why I am alone

In the rain, I notice no one beside me. When I go home, no one waits. When I call, no one expects my call.

It does not bother me, then it does. I am independent, but I am not. I immerse myself in economics, philosophy, literature, physics and climbing. I think of nothing else.

And then it rains ...

And the warm rain reminds me of a kiss so deeply felt, so deeply given that I wish to give it again. It reminds me of my heart and soul, my muse - love. How much deeper I think when it is all true.

Yet love cannot be for sometime. In the absence of truth, I am destroyed. My schoolwork fails. I am left with nothing. Then I only have doubt. Without faith, I'm nothing.

So for the sake of all, I am alone, searching out for a little bit of truth.

No lies.

Connect. Let go of the world.
All is well.
Night est noir. N'echappez pas.

Deliverance comes at one's own hands.
One's soul is one. L'esprit respire desdans la coeur.

Dream in the grass

I ran outside, turned the corner and fell. My legs acquiesced in the numb ruling to fall.

And I fell, the warm air reaching, breathing over me. The tall dark grass blew. The silhouette of branches clung to the dark shafts that were trees. No moon so the stars burned bright. I just lay there. Not thinking, hesitating one bit. At peace. If it were my last moment, good.

-And after I awoke, I went outside to the cold wet breeze. I sat down on a cold, wet rock. I gazed at the people around me all scurrying around, walking without a look from the ground. My mind wondered. I think maybe there is a place where people do not follow so compliantly, are not so absent to the outside world, are not so intrigued by the mundane on television, but are intrigued by the breathing, calculating perplexities of life.

And all I want is to find those people. I want to explore. I want to visit new places.

I want to exceed this school.

TOUGH it out!

I'm reclaiming myself.

No more of this. No more being afraid of anything. It's mine.

I am happy if you aren't. I am grateful for everything. I will do what I need to do in this life, idealist or not. Later tonight, I meet the rep from the Peace Corps. I will ask him all of my questions, and we'll see how soon I can sign up. I'm dropping a class and will be studying again for the LSAT.

May 25 I'll be in Denver for Millencolin. Hahahahah. :-)

Maybe going to SIU was detrimental at first, but I kept myself in the face of adversity. I stayed true to myself, and even in doubt, found myself at a better place.

I don't think my trial by fire is yet over, but I am stronger every single day.

Concentration

In a computer room ...

A little hiss of air escapes from the ceiling. The continous roar from the vent tries to overshadow it.

I feel calm. My life seems smooth. My senses are heightened.

When a see an Oreo, I nearly crumble. When I think of food, I salivate. More than not, this is psychological.

My body feels colder than normal. I dream of tomorrow and the next phase: brown rice and kale. I remind myself this is for self discipline, for health, for cleansing. I had moments yesterday which were unbearable. Other times, I didn't even notice.

I hope today is not so bad. I want to focus on myself and not food at this time.

It is about strength, determination and self control. It seems as if when I can focus, everything is sharper, every smell a little more real.

- My life is becoming more real, more how I want it to be. If we have one life on Earth, we should make it the best we can, the most beautiful, the most extreme, extravagant and bewildering. I have focused on passion, laughter and enlightenment.

All I can do is smile and know my life is mine.

-Millencolin (Battery Check)

Hitting P.B. drivin E20 north
Future plans being made
Going back and forth
Remain passive
I do got dreams on my mind
And I really should be taking a chance
Risk my safety just for once advance
The one who is trying
Is the one who succeeds
I should be following
My heart and my needs
But I know it's a problem for me
To translate words into deeds

Please say you feel the same way
Just say you know exactly how I feel
So say you feel the same way
And I will do it for real

When will I live my live for me?
When will I do what I want to?
When will I let myself be free
And take care of things that I value?
It's true. I need to forgive myself and see
It's not too late for something new

Satisfaction

Outside, dreariness creeps among the warmth as rain falls from the sky.

Inside, I breathe deeply and think of an old saying, "Work smart, not hard." And now I totally disagree. Why? It is simple.

Hard work is so rewarding. I just Aced a test that I could have done haphazard on. Haha. It just feels so great to know how well I was prepared for it, how well I understood every concept. I stayed up the entire night mastering the subject.

I say work hard and smart. The rewards will be that much greater. Some say we never use our full potential, but what if we simply started trying? That is what I'm up to. Simply trying.

A warmer day

Valentine's Day, a highly commercial holiday started for the exact purpose of increasing profit.

That said ... Motive does not always reflect outcome.

Sunshine and 50, the climbing scene gleams as rock sits dry. Routes beg to be climbed.

And being Valentine's Day, maybe I should go out in search of love. Or maybe the beginnings have already found me. And maybe a prospect, so recently, has blazed into my life. And has been so much excitement that sometimes it could almost be the rock.

And so the adventure of today begins, better or worse, 'tis a very beautiful day.

too busy

Valentine's Day sits around the corner.

As it is now, it's just another day. And I don't think I would want it to be anything else.


I'm just too busy.

Random thoughts of snow.

A white world, untouched and bright paints itself with little snow flakes.

It feels warmer on these days.

New days are about once again. And I am reminded of the mountains.

Bright white lines form on tops of dark branches.

So subtle but not, as the sky now matches with both the ground and the trees.

I'd rather be in two places at a time like this ... 1. Walking through the streets in some big city full of art museums, universities, cathedrals, science exhibits, aquariums and the like. or 2. Tramping through the mountains doing anything at all.

Truth

Truth.

Some people believe no such thing exists. It is all just a representation of what people think they know. I don't believe it.

Truth is real.

I heard Earl Caldwell tonight talk about the Martin Luther King, Jr. assassination. He was a respected journalist from the New York Times, and also an eye witness. But it seems his testimony was discredited. They told him that he was just seeing things. Even after having people corroborate his story. The goverment at the time did nothing to seek the truth. He even said parts of the crime scene were totally destroyed.

And there it is... The truth we hear, and the truth. They are so often two different things. Congress tells us it wants to pass a clean energy bill, but at the end of the resolution places a tax break for oil companies onto the bill.

As he was talking, I felt so alive.

I want to go out and fight the good fight. I want to fight for what people really want, or what I really feel deep down they all want, a righteous world. I want to be someone who sacrifices all the big things so maybe we can have a better world.

Call me an idealist. I'm just young. If I have it my way, I'll have this courage for a very long time.

New friends are golden, old friends are platinum

Hope is a powerful and dangerous thing. It creates our worlds and destroys them just as fast.

Lastnight I cheered to good friends. I made Bryant laugh so hard he threw up, and I lost touch with those things bothering me.

Somehow right now I think I just lost a new friend. I feel hurt but I know it is not worth the pain. I have lost so many friends.

I am glad to have the great ones here.

A smooth sunday afternoon

Even in bitter winter, I still sometimes lose myself in warmth.

Today is a beautiful day. The teal sky and white puffy clouds illuminate the barren trees swinging in the soft wind. The warming sun contrasts the cold, radiating my heart, strengthening the very rhythm of the day.

I woke up today reading of Ireland, of an immigrant's life and his return to the place of his ancestors. His father, a drunkard, has left his family in such a mess. I only wonder what will happen in the future. Even though I never grew up in the household, it reminds me of the ways my biological mom and my brother and sister had to endure at the hands of my irresponsible father who only made life worse. The book hits me hard, but does not dampen my spirit. It only reminds me of all the ways I have been made better.

Yesterday, I climbed. I really wish I was climbing right now, but too much has to be done. I need straight A's. Everything rides on it.

The ice-cold rock made my hands numb while I climbed, but my feet were very sticky and secure. My heart stayed steady as I moved up the rock. Everything felt secure. I lost touch with the world and only knew the rock. I didn't fear anything. I didn't look for the fall nor did I think I would.

It has been a long time since I haven't feared the fall. It felt great, and I know it comes as my life is finding more and more stability. I have begun to see my path and succeed in my studies. I have seen professors impressed in my abilities. It gives me confidence in myself.

Yet all is not great and could be better. So I will strive forward while remembering I am only one man. A man who can only go as far as his feet will carry him. Then I will flip over on my stomach and crawl using my arms. Haha.

With achievement comes perseverance

I tend to concentrate on one thing and lose sight of everything else.

I wish there were more hours in a day. I wish I wasn't so tired come 9 p.m.

But with so few hours in a day, I have to choose constantly what is important and what is not. I almost always choose school over everything else. But at what cost? Am I gradually losing my sense of humor? Am I becoming a stickler?

I can't stay up until 12 a.m. every night. It is hurting everything, but I constantly want to stay up so I can maybe talk with someone. Yet, it never works.

Loading up on caffeine this morning, I remember the words of Emerson, "College is not an education, but a means to an education." or something like that. So what am I learning? How to make busy every waking moment of my life?

If you read this and think I'm confused and I'm figuring anything out - I'm too busy to figure anything out, what are you? Crazy or something?

First French lesson tonight, WoooHOOO!!!!





Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks.

I'm super hyper.

Ambition

Imagine the possibilties if our dreams were left to soar, if our hopes were not smashed. We were given the chances we needed to succeed and the hope to carry our ambitions.

Just imagine . . .

No teachers making anyone feel unspecial. Parents telling their children how anything is possible.

A man in his late 40s once told me that he had not used his full potential. He went on to say no one really uses his or her full potential. But what would have to happen to use this full potential? A person's ambition would have to be high. Doors would have to open. And something would have to be there to inspire and give hope in times of doubt.

Where is this blog coming from?

I may have been given a chance to start out in life. It is a better start than I had hoped for and is a new an interesting path. It might also give me some foundation. I still can have everything else with this path, but it might just be a better place to start.

I hope one day I can fuel this burning, driving ambition.

Interesting week

Lastnight, I received a call from a professor I know. I was selected from a few choice students to meet with Earl Caldwell, a journalist whom I had only read about. He fought for his sources when a grand jury asked him to give names of his Black Panther contacts. It led to an unfavorable Supreme Court verdict, but the dissent is apparently being used today in many lower courts to justify source protection.

I've also been invited tomorrow to meet with a panelist from Washington, D.C. His name is Mathew Gardner, state tax policy directory for the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy.

It isn't so much that I'm spellbound as I'm just intrigued. I love to meet interesting people, and getting a chance to meet people who have such an effect on society . . . Well I'm impressed.

First climbing meeting tonight. I'm kind of nervous. I just need to focus and let it go in the right direction.

Concentration

Drown out the pain, the worry and the failures before. Survival is a neccessary condition. Smile, be happy and remember every day is just a blessing.

I've been thinking lately. I've been focusing, meditating and climbing. I've been supplementing this with the writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson. I feel a deep connection with his writing.

"Why has my motley diary no jokes? Because it is a soliloquy & every man is grave alone . . ." -Emerson

"There is a huge & disproportionate abundance of evil on earth. Indeed the good that is here, is but a little island of light, amidst the unbouned ocean . . ." - Emerson

The climbing has been good for me. It makes me feel as if I'm working hard. It makes my studying seem worth it. I am driven right now to seek my full potential in both mind and body. I must discipline myself.

I am focusing on the good in life amid this "unbounding ocean." I want to see whether or not I can rise above the attitude of the "norm" and breathe a little lighter.

I want to climb like key lime pie

Such a great party! I love being active.

The other night a friend of mine had a party. We were campusing on wooden blocks nearly the entire night. One arms and double campus. There were some girls ... nothing special. It was just great to be climbing.

I took a couple people out to the rock this weekend and worked on belay and setting top ropes. It was a fun time, and it was chill to sit outside.

The unseasonable warmth nearly lets me forget how homesick I am sometimes. In reality, it is pretty nice down here. There are some beautiful areas. I just feel I should always be somewhere else. Maybe I have no idea where that is.

I also decided to take some time and think. This week, I will work hard without distraction. Next week, I will fast. I need to focus on some stuff in my life, as in my unused potential. I told someone this lastnight, and she made reference to her leading me on. It took me offgaurd. But maybe she was right, and she had become that important to me. I guess I just thought it was good to hope and maybe start to build a good friendship.

I hate playing the role of the fool. I never take it too well.

Life is intense? say what??!!!

Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math
When you were alive
No one's gonna play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind? ...

And it's our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time
It's hard to remember ...
to live before you die ...
that are lives are such a short time ...
When it takes such a long time - Modest Mouse (Lives)

So why am I so intense to live life?

Because it is such a short time, because this is my first time and for all I know my last time. I've watched as people around me die. I've had to look into my father's face as he lay on a hospital bed, tubes bending from his arms and a oxygen mask over his face. And when I forget, someone else dies and I'm reminded.

So, it is not the fear of death. It is the fear I have that I will not LIVE before I have to go. I want to climb the tallest mountains. I want to visit distant lands. I want to help anyone and everyone I can. I want a family, and I want to make one woman the happiest she has ever been. I want to fall madly in love and build something beautiful.

Someone suggested in an e-mail I shouldn't be so intense about life. But I am young, and I say that is what life is all about. Let me cringe when I am bored. Let me sit mournfully when I have no prospects of a great adventure. Life to me is a vast and amazing journey.

I will be intense. I will not give up a single second of it.

Sobering mornings ...

What a long night! Red wine ... Not during a week night. Not anymore.

I dreamt lastnight of the mountains. People kept offering me plane tickets. I kept on refusing them. I just kept saying that if I went now it wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be as good as if I went later.

It was so frustrating. I awoke to the sound of construction and a fear to face all the things I probably said lastnight.

I hate how emotional I am sometimes. I hate the way I look for the past to keep reoccuring as if I could actually have such horrible luck. And I really hate hating something, especially something I am doing.

The Pope released his encyclical on modern love and charity. I was reading a little bit of it and began to understand what Father Joseph Brown was speaking about the other night. If we always focus on the negative, we lose sight of all the good.

I constantly allow myself to fall into these patterns.

My misgivings.

No post tonight could make up for how I treated a friend. I don't want to ruin my future with my past, but at times I think it is almost inescapable.



Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…
Ralph Waldo Emerson

first week

First week of school is done. Classes don't seem too difficult, but they will take work. I still need a few textbooks, and it seems my budget is in a bit of a crisis. I have a plan though and feel reassured everything will be fine.

In St. Charles I had time to think. I consistently believe things are different with some situations in my life, but they never are. It makes me want to be out of school and on with my life. I want to get around a set of people who know why they believe in things. I don't want to be around the confusion and just want to know someone who actually understands what they want out of this life. Maybe I am just talking about myself. Maybe I just want to understand what it is I expect from this life.

I know I am confused. I don't think the confusion will stop after school. Maybe I can have a little false hope that it might though. haha.

All in all though, things couldn't really be any better. I love my new place. I have noticed I have some great friends. And, I think keeping good grades this semester will be somewhat easier than ever before. I have a lot to be happy about.

Adventure of faith and doubt.

Doubt - It clouds our faith. It pulls a mist in front of our eyes. It keeps us on edge.


Faith - It brings realization. It breaks fear. It fuels a fire to live.



Lastnight, a constant inner struggle between doubt and faith raged inside of my soul.

After climbing, Eric and I went out to a natural area near Jackson Falls. We had never been there before and wanted to see what it was all about. I have interviewed quite a few people who would always speak about how great it was, but I had never actually been there.

It is a place filled with a crystal clear stream, plenty of rocks and 60 to 80-foot clifflines. A pretty beautiful area.

It started out ordinary enough. We crossed the shallow part of this stream to get to an area where two rocks fell into a little pool. It was a pretty good place to chill. While sitting there a guy told us of another area on that side of the stream with a big pool and a rope to swing into it. So we checked it out.

After we left the big pool, we kept heading down the path until it ended hoping to find a place to cross the now deep, ice-cold stream without taking off our shoes and wading through the water. But the path ended, and we made the conscious choice to keep moving. We decided to be "adventurous" and cross later on.

But by the time we crossed the stream and started to head back, it seemed we were walking much further to get back to the path. But it was warm, and we thought we had a lot daylight and kept walking. Soon we saw what appeared to be a walkup near a cliffline. So we walked up, thinking we were right near the car and could just find and follow a path back to the car. If we were oriented right, we might have known we were not walking back to the car, but in a viscious circle that lead us back down the cliffline and back to the bottoms.

After reaching the bottoms again. We started to deliberate.

"Maybe when we crossed the stream the first time, we didn't cross the stream at all, but just thought we did," I said.

This idea kind of shocked us. It meant we had become very disoriented and could have been walking in the wrong direction the entire time, further and further away from where we were headed.

The idea hit Eric that maybe the stream we were heading down was a tributary, and we need to find a fork in the stream. We headed back. It started to get dark. The clouds in the sky assured us that it would be a dark night. We could not stay out here.

Then we caught a break, a yellow trail marker. Phew. It was a definite good sign. We started to joke about how we thought we were lost and how it looked a little bleak there for a moment. We laughed to think about this old iron ladder we had found going up the rock face and natural beautiful arch we had walked across when we got to the top.

It was getting even darker now, but we had found the yellow path. We were going to be just fine. We walked for a good while, following the markers. Following the path, coming around the corner, I said to Eric, "You're not going to believe this. Come here and look at this."

It was the steel ladder up the side of the rock. We had been walking in circles. The path did not lead to the trail head. But there was still hope. The night was getting darker, but using the light from my cell phone we were able to find a blue trail marker. We started to follow that path. I had remembered from the trailhead board that the blue path ran in a loop. So again, we said it might look bad, but we're still good. We had some sort of light (the dim blue light from a cell phone) and we had our composure. Composure was helped by the tranquility of the place. The wind blew through the trees with a reassuring hum that nothing could happen to us. We said only encouraging words in dialogue.

Sometimes losing the trail, we went trail marker to trail marker. The path was sometimes slippery rock. At one point we had to cross a part very close to the cliffline with only the light of a cell phone. The darkness had not totally set in yet, so we could still make out the shadow of the cliffline. It would not be the scariest point.

Suddenly the arrows started pointing down. We had lost the trail, but followed the trail markers. We both slipped multiple times going down the rock. But eventually got down. It had now started to rain. It was a light rain, but it grew steadily stronger. Both somewhat dry though, we still had some time before we worried about getting too cold. Worst case scenario, we still planned to sleep outside and hike out in the morning if we had to.

When we reached the bottom of the cliff, the trail markers were suddenly on the other side of the stream. The streams depth was unkown. But we were hell bent on getting back to the car. We were not going to spend the night out there. We rolled up our pant legs and started to wade across what happened to be water higher than our knees with slippery rock at the bottom.

Halfway across Eric Fell. He was soaked in ice cold water. It was my worst fear that one of us would get wet. Also, it was starting to get cooler out and the rain was slowly getting harder.

Then the unimaginable, I slipped. My cellphone fell into the water. It was our only source of light. I hurried to quickly dry it off. Eric asked if I was OK. All I could think was 'no, no, no' so I said "NO, NO, NO."

It started to vibrate uncontrollably and the light soon dimmed and went out. I thought the battery was gone at that point. We were out there with no light and on a part where we had no idea where the path was. My cell phone on the fritz, we start to deliberate spending the night. But the rain kept coming, and the temperature kept dropping. I knew in my mind we couldn't stay out there. I thought Eric did too. But what choices did we have?

Tinkering around with the cell phone, suddenly the screen lights up again. I have to hold certain buttons down, but the screen soon illuminates for brief periods of time before the vibrating starts again, and we have to resort to taking out the battery and hoping we find the next trail marker. The trail leads up the cliffline.

While on the cliffline, it was scary. Eric told me his night vision wasn't worth shit, and I could barely see where the path was sometimes in the pitch dark atmosphere. But we kept going, trail marker to trail marker.

Then my phone went out. The lighted screen would not light up at all. I only had the light from my keys. I could not make out the reflection of the next trail marker. I told Eric to stay at the last trail marker while I went ahead to find the next. When I got to the next, I put my cell phone in the air and hoped Eric could follow the trail to my voice. I told him to inch forward because we had no idea how close the cliff was, but the path always stayed very close to cliffline. We did this in order to not lose the trail. I did not want to lose the trail. It was the only thing that gave us some sense of orientation to where the trailhead might have been.

It was always a fear though we might overshoot the trailhead and keep going around on what I remembered seeing as a 4-mile trail. I thought we might just start going around in 4-mile loops, spending the night walking in circles.

We did this for a while. It felt like hours and we had no idea of time. We just had the overcoming feeling over relentless signs pointing forward. We kept hoping to see one point right and to the trail head.

Eric told me he was getting pretty cold. The rain was starting to pour. We would keep inching forward. Sometimes I would go for a little bit before seeing a trail marker with my now dimly lit phone. My phone beeped a familiar sound of the battery dying, and I knew we would soon be without a light source. We got up to another trail marker, and it died. No more light.

I told Eric to stay here and keep the path. I hated to leave him, but he had a headlamp in the car and maybe we were really close. I knew going off in the dark was a pretty bad thing, but it felt like our only hope.

I walked down what I felt was the path. Sometimes I could dimly make it out. Sometimes I saw where logs were cut right next to my feet. It gave me strength to keep moving. I called back to Eric that I was going to go for it, and try to make it back to the car.

Faith and doubt clouded my every thought. I kept saying prayers again and again. I prayed to Jesus, to Mary to any patron saint I could remember. I kept thinking how long it was since I left Eric. I pictured him sitting there hoping I'd come back. I felt as if his life was directly in my hands. At one point, I thought I had lost the path. I could see nothing and everything looked like the path. I reached over and grabbed the tree next to me and felt a trail marker with my hands. What luck.

I walked for what what seemed like an hour, and found the the gravel parking lot back to the car. I ran to the car, snatched the head lamp and ran as fast I could back to Eric. I could clearly see the path with the head lamp now. I was yelling the entire time, but he couldn't hear me yet. I kept thinking maybe he moved and fell off the cliff. I ran faster. I was just hoping he would respond to one of the yells, and in a few minutes he did.

I got back and celebrated for a split second and then started to walk back to the car. It took us nearly 20 minutes to reach the car, and with all the twists and turns in the trail, Eric kept asking me how I saw the trail with no light. I still have no idea. I told him it was faith and hope that kept me going. I just thought I should be walking in the right direction. I told him how I was thinking and that I had to make it to the car. It was where all the hope was. I couldn't turn back. That would have meant failure and maybe something worse.

We arrived at around 2:30, 3:00 p.m. and got back to the car at 9:11 p.m.

We couldn't have spent the night out there. It was about 40 F and pouring down rain when I woke up this morning. We would have never made the night.

Sometimes, it just feels good to wake up in the morning and just be able to breathe.

Bittersweet

Went climbing again yesterday. It was pretty sweet. I picked a couple new friends and hung out with Bryant and heard all about his trip to Kalymnos, Greece. It sounded pretty sweet and now I think he is an even sicker climber. I hung out with Lisa again also. She is so nice and has such passion about her beliefs. I trust some people instantaneously. I trust her.

Some things seem further than I can ever touch. To want something so bad, finding it and then knowing you can't have it is ...

Bittersweet.

A little drama happened lastnight. It seems someone close to my family suffered a heart attack. He is fine, but had a second one this morning. It wouldn't be the first time a heart attack has happened in the family, but I was very worried because it was someone close to my mother. I did not want to see her go through losing someone so close again. All is well though. Soon, I will return back to school.

I want to be swamped. Maybe the entries in my written journal might stay under two pages. haha.

Pipe Dream

Lastnight, I had a vivid dream ...

The bright night sky lit up the ground. The luminescence of starlight painted from the blue galaxy above made it seem as if the sky were swirling around in giant vortex. The ground was fresh with summer, damp. The night still young.

A fiery ferocity gripped me. I felt as if the world would die if I did not act. The weight seemed to lift as I resolved more and more to help. I remember a voice towering above a crowd. It said, act. It said, try. It pleaded and demanded at the same time, and the huge crowd below sat motionless, probably stilled by the overwhelming sense of fright in the air. That is when I left.

As I look back now, it all seems a bit crazy how something so trivial could have such importance. It was a huge blue pipe sticking out of the ground. That was what I had to conquer. It jutted from the ground and into the sky. It bent at around 400 ft. and swayed into a snake like contortion. And the end was a sudden small and single blue-lighted shaft beaming to the ground. Along the entire frame of this seemingly smooth pipe were ridges, and small ledges. Some I could see were obviously for maintenance while others just seemed to be part of the design.

I knew I had to climb the outside of the pipe. I think I was chasing someone. As I kept climbing, a sinister voice kept saying I was not meant to climb the pipe. I would fall. It kept reminding me of the long distance to the ground and my death. It told me I was weak. It said I was wrong. It said the town was wrong, and the person climbing the pipe in front of me was strong, stronger than I. But I kept climbing. The more the voice said I was wrong, the more passionate I felt about the cause, and the stronger I climbed. When the pipe started to round, I was very close to the person. I wanted something.

When I caught up, I ripped it away. It did not fight me, but instead sat and cowered on the side of a little steel ledge. When I reached the lighted shaft, it scared me. It was the end. The danger was over. I had lost my edge, and the ground seemed an eternity away. But with one last dreamlike suggestion, I leapt out and grabbed the narrow shaft and started to slide to the ground.

....

It was a great dream, vivid and extreme. I feel as if it could be telling me something great about my life, but I think I will dissect it later. I just had to get here and write it out.

Time slows down.

Found a poem today. Nostalgia crept in.

Instantly, my mind became what it once was, and I yearned for excitement. I wanted to bleed, to start on something dangerous, something adventurous. I soon calmed down and focused on my next semester.

Sometimes I forget the dynamics of my history. I forget how I needed something new and something fun all the time. I have become too accustomed with just focusing on finishing school. I know I have grown soft for adventure. I forget also how complex my courses used to be and how intriguing I found every little puzzle in life.

I also thought of how much less I write now. I write for me, but I do not write for others. I no longer tell long stories ... or create poems for the ladies. haha. I found one of my old english assignments, which I had thought was horrible, but it had the words "beautifully written and vividly descriptive" on the front. Weird, eh? - I've also started using a Canadian dialect when I talk to a few people. Wut's dat all a boot, eh?

Only days to go before school starts. Tomorrow, I will head down to St. Louis. Wednesday, I'll be climbing with Bryant and Lisa (and her posse.) And Thursday, if all goes according to plan, I'll be moved into my new place. Thankfully ... then I can at least start getting busy, a great many obstacles to tackle this semester.

First days of 2006

I can usually tell the start of a great book by just the first few lines. Some are great and memorable. Others begin with a trite, cliche opening.

I'm hoping to judge this year by the first few days. And so far, it looks to be a good one. I met my first new friend this year. She is pretty special. She wants to do Peace Corps, a definite plus for any potential friends. She has a good sense of humor and spontaneous type of spirit. We went climbing in Bloomington. She has some improvement to make on the wall, but I had to admire her spirit.

So, I had a good day yesterday.

Today, I awoke at 4:30 a.m. to an annoying alarm on my cell phone, drank a cup of joe and then drove 45 minutes to spend 8 straight hours (one 15 min break) doing inventory at Famous Barr. Oh yeah, let me tell you something about fun. I think it was so fun, I might do it four more days. haha. I say hey, it's a little cash flow. Maybe I can have another adventure before break is up.

Last day of 2005

Hung out with my bro yesterday. We were supposed to go climbing but he was two hours late, threw off the whole rhythm of the day. But all is forgiven.

We started out by heading to downtown St. Louis. We went to Union Station, Hooters. It was my cousin Brandon, Justice and his best friend Lon ( no idea if that is how you spell his name.) It was an awesome day, but I think I felt a little sick afterwards, not enough sleep and too much alcohol/caffeine.

As I walked with my cousin lastnight, a little epiphany erupted in my little world. The air was crisp and wet. It was slightly cloudy and the lights reflected off the ground to create a dreamlike atmosphere. I could have just walked around alone and been perfectly happy. We were right under the arch, headed towards downtown. I like being in a place where something is always happening, and I think that is what draws me so much to the city. I know St. Louis isn't the biggest place, but it is nice. I like seeing all the diversity in the people. I like having different restaurants, different bars, museums and art exhibits at my fingertips.

I later headed back to Sossity's house. I played around with her children and finally was too tired and too sick to go on, so I drove my cousin back home and went back to Taylorville.

I really do see myself just packing up one day and moving away to some distant place. It doesn't scare me. It just thrills me. I think if God has a plan for me, I will be fine. It will all be good. I know how much life is worth and how short it is by all the people that I have lost so far. I want my life to be something amazing. I don't need fame or fortune though. I just want experiences. I want to live a truly romantic lifestyle. I want big adventures, big wins, huge losses and all the risks that come along with those odds.

I know I want to help people, and I know I am not doing enough as it is. So right now, I'll work on building myself up. I will work on being a better person so I might actually be strong enough to do all that I plan on doing. I really do need to be stronger before I begin on this huge journey I have planned.

Inspiration

Energy.

The vivid contrast of motionless days compared to utter excitement. It is the spellbinding disease I am born with. It is the champion fever I need. It is a call to reach somewhat above the ordinary, to act a little zany and compare myself to no other.

It is that ability to be unique. It is the courageous spirit that says Thank You when some call me weird for acting so goofy. But hey, at least life is interesting.

It feels good to look at the way nothing can be very hard when you want it enough. I once read a book that spoke about how a few people managed to walk, on foot, from Siberia down to the coast of India, a trek of some 2,000 miles. It happened after WWII when the Soviets moved into Poland with rash accusations of spies and war criminals. They took Polish soldiers to prison camps in Siberia. One of these men was a simple colonel who just wanted to be free, to be able to see his wife again. He set his mind to it, and then didn't let anything get in his way. When he arrived, he was starved, dehydrated and half insane, but he made it, and later wrote a book about it.

Another story that inspires me is the story of South Africa. The people of South Africa were dominated from 1652-1992 by a small minority of white settlers. Their story is so amazing. The native people were sometimes mowed down by machine guns, and it seems the government always had a plan to acculturate them into their society as a cheap workforce, especially after the discovery of gold and diamonds. They were dominated by the fierce curtain of apartheid. In a time of Martin Luther King, Jr. when we were worried about civil rights, the white South African government was still killing black South Africans for protesting their treatment in the streets. (and these were non-violent protests) But to see the videos of them singing about overcoming their treatment and how they would rise above it all, just signifies how much hope can do for people. Nelson Mandela, a pioneer for equal rights in South Africa, spent most of his life behind bars, writing for the liberation of his people. And one day the majority suffering succeeded, the world could bear witness no longer to such atrocities. The people said they would be shot over and over again, but they would work no more. Fear had no effect. They wanted freedom, and at that point, they had won their freedom.

Once the victory was achieved in the mind, it was a victory felt in reality. It is like "Redemption Song," by Bob Marley.

So many people just give up or get lazy. I see it so much in my hometown. But, I am given hope by those people who achieve so much.

I've seen a 65-year-old man run 10 miles a day and climb almost to the same ability I could, with bad arthritis in his fingers. He told me how he climbed the north face of Everest, and war stories of how they used to climb back in the day. He is someone that kept life interesting.

I've been lapped by old ladies while running in Boulder Canyon. haha. I mean I'm not a super-in-shape guy, but hey old ladies don't usually lap me. And I guarantee they stay in shape just because they want it that way.

So I say, if I want to keep things interesting, I will. Whether I am here in Illinois, Colorado or wherever else I might end up, it will be an adventure because I can make it that way. I'm tired of just letting things go because they might be too risky or others don't approve. I once said I would never be one to lose out because someone thought it was too crazy, and now I cement that promise once again. I will forever take chances. I will forever live on that razor's edge.

Win, lose or draw.

A call from the Mojave.

Picked up the phone this morning to hear someone driving through the Mojave Desert. Apparently my bro flew into Cali. to see a friend and is coming to Illinois to spend Christmas.

I don't know whether I'm excited yet or not. It seems like a long time since I last saw him, but we never really do anything together. Last time we just went and saw a movie or something. It was kind of fun watching him pick up on this girl at KFC though. haha. I remember when we went to Six Flags during one of his trips back. That was a blast. It seemed like every moment got crazier and crazier and one of my cousins still begs me every year to go back. I plan on it every single year, but then never have the money because of school. - No school this summer.

I wonder when my very crazy side will come back. I think sometimes it is gone, but I know it isn't. Every single chance I have to be very crazy I always hold back. I always say, "This time, you have to be responsible. You can't afford to take such chances." But in the end, I always want to take them. In the end, I always wonder when my degree will be done and I can afford to take some more chances with my life. Who knows what I will really do after school is over. Right now, the plan is Peace Corps. I think that could be a pretty crazy time, and also make my life not seem so ordinary anymore. And I'll be doing something I've been wanting to do since I was in high school.

But who knows these things. I do need to take some chances soon though. I'm getting soft with my crazier side. Maybe this summer I'll totally do something crazy. I must remember I'm not going to have any money my senior year. And that is still number one on my list. - finishing school.

boring days

I'm stuck in Taylorville.

I really don't know anyone here anymore so it as if I'm stuck in solitude. I have no idea why I ever come back here. I guess I was forced this time, but I'd rather be working the worst job than return here. I think sometimes if I am not careful with my life, I might get stuck here.

It is very depressing. I wonder where all my friends are ...

I miss the mountains even more when I am sedentary.

The start of a plan.

Well... I did very well this semester. No complaints.

But next semester, I have to try harder. I have so much to finish before I graduate next May. I still need to work on my French, build up my readings in economics, better understand what it is I'm going to do with my life, take the LSAT, volunteer at least 10 hours a month and develop the climbing club so it survives in the apathy that is sometimes SIU.

I have my place for next semester. It looks pretty good, and I'm pretty stoked about all the potential good times. My new roommate seems to a be a real upfront, honest guy who has some stuff figured out. So I don't think I"ll have any problems with him. His hopes are to climb every chance he gets. So I guess waking up and climbing next semester is going to be a good plan. I'll have 18 credits, and I hope to volunteer a whole lot more so I don't know how much climbing, but at least a day a week (at the very least.)

As for now, I'm stuck in the middle of this very flat state. I'm waiting for something fun to unwind. I have my doubts though. haha. I wake up in the morning about 5 a.m. and do a pretty intensive workout, go home take a shower and then off to the library to work on me smarts skills. And after I'm done with everything, another workout to cap off the night. I'm afraid being back in this desolate place will make me lazy, unwilling to work for what I want. So I have made it my time to study for the LSAT and read five or six books I've been meaning to read. I am hoping it will help me pass the time.

Someone told me before about an ancient greek saying, "As long as I breathe, I hope." I guess it could be true for me as well. Sometimes I am put into bleak situations, but if I think of all the times I've escaped, the chances I've taken soon after and all the great times I've had as a result. Then hope delivers me. It thwarts that ominous dark cloud of doubt and gives me wings so the fire inside swells and roars. One day it will get better, and my life will be more fullfilling. However for now, I must have hope. It is all I have sometimes.

semester week

Semesters are upon me!

I have one B, and the rest A's. One tinkers on the edge though and only comes down to finals.

Stressed and partially sick, but the semester is done. Next semester I'll have my own place again. Thankfully, I might have a new computer as well.

We shall see.

"As long as I breathe, I hope."

unsettled unconscious

I was standing on a street corner feeling tense. Perspiration dripping down my face, my feet edged on the curb beside the road as my heart beat out of control.

Hearing a sound like a blast, I set off. My legs burned. I had been running so long, but I was still so far away from knowing. So, I ran on. Like a thirsty soul coming from the Sahara to find a crystal blue oasis, my head carried me further than my body could go. And I flung myself into the the sand of despair, knowing how close it was that I had to go. For I saw that sweet water and knew very well I could never touch it.

These dreams follow me into sweet nights. They follow me and burden my existence. I wish they would stop. Even more, I wish they weren't telling me something in my unconscious is troubled. What was I running after in the dream? - Answers to questions.

The night now is fast, swift to the point of bringing about utter darkness. The days are cold, and hope tastes stale. Being where I am, originality seems distant, and I am no old, veteran traveler. I am no closer to my dreams.

Frightening how much everything stays the same. The same streets. The same bars. The same people. The same conversations.

The same. No change. Idle feelings, emotions.

Cold. - The very word sends shivers down my spine. When I am cold, I am mechanical. No Id prevails, no superego dominates. It is all Ego. Mediocrity reigns.

At this pace, I shall never be happy. Maybe that is why my dreams worry me the most. I don't even know what I want. I just know I don't want to be here, stuck.

I need to dive into something and just forget. Only a short time to go, I can hold out.

Three weeks until ?

My mind seems so clear right now. My nerves are calm. I don't feel the anxiety I felt before. I don't feel this need to impress anyone or do anything that is not geared towards what I need to do. I also feel a better confidence within my abilities. One thought keeps pressing on my mind, "no worries."

I have a couple projects due soon, but I am pretty sure they will fall into place.

I think I will go to sleep tonight and get up extra early with a clear head on my shoulders.

Face the facts: No one lives forever. Stress, if we let it, will kill every dream. The only fools are the ones that quit too early. and - If I have Faith, I shall find my way.

altitude

A 16-mile hike through Eldorado Canyon could not prepare me for the amount of food I shall eat today.

I will see family I haven't seen in years. And I will do it all above 10,000 ft.

It always feels better at higher altitudes.

Mountains

A line heard again and again: "do not what is easy, but do what is right."

And when I hear it, I am filled with such emotion, such passion. I want to burst out and scream and run in some direction to help someone, to do something worthy and make the choice myself, to turn down what is easy and do something right.

I do not doubt someday I will have this position to face, and it does not daunt me the slightest.

These past few days in the mountains were much needed. I have felt a huge weight lift from my chest as friendly faces embrace me with gestures of a better environment, a better message. I have driven through the mountains and been greeted by a girl transformed by only a couple months here. Always so sad in Illinois, she dreamt of the mountains. Now, she is here and I can see how much she has found herself. It reminds me of my first school year here.

I think it is standing in the grandeur of these jagged peaks that makes our hearts cry out for those inner ideals we believe in so much, as if society could not hold us back anymore. I know I have felt inspiration leave my side time and time again during the past few months, but it has awakened stronger than ever. It has been reborn in my mind.

I feel home when I am here and no one could know how much these mountains mean to me. They were my salvation after my father died, and the only thing that helped me to become a better man in the face of so much in high school. They were my "inner light" as Amy would say. I thought of living here so often it would almost break me daily.

These are some of my thoughts going through my mind right now, but more inner thoughts do prevail, and I am growing more towards who I really am every day. I know I am going towards what is right in life, and it does feel great. Those people who tell me I am crazy for doing what I do will never understand what it is like to see the bright sun outside of the box they live in. (metaphor)

Empty Christmas

Awww, that jolly good ol' time is approaching once again. Soon our materialistic society will explode, and it will be hard to avoid the onslaught of advertisers.

But I can't help think of it in another way.

I remember standing on lakefront in Chicago near Shedd Aquarium, the lights decorating houses on my trip up, the walk in dark near that unsettling river and holding a girl who meant a great deal to me. I kissed her with all the intensity held within my heart. I remember it sometimes as if it were yesterday. My passions overflowed within me and I could have given anything if the world would just let me be.

I remember sitting in St. Charles, Mo. going through the shops trying to find some gifts for a few special people. I chose to give my hard earned money to someone just for the simple thrill it would give me to see a smile on her face. The white horse with beautiful dark mane pulled a white carriage near the Missouri River. At that time, I sat across from it peering over the horse at all the people on the street and wondering if I could meet someone special enough to take in a carriage ride along the river.

I remember the trip I spent in Colorado. I remember my sister getting me drunk because I was upset at going back to Illinois a couple days early. I was very young then, but I still remember it with clarity.

Days long ago, I'd spend half the night awake hoping I might fall asleep and not wake up at dawn. But somehow I'd always wake up a few hours before my parents and sit impatiently in my room waiting for the sunrise to wake them. How great it was to have something to wait for, to have a new surprise waiting for you. It was always exhilarating for me.

Now, I say I have changed, but I have not. As the the holidays come closer, I have no one close to me. I think if I left it would not be so bad, but I would still walk and hope and wait for someone to come along. I'll take my small amount of money and buy the few people around me something they might like, and while I do I'll wish I was at another stage of my life. Christmas is always the hardest time to be single. I will, however, not rush into anything during the season because it means the most to me. I have been in very few relationships during Christmas (maybe two if not one.) It is the time I am the most optimistic and dream about having someone to just share a great love.

So as the time gets closer, I will get sappier. And then the New Year will come and nothing will have changed. I will be a little bit closer to graduation and real life. I think someday it will happen, but my hope does not rest in the present.

Heads or tails

Flipped a coin, and it said, no. So I called her anyway and asked her to study for LSAT together. She said, yes. With no romantic intentions, I think we shall start after Thanksgiving break.

I had a long drawn out conversation with a girl I know from campus Thursday. We were speaking about just making the best of things, and how Carbondale wasn't the place either of us really thought we'd end up, but we were trying to make it all it could be. I told her about my Peace Corps application and how I judged everything in my life by whether it could affect my dreams for the future. We both agreed that the people we bring into our lives should never keep us away from our futures. Instead, they should only inspire us to help us become better people and bring us closer to who we really are. - Not different people!

A lady at The Peace Corps said I have a pretty good chance of making it in. I imagine it will all come down to the interview, but I'm thinking it will go good, especially after they find out where I want to go.

I leave for Colorado very soon and am getting very antsy. I just want to get on the 777 so no one can stop me on my way. I can't wait just to be in the state again and SEE the mountains. I want to make sure they are still there with my own two eyes. haha.

Climbing club had a pretty rockin party Thursday night. There was dancing, jokes and people hanging out and having a great time. We all made asses out of ourselves, no haters though so it didn't matter. The next day we went out and showed some new people the basics, and now a few more people are addicted. I really love the idea of this club.

I remember so long ago when I would dream about climbing outdoors. It was such an chore just to find someone, and I tried all the time. I remember begging people just to take me out with them and even resorting to telling someone I had been climbing outdoors just to get outside. I ended up going up a 5.10 on my first time out and flashed it. It was at Golden and I still remember how happy I was just to be getting outdoors. I led my first climb on that day too. I didn't really care about the whole head game just because I was so happy just to be outdoors. I wish I could thank Matt for taking me. I remember when I left Colorado that we were planning on going on this crazy tour around the U.S. together. I hope he actually went and maybe someday I'll see him on a rockface somewhere, and we can speak about it.

That is the way it has been with my past. A lot of chances taken and so many good memories for it. Maybe that is why I feel so depressed sometimes here. I feel stagnant and no room for chance in my life. I can't wait until I get to get out in the real world. I want to be one of those people with a crazy story where I inspire people to be better than the world around them. I want to help people and become part of some great movement to change the world for the better. I don't care too much about making life a journey as long as it is an adventure. T'would be a great thing to live an adventure.

A dream

I had a dream of a certain girl lastnight. It makes me want to call her. In fact, I badly want to call her, but I have no premise for doing so other than mentioning my dream.

In my dream, we were nothing more than friends. But I dreamt that I kissed her. She told me it was too soon and how I really couldn't care about her and walked away. In my dream, I just sat there confused and then woke up to my alarm going off. I know this might be my subconscious trying to convey my sense of timing with the ladies is way off, especially if I want something more secure and with a better footing from the start, but damn it I really want to call this girl just see what might happen.

I have known this girl since last spring when a friend introduced us, and she has even liked me at one point, but I was busy. I see her from time to time in the student center and always tell her I will call her, but never do. She reads many books and can converse in detail about philosophy and world events and the political idealism behind those world events. She has brown hair and glasses, and I have always secretly liked her. I have never had the courage to actually make anything of it though. Maybe tonight my hopeless romantic side will prevail, and I will succeed in discovering how far my dreams really stretch. haha.

Or I might just flip a coin, go to a meeting and call it a night and say hello to tomorrow. Sometimes I think I make life way too complicated.

The setting

The setting sun shimmers. Golden, tangerine leaves paint a picture on swinging branches as well as the across the ground. The warm wind blows fiercly spreading the leaves across the ground and through the air. Night time comes quickly, but sitting outside reading a book as the sun sets or simply staring out and watching the leaves move in various directions, I notice maybe Carbondale is not all that bad.

When I leave, I know I shall miss this place for everything that I remember. I will be quick to forget all the bad. We are only held back by the memories we decide to keep about a certain place. Even though I know Carbondale has held me back, it has made me stronger, and in the long run I will embrace the experiences I had here.

I found a part of my journal I had while in high school. I could not have recalled the horrible times I spent pining about Colorado, or my life after high school. I had many high hopes. I know these high hopes went again on hiatus as I left school in Colorado to pursue a more fiscally responsible education. Yet, with all these memories refreshed, I still remember much more clearly of the times I spent bailing hay, riding my horse, climbing at the Silo, hanging out at the mall, or various trips with friends or the soccer team. I still remember all that. I don't forget that bad stuff, but it does not suit me to always think about it.

As I sit here writing, the sun has begun to dissipate. The leaves are losing their luster and the sky begins to shrink back and fall into darkness. The air seems to become cooler, if not at first it eventually will. The wind may pick up or it might die down, but all the beauty held there in a few moments will surely be remembered as I walk anywhere tonight. Do I often forget all this as the sun goes down about all the beauty that existed in the presence of the sun. Just because I cannot see the beauty does not mean it is still not there to be celebrated.

So in all of this I have started to lose and regain the parts most important to me. I feel I have left it too much to the people that surround me constantly and not enough to myself. I have been bent on how people perceive me for quite some time, even though it was not a big part of my life growing up. I have changed in school and sometimes, as in Carbondale, I have forgotten I have returned to that part of the country which I left so long ago as a choice.

I cannot think of it too highly, yet I can rejoice in the beauty I find here. I also must remember from whence I came and to what point I will eventually end up. So many times our paths are blocked by the setting of the sun. It does not mean that I will not go down that path, in the dark, and find myself closer when the sun rises again. I know I will not stop along my path and when I find myself again on my path, I will be that much closer.

Distraction

Distracted as I am, I do not forget those things most important.

I called my sister Linda yesterday. She confirmed I had a place to stay in Colorado during break. It felt good to hear her voice, and she said she was doing better. I asked Ryan to go with me. Today, he will either turn me down, in which case I'll buy a plane ticket, or he will say yes, and I'll make arrangements for the drive. Either way, I will go.

I started seeing a new girl. We have already broken it off, but feelings are still present, at least with me. The whole thing confused me. It started great, and then it was as if I could do nothing right. So, I broke it off thinking she could just do better. I have been given clues that one of my friends likes her, but maybe it is just a mechanism called confirmation bias. It is built of schemas (or blueprints) in our mind. If I expect everything to go wrong, my mind will find reinforcements. It is not as if my friend isn't an awesome friend, or this girl is not a very nice, smart, beautiful girl. It is just I am weary. I want to keep both of them simple, and I do not like the unforeseen drama that could occur.

I know. I know. I'm thinking too much and life isn't flowing.

However, I still feel very scared for what happened last time. I still see Charlotte from time to time, and it is almost as if the anger in her heart is just as fierce as ever. She says she is still afraid, but I always have wondered how much anger is really there. I do not want to go that route with the people currently in my life. So if I have to back off and be cold for a while, accept my place as a student, friend and colleague only and create an existance where hope lives in the future, I will.

Too much hangs in the balance, and I have no reason to take risks right now. I will have plenty of time for risk in the future.

Fairweather Friend

There is a song by All (Fairweather friend) that I often listen to.

Hey How You Been Nice To See You Again My Fairweather Friend
It's To Cool To See A Face From Way Back When My Fariweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
How Do You Do What Can I Do For You My Fairweather Friend
Better Use Me Up Now While I'm Still Of Use My Fairweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
Don't See You Around Here Anymore
I Really Don't The Have Time For You My Fairweather Friend
Don't Want To Have To Be Nice To You My Fairweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
Don't See You Around Here Anymore
I Really Don't Have Time For You My Fairweather Friend
Don't Want To Have To Be Nice To You My Fairweather Friend
There's No Room In My Life For You My Fairweather Friend
Time To Say Goodbye To You My Fairweather Friend - ALL


I first heard this song in high school and have found it is really true at times. Everyone wants you around while you are riding high, but when something happens, you really find out who your real friends are. I am not saying you treat everyone like crap and hope they stay around you, but some people just leave and you never see them when things start getting to you. I've heard words such as "downer," "negative," "pessimist," etc... but in truth, maybe people are just having a bad time and you should try to help them.

Things are pretty damn good for me right now. I often wonder, however, if things weren't who would walk away so fast? I know I haven't heard from one of my friends in a super long time. I haven't made any attempts to call him, but hey, he has a phone too. I felt sick lastnight and someone made a comment that made me seem always negative. I have my fears about a whole bunch of things right now, so maybe I should just live life and forget about it. I'll figure out who is true and who is not. I'm sure there will be those fairweather friends.

Renaissance

Looks like tonight will be an all-nighter. My midterm is due tomorrow and I want to throw this into a kind of decent story. Tonight caffeine is my friend. I enjoy its company.

I was interviewing the spokeswoman for the university today and a funny thing happened. I got a job! I have no idea how. I am going to do public relations articles for the university. My resume coming out college isn't going to be too bad at all. I was just casually talking to her after our brief interview and she offered me a job. Pretty crazy. I then called Laura, and she totally has had some really good luck as well. It is funny how so much is being pushed outside the box right now. It is incredible how alive I feel.

I held out from those who wanted me to succumb to mediocrity. And you know what? It is totally paying off. I now have a job that helps me in what I am doing. I am getting my financial stuff taken care of the best I can. Next week, I determine whether all will be settled or not.

I sat down and prayed in St. Francis Xavier at Saint Louis University Sunday. On my knees before God, I said a million thank you's for everything in my life. I said thanks for all the sorrows, hardships, pain, good times and amazing experiences. I thanked God for making me who I am today. I am so thankful sometimes that I am tested. It makes it so much more worth it when everything starts to turn around. I have been tested so many times, and I still go towards the good things in life. I never really turn my back on them no matter how much I am discouraged to do something else.

Not everything is perfect, but something has changed. A question I posed a long time ago has been answered, and now my life is my own. I will succeed. I no longer wonder. I would place all bets on me. If it were a million to one, I still believe I'd have the upper hand. I am not trying to sound cocky. I am just starting to really believe in myself.

- I have seen the blue sky among the white tipped mountains. I have put my feet in crystal clear streams while the hot sun soothes my heart. I have worked hard, thirsting for more, until collapse. I have seen what this world has to offer, and all it can take away. I have seen truth and beauty, and it is great.

In turmoil, I find an oasis

Something really crazy happened. It happened, and I'd rather not talk about it. I'd rather just show everyone through actions what it means to me.

I won't say that I didn't think it would happen. I could just say I didn't think it would happen now, here. It is written in my journal. I won't try to say more than I know right now.

I just know I'm happy. I'm happy in Southern Illinois. Who would've thought? Pretty crazy, eh?

It is like seeing the world refreshed, respirited.

A wait through next week.

A putrid taste stagnates in my heart. I have been left with so much on my plate right now with finances or lack there of, I nearly feel burnt out.

I'm still not over what my brother said to me. How could I be? I don't even know how to react to it, and maybe I just don't want to until I really start to breathe. I know he is right about some of the family, but I won't believe it for all. I am grateful for everything anyone has ever done for me, but the people I was talking about really haven't done anything. He might cite something if I have forgotten, but I just can't recall anything. Talk is cheap to me. It NEVER works for me.

I met a crazy cool girl, but my hopes on anything happening are diminishing with my dying ambition. We have a lot in common, but I don't think she even sees me for the fact I'm always so worried about everything else in my life. I also have to deal with an X telling me how horrible I am for this blog. I guess I see why it was good for me to get out in the first place. I forgot how everything I used to do was horrible. Freedom to act goofy or telling the truth without offending? - Who in the hell is that for? (Yeah I have no fucking clue either.)

My friend is helping me, but I still want that loan. I wouldn't be taking away from anyone then. I would just be making a promise to not fail in life. I'd like to think I'm pretty good for that.

I really need this weekend. I really want next week to be over. I really want to go out, at least one day, and tackle as many lead climbs as possible. I want to feel insecure and foolish on a route and still keep going. I want to take falls and feel some sort of exertion. I have not been hard enough on myself lately in that aspect. I no longer feel really alive. I just keep waiting for something to happen to me in an everyday sense, but nothing does. I no longer write for the Daily Egyptian. I no longer have any relationship that makes me feel loved. I haven't taken long road trips and haven't seen a good band since Flogging Molly in Orlando.

I talk about not being myself, but I am. I feel shitty right now just for that reason. I lost my car and now I feel trapped. I might try to fool myself, but I feel like I've been abandoned somewhere. I feel like all the adventure is over. I had no intention for every adventurous aspect to go out of my life. Give me one great adventure! That's all I want right now. It could be a trip to the bars gone totally goofy. I really don't care!

I need to do something this weekend. I'm hoping for great weather and a good climbing partner. All the guys are going to Kentucky. I hope I can find a good climbing partner who stays. Bryant seems up for something, and it would be nice to do some good lead climbing with him for once. I haven't even taken a lead fall with him, and I trust him a great deal. Crazy!

I guess I'm just getting soft. - Something that must be remedied.

I couldn't see the sky.

For a while, I began to stare at my dark muddy path. I fixated on the pain in my legs while trying to move. I lost hope as movement stopped. I prayed, but I never looked up. I cried and only added water to quickening mud.

If I had only seen the sky. If I had only looked up. If only ...

I may have seen the bright blue atmosphere or birds floating in the sky. I might have seen white clouds or a mist rising from the ground. I may have witnessed giant puffy white walls forming in the sky before the rain.

I prayed so hard and so long. "I will not walk away from the truth I've seen in this world,"I cried.

Many around me told me to give in. Not many believed in me. They barked names like lazy and selfish. At a time when I felt most threatened, many walked away. Many could not understand, would not understand my plight. They did not know how threatened I felt. My feet were giving way. I did not know what to do. However, I held on. I said something must happen. My faith had not given way just yet.

As long as it took to solve this problem, it went just as quickly.

My friend has reminded me of a quality I once possessed, lost and now reclaimed -True optimism. I never even asked for help. I never even hoped for it in such a way. I have noticed my friends know me more than my family ever could. It seems I have always been closer to my friends. I wonder why I never put the true importance on them.

Amy wrote me an e-mail tonight showing how much she cared also. My old friends have seen a side in me few others have. I hope to show my greatest side to many many people someday.

I have been so caught up with this idea of family, but in reality, it was only a word. My true family has always been there and never left my side. They were those who hurt because they couldn't help me. They were the ones who stayed by my side, gave me words of hope. The others now lay behind a wall. I do not understand their meaning of family. It is not a quality I want in my life.

It feels very weird to look around me now. It feels as if I have just gotten into college again. I must discover this and forget the transgressions so far on my path.



I have two degrees to work on, three more semesters left in school and a dean's list to keep.

Please, strength, stay with me until the end. I can only get stronger.