Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Everything is spinning.

I feel best when I am part of something, when I feel as if people need me. I sit here tonight. Someone said it would be about the same if I left. It was, I feel, the last person that I may have felt needed me.

And as I sit, I feel more alone than ever. To another, I say, "Even if it was a 'no,' a simple response would have been nice.

I feel as if I have made friends in each place I have been, but stupidly I have clung to this idea of Colorado being home. Now, here I am. I feel more unwelcome than ever. I cling to the hopes of a job, of some stability. I have no other place to go, and the one I love, I fear, does not care if I stay or go.

Dark days, some say, test the mettle of a man. I say that these dark days can be done and over with. I yearn to laugh once again, to see the rhythm among the chaos and the opportunity to choose levity.

For tonight though, I sit alone, suited up to go outside and walk the city streets, my uncle's condescending words ringing in my ears that I am just like my deadbeat father. Those words cutting so deep inside. Right now, I am Depressed and longing for something that I do not feel I deserve.

Dear Brian, I say to myself, hold on. For someone may need you still or be wrong in the present assessment.

I cling to the thought of a warm breeze sifting against the leaves, fresh mountain air, a heartfelt hug, a smile of someone I love, the heavy rain during a summer storm, the feeling of something accomplished, the feeling of challenge, the daring adventure and the thought of someday feeling part of a family. I cling to it as I cling to life even when I descend deeper into this torrent, no clue where I will end or where I may begin again.

Everything is spinning.

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Ambitiously enduring.