Friday, November 15, 2013

To reminisce of a time once passed, and relived again.

"You always want to see as much of the sky as possible." - Flatliners

I have only been as lonely as I am now one time in my life, and that moment was a short-lived, 9-month stint in Jacksonville, IL. I was miserable, and my body went through much of the same thing. I felt out of place, ostracized, and defunct. I worked hard, and I felt nothing for my endeavors. I felt lost.

When I got to Northwestern University, I doubted everything about myself. I felt defeated. If I couldn't make things work at a lower-level school, how was I supposed to make it work at a prestigious university like Northwestern?

Yet I thrived! I remember biking around Chicago after work. I did not know anyone, but soon found myself awash with friends. After watching my relationship disintegrate during my last few weeks, I soon found another woman, an inner city school teacher, who had a heart of gold. I danced around the city, attending a free event here and there. I felt the thrill of walking past Cabrini Green, a once-infamous housing project. I walked on the edge as I rode my road bike down into the south side during a 60-mile bike ride! And soon, my body returned to normal, my rhythm at work progressed quickly. I was doing more and more, and soon I was part of a team at a prestigious school. Suddently, I was getting good reviews. My confidence steadied.

I do not mean to run away, but something is not right here. I hate whining, but it feels like my body knows me better than my own mind. Silly as it seems. I thrive for adventure, for a challenge, for big mountains, or new experiences. I thrive for working and being around people. I thrive for being productive.

I thrive to build. 

Law school seems to fuel none of this. It has turned into yet another academic endeavor. It feels like another hoop to climb through before I can move onto the next stage of my life.

It feels pointless.

The worst part is that I feel utterly alone as I go through it. 

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Ambitiously enduring.