Thursday, December 24, 2015

In Boise, I am far from the things I need.

"Golden light flickers at the edge of the room. It gathers a warm glow against her red hoodie as her hazel eyes glimmer, set deep against the pages of an old book. She smirks, lifts her eyes to mine. We find each other. We dance with a shared smile."

I wrote these words in the absence of anyone. I am constantly in these long distance relationships. My friendships are far from me. My family is mostly fairweather.

I sit here on Christmas Eve. I was told my funding for my job will mostly dry up starting next year. I was also told by an environmental organization that I was overqualified for a job I applied for.

I am an outsider in everything right now. I am no climber. I am no close friend. I am no family member. I am no lover.

I am a law student. I am an advocate. I work on research. I share shallow jokes. I make people smile from time to time. I enjoy short dates where shallow kisses fall on the deaf ears of my heart. I run now and move my legs to go through the motions. I am not inspired. My heart's passion sits in a lull.

Am I hated now? Am I so alone because I deserve this? Do I sit on the precipice of homelessness? I am told by law professors that I am smart. I have rave references. I make people laugh. I strive to do something with my life. Yet, I am alone.

My mind never shuts off. All I want is a family, some connection, some purpose in this life. I never thought it would be like this. I never thought I would be so far from the most important things. How do I stay somewhere if I am always told how much I don't belong?

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Ambitiously enduring.