Monday, September 19, 2005

My pilgrimage

Life changes constantly.

Man improves himself as he follows his path; if he stands still, waiting to improve before he makes a decision, he'll never move. - Paulo Coelho

So what is college to me then? Is it truly the path or is it me "standing still" waiting to improve before I make that decision.

I must do something. I must force myself to work harder or straighter than I have been working. I wait and wait to become better, but never know how good I really am. I am so afraid of failure that it keeps me stationary. Fear and waiting have become my undoing.

I think, "Later I will solve my problems. Later I will submit my short story for publication. Later I will submit a piece to a magazine. Later, when I have more behind me, will I start my application process to the Peace Corps."

I have, in fact, waited so long and wanted it so badly that failure does not scare me so much anymore. I think sometimes I'd rather fail trying than sit here a minute longer. I know I need this damn degree to show to everyone, but a million times over I wish I was in a more positive learning atmosphere than this school. The times when I am truly stimulated seem to be when I am away.

No more sitting around. No climbing shoes until things are done. I want my short story to go so I have to make it happen. I want to start logging some of the volunteer hours I have been doing. I need to get the flyers for the Bioneers done today. Need to start a project to work on my French. Climbing club agenda needs to be organized. I need to stop stressing and just get the things done that I need to get done. They are not hard. They are not impossible.

In words only one friend might get right now. I need to grab the rope, hold on and take the plunge. (Yelling at the top of my lungs all the while.)

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Ambitiously enduring.