what I'm trying to accomplish. I want those good in heart and purpose to be part of my life. I want those that speak of truth and uncompromising principle to find a good place. I want those people that need help to come to me. I do not want the callous anymore. I could not handle the fake. Let them go and be with others. I shall not go and seek anyone like this.

This year is a year to prove my own self worth. If I focus and use the resources God gave me, I shall begin to see my entire potential. I would really like to see that.

I think if I could even realize my entire potential just once, I would never lose confidence in my abilities ever again. But who knows... one must have goals.

No comments:


About Me

My photo
Ambitiously enduring.