Monday, August 22, 2005

Let it go...

I realized today that one of my worst fears is not being able to have any control over my own life at times. It is a pretty scary concept for me. I realized when I start to fall on a lead climb, I cannot just let go and take the fall. I always need to know I"ll have some way to protect myself from its consequences.

But such is life and such I must learn. I must learn to just let go with trust in my heart that everything will end up okay.

I worked today trying to get my internet hooked up but with no avail. I went up to see if Ryan wanted to go get something to eat and he was hanging out with Caitlin. I just felt like I was getting in the way. He called about going climbing tomorrow - maybe he felt bad. My schedule is too busy though. Today was pretty much the one day I might have had. It is okay though. However, I can just imagine how our friendship is going to be - scattered, infrequent. But that is also okay. I understand he has priorities the same as I do.

Later, I called a girl I like. I asked her to go to the movies, which is pretty untypical for Monday nights, but I thought what the hell. I might as well try. She shot me down, but sounded like she might want to do something. I need to find more stuff to do in Carbondale. I don't know though. She always seems to want to do something around her roommate. It makes me uneasy and awkward like I'm being watched. She also never seems to want to leave her house. Or maybe it is just me. I have a tough time reading the girls I like. It just seems like too much trouble sometimes.

No one wanted to go climbing yesterday either. I've met three new climbers so far. But I still value my old friends too much and trust them too much with climbing. I wanted to go with them. I guess I'm just being a little childish and should just find a new partner.

It is only the beginning of school. I knew there would be some kinks. I still have a good feeling about this year.

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Ambitiously enduring.