Wednesday, November 06, 2013

I fear death when I no longer feel alive.

As of recent, my body has returned to mostly normal. My limbs are limber again. The pain that has set so consistently in my abdomen and sometimes chest fades. I swim a little over a mile every other day. I run miles on the other. I have lost a little over 10 lbs, and I am a step away from climbing again.

I am thankful for all these changes. Yet, a tiny notion sits in my head. Must I keep this diet forever? Do I have food allergies or is something malfunctioning? Two nights ago, I had a protein shake and then a grilled cheese and everything happened again. My doctor doesn't seem to think it is my gallbladder. My family heartily disagrees.

It baffles me that the body can control our temperament, our ability to focus, our ability to love fully, and our ability to live in the present. I am so thankful for these days when things begin to return to normal. I have all but said good bye to law school. If it was the stress that did all this to me, I want no part in it. I want to feel as I do now. I want to feel my feet, light and quick, rising from the ground and pushing my body forward. I want the flexibility and lightness to climb trees, to hike big mountains and scale giant cliffs. I want to sense the world and not live in fear.

I fear death when I no longer feel alive. 

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Ambitiously enduring.