Wednesday, July 07, 2010

"And I've felt so alive."

"And I've never felt so alive," she wrote, little square lines drawn out on a simple piece of cardboard.

The lyrics from a Third Eye Blind song trace around the corners of my mind and paint themselves against my soul. How many times have I felt these lyrics! Or recited them to myself! She seems to do little things like this ... simple in their own rite; amazing in their effect on me. I catch myself so often awash in feelings that I feel I have recaptured a great part of my soul. 

First came Utah, I broke free from my fears to face them head-on, reeling from poverty and personal disaster where it seemed everyone had lost faith in my abilities. So long was I scared that I failed to do those things that needed to be done. I escaped to the West and slowly found my will again.  Second came the ranger position, to touch out and feel the impossible, to grasp a childhood dream, I suddenly felt as if the world was coming alive again with possibility. I knew all the naysayers were wrong, all the pessimists just caught up in the same soul-destroying, fearful path that I stood in for a couple years.

And as if the heaven's opened up and said, "You, sir, have found the path of optimism again, and we shall reward you!" I have stumbled upon a woman of extreme beauty, an exterior charm only outshone by her inner light. She holds my heart in her hands as she laughs at my quirky nature. She plays jokes on me, does not hold back and shares herself. Her optimism carries over to my optimism. When I hold her, I am content. I am alive. Even now I struggle for the words to capture the spirit of the moment.

Even if all should crumble tomorrow. This is the man I am. I am a man with a relentless nature. I yearn for the challenge, for the best part of life, for the best possible solution and the true nature of who we are. I will not settle for things as they are. If  you told me tomorrow, the world is messed up and we should just accept it, I'd call you a coward. For there is a light in us all. And I fear the people who don't let that light shine.

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Ambitiously enduring.