Desperation

What burden! What drain! are the stresses of poverty. Three days until my birthday, and I watch as people once close drift further and further away. I am alienating myself and becoming a person none would like to befriend.

So here I am, in my office, three days before my birthday. My mind is flooded with problems. And yet I know everything else is slowly falling away. Is this the path of law? Is this how the rest of my life will go if I pursue this field? I am perplexed and unsatisfied.

Somehow I will watch it all crumble as a spectator. I will watch and think, what a beautiful life this is that has come to ruin.

I remember when I would take off my shoes and walk through a field only thinking of how I might create some prose to describe the moment and scene. I remember long horseback rides, and all the simplicities and dreams of life that burned within. I remember not being so caught up and so fixated and so bumbling. I remember the confidence of climbing, the confidence of the classroom. I remember the days when I felt I wouldn't have to beg forever.


This is my penalty for a life too examined, a life with not enough action.

Abandon city nights.

Life can be as beautiful as one makes it!
This is why I try to surround myself with an aesthetic beauty that will help characterize my soul. These mountains were the energy of my youth. But for now, I must find my strength in the words of Camus who in the midst of winter, found within his soul an eternal summer.

A rant on socio-economic America!

It is with menacing messages that most letters reach my inbox nowadays. Whether it comes from ex-lovers, educational loans, missing car payments and/or the occasional lost promise turned obligation, it is the same.

Yet, I must sort through all of this. This is not for me. It is something within which I am contained. It is a product of a system that pushes some people down. It forces the population to work and work and never really understand why ... Why? For more stuff and less time with family. As we watch our families grow distant, as we work harder for respected positions in our society we let those loved ones who take up too much time go? Why?

The working class knows something is wrong. I believe they can feel it. I hear about it a lot when I am here around my family, but they feel powerless. There are anchored systems founded by the social elite. When a woman - who has reached a high level of understanding of a problem- reaches the podium, a little message streaks across the screen telling exactly how much people should listen. If it says a certain institution or a certain title, people listen. If it says something else, well we turn off. She is not for making decisions we say ...

I would like to see a policy maker with no Ivy League background, but a solid background in a field and a solid understanding of the people. Maybe there are people out there, but it seems like so many problems are ignored at the cost of fame or glory of holding office. This is just turning so ridiculous. So many people have great ideas out there, and we give our representation to people who have difficulty understanding even the simplest of these changes. It is time for new leadership and a change. It is not time for a President (no matter how great his speech may be) to sit idly by making promises and compromises. It is time for a leader to walk down the hard road America needs.

Nothing better.

Bryant, me, Thaddeus, Danielle, and Ted (also not shown here is Eric who is underneath Thaddeus and me.) haha.

the silence

In such an individualistic society and with little money, I have grown to be very passive.

Why should I complain? I catch myself saying, I am lucky to be alive. But by lowering myself with these passive gestures, I let myself fall prey to the insecurities and selfish needs of others. Time and time again, I find myself victim of these same circumstances. Each time I vow it will never happen again. But here I am a victim to insults, a casualty to others fingers rifling through my belongings and an unwelcome guest in my own residence.

I cannot complain about too much right now. I somewhat fear this may spiral into a homeless situation. If so, I fear I will not be able to fulfill my VISTA contract. I am also curious about the logistics of my staying here in Chicago. I wish the government could know what it is like to be uber poor and no place to go after a year of service.


This will be a fine day. I am sure it will. The weather is perfect. I am seeing a beautiful woman tonight. All the world is an adventure and I really do not need much to have a good time.

Yet would it not be grand to end this viscous cyle once and for all.

Ambrosia Hookah bar BYOB

<-- Eric, Stef and I at Hookah Bar.

I took some legal courses with Stef. She is going to make a fine attorney some day.

A little time in Chicago.

My hand tightens as does hers. Together we walk past a danger that isn't really a danger in a world to which I have never truly been exposed. And I notice that I am walking with someone who will go against the dangers to greet and meet this world. She will invite me to challenge my schemas. Already, she is winning.

Those were my thoughts Thursday night as we walked.

In this city, my paths are paved in concrete, but trees are abundant. And I can still smell the sweet taste of soil after a rain. I still feel lonely when I watch the sun set behind buildings instead of on the horizon. I feel pain when I notice no one looks up into passing eyes as people pass on the sidewalk. However, I find myself smiling when I see the children dancing in the park on my way home. And I love bicycling through the city.

So I am mixed about this city. I know what I am missing. Yet I know what I gain.

If there were nearby climbing, I think I could stay a lifetime. As for right now, I am looking to stay just a little while.

I will some day find my road out West, maybe just another day.

Hawai'i

10 hours from Chicago to Honolulu.

Walking to the airport, walking away from an attitude of apathy and fakeness.

I met many awesome people while in Jacksonville, but it came too little, too late. I became tired of the can't do attitude of my supervisor and lack of committment to the some very worthwhile programs, the once-girlfriend who cheated on me with some pretty boy with an arrogant attitude and fake smile and an environment more inducive to cars and televisions than society and activity.

I walked from rural America to an airport, landed in a tropical paradise where I spent time with my brother, sea kayaked, rock climbed, swam in the ocean and snorkeled ... then settled in Chicago where I've already been robbed.

I now ride my bike down busy streets, dodging cars and car doors. My budget has never been so dire and my outlook has never been more mysterious. But I am working with some great programs staffed by great people at a great school. I live with some righteous hippies who are well educated and easy going. My life is changing.

I couldn't think of a better starting point to flip my life on its head and turn it all around than Hawai'i.

All I need now are the climbers and climbing ... and a plan. But what the hell! I finally feel as if all will fall into place.

Even a puddle can be beautiful ... if it has enough salt ;-)

I traveled to southern Illinois this weekend with a friend. We camped near a raging waterfall during the first night.

The night hummed with the waterfall's constant roar. And in the void of the night a persistent drizzle aligned with a darkness in my soul. It questioned my very essence, my strength, my decisions. And as the darkness set in, I found no need to lie anymore. I could just say it and be secure and just


Let Go of Life.

I have found a place to stay in Chicago. They sound like my kind of people. I will never give up on the reasons I do things. I will not succumb to the naysayers or the politics of looking good while not doing much. That is not my way. I will succeed. I will attain the education I need, and the life I want.

I will empathize and will help people. I cannot let myself be scared by the insecurities that come with this life. I will relish them.

Rewaken

A slow consistent force slithered around my legs, up my torso and soon held me at my shoulders. I was too blind to see it and too numb to feel it. But it had me. It tensed, and I succumbed.

It came at my ankles as an injury forced me into sloth. It slithered around my legs as my vast attempts at friendship here were foiled. It gripped my chest as her friendship fled voiding our relationship. It tensed as I saw reality while in the serpent's grip.

I have conquered this beast as an oak awakens from a lazy winter, sleepy and slow but with the steady hope of a guaranteed summer. Push-ups have given me strength. Climbing has renewed my character. Books have helped to sharpen what has come a docile mind. My heart lay in tatters, a soft spongy mess strewn about the dirty floor.

I will leave Jacksonville in May and will arrive in Chicago. I have no delusions about Chicago or plans. I don't even have a place to stay. But that is the path I have chosen as I try this renaissance of my old self. These words are some of the first that have rung truly from me. With these words, I redefine my character, my self will ... my self discipline.

TBD

A crimson piece of metallic wire twists and stretches in my hand. The bright and dark reflections of light shimmer from its smooth edges. They dance in my mind. I have guilty thoughts on this day.

I know what I must do. Yet, it is in these lulls of activity, my mind fires faster with longing. It re-creates feelings and memories. It lets go of past pain. It lets go of any obstacles I may have encountered. Instead, it focuses on the sweetness of it all. Bittersweet nostalgia.

I would rather not live my life like this ... always somewhere else. So I try to live here. In the time I've been here, I've gained three friends, lost one. I haven't been so secluded since my adolescent days. At least then, I had family.

This week, I try my hands at getting into the M.E.S. program at Evergreen State in Olympia, Wash. My admittance or denial will not afford me any luxury more than hope or despair.

If I had taken the West for granted, I hope I never will again.

The journey beyond what exactly ... ?

Here I am.
And I am moving forward.
To where?
Anywhere.
So long as I am moving.

Back from two weeks in WA

I remember being here in central Illinois for three months during college.

I would open my eyes in the morning. Lay there, eyes open, wonder what I was doing to myself ...
why would I put myself through this ...
was it worth it ...
had I failed ...
am I a failure ...
had I let my father down ...
why did I leave Florida ...

Sixty degree days gradual warming to seventy-five degree days.

I often found myself in the park, running. I ran nearly 10 miles a day then. I would run and run until I could barely walk, my legs were JELLO. I escaped into an idea of love, and felt dejected as she called to tell me of all the other men. She would tell me of how evil I was. Even if my legs were JELLO, I would soon find myself running again.

Somewhere in the back of my mind ... I have made this my experience of Illinois.

YET!

Why do we have new emotions, new thoughts, new brain cells (not one cell in my body is the same) if we must dwell and make the past our present. I am not nearly the same man. I have had so many crazy times since then!

I must finish this position into July, and I must make something out of it even if it means revamping my thought process, pretending I am in a tropical paradise or some golden future awaits me at the end.

I must cultivate my garden.