Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Rant on.

My body can be a ferocious beast. It can travel hours over mixed terrain and ascend up a vertical face. Honed, it can do hours of cardio. Honed, it feels refreshed after laying in a bed after a full day of outdoor activity.

Yet, my body is a vessel. It carries a mind that taxes it with stress and uncertainty. It pulls it through low nutrients and inactivity. I stare at computer screens for hours and only my fingers twitch. Lately, I have been lazy. I try to keep working out and fail. Slowly, I can feel my body fall into disrepair. Two days ago, my leg went numb while laying in bed. As I tried to move it, nothing happened. I flopped over in bed, awaiting the numb, tingly feeling to come but nothing happened. I panicked. I flopped my body to the side, hoping that my leg was just numb but working. When I got to edge of my bed, my body collapsed onto my leg. I sat there for a moment and wondered what to do. Immediately, my overactive imagination jumped to stroke. Given the stress, poor nutrition and inactivity, I felt it wasn't too much of a long shot. Given in to despair, I called my roommate into my room. As he came in, maybe the way I shifted my body made a difference and my leg was working. I told him sorry for wasting his time and made an appointment with the doc. A nurse checked me out for stroke and said I did quite well (in other words, nothing indicated a stroke). The doc wanted me to see a neurologist. However, I've been down this road before with my insurance. It is stressful going to the doctor. It is even more stressful trying to cope with the medical bills. So I will wait to see if it happens again.

I went running afterward and felt weak. My body is in no shape to run, and it makes feel slothful. I want to run and feel free like old times. I want to be able to run three miles and not feel like I'm going to die. Lately, I can barely run one mile. BLAST IT!

The semester is wrapping up and I feel obligated to finish a paper at the last minute. I had to pick the topic while I was worried about finances and not thinking about school. So, needless to say, I got the topic wrong. Being that it was too late to switch the topic, I find my theme and all my conclusions to be contrived.

I hope to escape this summer and get my thesis done. I only want to connect to people on a deeper level. I want to make some new friends and have some new adventures. I want to press my body to be active again and away from this depressing environment. It still doesn't feel like I'm leaving Moscow. I guess I am just as worried that Boise will be much of the same. I learned last weekend that even though everyone has been nice upon my return, some talk constantly saying things they wouldn't dare say to my face. I say these people are cowards. Yet, uncertain of who they are, I am pushing everyone back.

It is unsettling to be in this atmosphere. I value genuineness and sincerity. I believe this fakeness is the failing of leadership in this country.

Rant over. 

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Ambitiously enduring.