"You may not trust the promises in the change I show, but I will be yours if you'll be mine," Mumford & Sons sang last summer at Bonnaroo. I was just listening to it, and it forced my hand to write these words. I just needed to get them out.
I sometimes can't get over the fact we shared so much. We shared a love for reading great literature, the same literature, and the lyrics of great music carried our hearts together as we walked. So deep was our connection, that when she tempted to go out onto that vertical ledge of the climbing world, she sounded as if she knew the rhythm of my heart, and it carried back into me, and I felt excited again about the prospects of climbing in a new place. I can understand more knowing now that I cannot have her ... and knowing how great and how painful it is to share this with her. It is an empathy that stings with pain, that creases my heart to be gentler and yet braver knowing that it can endure much more than what I once thought.
I have thought a lot of where I will go this summer once the UCOWR conference and LSAT is done. I have thought maybe I will take a friend with me. I have also thought that maybe I will see my brother. I have also more recently thought that I will go off on my own for a while. I may stay in the U.S., and yet I may leave. There are benefits to both. I wonder where this world will take me?
The rain falls tonight in little drops. I will soon finish the last question in stats and then pick up a friend at the train station in the wee morning hours. I feel calm and well. Writing always seems to soothe my heart.