For all the whining I do, the days are not so bad. Woke up today to the sun and another onslaught of snow. However, for the past five days, the weather was moist and warm. The clouds did not part as they do today, but it felt a little like Spring.
I cannot fathom what is at the heart of so much disinterest in something I care so much about. I feel as if it is more of a feeling that I will try hard and nothing may come of it. I hate to see a well-educated barista who for all his/her education does nothing more than serve drinks. What a selfish use of an education. However, how is this different from the professor whose research is esoteric and metaphysical? He gets grants to expand our educated minds ... but does this really have a real impact on the world. Does he use his talents in any other way?
So I sit here sometimes, disinterested for only the fact that I am so lonely, that I may not be of use. It kills me because I feel so close to my goals.
Tonight starts the toiling away into the morning hours with work. I feel that if I focus only on this, this school and Moscow ... that I will be able to finish in good fashion. Then with a clear head, I may start to see this school and town more clearly. I may then decide to stay or go from this course.