To live dangerously - That is what I really yearn for.
I want to be in danger, live progressively, create memories, find my future, never hold back and be bold. Maybe that is why it tears me apart to be here, knowing I can't leave. What if I just get into a slump where I don't go anywhere? Does trapped now mean trapped later?
My birthday went rather well, some good conversations. I would have rather been climbing all day or taken some big trip to Colorado. Haha. (like that could have been possible.)
I called Lynsi on my birthday and asked her to come and hang out. I believe she responded to one of my friends that I did not care anything about her, but that is clearly not true. I just thought this way would just work out and no one would be really hurt. I really hope she wasn't.
I haven't spoken to Erinn for nearly a month now it seems. When I told her I wasn't coming out, she stopped speaking. Clearly, I was right about if I did not take the trip. It seems to me that I must get away, secure some finances somehow. I'm letting my stress drag into other areas. It is not helping me.
Today, I woke up, felt uncentered and walked with Sobee (Indian girl down the hall that I'm friends with) to the immunization office. I guess she felt uncomfortable walking alone. It is all good. Walking back, I thought "hey that girl is cute. I wonder if I could talk to her." So I got another number and said I'd call her sometime. We also had breakfast together. However, it wasn't enough. It never is.
I REALLY WANT SOMETHING MORE MEANINGFUL, SUSPENSEFUL, USEFUL, POETIC.
Maybe I'm just too much of a poet. Who knows? But I am way too young to be giving up on things now. ;-).