Sunday, November 15, 2009


I really do not want to walk away from this position. It's taken me so long to get to this point.

And now as I pull away, my finances in disarray, I cower in inaction afraid of a pattern developing. On one hand, I fear that this fear will persuade me to become like so many others, only striving to make that next dollar, no matter the destruction or exploitation I may cause. On the other, I fear that I will never make decisions, never make money, never make anything out of myself and will fall into a solid state of failure. I have seen so many people who fit into this category during my travels. I have no desire for this to be my life.

I know I am very, very low on hope right now. I need some encouragement. I need a boost. This is why I've decided to move in with my brother. I have no other place to go, but I need someone who gets me. Someone who understands where this drive comes from. It isn't something that I have manifested. It is something forever constant buried within my soul. It is a driving force that compels me to do more, live life fuller, to learn more, to dive deeper into any and all situations. This force goes wild at the emptiness of boredom or shallow thoughts and feelings. I've had it ever since I can remember.

This is the first time I've ever written such a telling post on here. But these are tough times. I spent a few hours in the office, trying to catch up on work. I organized my desk, sent some files, reviewed the lack of evidence in one of my cases, so frustrating! And yet the guy who came before me is praised, but he really did let a lot go. I guess it's all in show.

I hope everything works out. The future is so bewildering to even ponder now.

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Ambitiously enduring.