Lost Poems

So here I sit packing for this huge, scary world I've heard so much about and I find some poems from freshman year in Colorado ...

outcome
tender heart, do not cry
when sun dims
when clouds throw tears,
a child cries from want,
the passion is lost,
love loses trust,

because,
the sun will rise again,
the Earth will heal with cloud's tears,
a child will bring peace,
passion is never lost inside your soul,
love losing trust doth not yield love.

Twitching

curiousity becomes my soul,
depression my very existence,
a sun rises - outcasting pain,
clouds hasten overhead
delivering contemplative thoughts,
grandeur sits, awaits
lowly existence prevails, exists
my moment is yet to come
have patience

Math 127
Iridescent light shined from tip to top,
meager, weak sounds overcame all
greatness subsided, beauty slipped,
walls condensed further in
stripping myself of integrity, purity
of the inert nature of freedom
and the wild streak resigned
under the conformity of a cubicle world


Unnamed
The cold pierced through my heart,
pain drawn up inside, condensed,
wretched truth be known,
I should do unto you the same,
I should let you feel the pain,
Yet,
I never would,
Since I never could.

How much my life has changed since freshman year ...

the end of college?

Beyond some early-morning editing, my undergrad is done.

Tonight, I shall buy a 40 and celebrate with many friends. Sadly though, I just won't feel like it is done until tomorrow.

One week.

On these warm, summer nights, my heart fills with a void. And that void strongly resonates until I know I may not sleep without some far reaching hope consuming my dreams. And it is on these nights that my ambition to live every single second with heartfelt greatness is checked with fear.


'Hope will conquer all,' I think to myself.

I will never give up. I will find great love. I will find great adventure in life. I will find my true path, or it will find me. In one week, I will have my degree.

In one week, I will finally allow myself to be free from all the burden I've placed on my life. It will be my turn to decide where my life will go.

Yargghhh!

Horses, eh?

I am going to work with horses, and not just sea horses either! - The huge, muscular, snorting, sometimes crazy, but very very exciting mammals.

I think it will be fun. It will give me some time to figure out what I'm really going to do.

Will I keep moving further out West, settling in that lush, temperate rain forest some call the Pacific Northwest? Or will I settle in Denver, training like a madman and doing the occasional Iron Man? Or, will I work on my parlais francais tout l'ete et move onto Africa with the Peace Corps. Or like a madman will I take a professor's advice and go to graduate school to get my M.B.A. or advanced Econ degree? (madman, indeed) Then there is always the occasional move to Europe on a work visa, pick up whatever languages needed along the way, totally reinventing my life like a man on the run.

I have my degree! I have no reason to stay! If my life were golf, I'd be at par. I think I can do a little better!



after this, I'd rather be a bit of an intellectual for a while. 'twould be nice.

the end.

Soon I will be in another state of mind. I will leave my friends, family and worries to get three papers done, get a peace corps application done and finish an application for this summer. Three papers stand in between a degree and me. I hate to be single minded but everything rides on this. I am afraid of what comes after, but I must finish this degree. I must move on.


I went out in the sun today and wrote in my newly bought journal. The warm sun on my skin felt comforting. I thought a lot and got so many of my feelings out on paper. My last journal never felt like it was mine. Bought by someone else, it did not ever feel as if it was me. Yeah, weird huh? But this new journal feels like me. - I can express myself again.


Here I sit. Ready to study. Ready to commit to that single purpose, to turn off my phone and to head into the digital world of online journals and books I've recently read on the subjects, only talking to sources I need for my paper.


Once I get done, I will think of other things.

The Virginia Incident is so depressing. So many had to die because a young, confused individual found no hope. He continuously dove back into destructive habits and lost sight of the true greatness of life.



I hate how people have to die. I hate it more that it happens every day. I wish I was around in that atmosphere. I wish I would have known Cho. I wish I could have befriended him and just told him to relax. I wish I could have gotten him a date with a random, weird girl. Life can be a pretty tragic thing, especially when you feel isolated from everyone.



I wish I could have given him some hope.



157 people died in Baghdad today.




I imagine many there have lost hope. I have no clue what they are going through. I could not even imagine such a destructive atmosphere. I would gladly give my life to end their suffering. My life will be devoted towards spreading hope.


I know exactly what it means to be saddened because I can only give one life to a cause. If I had a thousand lives, I would die a thousand horrible deaths if it meant some would not have to suffer.



I have a job interview on Friday. I pray I can start fighting the good fight with my entire soul. My degree is soon done. My life will be extreme. This is a war.



This is a war for hope.

Forgive me, world. I will not bend.



Something better does exist. Something fantastic! Something wonderful! I will tell everyone to wonder about life. No path is a dead end. Every path is another way to live a full, meaningful life.


If I were a bum, I would smile at the chance to know what is like not to have. It would make me appreciate everything.


If I were a millionaire, I'd be happy to have the ability to help others with my income. I'd also see the world and invest in a lifelong education.


If no love every lasts, I will be lucky to have loved and not backed down. It was well worth it.


The naysayers are bunk!

30 degree run.

I went on a run this morning. I could feel my hands after the first two miles.

In the second two miles, I had an epiphany.

Fear has nothing to do with any of this. Why should I fear something that feels so true?

To distrust this, I first must distrust myself.

It is not a step for which I am not ready.

I love her.

poem

Mystery …

Maybe I will enjoy the journey beyond,

To give my life a dark path

And travel with heart and spirit

Translucence fading not

Into a world, ever-changing

Not mellow nor imbalanced

Spiritually delivering

Mentally fatiguing

This is what I wish for my life.

The day I knelt down, willfully gave my hand

My heart leaped out knees buckling

under a liberated, fiery soul

Inner dreams splashed rich colors

Against a twirling, whirling mind

a deep breath kept me going.

A bold move into the night.

It is a scary thing to go from absolute uncertainty where every single part of my existence is wondering where my life might go ...



to discovering myself more and more confident, stumbling upon a story for the ages, creating vast lines of poetry without delusion, loving myself more and more and stepping precariously




on the skirts of a cliff line where no imaginable bottom may be.





With a solid heart, I surge forward not accepting the limitations society places on me. I will never succumb. I will forever hold my head high.



And even if I should take that fall, which I am sure is a possibility, I will forever live in weightlessness as I plunge deeper into my own abyss.

afraid to breathe

The nerves twitch in my shoulders as I await my fate. I really believe I'm not doing enough. I have to believe in myself. Yet I cannot help feeling a sense of discomfort and anxiousness.

I sit here now as my resume reaches its third set of eyes. I am 1-for-2. What will the verdict be? Will I be turned down cheerfully?

I always think back to my high school days. I squandered my talent early on and believed it would not matter which undergraduate school I attended. However, my biggest fears were, and still are, not feeling challenged enough. I believe this boredom led my heart down a very unhealthy path. My inactive mind lost, and still loses, ability.

It needs some kind of challenge.

I do not fear a midlife crisis. Every other day is a new way to criticize myself. Every new day is time for a new crisis and change in my life. I just want to live a healthy productive life. I wish for it every day. Boredom is my enemy.

my eyelids grow heavy.

for me, there is still so much to do with today. yet the day is done.

i heard somewhere the weather will be nice tomorrow. maybe fate will also smile on me.


I sometimes wonder why my cat stays so close to me while I am around. I wonder if he enjoys my company or maybe feels safer around me. I remember carrying him outside while he was still a kitten. It was night, and the UPS trucks was just leaving. He scrambled to run, but as I held him, he struggled tightly against my shoulder. It felt good to play the role of protector.


So as i sit here with heavy eyelids, I begin to imagine tomorrow. I imagine the depressing news that seems inevitable. I imagine my advisor's excuses while she tells the reasons for not calling me. And then I think of how much I have been through till this point. I wonder how much more I will endure before I leave this school. I wonder if fate will ever let me return home. I wonder if I shall ever again be in the West without returning here to stay, permanently imprisoned.


If I have a hope, I shall be fine.

it is only when that hope fades
when the nights come and as my eyelids grow heavy
i sit trying to convince myself someone knows
the pulsating rhythm of my soul
some predestined force presides
and if faith has carried me
thus it will
until a warm summer springs
and i find myself gone.

Sleepless.

I would love to talk about the sad realities of life in this post, but I fear all we ever have is hope for the future.




I think it would be a great thing to feel hope right now.

Valentine's Day

Oh what a day it is!



I woke up this morning happy to be alive, and now I wonder if this is all to simple? In time, I may come to be more stable and move back into the passionate lifestyle I once knew, but for now I have grown cynical and believe I am only leaving my current world behind.


I want to minimize damage.

the complex

a moment gone, lost.


a gaze unquestioned.


again alone.


again no one's burden.

A most unappealing prospect.

A small town, narrowly tucked away in the midst of small town America ... for I wish I could see Taylorville as such. Instead I see a place of memories, some good, some bad, but above all else I see a past I shall never be connected with again. I see childhood memories shattered as I look into faces I once saw as friendly now marred by the world around them. People are too bitter and wield bitter emotions unto everything around them.



I do not feel this path. Instead, I shy away from it. I shall travel the ends of the earth to escape it. When the putrid tongue of a once ravishing soul touches mine, I shall say, "I knew you to be kind and lighthearted. Now your intentions are but silly and primitive."


I know not everyone in Taylorville is like this. But past events have marred my image of people here. I have family who are very kind and lighthearted, who go out at great lengths to help others and show incredible insight into the world. I also have friends who have shared more than a great deal of my life so far, in both humor and pain. I have memories here I might not have had anywhere else.


But this is no place for me. If I have it my way, I will return once more this summer to say adieu. Then make this place just what it should be - a distant memory.

Stats prep

'Twas a warm day in December when I first huddled down in some distant basement to review statistics. I felt overwhelmed at first. However, I sit here now a little more confident about tomorrow's exam.

Yet I must wonder,
"Will I ever get this beautiful day back?"

a river.

Sitting on a bridge, I watch the water slowly flow underneath me, and I think, 'Maybe this is my life flowing outward into the world? It slowly carves a small piece.'




If this river is polluted, it will flow outward and poison the world. It will kill life and spread only misery.



If it is pure, it will give tranquility and hope to all life.



So many choices in life to be sad and ungrateful ... so many possibilities to make a living at other people's expense ... so many opportunities to bury a head in the sand and hope everything gets better ...



Yet this is not my life, and I am no less of a man for it. Nor am I burdened. I am grateful for finding myself with a true heart and mind, a solid purpose and a resolution to never abandon humanity.



I should never forget this: I trust in myself.

disconnected

I stare at the paper. I read it again. I feel numb and sad.

Life is short. I cannot just count the days until I am gone. I might not leave. This I must remember.

A bewildering reality nudges my shoulder. I am not working hard enough. I am guaranteed nothing.

One day you might speak of possibilities of the future with a person. One day you might share a path with someone. Then one day you might wake up to read an obituary.


We are only given a short time on this earth. It seems every day I wake up is a miracle.

upon writing a short story

As I catch myself writing for the first time in a long time tonight, I think maybe everything does happen for a reason.

With my selfish ways....

In my selfish ways, I cut ties with those beautiful souls around me. In my own selfish way, I tend to forget the emotions of those who are not myself.

In my own selfish way, I tend to break the heart of the girl closest to me.

In my own selfish way, I am scared.

Twists and turns in this life have left me heaving at the side of my path, trying to gather some sense of direction. Shut down and disoriented, I have gained my composure and pressed on. I tend to need something out of this life. I need to get some foundation underneath me. I need to invest myself in my greater personal qualities.

So I am selfish and grow further and further away from the man I really am.

Will the cool mountain air refresh my soul or will I be so far gone that I will lose the part of myself I am trying to protect?

the rush

Will I ever feel the break?! Will I ever feel as if my crashing wave has come to a standstill?!



"Carve me from stone, right from the bone." - Trapt.



I want a pressure and a thrill in life, but I want to know I can handle it. I want a sense of self that I have only felt when challenged. I want a sense of exactness in my fortitude. I want to know the world isn't such a wicked place.



I feel it deep down. I sense it.



Right now, I am hardened. I am fortified against failure. It is a fortification far from success. I need to not hold back this year. I need to let it all go and see where the chips fall. The pressure is great. The sense of immediate failure is even more constant.



So now I finally go for it. I go out on a limb. I head up to the next placement in the rock face. I take the lead in my own life. I know if I doubt myself, I will fall. The consequences will be horrible. I will be scarred. However if I keep faith in myself... If I think about my moves, my technique, my personal strength and how I have it deep down within myself, I will succeed.



My failures are now my successes. My fears are now my fire. The chances I've taken in the past are now my knowledge of the cruelties and blessings in the world.

My birthday

Only a few days ago I was cold. Only a few days ago, I was 22 years old.

A couple days ago, I was sitting on the edge of working for a woman with whom I had a vested interest. A couple days ago, the weather was putrid.


Suddenly everything changes.

My heart is on fire. My soul, at peace.

My hopes have become wildfires of passion. My heart beats with charismatic triumph as I sit upon the edge of freedom. I run through clouds for miles instead of treading on the ground. My head does not throb at the thought of complex thoughts, but instead welcomes them.

The fire buried deep inside has spread throughout my core. It is no longer within my depths, but travels through every capillary. I breathe and can feel my pulse. I close my eyes and see my heart's throb.

This intensity comes with 23 years. It comes from waiting for a life ready to unfold. A life that already has.

It comes with a realization:

The most beautiful time of anyone's life
is
the present.

It's the only time we have.

Naseous

It's 5:43.


A stillness fills the room. A slight, familiar whistling comes from somewhere in my apartment.


I want to go to sleep. I will be climbing soon. I must go to sleep. Yet this insomnia follows me.


Mumblings awoke me. Stillness follows me.

And all I can really perceive is this weird sense of Deja Vu.

cold

On the night before school, I have become cold.

I can't feel anything.

I am focused, not fearful, not loving, not caring, not sad, not angry ...

Just focused.

no answer coming soon

It's late.

I'm tired.

All is well.

A dumb little question sits on my brain since this morning.

I don't think I'll answer it anytime soon.

Communist Climbers?

Apprently Raul Castro is a climber.

Maybe communism isn't so bad ... I mean we have corruption and people starving on the streets... But our (American) people are free to do as they wish.

We need new leadership. Such thoughts are dangerous because I don't believe in communism, but a fascist democracy such as the one that is being created by Bush and his total disregard for American law is just insane.

Is Bush a climber?

late night thoughts.

Violent. Throbbing. Painful. Emotions grip HOLD.

Once I was young, and once upon a time the world held chances at every corner. It wasn't so evil. It wasn't so damn unfair. It wasn't filled with the starving masses, the fat Americans, global warming, social strife, insane wars and loves that dissipate in a heartbeat.

Naive. Ignorant. Was I.

Now my life holds a purpose, but still I love to reflect when the most important thing was finding her. I love to reflect on how many girls I'd meet, and how many times I wished to meet that one girl. I would sit in my high school classes dreaming of rock climbing and her. I would read and study, but all my hopes were in those two. How naive I was.

Naive. Independent. Crashing. Breathing Waves.

My life is not spoken for. It is not written. No person shall write my future before I set the cards, my cards, in motion. I do fear nearly all true romantic qualities have faded from my existence, but I have found at every instance a true, pure purpose. If I do not find her, I will accept it. If I have already lost her, I will accept it. If my life opens back up, if it transcends the humdrum, if the renaissance comes with the passing of my goals, my soul will be recaptured.

A night inside.

And now my life begins to fall into place. At every step I become stronger. At every single instance of failure I succeed in my own struggle. The last 30 days were mentally fatiguing. They were miserable, and they were some of the best 30 days I've spent, some of the most meaningful.

I come back now to a reality, a reality where the ball has been dropped and sent rolling. It is a reality of choice and circumstance. It is also a reality of opportunity in my own personal legend. I am the happiest I've been in a long time and the most secure I've ever been with myself.

I have goals. I have experiences. I have opportunity, and now I again have a heart. A heart that bleeds, thrives, pulsates uncontrollably and leaps at the scent of pure happiness. It is funny to think I found it in the wild while working with troubled youth, but I did. I guess I found my heart in Michigan. Of all places, Michigan ... Who would have thought?

So now I'm tired, but I write just for the fun of it before sleep. I will surely write a better written thought at a better hour.

Before the wild

A girl once asked me if I still felt alone even though I had her. And I honestly said, no. I loved her with all of my heart. It is comforting to know I felt as if I was connected to someone even if it didn't last. 'Twas a nice feeling.

Sometimes, we just need to breathe and remember that each day has the same potential as the past. Attitude is the key. Passion is the key. Movement and intelligent thought is the key. I know I am guilty of thinking too highly of my past because some great, wonderful, stupendous events took place. However, I must remind myself of the future. I must keep pressing forward so I can look back at my life as a whole and think of what marvelous things I've accomplished.

I write this before heading into the wilderness with a group of 11 troubled adolescents. We will stay out for 30 days and in that period of time will accomplish, hopefully, some life-changing experiences. The mental exertion I face is a mystery as I know it will be to them. Yet I want to test my boundaries in this. I want to discover if my limits and boundaries have grown. I want to see how much I can handle. I hope this doesn't even test my limits.

Because then ...

My future is without boundaries.

Colorado

Driving into the canyon, the stratified rock towers above my head as the sound of turbulent water ricochets from below.

So many reasons to stay, so many reasons to at least give it all a chance.

I decided to go back to an old familiar place to see whether or not it could be a possibility. I need to accomplish things in my life, but those accomplishments out here would be ... beyond words.

I spoke to a few people. One woman said she had a horrible experience at the school, but others seemed more positive. I spoke to an advisor, and she seemed very positive about my applying to the school. I took it is an overall good sign. I may even know a professor who knows some faculty here.

I really want to accomplish something in life. I really want to feel driven. I think Illinois has played a huge role in my personal growth. I now think that more than ever. I have been shown how to focus my emotions, focus my talents and not succumb to temptations which may divert my path.

But here, I have my emotions back. I feel a sense of liveliness and adventure. My heart is in the right place and is comforted by some of the people. I feel at home.

I will stay, someday. I now know what must be done in the meantime, and Colorado has fortified my intensity. I will accomplish great things even if it takes a better part of my life.

I will fuel the fire inside.

Mountains

I laid down my head in the soft green grass and shifted my eyes from puffy white clouds to mighty green mountains. I knew I was home.

I told Erinn that I never really remember what the mountains mean to me until I am back. I have no idea how much I repress until I am here. I just know when I am here, I finally feel a sense of calm coming into my life. I can breathe.

I also get a sense of humor from my family out here. They are always so lighthearted and joyous, especially in the face of something sad. I have found great strength in such optimism.

That was the only first day. I had two hours worth of sleep at a rest stop two miles from the Colorado border. I had nearly hit a couple deer when I decided dying before getting to Colorado just wasn't in the big picture. So I pulled into a rest stop and snoozed until I couldn't stand the excitement anymore.

Today is a new day. It will give me time to think. I have to think of how I will fully accept Southern Illinois for another year. I am looking for an omen, a refreshing way of thought or a little bit of inspiration.

I believe I will find all.

Lost realist

Follow your path and doorways will open. Good fortune shall follow because your personal legend shall be existing. I first heard those words from Paulo Coelho.


These words make me smile. They help me to stay an optimist.

The sun still shines. The wind still blows.

You don't win. I won't let life make me bitter.


I'll still find a reason to smile today. I'll still find a better way. I'll still find a little adventure.



I'll still help those friends who have stayed true.


I have faith in life. I'm sorry for whatever happened. I'm sorry you couldn't even say.

Tragedy

As I came home today ...


Shock ...


Sadness ...


Anger...


Consumed me.

So here I sit confused, feeling hurt and abandoned by one of my best friends. My concept of friendship and reality may be skewed.

Every signal is that he got mad and left. He didn't give me an explanation. Soon I will be gone. I am deathly afraid I shall leave with not one friend left.

Everyone goes his/her own direction. All friends are scattered by the wind. I just never thought I would lose this one. I hope this is a nightmare of my imagination because if it is real ...

While watching Romeo & Juliet

"Be patient for the world is broad and wide."

Today was a boring day. I have CPR and first aid training this week. I'm also doing a high ropes course for Spectrum Wednesday or Thursday.


What I wouldn't give just for a little sense of adventure.

Dedication

My mind is an arsenal. A book is like ammo; an education, a gun.


Some selfish people hold the world ransom for their own interests. So it's up to some to make it a better place using the weapons they have.


I think that is the true way to change things.


It's the reason I read, the reason I study, the reason I'm ready to dedicate a better part of my life to acquiring an arsenal.

The sound of wheat blowing in the summer wind

Could you commiserate with those sad souls lost in the continent Africa?


Could you just for a second forget your splendid life to think of those souls lost in a continent where very few care. A place where people starve while others gorge themselves at the expense of the masses?


Who is more important?!


I say to you, society, START CARING! START GIVING A FUCK!



Tonight I went out with a friend. Tonight I went out and thought of only the people exploited at the hands of the comfortable. I thought of the suffering in my own life. The constant setbacks mending the synapses of my mind.


Are they people?! Of course they are! If you read this, and you think you cannot help then you are seriously mistaken.


If everyone did just a little !!! if everyone cared !!!! just a little!!! then maybe something would happen!



I care. Please care! Please help me find someone who cares!

The Blue Channel

Smile.


It takes a great soul to smile at the touch of the simple pleasures of life.




When I run, my breathing becomes rhythmic, steady, deliberate. My legs move without any thought, and my mind floats away at a thousand miles an hour.




I wish ... just for one second ...



I could run a little while without distraction. - I could live a little without thinking of the mountains.

It just feels so right.

Sick and sad, I sat here today.


I just kept thinking of every place I could be. I went on and on, but then I started to really think about what was bothering me.



I have no idea what in the hell I'm really going to do after graduation. I mean I want to do Peace Corps, but I want some sort of graduate school as well. And that ... well that has really bothered the hell out of me.


I haven't thought about any school in particular. However, I do believe in Omens. And a really big one just hit me.


I know exactly where I would like to go now ... and it is like shooting for the moon, but if I don't get it at least I'll be in the company of stars.

Holding my breath

While tears roll down my cheeks, my mind opens to all it has been ignoring. I have been given time to think, and here, thinking is bad. Here, it tends to make me more depressed as I feel out of place, abandoned and trapped in this town. So I build up a coldness, and I wait to breathe.



Then something happens and all is released.



Unleashed, the coldness gone and now I know how much soul I really do have. I know it burns, and I know any ferocity I have given in the past year hasn't been much.



So like a turtle, I have closed up my shell and kept in so much. And then it hits me, I can't go to Colorado at all this year. I probably cannot go anywhere.



And in the moment, the shell breaks, and I remind myself again and again where I am, and whom I am surrounded by.



The people drink to get drunk, and then stupid. And here stupidity rules. They never study and will know nothing more than when they came in.



I am trapped in this place, a place with two oases ... Friends and Climbing.



It doesn't matter anymore, because I just want to leave. I don't want to be here. And I know how this is a rant, but I really don't want to stay, locked up and confined in one place. I really don't want to see the same cliffs again and again. I don't want to see the stupid excuses for girls. I don't want to see the girls I avoided in high school with no other alternative.


I need a beautiful mind. I need beautiful mountains. I need fresh, clean air with no humidity. I want cool nights and hot days. I just want some more beauty in my life.



And here I am, stuck. So many things bother me about this place. Just one more year for a degree.



It can't come soon enough.

Bored....

Boredom must be the most evil thing in the universe.


I need to meet some new people. I need a road trip! I want to have an adventure!


The midwest is boring. Someone please save me.

Free from the box

Gram,,mar ...

Who needs grammar?



Not I.

Five days in the wilderness.

In a certain second, a synapse fired in my mind, and a single tear plummeted from my cheek.

Laying there, looking at the stars, I could think of nothing else, but a short adventure, a true romance and a girl who needed me, truly needed me as much as I needed her. A romantic adventure! A pure experience with true people. Something scary! Dangerous! Risky!

I thought of nothing else in that second. The bottoms of trees shone green from a large fire. Everyone's voice faded. The wind grew stronger, trying to stir me from rest. The trees' leaves rustled just quiet enough to arouse every single hopeful fiber.

Five days in the wilderness was not much. We backpacked mostly along the River to River Trail. Great meals, good conversations and testing simulations of what these "at risk" teens would be like.

I hope I am ready for July. If I come out in one piece, it shall be a true experience.

As always though, I just wish for a little bit of intrigue in my busy life.

Before the summer begins...

I am close to no one.

I have great friends, but am drifting further and further towards total independence.

It is an independence, a coldness, a distance that I fear.

End of finals

Now I am done, and the better feelings of a better world rejoice as my true self returns. I know this summer will test every little fiber in me. I desperately want to go to Colorado and have been given the chance and a rather large sum of money to quit Touch of Nature and go walkabout for the summer.

However my resume consumes me. Bettering myself consumes me.

Enlightenment is a must.

My romantic spirit swims to the surface waters of my soul. It badly needs to break through. I would rather it consume me like old times. I'd rather feel lost in the midst of a great passion.

I asked my mom for a passport for my birthday. She never understands what this is that consumes me in a desperate pursuit to make my life beautiful, standing out against the mundane the way a Matisse would stand out against a Rockwell, faint and beautiful, never ordinary.

The wet cool summer air hit me yesterday while working outside, and I was swept up with nostalgic notions of high school. I never would have seen myself here, ever. I can't tell if that makes me happy or not though. I pictured myself somewhere North in the midst of intellectuals and enlightening dialect.

So here I am ... sick from finals desperation, nostalgic, filled with lost passion and tired as my muscles fill with those hardwork acids.

Save the world, lose the girl.

If you're going to play a part in my life then PLEASE!!!! make it interesting.



I want a passionate life.

The summer begins

Some times more than others, I miss:

golden canyons, crimson when near, with a well-spoken stream below
a liberal class of society so outspoken even I seem to blend
a place where green grass only grows in valley floors
a pre-sunset shadow falling before a granite wall

a unique, clear feeling


I miss Colorado.

A smile after a run

As if my run within this mysterious rainy night was not enough to calm my spirit and make me believe in the inner beauty of life, I helped a young lady during my walk to cool down.

She was sitting on the street corner crying. Two drunk people were unsuccessfully trying to console her. My kryptonite is a girl crying. I asked her if she would like to walk with me during my cool down. I then asked if she was crying because she lost her shoes. (She was barefoot.) I tricked her into smiling. Laughter is the most intelligent, most sincere part of our soul. And when we release it, we give our heart strength to fly even in the most trying of times.

The person she was crying about soon came to talk to her. I hope she found some happiness tonight. I also hope one relationship does not taint her life.

It felt good to help someone in need. Even replacing one tear with a smile is good enough for me.

"Deus Caritas Est"

God is love.

I've never made it perfectly clear how I feel about Yahweh. Let me try to explain ...

The perfect white light, the feeling of cool rain on warm skin, the warm breeze, the tingling sensation felt when something truly affects my conscious, the warmth of love, the purity of charity, the greatness of the human spirit in the face of adversity ...

This would only describe the very surface, the most outer layer of the way I feel of Yahweh. When in danger, when in love, when there is any question of passion, I always turn towards an inner light. I find truth in this presence. I find my higher quality and my higher meaning. I find Yahweh in people's hearts, minds and souls. I find the hidden and mysterious name, the name of the substance, the proper name within the truth.

Imagine staring at a dim yellow light your whole life. All of society talks about how great this light is. Deep down in your heart, you know how this light is dim, but to go against the grain would be hard. Like turning yourself into water and throwing yourself onto the roaring fire of society, you would only sizzle and then dissipate into a cloud of mist. Your very essence would be consumed in the flames. So you keep going with society because it is the rational thing to do.


However someday a person will open the door to your little room and let in the world. The sun's magnificent, radiant, white light will pour through the room. It will cause your pupils to constrict. It will shower your very skin with warmth. Instantly, you will have seen the truth. Instantly, the dim yellow light can be no more. The truth has come out. It has shown you the right way, the true way to happiness. Maybe you will be able to lie to yourself, but only in the torment of your own mind. Who could possible turn away from the sun for a dim yellow light? Your body craves it. Your soul craves it. Being held away would be torture, and no great reward from society could equal the warmth and glow of those rays.

Only in the sunlight will we ever see the truth.

Colour

Colour brightens as the clouds darken overhead. I gain a vivid picture of life as the contrast becomes greater.

As I sit here now, basking in the natural silhouettes filtering through the room, I think next week will come and go as my life will surely come and go. Friends will come and go.

Life abounds with lessons.

When I was still very young, the darkness used to scare me. It was unfamiliar, vague. It had all the possibilities of ending me. I thought of strangers, wild animals, my weaknesses and even familiar strangers who scared me. Then came immersion ... I spent more and more time outdoors, in the streetlights, then in the moonlight, then with friends on dark nights roaming where I shouldn't. Each time, I returned safely. Each time I grew stronger. And just like that, the night became a part of me.

Overcoming a part of myself, I soon realized I had no idea of my possibilties. I still believe no one does until tested, a trial by fire.

Dreams

My view of reality flickers, and I realize I am still asleep. And as images flicker, the contrast between a sprint and a casual jog becomes apparent. This is the real world that I must soon return to.

In retaliation, my eyes close. My mind labors to stay sunken like a deepwater squid spotted by a marine biologist with a scalpel instead of a sense of humor. The labor of the mind intensifies as pictures come back of words and pages, intense images and experiences I have yet to encounter.

Then I am awake, and I think how can I make today fit closer to my dreams?

Da Funk

After reaching the snooze button for the fourth-consecutive time, I decided to roll out of bed and into my shirt-covered floor.

Soon the computer was playing Pulley.

Insect's Destroy

I'm looking for a friend today
Another victim just like me
A lunatic a loser a freak
Another casualty from a fucked up society
I gave my all to the system
Half my life still in question
All about the money and power
All the greed they've devoured
You never gave any credibility for a vision given to the enemy
And on the faces of humanity
A stone's eye throw for a man
On a pedestal
You sold your soul to the man
Another deal a deal gone bad
Another seed that never gets planted
Corporate insects destroy our planet
Never going to let another day die
My friend you and I
Feel the heat from the fire outside
Burning hot still alive
I keep it bottled inside me
You keep it bottled inside you
See the sun drop colours of red
Broken bones for a mouth well fed
Bring back a real train of thought
Another tool for the melting pot

Turned the shower completely cold and tried to feel alive.

An uncomfortable funk grips me.

Amoeba Brains

I use my right hand to assist in the jump towards the three-finger hold.
This route scares me no more.

I have my three fingers of my left hand smashed into this hold while my body dangles. My muscles contract, my body follows upward. Now I have a foot on the rock. I can steady myself, go up for a tiny flake in the rock with my left hand. I make the clip and move upward.

At the second clip something happens. My hand is slimy. I can't hold on to make the next clip. As I look downward, I know my ankle will not like the consequence of a fall this high up. But the move is still awkward, and my right hand will not leave the rock. As sweat leaks from my already soggy hand, I begin to accept I could fall. The people below me have started to wonder why I haven't made the clip. I keep my composure because what other choice is there, but they start to panic and yell out "foot" every five seconds. After some time, I give up hope of holding on with my right arm and use my forearm for stability while I reach down with my left to pick up a quickdraw from my harness. As the clip falls in, I know they didn't see it coming. I know they saw my fall. But I shrug it off and take a break. My energy is zapped, but this route will not have me today.

I finished the route without incident. I felt very tired and drained, but I finished.
I ended with a long easy route with a bit of a runout to calm my mind.

I decided that day to run a half marathon by the end of the summer. My training will start today. I need endurance. Both mental and physical.

As I grow stronger, I tend to develop a sense of comfort. I need to switch everything up and get to the next level. I will begin taking many falls (these not quite so dangerous) as I move up to harder and harder routes.

I know my weaknesses. I understand my weaknesses. Now I must break them before I finish school. There is no room for weakness in life, at least not with what I want to accomplish.

A look into the adventure of life.

It is an instant purpose, the greatest of all feelings.

I once walked upon a bridge filled with a fog and a coolness. A river lit up brightly from the body of foggy light transcending upon it. My heart overflowed with passion. The brightness. The atmosphere. The adventure. The risk. Others had their ordinary lives, but for a moment I broke free.

I first came to Carbondale, and it was new, exciting. I saw her face and my life lit up. Nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I couldn't do.

I found myself driving to St. Louis. The possibilties were limitless. I followed my handwritten directions to the girl whom I had first met at the start of a sunrise.

Walked into the St. Francis Xavier at St. Lous University, held her hand and kneeled. I wished God to help her. I wished such a beautiful existance for her. I did not however wish to keep her for that time I knew it was over before it started. Yet such a beautiful day.

She called. It was over, she said. I said I was happy she made a decision. Happy she wasn't confused. She then said we had to talk about it in person. Walking through the door, I made some food and we began to talk. I told her never to settle, always to find her path and always, always go wherever her heart would take her. We kissed one last time with few tears, knowing we were both on a good, solid path.

Knowing her, we walked through the tall grass finding various examples of flora. She knew them all by name and would go on at length. I'd grab her hand, and she'd stop lost in thought. Stopping by a little brook, I held her as if I'd never let go. That day ended walking along with the statues and beautiful architecture thinking that if we were as beautiful it might last.

She called. I asked the questions this time. Two hours later, she called back. She had to talk to me again. She said it was hard to find someone who could talk about the world. I suggested we meet, talk over coffee. My roommate said I was a fool. I said I knew adventure. Then as I reached her dorm and rang the bell. I thought I had been mistaken by the glimpse of beauty I saw coming down the stairs. We walked in the snow that night, stopping under a light to have our first kiss. Then whispering in a park of how we had waited so long to meet each other, so long to find it all.

Everything ends. But one day, everything will stay.

Life

Be exciting! Live for just once in your life! Be happy and celebrate! Find a reason to be proud!

I tried to explain lastnight why life was so much better sober, and it seemed as if this guy finally got the picture. I say fuck a life that needs drugs to be interesting. I say to hell with that boring of an existance. It is the easy way out. It is the television of intellectualism. Sure anyone can say something stupid thinking it is intelligent while they are stoned, but I see it differently.

If we only live once, why would we want to dull any moment of this life? Sure, relax once in a while but if you go through your life just getting drunk and stoned as a source of fun, well ... what a useless existance.

Your soul is wasted.

WHY?!?

Run

Every chance is a path.

Freedom is the succession of powerful, propelling thrusting feet, a body swiftly floating over the ground.

It is my heart pounding, lungs expanding, mind focusing. It is the strength and joy I receive.

How many more paths could I choose before I must choose one? How many more paths must I see before I can be sure I have chosen the right one? Only through being strong may I choose the right path. Only through being able to run them all may I find one suitable. Only by being optimistic and righteous may I remember the right ideals to carry me down the right path.

Every chance is a path.

 

Red Rocks, Nevada

 

Before a late walk

Dramatic passions make life visible, real. Mystery makes it worth living. The new, everchanging perplexities of life direct a temperament.

a song in the background reminds me of so many dramatic passions.
love seems so distant, less visible, no more the vision, the passion, the dream. now only the undoing, the journey off the path - unnerving, ending destruction of one's dreams.

The sleepless night carries me in l o n g thoughts. A harsh sound awakes a dreamy soul, and television waves now whisper through paper-thin walls. I no longer have hopes of finding that one girl in Carbondale. It seems as if I gained so much more than a girl here. She was never supposed to be here. Girls live on different substance here. Something less than what I need.

I must admit, however, the countryside ...

'tis beautiful.

Thawing

Cloudy and warm ...

Let the radiance come. Allow the courage of life to consume all.

When a heart burns, it sets fire to everything around. People with their jeers, downcast eyes, doubts act as water on a roaring fire. If the fire is deep, it smoulders. It buries itself and waits.

Explosive roar. Hunger. Ambition. The apathy lets go. The light shines. No dispirited water can quell.

The summer approaches. School will soon wait.

I feel young again.

Migraine

Inspired when I am the most active and bleeding when I sit indolent
head throbbing
little pill salvaging spirit
spilling soul
body overheating
awaiting delivery
please digest

Dusting the cover, reflecting the truth

The spiral cover, the holding on, the deliberation and successions ... seem confounded at a sense of better destiny. Yet true spirit holds. A granite soul balances sharp glances at the mind's own eye.


About yesterday ...

It is sometimes the trickiest of things to let go of life in order to truly live. But we must all take a willingful fall before life ever becomes without boundaries, interference, fear.

Yelling fury of one's own destruction

I fled home to escape back into the fire. I thought maybe this time I was stronger, so in the end I could make it, be stronger.

I could make it back home, never returning.

I will be stronger.

But at what price do I suffer this fate? I want to go home. I should have never come back to Illinois.

I do suffer.

Lackadaisical

The choices I make seem unmistakably bold and at the same time, deliberately yielding.

I glanced up to see a girl, whom I once knew, reading. She was very close to me, and now she is to be wed to another. How fast things change. It was only months ago. And look at me, here at this school, pondering out my future days. I want something to connect to, but I only see my life starting in the future.

I do what I can to stay sane: a book a week, constant studying, great friends and a positive enjoyment in the places around me.

But I still look up at the horizon and wait for my day to come.

The day I get to leave.

so much to do

The weather, warm.
The trees, green.

Give me time to breathe

I want to enjoy this.

Letting go of the reins.

Let it go.

SIU police sometimes lie or exaggerate, whichever you prefer. And sometimes that lands you and your buddies in a world of trouble. They say you were on the roof. You were never even on the stairs. You never saw anyone on the roof or even breach the roof, and you were watching. They say, they told you it would be given to Judicial Affairs. Then why did you not hear it? Why did everything come as such a shock?

Let it go.

I sit here missing the West, missing my phone and missing any sense of real freedom I may have once felt. I always feel shackled in Illinois. I am being punished for my shortcomings. For good behavior, I get good friends and good grades. It lessens the load. I also have climbing. However, soon the shackles might grip even harder as Judicial Affairs starts handing out the punishments. Somewhere deep down, I hope for a fine or maybe nothing if justice would prevail. While at other times, I hope the lies on the police report do not end in expulsion. Where would I go? How could I pay off all those bills without a good job? How would I get into the Peace Corps, law school, the rest of my life.

Let it go.

Because that is what I need to do. "Let it go." I need to have faith that this is my path, and I could never be happier with any other. Wherever life takes me, I shall embrace it. The dead ends will make me stronger. The pain will make me tougher. My failures shall only be covered when I mask them with success.

And to think before all of this, I was just worried about getting a decent girlfriend. haha.

Gut Instincts

Dear Friends,

I cannot recall the vast impropriety in which you have labeled me. I think some know me while others have no clue. But who cares! I know myself. But please do not judge me so quickly. The wall that I hide behind towers above most noble qualities found deep within my soul.

So who am I? Judge for yourself. Do it with an open mind. Do it with a free spirit. Please, open your heart for me and strive to see the same great spirit I see in all of you.

...


Red Rocks. Let me just say, "Wow." The beauty of the windy solitude, the crimson layers of hardened desert sandstone, the green cacti thriving in the harsh, unforgiving wasteland. T'was what Christ saw when he left society to feel closer to God.

I feel as if life is unyielding in giving me what I really need, what I truly want. However, I have hardened. My skin is thick like that of a Sequoia. No fire can burn me. No hope lost may extinguish my productivity. Hope is found within my heart. My need for love is gone. It is a dream, kept at times while at others ...


Lost.