Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Ara Batur

Vid spilum endalaust

Before I take a single drink tonight, I must tell myself a few things. One, I need stability. I need people around who won't flake out on me. I need to build faith in people. It is not enough to have faith in myself. I need to gain a sound base of at least $2,000 that I will always keep in savings for any given mishap just for the peace of mind that comes with knowing things could go wrong. I preferably would like to build up more wealth. Everything is driven by wealth.

I have a weakness in that I am sensitive, and I do care a lot about others. I empathize with people and their situations. I have always felt a need to do good in this world. I must understand this is a weakness. I don't feel like it is, but it means I am easily manipulated by others. I have to work for little to nothing when I have no form of a safety net. My knowledge in economics tells me all of the benefits I forgo by thinking in this manner. My mind does not focus as it must. Women are also a problem. Women see me as weak. I am accused of not having a great plan. I stress as my decisions seem so crucial from time to time, and I lose my humor and strong mind. My problems bring others stress.

I know I am strong. But I shouldn't push it so far. I've tried my whole life to push it more and more. Nothing is enough. Yet, now I know that I am alone. I must think of only myself. This is what my life must be. I must think of nothing else. I must change.

The world is a cruel place. It can be beautiful as well. I will not admit I lost. Never! Yet ... everything is changing. I must not think too much, not tonight. Not any night.

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Ambitiously enduring.