Monday, May 29, 2006

Holding my breath

While tears roll down my cheeks, my mind opens to all it has been ignoring. I have been given time to think, and here, thinking is bad. Here, it tends to make me more depressed as I feel out of place, abandoned and trapped in this town. So I build up a coldness, and I wait to breathe.

Then something happens and all is released.

Unleashed, the coldness gone and now I know how much soul I really do have. I know it burns, and I know any ferocity I have given in the past year hasn't been much.

So like a turtle, I have closed up my shell and kept in so much. And then it hits me, I can't go to Colorado at all this year. I probably cannot go anywhere.

And in the moment, the shell breaks, and I remind myself again and again where I am, and whom I am surrounded by.

The people drink to get drunk, and then stupid. And here stupidity rules. They never study and will know nothing more than when they came in.

I am trapped in this place, a place with two oases ... Friends and Climbing.

It doesn't matter anymore, because I just want to leave. I don't want to be here. And I know how this is a rant, but I really don't want to stay, locked up and confined in one place. I really don't want to see the same cliffs again and again. I don't want to see the stupid excuses for girls. I don't want to see the girls I avoided in high school with no other alternative.

I need a beautiful mind. I need beautiful mountains. I need fresh, clean air with no humidity. I want cool nights and hot days. I just want some more beauty in my life.

And here I am, stuck. So many things bother me about this place. Just one more year for a degree.

It can't come soon enough.

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Ambitiously enduring.