Sunday, May 02, 2010

Hope for the best; prepare for the worst

"Don't let them see you cry."  Help I'm Alive - Manchester Orchestra.

I'm going for a late night walk tonight. My roommate lost her ferret tonight. And now her anger bubbles over to me. I am being kicked out of my apartment. I find it frustrating how someone who so blatantly cheats on her boyfriend can come down on me just because I am waiting for the government to clear my background check before I can start as ranger. Craziness persists as I had agreed to pay for the whole summer no matter where I ended up living as a "thank you." Fiscally, getting kicked out makes more sense to me, but I know it is also the end of a friendship and a way of thinking about most people.

I am no longer the Brian of old who willingly tries to see the best in people. I understand everyone has their own demons. Usually, the way they face those demons works its way into their social existence. I also understand that many people can think themselves higher than others, or that some must do this to keep a steady current of self appreciation in their lives. This is a classic argument I first read by Virginia Woolf. One uplifting piece is that I have a place to stay for roughly a week. I am praying that since I am already a week behind on my background check that this will be enough.

So many thoughts scurry through my head on this night. How close I am to homelessness! Yet I am college educated. I have excellent work experience, excellent references, excellent attitude to work and an overall good attitude given all that has happened to me thus far. Yet here I am. It makes me think that this could happen to anyone. And I wonder how I will do if it all falls apart.

 Will I react by losing my psychological composure? Will it make me weaker in the areas of social interactions? Can I face people as a homeless figure? Or will it be yet another experience that makes me stronger?

I have broken once and swore I would never again. People say I need to depend on people when I am down. Nevertheless if history is any indicator on how the future will go, I need to be self reliant and not depend on anyone.

I am a strong leader. I am weak at the hands of others.

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Ambitiously enduring.