Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Damn it! Let's just face it. I was afraid, and I went away from the truth.

I wanted to keep Janel. I wanted a family. I wanted love, the West, the ocean, the support through good and bad, forgiveness, security and acceptance. I was willing to forgive the way she looked down at me because of my dependence. I came into it so independent and left like a crying child. Subservient, subdued, spanked and whipped was I. This just wasn't with her. It was with everyone. I hate how I've allowed so many people to walk all over me.

The move has definitely helped my senses. I am away from everyone. No one can drag me into her paradigm. This existence is mine. I shall make the paradigm.  I've been running 4 or 5 miles a day along with an hour of cardio. I am working on my graduate studies. I am reading texts, articles and writing a lit review in my free time. I have been actively trying to get a better job, but I get along with the one I have. Sleep is few and far but sometimes I do manage an 8-hour night.

I'm not going to push my senses to fully return. I feel if I push it too much, I will lend my soul to a similar schism. With good friends, a challenging job, a beautiful soul holding my hand and a scary adventure from time to time, I know all will be right. My heart will love with that fiery intensity. My words will flock to the page in a kaleidoscope of metaphors and symbolism. My words will ring of truth and stoke the soul's furnace.

For now, deep breaths.

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Ambitiously enduring.