Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Fall at SIU so far

When things can't get any worse, wait and watch the downward spiral continue until nothing is left. I never thought it could get to this point, but it has, and now I am left for worries.

In the past three days, I have lost my computer, cell phone and car. No music, my stories gone, no one can call me, I can call no one and I am very much - more than ever - trapped. I am again the poorest I have ever been. I have no one and no one has me. I am not strong enough to care about anyone at the this point. Maybe that is why I do not feel so much pain. I know I am not strong enough to bear it all, or maybe I feel too worried that if I try, I shall fail - and horribly fail at that.

One cannot question Fate however. I was meant to suffer this semester for some reason or another. I really wish at this point I knew why. I do know my grades will not suffer in the process and my friends shall bear no bad affections from me. I shall just be alone for the time being. I will be alone until I figure out how I might come about the neccessities of college life today. I do not need a cell phone or a car, but my computer has been vitally important.

I constantly think of how good it felt to be away from Illinois. A writer once said if you follow your own personal legend the world will open up before you. It will bend to make it possible to go where you must. I really do believe that. I believe maybe I have strayed from my path and maybe this is some weird omen sent to capture me and deliver me back.

Right now, I am full of questions no one can answer. I am at a point where no one will help and I must be strong. My whole life has been about these circumstances, and still I believed maybe I didn't need to be alone. Maybe I believed sometimes I could have fallen and someone might have picked me up off the ground. But I very well know the truth, and sadly enough Angie was right. I hate to say what I only thought was so horrible of a thought before. But she was.

We only have ourselves to make us who we are, and no one along the way will help us. If we fail, we fail by our own designs and our own admissions into this world. If we fail, it is not society's fault, or our parent's or anyone else's- just ours. So I must remember in the words someone once said if I have need of a helping hand - I have two right in front of me.

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Ambitiously enduring.