Sleep is a puzzle.

My body smells of suntan lotion and sweat - a sweet and salty coconut blend. It stirs memories of beaches, deep water soloing and sweet chills of cool water on hot days.

Today, I walked in the desert alone and barefoot. I walked tracing misshapen footsteps all the while. The sand rose between my toes with every footstep. I walked tracing thoughts. I traced thoughts of grandeur, thoughts of my ruin, thoughts of laughter and the ill-fated thoughts of where I might be come tomorrow. For this morning, I awoke to ill tidings.

It's hard to be my carefree, funny self of the past when my survival seems to hang in the balance. I want this time in of my life to be over. I want to be able to take a breath and know I will be somewhere for a while. I feel as if I really have nothing in which to take pride. I have left it all by the wayside to pursue this grand scheme. A scheme that may result in my undoing.

-I wish you were braver. I wouldn't have let you down. I hope you're happy.

last thoughts before sleep

"Scotch, Scotch, Scotch ... I love Scotch."

As I listen to the tunes that connect directly to my heart on this dark night, I think about Travis and how I judged the situation from the beginning. In truth, I wish I was wrong, but I did know the heart of the situation. In truth, I knew it about Janel as well. But listening to one's own heart about one's self and a friend's path is all together quite different.

It seems I have met a very interesting soul as of late. I don't know if I will be granted the grace to stay in such a beautiful place, but if I will ... let me know this beautiful soul, so educated, so bright and so talented. For hope is the single greatest commodity to humankind - with it - may I go on against any uncertainty.