"Deus Caritas Est"

God is love.

I've never made it perfectly clear how I feel about Yahweh. Let me try to explain ...

The perfect white light, the feeling of cool rain on warm skin, the warm breeze, the tingling sensation felt when something truly affects my conscious, the warmth of love, the purity of charity, the greatness of the human spirit in the face of adversity ...

This would only describe the very surface, the most outer layer of the way I feel of Yahweh. When in danger, when in love, when there is any question of passion, I always turn towards an inner light. I find truth in this presence. I find my higher quality and my higher meaning. I find Yahweh in people's hearts, minds and souls. I find the hidden and mysterious name, the name of the substance, the proper name within the truth.

Imagine staring at a dim yellow light your whole life. All of society talks about how great this light is. Deep down in your heart, you know how this light is dim, but to go against the grain would be hard. Like turning yourself into water and throwing yourself onto the roaring fire of society, you would only sizzle and then dissipate into a cloud of mist. Your very essence would be consumed in the flames. So you keep going with society because it is the rational thing to do.


However someday a person will open the door to your little room and let in the world. The sun's magnificent, radiant, white light will pour through the room. It will cause your pupils to constrict. It will shower your very skin with warmth. Instantly, you will have seen the truth. Instantly, the dim yellow light can be no more. The truth has come out. It has shown you the right way, the true way to happiness. Maybe you will be able to lie to yourself, but only in the torment of your own mind. Who could possible turn away from the sun for a dim yellow light? Your body craves it. Your soul craves it. Being held away would be torture, and no great reward from society could equal the warmth and glow of those rays.

Only in the sunlight will we ever see the truth.

Colour

Colour brightens as the clouds darken overhead. I gain a vivid picture of life as the contrast becomes greater.

As I sit here now, basking in the natural silhouettes filtering through the room, I think next week will come and go as my life will surely come and go. Friends will come and go.

Life abounds with lessons.

When I was still very young, the darkness used to scare me. It was unfamiliar, vague. It had all the possibilities of ending me. I thought of strangers, wild animals, my weaknesses and even familiar strangers who scared me. Then came immersion ... I spent more and more time outdoors, in the streetlights, then in the moonlight, then with friends on dark nights roaming where I shouldn't. Each time, I returned safely. Each time I grew stronger. And just like that, the night became a part of me.

Overcoming a part of myself, I soon realized I had no idea of my possibilties. I still believe no one does until tested, a trial by fire.

Dreams

My view of reality flickers, and I realize I am still asleep. And as images flicker, the contrast between a sprint and a casual jog becomes apparent. This is the real world that I must soon return to.

In retaliation, my eyes close. My mind labors to stay sunken like a deepwater squid spotted by a marine biologist with a scalpel instead of a sense of humor. The labor of the mind intensifies as pictures come back of words and pages, intense images and experiences I have yet to encounter.

Then I am awake, and I think how can I make today fit closer to my dreams?

Da Funk

After reaching the snooze button for the fourth-consecutive time, I decided to roll out of bed and into my shirt-covered floor.

Soon the computer was playing Pulley.

Insect's Destroy

I'm looking for a friend today
Another victim just like me
A lunatic a loser a freak
Another casualty from a fucked up society
I gave my all to the system
Half my life still in question
All about the money and power
All the greed they've devoured
You never gave any credibility for a vision given to the enemy
And on the faces of humanity
A stone's eye throw for a man
On a pedestal
You sold your soul to the man
Another deal a deal gone bad
Another seed that never gets planted
Corporate insects destroy our planet
Never going to let another day die
My friend you and I
Feel the heat from the fire outside
Burning hot still alive
I keep it bottled inside me
You keep it bottled inside you
See the sun drop colours of red
Broken bones for a mouth well fed
Bring back a real train of thought
Another tool for the melting pot

Turned the shower completely cold and tried to feel alive.

An uncomfortable funk grips me.

Amoeba Brains

I use my right hand to assist in the jump towards the three-finger hold.
This route scares me no more.

I have my three fingers of my left hand smashed into this hold while my body dangles. My muscles contract, my body follows upward. Now I have a foot on the rock. I can steady myself, go up for a tiny flake in the rock with my left hand. I make the clip and move upward.

At the second clip something happens. My hand is slimy. I can't hold on to make the next clip. As I look downward, I know my ankle will not like the consequence of a fall this high up. But the move is still awkward, and my right hand will not leave the rock. As sweat leaks from my already soggy hand, I begin to accept I could fall. The people below me have started to wonder why I haven't made the clip. I keep my composure because what other choice is there, but they start to panic and yell out "foot" every five seconds. After some time, I give up hope of holding on with my right arm and use my forearm for stability while I reach down with my left to pick up a quickdraw from my harness. As the clip falls in, I know they didn't see it coming. I know they saw my fall. But I shrug it off and take a break. My energy is zapped, but this route will not have me today.

I finished the route without incident. I felt very tired and drained, but I finished.
I ended with a long easy route with a bit of a runout to calm my mind.

I decided that day to run a half marathon by the end of the summer. My training will start today. I need endurance. Both mental and physical.

As I grow stronger, I tend to develop a sense of comfort. I need to switch everything up and get to the next level. I will begin taking many falls (these not quite so dangerous) as I move up to harder and harder routes.

I know my weaknesses. I understand my weaknesses. Now I must break them before I finish school. There is no room for weakness in life, at least not with what I want to accomplish.

A look into the adventure of life.

It is an instant purpose, the greatest of all feelings.

I once walked upon a bridge filled with a fog and a coolness. A river lit up brightly from the body of foggy light transcending upon it. My heart overflowed with passion. The brightness. The atmosphere. The adventure. The risk. Others had their ordinary lives, but for a moment I broke free.

I first came to Carbondale, and it was new, exciting. I saw her face and my life lit up. Nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I couldn't do.

I found myself driving to St. Louis. The possibilties were limitless. I followed my handwritten directions to the girl whom I had first met at the start of a sunrise.

Walked into the St. Francis Xavier at St. Lous University, held her hand and kneeled. I wished God to help her. I wished such a beautiful existance for her. I did not however wish to keep her for that time I knew it was over before it started. Yet such a beautiful day.

She called. It was over, she said. I said I was happy she made a decision. Happy she wasn't confused. She then said we had to talk about it in person. Walking through the door, I made some food and we began to talk. I told her never to settle, always to find her path and always, always go wherever her heart would take her. We kissed one last time with few tears, knowing we were both on a good, solid path.

Knowing her, we walked through the tall grass finding various examples of flora. She knew them all by name and would go on at length. I'd grab her hand, and she'd stop lost in thought. Stopping by a little brook, I held her as if I'd never let go. That day ended walking along with the statues and beautiful architecture thinking that if we were as beautiful it might last.

She called. I asked the questions this time. Two hours later, she called back. She had to talk to me again. She said it was hard to find someone who could talk about the world. I suggested we meet, talk over coffee. My roommate said I was a fool. I said I knew adventure. Then as I reached her dorm and rang the bell. I thought I had been mistaken by the glimpse of beauty I saw coming down the stairs. We walked in the snow that night, stopping under a light to have our first kiss. Then whispering in a park of how we had waited so long to meet each other, so long to find it all.

Everything ends. But one day, everything will stay.

Life

Be exciting! Live for just once in your life! Be happy and celebrate! Find a reason to be proud!

I tried to explain lastnight why life was so much better sober, and it seemed as if this guy finally got the picture. I say fuck a life that needs drugs to be interesting. I say to hell with that boring of an existance. It is the easy way out. It is the television of intellectualism. Sure anyone can say something stupid thinking it is intelligent while they are stoned, but I see it differently.

If we only live once, why would we want to dull any moment of this life? Sure, relax once in a while but if you go through your life just getting drunk and stoned as a source of fun, well ... what a useless existance.

Your soul is wasted.

WHY?!?

Run

Every chance is a path.

Freedom is the succession of powerful, propelling thrusting feet, a body swiftly floating over the ground.

It is my heart pounding, lungs expanding, mind focusing. It is the strength and joy I receive.

How many more paths could I choose before I must choose one? How many more paths must I see before I can be sure I have chosen the right one? Only through being strong may I choose the right path. Only through being able to run them all may I find one suitable. Only by being optimistic and righteous may I remember the right ideals to carry me down the right path.

Every chance is a path.

 

Red Rocks, Nevada

 

Before a late walk

Dramatic passions make life visible, real. Mystery makes it worth living. The new, everchanging perplexities of life direct a temperament.

a song in the background reminds me of so many dramatic passions.
love seems so distant, less visible, no more the vision, the passion, the dream. now only the undoing, the journey off the path - unnerving, ending destruction of one's dreams.

The sleepless night carries me in l o n g thoughts. A harsh sound awakes a dreamy soul, and television waves now whisper through paper-thin walls. I no longer have hopes of finding that one girl in Carbondale. It seems as if I gained so much more than a girl here. She was never supposed to be here. Girls live on different substance here. Something less than what I need.

I must admit, however, the countryside ...

'tis beautiful.

Thawing

Cloudy and warm ...

Let the radiance come. Allow the courage of life to consume all.

When a heart burns, it sets fire to everything around. People with their jeers, downcast eyes, doubts act as water on a roaring fire. If the fire is deep, it smoulders. It buries itself and waits.

Explosive roar. Hunger. Ambition. The apathy lets go. The light shines. No dispirited water can quell.

The summer approaches. School will soon wait.

I feel young again.

Migraine

Inspired when I am the most active and bleeding when I sit indolent
head throbbing
little pill salvaging spirit
spilling soul
body overheating
awaiting delivery
please digest

Dusting the cover, reflecting the truth

The spiral cover, the holding on, the deliberation and successions ... seem confounded at a sense of better destiny. Yet true spirit holds. A granite soul balances sharp glances at the mind's own eye.


About yesterday ...

It is sometimes the trickiest of things to let go of life in order to truly live. But we must all take a willingful fall before life ever becomes without boundaries, interference, fear.

Yelling fury of one's own destruction

I fled home to escape back into the fire. I thought maybe this time I was stronger, so in the end I could make it, be stronger.

I could make it back home, never returning.

I will be stronger.

But at what price do I suffer this fate? I want to go home. I should have never come back to Illinois.

I do suffer.

Lackadaisical

The choices I make seem unmistakably bold and at the same time, deliberately yielding.

I glanced up to see a girl, whom I once knew, reading. She was very close to me, and now she is to be wed to another. How fast things change. It was only months ago. And look at me, here at this school, pondering out my future days. I want something to connect to, but I only see my life starting in the future.

I do what I can to stay sane: a book a week, constant studying, great friends and a positive enjoyment in the places around me.

But I still look up at the horizon and wait for my day to come.

The day I get to leave.

so much to do

The weather, warm.
The trees, green.

Give me time to breathe

I want to enjoy this.

Letting go of the reins.

Let it go.

SIU police sometimes lie or exaggerate, whichever you prefer. And sometimes that lands you and your buddies in a world of trouble. They say you were on the roof. You were never even on the stairs. You never saw anyone on the roof or even breach the roof, and you were watching. They say, they told you it would be given to Judicial Affairs. Then why did you not hear it? Why did everything come as such a shock?

Let it go.

I sit here missing the West, missing my phone and missing any sense of real freedom I may have once felt. I always feel shackled in Illinois. I am being punished for my shortcomings. For good behavior, I get good friends and good grades. It lessens the load. I also have climbing. However, soon the shackles might grip even harder as Judicial Affairs starts handing out the punishments. Somewhere deep down, I hope for a fine or maybe nothing if justice would prevail. While at other times, I hope the lies on the police report do not end in expulsion. Where would I go? How could I pay off all those bills without a good job? How would I get into the Peace Corps, law school, the rest of my life.

Let it go.

Because that is what I need to do. "Let it go." I need to have faith that this is my path, and I could never be happier with any other. Wherever life takes me, I shall embrace it. The dead ends will make me stronger. The pain will make me tougher. My failures shall only be covered when I mask them with success.

And to think before all of this, I was just worried about getting a decent girlfriend. haha.

Gut Instincts

Dear Friends,

I cannot recall the vast impropriety in which you have labeled me. I think some know me while others have no clue. But who cares! I know myself. But please do not judge me so quickly. The wall that I hide behind towers above most noble qualities found deep within my soul.

So who am I? Judge for yourself. Do it with an open mind. Do it with a free spirit. Please, open your heart for me and strive to see the same great spirit I see in all of you.

...


Red Rocks. Let me just say, "Wow." The beauty of the windy solitude, the crimson layers of hardened desert sandstone, the green cacti thriving in the harsh, unforgiving wasteland. T'was what Christ saw when he left society to feel closer to God.

I feel as if life is unyielding in giving me what I really need, what I truly want. However, I have hardened. My skin is thick like that of a Sequoia. No fire can burn me. No hope lost may extinguish my productivity. Hope is found within my heart. My need for love is gone. It is a dream, kept at times while at others ...


Lost.

why I am alone

In the rain, I notice no one beside me. When I go home, no one waits. When I call, no one expects my call.

It does not bother me, then it does. I am independent, but I am not. I immerse myself in economics, philosophy, literature, physics and climbing. I think of nothing else.

And then it rains ...

And the warm rain reminds me of a kiss so deeply felt, so deeply given that I wish to give it again. It reminds me of my heart and soul, my muse - love. How much deeper I think when it is all true.

Yet love cannot be for sometime. In the absence of truth, I am destroyed. My schoolwork fails. I am left with nothing. Then I only have doubt. Without faith, I'm nothing.

So for the sake of all, I am alone, searching out for a little bit of truth.

No lies.

Connect. Let go of the world.
All is well.
Night est noir. N'echappez pas.

Deliverance comes at one's own hands.
One's soul is one. L'esprit respire desdans la coeur.

Dream in the grass

I ran outside, turned the corner and fell. My legs acquiesced in the numb ruling to fall.

And I fell, the warm air reaching, breathing over me. The tall dark grass blew. The silhouette of branches clung to the dark shafts that were trees. No moon so the stars burned bright. I just lay there. Not thinking, hesitating one bit. At peace. If it were my last moment, good.

-And after I awoke, I went outside to the cold wet breeze. I sat down on a cold, wet rock. I gazed at the people around me all scurrying around, walking without a look from the ground. My mind wondered. I think maybe there is a place where people do not follow so compliantly, are not so absent to the outside world, are not so intrigued by the mundane on television, but are intrigued by the breathing, calculating perplexities of life.

And all I want is to find those people. I want to explore. I want to visit new places.

I want to exceed this school.

TOUGH it out!

I'm reclaiming myself.

No more of this. No more being afraid of anything. It's mine.

I am happy if you aren't. I am grateful for everything. I will do what I need to do in this life, idealist or not. Later tonight, I meet the rep from the Peace Corps. I will ask him all of my questions, and we'll see how soon I can sign up. I'm dropping a class and will be studying again for the LSAT.

May 25 I'll be in Denver for Millencolin. Hahahahah. :-)

Maybe going to SIU was detrimental at first, but I kept myself in the face of adversity. I stayed true to myself, and even in doubt, found myself at a better place.

I don't think my trial by fire is yet over, but I am stronger every single day.

Concentration

In a computer room ...

A little hiss of air escapes from the ceiling. The continous roar from the vent tries to overshadow it.

I feel calm. My life seems smooth. My senses are heightened.

When a see an Oreo, I nearly crumble. When I think of food, I salivate. More than not, this is psychological.

My body feels colder than normal. I dream of tomorrow and the next phase: brown rice and kale. I remind myself this is for self discipline, for health, for cleansing. I had moments yesterday which were unbearable. Other times, I didn't even notice.

I hope today is not so bad. I want to focus on myself and not food at this time.

It is about strength, determination and self control. It seems as if when I can focus, everything is sharper, every smell a little more real.

- My life is becoming more real, more how I want it to be. If we have one life on Earth, we should make it the best we can, the most beautiful, the most extreme, extravagant and bewildering. I have focused on passion, laughter and enlightenment.

All I can do is smile and know my life is mine.

-Millencolin (Battery Check)

Hitting P.B. drivin E20 north
Future plans being made
Going back and forth
Remain passive
I do got dreams on my mind
And I really should be taking a chance
Risk my safety just for once advance
The one who is trying
Is the one who succeeds
I should be following
My heart and my needs
But I know it's a problem for me
To translate words into deeds

Please say you feel the same way
Just say you know exactly how I feel
So say you feel the same way
And I will do it for real

When will I live my live for me?
When will I do what I want to?
When will I let myself be free
And take care of things that I value?
It's true. I need to forgive myself and see
It's not too late for something new

Satisfaction

Outside, dreariness creeps among the warmth as rain falls from the sky.

Inside, I breathe deeply and think of an old saying, "Work smart, not hard." And now I totally disagree. Why? It is simple.

Hard work is so rewarding. I just Aced a test that I could have done haphazard on. Haha. It just feels so great to know how well I was prepared for it, how well I understood every concept. I stayed up the entire night mastering the subject.

I say work hard and smart. The rewards will be that much greater. Some say we never use our full potential, but what if we simply started trying? That is what I'm up to. Simply trying.

A warmer day

Valentine's Day, a highly commercial holiday started for the exact purpose of increasing profit.

That said ... Motive does not always reflect outcome.

Sunshine and 50, the climbing scene gleams as rock sits dry. Routes beg to be climbed.

And being Valentine's Day, maybe I should go out in search of love. Or maybe the beginnings have already found me. And maybe a prospect, so recently, has blazed into my life. And has been so much excitement that sometimes it could almost be the rock.

And so the adventure of today begins, better or worse, 'tis a very beautiful day.

too busy

Valentine's Day sits around the corner.

As it is now, it's just another day. And I don't think I would want it to be anything else.


I'm just too busy.

Random thoughts of snow.

A white world, untouched and bright paints itself with little snow flakes.

It feels warmer on these days.

New days are about once again. And I am reminded of the mountains.

Bright white lines form on tops of dark branches.

So subtle but not, as the sky now matches with both the ground and the trees.

I'd rather be in two places at a time like this ... 1. Walking through the streets in some big city full of art museums, universities, cathedrals, science exhibits, aquariums and the like. or 2. Tramping through the mountains doing anything at all.

Truth

Truth.

Some people believe no such thing exists. It is all just a representation of what people think they know. I don't believe it.

Truth is real.

I heard Earl Caldwell tonight talk about the Martin Luther King, Jr. assassination. He was a respected journalist from the New York Times, and also an eye witness. But it seems his testimony was discredited. They told him that he was just seeing things. Even after having people corroborate his story. The goverment at the time did nothing to seek the truth. He even said parts of the crime scene were totally destroyed.

And there it is... The truth we hear, and the truth. They are so often two different things. Congress tells us it wants to pass a clean energy bill, but at the end of the resolution places a tax break for oil companies onto the bill.

As he was talking, I felt so alive.

I want to go out and fight the good fight. I want to fight for what people really want, or what I really feel deep down they all want, a righteous world. I want to be someone who sacrifices all the big things so maybe we can have a better world.

Call me an idealist. I'm just young. If I have it my way, I'll have this courage for a very long time.

New friends are golden, old friends are platinum

Hope is a powerful and dangerous thing. It creates our worlds and destroys them just as fast.

Lastnight I cheered to good friends. I made Bryant laugh so hard he threw up, and I lost touch with those things bothering me.

Somehow right now I think I just lost a new friend. I feel hurt but I know it is not worth the pain. I have lost so many friends.

I am glad to have the great ones here.

A smooth sunday afternoon

Even in bitter winter, I still sometimes lose myself in warmth.

Today is a beautiful day. The teal sky and white puffy clouds illuminate the barren trees swinging in the soft wind. The warming sun contrasts the cold, radiating my heart, strengthening the very rhythm of the day.

I woke up today reading of Ireland, of an immigrant's life and his return to the place of his ancestors. His father, a drunkard, has left his family in such a mess. I only wonder what will happen in the future. Even though I never grew up in the household, it reminds me of the ways my biological mom and my brother and sister had to endure at the hands of my irresponsible father who only made life worse. The book hits me hard, but does not dampen my spirit. It only reminds me of all the ways I have been made better.

Yesterday, I climbed. I really wish I was climbing right now, but too much has to be done. I need straight A's. Everything rides on it.

The ice-cold rock made my hands numb while I climbed, but my feet were very sticky and secure. My heart stayed steady as I moved up the rock. Everything felt secure. I lost touch with the world and only knew the rock. I didn't fear anything. I didn't look for the fall nor did I think I would.

It has been a long time since I haven't feared the fall. It felt great, and I know it comes as my life is finding more and more stability. I have begun to see my path and succeed in my studies. I have seen professors impressed in my abilities. It gives me confidence in myself.

Yet all is not great and could be better. So I will strive forward while remembering I am only one man. A man who can only go as far as his feet will carry him. Then I will flip over on my stomach and crawl using my arms. Haha.

With achievement comes perseverance

I tend to concentrate on one thing and lose sight of everything else.

I wish there were more hours in a day. I wish I wasn't so tired come 9 p.m.

But with so few hours in a day, I have to choose constantly what is important and what is not. I almost always choose school over everything else. But at what cost? Am I gradually losing my sense of humor? Am I becoming a stickler?

I can't stay up until 12 a.m. every night. It is hurting everything, but I constantly want to stay up so I can maybe talk with someone. Yet, it never works.

Loading up on caffeine this morning, I remember the words of Emerson, "College is not an education, but a means to an education." or something like that. So what am I learning? How to make busy every waking moment of my life?

If you read this and think I'm confused and I'm figuring anything out - I'm too busy to figure anything out, what are you? Crazy or something?

First French lesson tonight, WoooHOOO!!!!





Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks.

I'm super hyper.

Ambition

Imagine the possibilties if our dreams were left to soar, if our hopes were not smashed. We were given the chances we needed to succeed and the hope to carry our ambitions.

Just imagine . . .

No teachers making anyone feel unspecial. Parents telling their children how anything is possible.

A man in his late 40s once told me that he had not used his full potential. He went on to say no one really uses his or her full potential. But what would have to happen to use this full potential? A person's ambition would have to be high. Doors would have to open. And something would have to be there to inspire and give hope in times of doubt.

Where is this blog coming from?

I may have been given a chance to start out in life. It is a better start than I had hoped for and is a new an interesting path. It might also give me some foundation. I still can have everything else with this path, but it might just be a better place to start.

I hope one day I can fuel this burning, driving ambition.

Interesting week

Lastnight, I received a call from a professor I know. I was selected from a few choice students to meet with Earl Caldwell, a journalist whom I had only read about. He fought for his sources when a grand jury asked him to give names of his Black Panther contacts. It led to an unfavorable Supreme Court verdict, but the dissent is apparently being used today in many lower courts to justify source protection.

I've also been invited tomorrow to meet with a panelist from Washington, D.C. His name is Mathew Gardner, state tax policy directory for the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy.

It isn't so much that I'm spellbound as I'm just intrigued. I love to meet interesting people, and getting a chance to meet people who have such an effect on society . . . Well I'm impressed.

First climbing meeting tonight. I'm kind of nervous. I just need to focus and let it go in the right direction.

Concentration

Drown out the pain, the worry and the failures before. Survival is a neccessary condition. Smile, be happy and remember every day is just a blessing.

I've been thinking lately. I've been focusing, meditating and climbing. I've been supplementing this with the writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson. I feel a deep connection with his writing.

"Why has my motley diary no jokes? Because it is a soliloquy & every man is grave alone . . ." -Emerson

"There is a huge & disproportionate abundance of evil on earth. Indeed the good that is here, is but a little island of light, amidst the unbouned ocean . . ." - Emerson

The climbing has been good for me. It makes me feel as if I'm working hard. It makes my studying seem worth it. I am driven right now to seek my full potential in both mind and body. I must discipline myself.

I am focusing on the good in life amid this "unbounding ocean." I want to see whether or not I can rise above the attitude of the "norm" and breathe a little lighter.

I want to climb like key lime pie

Such a great party! I love being active.

The other night a friend of mine had a party. We were campusing on wooden blocks nearly the entire night. One arms and double campus. There were some girls ... nothing special. It was just great to be climbing.

I took a couple people out to the rock this weekend and worked on belay and setting top ropes. It was a fun time, and it was chill to sit outside.

The unseasonable warmth nearly lets me forget how homesick I am sometimes. In reality, it is pretty nice down here. There are some beautiful areas. I just feel I should always be somewhere else. Maybe I have no idea where that is.

I also decided to take some time and think. This week, I will work hard without distraction. Next week, I will fast. I need to focus on some stuff in my life, as in my unused potential. I told someone this lastnight, and she made reference to her leading me on. It took me offgaurd. But maybe she was right, and she had become that important to me. I guess I just thought it was good to hope and maybe start to build a good friendship.

I hate playing the role of the fool. I never take it too well.

Life is intense? say what??!!!

Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math
When you were alive
No one's gonna play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind? ...

And it's our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time
It's hard to remember ...
to live before you die ...
that are lives are such a short time ...
When it takes such a long time - Modest Mouse (Lives)

So why am I so intense to live life?

Because it is such a short time, because this is my first time and for all I know my last time. I've watched as people around me die. I've had to look into my father's face as he lay on a hospital bed, tubes bending from his arms and a oxygen mask over his face. And when I forget, someone else dies and I'm reminded.

So, it is not the fear of death. It is the fear I have that I will not LIVE before I have to go. I want to climb the tallest mountains. I want to visit distant lands. I want to help anyone and everyone I can. I want a family, and I want to make one woman the happiest she has ever been. I want to fall madly in love and build something beautiful.

Someone suggested in an e-mail I shouldn't be so intense about life. But I am young, and I say that is what life is all about. Let me cringe when I am bored. Let me sit mournfully when I have no prospects of a great adventure. Life to me is a vast and amazing journey.

I will be intense. I will not give up a single second of it.

Sobering mornings ...

What a long night! Red wine ... Not during a week night. Not anymore.

I dreamt lastnight of the mountains. People kept offering me plane tickets. I kept on refusing them. I just kept saying that if I went now it wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be as good as if I went later.

It was so frustrating. I awoke to the sound of construction and a fear to face all the things I probably said lastnight.

I hate how emotional I am sometimes. I hate the way I look for the past to keep reoccuring as if I could actually have such horrible luck. And I really hate hating something, especially something I am doing.

The Pope released his encyclical on modern love and charity. I was reading a little bit of it and began to understand what Father Joseph Brown was speaking about the other night. If we always focus on the negative, we lose sight of all the good.

I constantly allow myself to fall into these patterns.

My misgivings.

No post tonight could make up for how I treated a friend. I don't want to ruin my future with my past, but at times I think it is almost inescapable.



Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…
Ralph Waldo Emerson

first week

First week of school is done. Classes don't seem too difficult, but they will take work. I still need a few textbooks, and it seems my budget is in a bit of a crisis. I have a plan though and feel reassured everything will be fine.

In St. Charles I had time to think. I consistently believe things are different with some situations in my life, but they never are. It makes me want to be out of school and on with my life. I want to get around a set of people who know why they believe in things. I don't want to be around the confusion and just want to know someone who actually understands what they want out of this life. Maybe I am just talking about myself. Maybe I just want to understand what it is I expect from this life.

I know I am confused. I don't think the confusion will stop after school. Maybe I can have a little false hope that it might though. haha.

All in all though, things couldn't really be any better. I love my new place. I have noticed I have some great friends. And, I think keeping good grades this semester will be somewhat easier than ever before. I have a lot to be happy about.

Adventure of faith and doubt.

Doubt - It clouds our faith. It pulls a mist in front of our eyes. It keeps us on edge.


Faith - It brings realization. It breaks fear. It fuels a fire to live.



Lastnight, a constant inner struggle between doubt and faith raged inside of my soul.

After climbing, Eric and I went out to a natural area near Jackson Falls. We had never been there before and wanted to see what it was all about. I have interviewed quite a few people who would always speak about how great it was, but I had never actually been there.

It is a place filled with a crystal clear stream, plenty of rocks and 60 to 80-foot clifflines. A pretty beautiful area.

It started out ordinary enough. We crossed the shallow part of this stream to get to an area where two rocks fell into a little pool. It was a pretty good place to chill. While sitting there a guy told us of another area on that side of the stream with a big pool and a rope to swing into it. So we checked it out.

After we left the big pool, we kept heading down the path until it ended hoping to find a place to cross the now deep, ice-cold stream without taking off our shoes and wading through the water. But the path ended, and we made the conscious choice to keep moving. We decided to be "adventurous" and cross later on.

But by the time we crossed the stream and started to head back, it seemed we were walking much further to get back to the path. But it was warm, and we thought we had a lot daylight and kept walking. Soon we saw what appeared to be a walkup near a cliffline. So we walked up, thinking we were right near the car and could just find and follow a path back to the car. If we were oriented right, we might have known we were not walking back to the car, but in a viscious circle that lead us back down the cliffline and back to the bottoms.

After reaching the bottoms again. We started to deliberate.

"Maybe when we crossed the stream the first time, we didn't cross the stream at all, but just thought we did," I said.

This idea kind of shocked us. It meant we had become very disoriented and could have been walking in the wrong direction the entire time, further and further away from where we were headed.

The idea hit Eric that maybe the stream we were heading down was a tributary, and we need to find a fork in the stream. We headed back. It started to get dark. The clouds in the sky assured us that it would be a dark night. We could not stay out here.

Then we caught a break, a yellow trail marker. Phew. It was a definite good sign. We started to joke about how we thought we were lost and how it looked a little bleak there for a moment. We laughed to think about this old iron ladder we had found going up the rock face and natural beautiful arch we had walked across when we got to the top.

It was getting even darker now, but we had found the yellow path. We were going to be just fine. We walked for a good while, following the markers. Following the path, coming around the corner, I said to Eric, "You're not going to believe this. Come here and look at this."

It was the steel ladder up the side of the rock. We had been walking in circles. The path did not lead to the trail head. But there was still hope. The night was getting darker, but using the light from my cell phone we were able to find a blue trail marker. We started to follow that path. I had remembered from the trailhead board that the blue path ran in a loop. So again, we said it might look bad, but we're still good. We had some sort of light (the dim blue light from a cell phone) and we had our composure. Composure was helped by the tranquility of the place. The wind blew through the trees with a reassuring hum that nothing could happen to us. We said only encouraging words in dialogue.

Sometimes losing the trail, we went trail marker to trail marker. The path was sometimes slippery rock. At one point we had to cross a part very close to the cliffline with only the light of a cell phone. The darkness had not totally set in yet, so we could still make out the shadow of the cliffline. It would not be the scariest point.

Suddenly the arrows started pointing down. We had lost the trail, but followed the trail markers. We both slipped multiple times going down the rock. But eventually got down. It had now started to rain. It was a light rain, but it grew steadily stronger. Both somewhat dry though, we still had some time before we worried about getting too cold. Worst case scenario, we still planned to sleep outside and hike out in the morning if we had to.

When we reached the bottom of the cliff, the trail markers were suddenly on the other side of the stream. The streams depth was unkown. But we were hell bent on getting back to the car. We were not going to spend the night out there. We rolled up our pant legs and started to wade across what happened to be water higher than our knees with slippery rock at the bottom.

Halfway across Eric Fell. He was soaked in ice cold water. It was my worst fear that one of us would get wet. Also, it was starting to get cooler out and the rain was slowly getting harder.

Then the unimaginable, I slipped. My cellphone fell into the water. It was our only source of light. I hurried to quickly dry it off. Eric asked if I was OK. All I could think was 'no, no, no' so I said "NO, NO, NO."

It started to vibrate uncontrollably and the light soon dimmed and went out. I thought the battery was gone at that point. We were out there with no light and on a part where we had no idea where the path was. My cell phone on the fritz, we start to deliberate spending the night. But the rain kept coming, and the temperature kept dropping. I knew in my mind we couldn't stay out there. I thought Eric did too. But what choices did we have?

Tinkering around with the cell phone, suddenly the screen lights up again. I have to hold certain buttons down, but the screen soon illuminates for brief periods of time before the vibrating starts again, and we have to resort to taking out the battery and hoping we find the next trail marker. The trail leads up the cliffline.

While on the cliffline, it was scary. Eric told me his night vision wasn't worth shit, and I could barely see where the path was sometimes in the pitch dark atmosphere. But we kept going, trail marker to trail marker.

Then my phone went out. The lighted screen would not light up at all. I only had the light from my keys. I could not make out the reflection of the next trail marker. I told Eric to stay at the last trail marker while I went ahead to find the next. When I got to the next, I put my cell phone in the air and hoped Eric could follow the trail to my voice. I told him to inch forward because we had no idea how close the cliff was, but the path always stayed very close to cliffline. We did this in order to not lose the trail. I did not want to lose the trail. It was the only thing that gave us some sense of orientation to where the trailhead might have been.

It was always a fear though we might overshoot the trailhead and keep going around on what I remembered seeing as a 4-mile trail. I thought we might just start going around in 4-mile loops, spending the night walking in circles.

We did this for a while. It felt like hours and we had no idea of time. We just had the overcoming feeling over relentless signs pointing forward. We kept hoping to see one point right and to the trail head.

Eric told me he was getting pretty cold. The rain was starting to pour. We would keep inching forward. Sometimes I would go for a little bit before seeing a trail marker with my now dimly lit phone. My phone beeped a familiar sound of the battery dying, and I knew we would soon be without a light source. We got up to another trail marker, and it died. No more light.

I told Eric to stay here and keep the path. I hated to leave him, but he had a headlamp in the car and maybe we were really close. I knew going off in the dark was a pretty bad thing, but it felt like our only hope.

I walked down what I felt was the path. Sometimes I could dimly make it out. Sometimes I saw where logs were cut right next to my feet. It gave me strength to keep moving. I called back to Eric that I was going to go for it, and try to make it back to the car.

Faith and doubt clouded my every thought. I kept saying prayers again and again. I prayed to Jesus, to Mary to any patron saint I could remember. I kept thinking how long it was since I left Eric. I pictured him sitting there hoping I'd come back. I felt as if his life was directly in my hands. At one point, I thought I had lost the path. I could see nothing and everything looked like the path. I reached over and grabbed the tree next to me and felt a trail marker with my hands. What luck.

I walked for what what seemed like an hour, and found the the gravel parking lot back to the car. I ran to the car, snatched the head lamp and ran as fast I could back to Eric. I could clearly see the path with the head lamp now. I was yelling the entire time, but he couldn't hear me yet. I kept thinking maybe he moved and fell off the cliff. I ran faster. I was just hoping he would respond to one of the yells, and in a few minutes he did.

I got back and celebrated for a split second and then started to walk back to the car. It took us nearly 20 minutes to reach the car, and with all the twists and turns in the trail, Eric kept asking me how I saw the trail with no light. I still have no idea. I told him it was faith and hope that kept me going. I just thought I should be walking in the right direction. I told him how I was thinking and that I had to make it to the car. It was where all the hope was. I couldn't turn back. That would have meant failure and maybe something worse.

We arrived at around 2:30, 3:00 p.m. and got back to the car at 9:11 p.m.

We couldn't have spent the night out there. It was about 40 F and pouring down rain when I woke up this morning. We would have never made the night.

Sometimes, it just feels good to wake up in the morning and just be able to breathe.

Bittersweet

Went climbing again yesterday. It was pretty sweet. I picked a couple new friends and hung out with Bryant and heard all about his trip to Kalymnos, Greece. It sounded pretty sweet and now I think he is an even sicker climber. I hung out with Lisa again also. She is so nice and has such passion about her beliefs. I trust some people instantaneously. I trust her.

Some things seem further than I can ever touch. To want something so bad, finding it and then knowing you can't have it is ...

Bittersweet.

A little drama happened lastnight. It seems someone close to my family suffered a heart attack. He is fine, but had a second one this morning. It wouldn't be the first time a heart attack has happened in the family, but I was very worried because it was someone close to my mother. I did not want to see her go through losing someone so close again. All is well though. Soon, I will return back to school.

I want to be swamped. Maybe the entries in my written journal might stay under two pages. haha.

Pipe Dream

Lastnight, I had a vivid dream ...

The bright night sky lit up the ground. The luminescence of starlight painted from the blue galaxy above made it seem as if the sky were swirling around in giant vortex. The ground was fresh with summer, damp. The night still young.

A fiery ferocity gripped me. I felt as if the world would die if I did not act. The weight seemed to lift as I resolved more and more to help. I remember a voice towering above a crowd. It said, act. It said, try. It pleaded and demanded at the same time, and the huge crowd below sat motionless, probably stilled by the overwhelming sense of fright in the air. That is when I left.

As I look back now, it all seems a bit crazy how something so trivial could have such importance. It was a huge blue pipe sticking out of the ground. That was what I had to conquer. It jutted from the ground and into the sky. It bent at around 400 ft. and swayed into a snake like contortion. And the end was a sudden small and single blue-lighted shaft beaming to the ground. Along the entire frame of this seemingly smooth pipe were ridges, and small ledges. Some I could see were obviously for maintenance while others just seemed to be part of the design.

I knew I had to climb the outside of the pipe. I think I was chasing someone. As I kept climbing, a sinister voice kept saying I was not meant to climb the pipe. I would fall. It kept reminding me of the long distance to the ground and my death. It told me I was weak. It said I was wrong. It said the town was wrong, and the person climbing the pipe in front of me was strong, stronger than I. But I kept climbing. The more the voice said I was wrong, the more passionate I felt about the cause, and the stronger I climbed. When the pipe started to round, I was very close to the person. I wanted something.

When I caught up, I ripped it away. It did not fight me, but instead sat and cowered on the side of a little steel ledge. When I reached the lighted shaft, it scared me. It was the end. The danger was over. I had lost my edge, and the ground seemed an eternity away. But with one last dreamlike suggestion, I leapt out and grabbed the narrow shaft and started to slide to the ground.

....

It was a great dream, vivid and extreme. I feel as if it could be telling me something great about my life, but I think I will dissect it later. I just had to get here and write it out.

Time slows down.

Found a poem today. Nostalgia crept in.

Instantly, my mind became what it once was, and I yearned for excitement. I wanted to bleed, to start on something dangerous, something adventurous. I soon calmed down and focused on my next semester.

Sometimes I forget the dynamics of my history. I forget how I needed something new and something fun all the time. I have become too accustomed with just focusing on finishing school. I know I have grown soft for adventure. I forget also how complex my courses used to be and how intriguing I found every little puzzle in life.

I also thought of how much less I write now. I write for me, but I do not write for others. I no longer tell long stories ... or create poems for the ladies. haha. I found one of my old english assignments, which I had thought was horrible, but it had the words "beautifully written and vividly descriptive" on the front. Weird, eh? - I've also started using a Canadian dialect when I talk to a few people. Wut's dat all a boot, eh?

Only days to go before school starts. Tomorrow, I will head down to St. Louis. Wednesday, I'll be climbing with Bryant and Lisa (and her posse.) And Thursday, if all goes according to plan, I'll be moved into my new place. Thankfully ... then I can at least start getting busy, a great many obstacles to tackle this semester.

First days of 2006

I can usually tell the start of a great book by just the first few lines. Some are great and memorable. Others begin with a trite, cliche opening.

I'm hoping to judge this year by the first few days. And so far, it looks to be a good one. I met my first new friend this year. She is pretty special. She wants to do Peace Corps, a definite plus for any potential friends. She has a good sense of humor and spontaneous type of spirit. We went climbing in Bloomington. She has some improvement to make on the wall, but I had to admire her spirit.

So, I had a good day yesterday.

Today, I awoke at 4:30 a.m. to an annoying alarm on my cell phone, drank a cup of joe and then drove 45 minutes to spend 8 straight hours (one 15 min break) doing inventory at Famous Barr. Oh yeah, let me tell you something about fun. I think it was so fun, I might do it four more days. haha. I say hey, it's a little cash flow. Maybe I can have another adventure before break is up.

Last day of 2005

Hung out with my bro yesterday. We were supposed to go climbing but he was two hours late, threw off the whole rhythm of the day. But all is forgiven.

We started out by heading to downtown St. Louis. We went to Union Station, Hooters. It was my cousin Brandon, Justice and his best friend Lon ( no idea if that is how you spell his name.) It was an awesome day, but I think I felt a little sick afterwards, not enough sleep and too much alcohol/caffeine.

As I walked with my cousin lastnight, a little epiphany erupted in my little world. The air was crisp and wet. It was slightly cloudy and the lights reflected off the ground to create a dreamlike atmosphere. I could have just walked around alone and been perfectly happy. We were right under the arch, headed towards downtown. I like being in a place where something is always happening, and I think that is what draws me so much to the city. I know St. Louis isn't the biggest place, but it is nice. I like seeing all the diversity in the people. I like having different restaurants, different bars, museums and art exhibits at my fingertips.

I later headed back to Sossity's house. I played around with her children and finally was too tired and too sick to go on, so I drove my cousin back home and went back to Taylorville.

I really do see myself just packing up one day and moving away to some distant place. It doesn't scare me. It just thrills me. I think if God has a plan for me, I will be fine. It will all be good. I know how much life is worth and how short it is by all the people that I have lost so far. I want my life to be something amazing. I don't need fame or fortune though. I just want experiences. I want to live a truly romantic lifestyle. I want big adventures, big wins, huge losses and all the risks that come along with those odds.

I know I want to help people, and I know I am not doing enough as it is. So right now, I'll work on building myself up. I will work on being a better person so I might actually be strong enough to do all that I plan on doing. I really do need to be stronger before I begin on this huge journey I have planned.

Inspiration

Energy.

The vivid contrast of motionless days compared to utter excitement. It is the spellbinding disease I am born with. It is the champion fever I need. It is a call to reach somewhat above the ordinary, to act a little zany and compare myself to no other.

It is that ability to be unique. It is the courageous spirit that says Thank You when some call me weird for acting so goofy. But hey, at least life is interesting.

It feels good to look at the way nothing can be very hard when you want it enough. I once read a book that spoke about how a few people managed to walk, on foot, from Siberia down to the coast of India, a trek of some 2,000 miles. It happened after WWII when the Soviets moved into Poland with rash accusations of spies and war criminals. They took Polish soldiers to prison camps in Siberia. One of these men was a simple colonel who just wanted to be free, to be able to see his wife again. He set his mind to it, and then didn't let anything get in his way. When he arrived, he was starved, dehydrated and half insane, but he made it, and later wrote a book about it.

Another story that inspires me is the story of South Africa. The people of South Africa were dominated from 1652-1992 by a small minority of white settlers. Their story is so amazing. The native people were sometimes mowed down by machine guns, and it seems the government always had a plan to acculturate them into their society as a cheap workforce, especially after the discovery of gold and diamonds. They were dominated by the fierce curtain of apartheid. In a time of Martin Luther King, Jr. when we were worried about civil rights, the white South African government was still killing black South Africans for protesting their treatment in the streets. (and these were non-violent protests) But to see the videos of them singing about overcoming their treatment and how they would rise above it all, just signifies how much hope can do for people. Nelson Mandela, a pioneer for equal rights in South Africa, spent most of his life behind bars, writing for the liberation of his people. And one day the majority suffering succeeded, the world could bear witness no longer to such atrocities. The people said they would be shot over and over again, but they would work no more. Fear had no effect. They wanted freedom, and at that point, they had won their freedom.

Once the victory was achieved in the mind, it was a victory felt in reality. It is like "Redemption Song," by Bob Marley.

So many people just give up or get lazy. I see it so much in my hometown. But, I am given hope by those people who achieve so much.

I've seen a 65-year-old man run 10 miles a day and climb almost to the same ability I could, with bad arthritis in his fingers. He told me how he climbed the north face of Everest, and war stories of how they used to climb back in the day. He is someone that kept life interesting.

I've been lapped by old ladies while running in Boulder Canyon. haha. I mean I'm not a super-in-shape guy, but hey old ladies don't usually lap me. And I guarantee they stay in shape just because they want it that way.

So I say, if I want to keep things interesting, I will. Whether I am here in Illinois, Colorado or wherever else I might end up, it will be an adventure because I can make it that way. I'm tired of just letting things go because they might be too risky or others don't approve. I once said I would never be one to lose out because someone thought it was too crazy, and now I cement that promise once again. I will forever take chances. I will forever live on that razor's edge.

Win, lose or draw.

A call from the Mojave.

Picked up the phone this morning to hear someone driving through the Mojave Desert. Apparently my bro flew into Cali. to see a friend and is coming to Illinois to spend Christmas.

I don't know whether I'm excited yet or not. It seems like a long time since I last saw him, but we never really do anything together. Last time we just went and saw a movie or something. It was kind of fun watching him pick up on this girl at KFC though. haha. I remember when we went to Six Flags during one of his trips back. That was a blast. It seemed like every moment got crazier and crazier and one of my cousins still begs me every year to go back. I plan on it every single year, but then never have the money because of school. - No school this summer.

I wonder when my very crazy side will come back. I think sometimes it is gone, but I know it isn't. Every single chance I have to be very crazy I always hold back. I always say, "This time, you have to be responsible. You can't afford to take such chances." But in the end, I always want to take them. In the end, I always wonder when my degree will be done and I can afford to take some more chances with my life. Who knows what I will really do after school is over. Right now, the plan is Peace Corps. I think that could be a pretty crazy time, and also make my life not seem so ordinary anymore. And I'll be doing something I've been wanting to do since I was in high school.

But who knows these things. I do need to take some chances soon though. I'm getting soft with my crazier side. Maybe this summer I'll totally do something crazy. I must remember I'm not going to have any money my senior year. And that is still number one on my list. - finishing school.

boring days

I'm stuck in Taylorville.

I really don't know anyone here anymore so it as if I'm stuck in solitude. I have no idea why I ever come back here. I guess I was forced this time, but I'd rather be working the worst job than return here. I think sometimes if I am not careful with my life, I might get stuck here.

It is very depressing. I wonder where all my friends are ...

I miss the mountains even more when I am sedentary.

The start of a plan.

Well... I did very well this semester. No complaints.

But next semester, I have to try harder. I have so much to finish before I graduate next May. I still need to work on my French, build up my readings in economics, better understand what it is I'm going to do with my life, take the LSAT, volunteer at least 10 hours a month and develop the climbing club so it survives in the apathy that is sometimes SIU.

I have my place for next semester. It looks pretty good, and I'm pretty stoked about all the potential good times. My new roommate seems to a be a real upfront, honest guy who has some stuff figured out. So I don't think I"ll have any problems with him. His hopes are to climb every chance he gets. So I guess waking up and climbing next semester is going to be a good plan. I'll have 18 credits, and I hope to volunteer a whole lot more so I don't know how much climbing, but at least a day a week (at the very least.)

As for now, I'm stuck in the middle of this very flat state. I'm waiting for something fun to unwind. I have my doubts though. haha. I wake up in the morning about 5 a.m. and do a pretty intensive workout, go home take a shower and then off to the library to work on me smarts skills. And after I'm done with everything, another workout to cap off the night. I'm afraid being back in this desolate place will make me lazy, unwilling to work for what I want. So I have made it my time to study for the LSAT and read five or six books I've been meaning to read. I am hoping it will help me pass the time.

Someone told me before about an ancient greek saying, "As long as I breathe, I hope." I guess it could be true for me as well. Sometimes I am put into bleak situations, but if I think of all the times I've escaped, the chances I've taken soon after and all the great times I've had as a result. Then hope delivers me. It thwarts that ominous dark cloud of doubt and gives me wings so the fire inside swells and roars. One day it will get better, and my life will be more fullfilling. However for now, I must have hope. It is all I have sometimes.

semester week

Semesters are upon me!

I have one B, and the rest A's. One tinkers on the edge though and only comes down to finals.

Stressed and partially sick, but the semester is done. Next semester I'll have my own place again. Thankfully, I might have a new computer as well.

We shall see.

"As long as I breathe, I hope."

unsettled unconscious

I was standing on a street corner feeling tense. Perspiration dripping down my face, my feet edged on the curb beside the road as my heart beat out of control.

Hearing a sound like a blast, I set off. My legs burned. I had been running so long, but I was still so far away from knowing. So, I ran on. Like a thirsty soul coming from the Sahara to find a crystal blue oasis, my head carried me further than my body could go. And I flung myself into the the sand of despair, knowing how close it was that I had to go. For I saw that sweet water and knew very well I could never touch it.

These dreams follow me into sweet nights. They follow me and burden my existence. I wish they would stop. Even more, I wish they weren't telling me something in my unconscious is troubled. What was I running after in the dream? - Answers to questions.

The night now is fast, swift to the point of bringing about utter darkness. The days are cold, and hope tastes stale. Being where I am, originality seems distant, and I am no old, veteran traveler. I am no closer to my dreams.

Frightening how much everything stays the same. The same streets. The same bars. The same people. The same conversations.

The same. No change. Idle feelings, emotions.

Cold. - The very word sends shivers down my spine. When I am cold, I am mechanical. No Id prevails, no superego dominates. It is all Ego. Mediocrity reigns.

At this pace, I shall never be happy. Maybe that is why my dreams worry me the most. I don't even know what I want. I just know I don't want to be here, stuck.

I need to dive into something and just forget. Only a short time to go, I can hold out.