Monday, November 14, 2005

Empty Christmas

Awww, that jolly good ol' time is approaching once again. Soon our materialistic society will explode, and it will be hard to avoid the onslaught of advertisers.

But I can't help think of it in another way.

I remember standing on lakefront in Chicago near Shedd Aquarium, the lights decorating houses on my trip up, the walk in dark near that unsettling river and holding a girl who meant a great deal to me. I kissed her with all the intensity held within my heart. I remember it sometimes as if it were yesterday. My passions overflowed within me and I could have given anything if the world would just let me be.

I remember sitting in St. Charles, Mo. going through the shops trying to find some gifts for a few special people. I chose to give my hard earned money to someone just for the simple thrill it would give me to see a smile on her face. The white horse with beautiful dark mane pulled a white carriage near the Missouri River. At that time, I sat across from it peering over the horse at all the people on the street and wondering if I could meet someone special enough to take in a carriage ride along the river.

I remember the trip I spent in Colorado. I remember my sister getting me drunk because I was upset at going back to Illinois a couple days early. I was very young then, but I still remember it with clarity.

Days long ago, I'd spend half the night awake hoping I might fall asleep and not wake up at dawn. But somehow I'd always wake up a few hours before my parents and sit impatiently in my room waiting for the sunrise to wake them. How great it was to have something to wait for, to have a new surprise waiting for you. It was always exhilarating for me.

Now, I say I have changed, but I have not. As the the holidays come closer, I have no one close to me. I think if I left it would not be so bad, but I would still walk and hope and wait for someone to come along. I'll take my small amount of money and buy the few people around me something they might like, and while I do I'll wish I was at another stage of my life. Christmas is always the hardest time to be single. I will, however, not rush into anything during the season because it means the most to me. I have been in very few relationships during Christmas (maybe two if not one.) It is the time I am the most optimistic and dream about having someone to just share a great love.

So as the time gets closer, I will get sappier. And then the New Year will come and nothing will have changed. I will be a little bit closer to graduation and real life. I think someday it will happen, but my hope does not rest in the present.

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Ambitiously enduring.