I hate to whine. I don't like to complain, and I hate to wake up in the morning without being excited to be alive.
I think not wanting to be here, not wanting to feel so alone takes my mind so far away from my studies. It is my reason to fail. I feel as if I am falling, as if my darkest fears are materializing, that I will become like my parents. In the Cider House Rules, it is often said that an orphan sometimes knows the value of not hearing the truth. I can relate to this. I don't want to fail my kids by becoming a sort of uninspiring man.
Another phrase from the Cider House Rules is "to be of use." Even though I am not an orphan, I still feel so far away from family, always have, to know the value of being "of use to somebody." I often search for a career where I can give back, help people, play a dynamic role, or really dig into the issues. I thought that was going to be law. Yet it just feels like another hoop to nowhere, and I can't get rid of the sinking feeling that I'm investing in something (this law school) that will really get me nowhere.
I just want to work a good, hard day's work, feel accomplished and as if I am actually working on something. I hate toiling away in academia.
And all this really does is make it so everyone is so much further away. I feel more alone than ever.