I sit here staring at a blank screen. I keep asking myself to just write the truth ...
... just write the truth.
... but what is that?
I know I must go to graduate school. Yet I am afraid I don't have the resources to take the steps. It frustrates me so much. I know I have the abilities! And I don't want to be pushed down the wrong road. Part of me still misses the heightened emotional state of being in love. But part of me fears I will fear ever letting go again. I have let myself fall into this stage in my life. So much squandered!
Everything is easy again. Easy is pure agony. It tells me that I am not where I should be. It tells of the missed opportunities and what lengths I will go to hide in the foggy imperfections of that heightened emotional state. (Oh, but wasn't it thrilling though?!) - I think to myself -
The truth is ... I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to fall in love with someone who will not hinder me, who I will not hinder - but who will stay beside me, who will love me ... for all the complexities and imperfections. I would forgive any mishap. I would love any imperfection for her. God! I just feel so alone sometimes, and it drives me crazy. I fear a future without love even with the greatest accomplishments. I also fear a wasted life. Utah is a great place, but I fear it is not what I need ...
I need more education. I desire truth. I plead for a life well maintained and well focused. I yearn for passion. J'ai voudrais un amour ici.