Wednesday, February 01, 2012

So long midwest

Deep breath

Eyes close and the intensity of each stroke of the cello flows over me. They come in violent, quick pulses - building, rolling and cascading forward.

I felt so lost ... so lost for so long. An intensity once secured deep within started to ebb and flow. The intensity came over in just moments, just enough to push me forward. Just enough to keep me on track.

So ... Here I am writing for catharsis again.  I am thinking of when I first came here:

I was refreshed and reinvigorated. I carried with me the fire from Zion. I wanted that fire to carry me forward. Yet, right away I felt it gradually weaken each day as that lonely feeling crept in.  I again felt trapped and homesick. I again pushed everyone away. Many days, I awoke not feeling anything like myself. Many days, I felt myself slipping into a self-destructive flow. Feeling the fear, I flew back to the West, to the place I call home - Colorado. I came back here with an overflowing power. I pushed again to be closer.

Five days ago, I secured my place in the mountains. I have wanted it for so long.   I set out at twelve to never come back. Yet, I have. I have time and time again, learning so much each time. This time the most. It is the truth in my perseverance.

Yet, now all has changed. I will be leaving this place for a long time. I may never come back for more than a few weeks.

Even after I leave, part of me will still be here. It will always feel the rustling of the leaves in the spring, the crackle in the fall, the stillness and silence of the winter at night.

Also, I run these days with a woman of extreme beauty. I can see her sapphire eyes as I close mine. I feel her even now coursing through my mind. We are friends. We are the best of friends. I feel at ease when we are together. 

I am filled with an intensity to live.


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Ambitiously enduring.