I shall never succumb.

Sometimes, late at night, I cry just for the simple piece of mind that comes with not failing.

I feel as if I carry this great burden. My grandfather turned down medschool at Vanderbilt. My father deserted in Vietnam. I've heard until that time my family was very prominent. A family full of doctors, lawyers and prominent farmers. I have even heard that I am a descendant of a general, but I have not checked it out.

So I have to wonder what is within me. Do I have what it takes? Or am I rather destined to fail like the two generations before me?

It is one day before my 22nd birthday. I am tense and nervous. I do not know what to expect. I wish I could treat it as any other day, but it is a day when I really will start to reflect on what I've achieved in the last year. I fear it is not enough. I know I will begin to push myself even more now.

Also, I fear feeling alone. It seems no matter who I am with, I always feel alone. Maybe it is all in my mind, but lately birthdays have been a very depressing time.

I guess all I can do is have hope. I finish all I can finish and do all that I can every day. I don't stop until I'm exhausted. I don't waste time. I don't dig my head in the sand and hope the problems just go away, but I can only do what I can.

I miss being adventurous. I can't wait until I'm done with my undergrad. I have a feeling it will be the hardest time in my life. I have no finances for school, so I'm continually stressed out. I am also caught in a part of the country where I feel trapped - never allowed to leave.

Let it go...

I realized today that one of my worst fears is not being able to have any control over my own life at times. It is a pretty scary concept for me. I realized when I start to fall on a lead climb, I cannot just let go and take the fall. I always need to know I"ll have some way to protect myself from its consequences.

But such is life and such I must learn. I must learn to just let go with trust in my heart that everything will end up okay.

I worked today trying to get my internet hooked up but with no avail. I went up to see if Ryan wanted to go get something to eat and he was hanging out with Caitlin. I just felt like I was getting in the way. He called about going climbing tomorrow - maybe he felt bad. My schedule is too busy though. Today was pretty much the one day I might have had. It is okay though. However, I can just imagine how our friendship is going to be - scattered, infrequent. But that is also okay. I understand he has priorities the same as I do.

Later, I called a girl I like. I asked her to go to the movies, which is pretty untypical for Monday nights, but I thought what the hell. I might as well try. She shot me down, but sounded like she might want to do something. I need to find more stuff to do in Carbondale. I don't know though. She always seems to want to do something around her roommate. It makes me uneasy and awkward like I'm being watched. She also never seems to want to leave her house. Or maybe it is just me. I have a tough time reading the girls I like. It just seems like too much trouble sometimes.

No one wanted to go climbing yesterday either. I've met three new climbers so far. But I still value my old friends too much and trust them too much with climbing. I wanted to go with them. I guess I'm just being a little childish and should just find a new partner.

It is only the beginning of school. I knew there would be some kinks. I still have a good feeling about this year.

I awake.

Agonizingly, I crawl down from bed - each step, one step closer to silencing a ringing alarm.

Then I focus. I stretch my arms and legs and walk down the hall to a room with a nice 16th floor view. I sit down and concentrate. I focus on where I am, right now. I focus on the present and remember who I am and what I am trying to do. I focus on all that has happened since the last time I sat down. My mind finds this zone and I lose myself.

Before I notice, half an hour has passed. I feel centered. I leave.

My focusing in the morning might have something to do with the fact I started to cry in church today. When something bad happens, I become cold. So when Carrie died, my heart cried out and then began to chill. When I was told I couldn't go out to see the mountains, I became a little colder. And when I found that I was still seen as dependent upon someone who clearly cannot support me through college, my heart sunk down and only my will kept it alive. I never lost hope, but my heart clearly could not speak for everything it wanted to say. It might have been too painful.

Now, it starts to speak again. It wants to seek something. It wants to do something with all of its ability.

I worked my body to the point of collapse lastnight. It now feels good to feel the soreness in my muscles.

As I begin to focus on my own life, I would only invite those in that would not derail what I'm trying to accomplish. I want those good in heart and purpose to be part of my life. I want those that speak of truth and uncompromising principle to find a good place. I want those people that need help to come to me. I do not want the callous anymore. I could not handle the fake. Let them go and be with others. I shall not go and seek anyone like this.

This year is a year to prove my own self worth. If I focus and use the resources God gave me, I shall begin to see my entire potential. I would really like to see that.

I think if I could even realize my entire potential just once, I would never lose confidence in my abilities ever again. But who knows... one must have goals.

Excitement

So I'm broke. No biggie. A time will come when I am not anymore.

So I have three semesters left. Not a prob. A time will come when I'll have my undergrad, and if I work hard enough, I should get into a pretty good law school.

There shouldn't be anything to be excited about this year, except a lot of hard work and various projects.

But I'm very excited. I'm excited over this mystery I've put into my life. I did something crazy one day (I know. Quite a surprise.) and it has resulted in an unexpected meeting for this Fall. I wonder how it will go. Will it be one hour, one minute taken from my life? Will it be a couple months? Will it result in a lifetime friendship or something more?

We are masters of our own future.

I think it has a lot to do with the way we see things. I've taken a lot from this summer, surprisingly. I never thought I would, but maybe having things get really hard just makes me better. Or maybe I just hung out with the right friend all summer. Maybe I finally saw that some girls just definitely aren't worth it, and I should trust my first thoughts on things.

Or maybe the Dean's list just makes it all worth it.

I have to say, I like who I am. However, I do not like where I am.

This year, I'm going to make the best out of it though. I am going to find the things that will not only make it bearable, but beautiful also. I want to search myself and become a better person.

I have my list of priorities. I have my goals. I have my wits about me.

Gotsta get a move on though.

Clouds and haze.

Everything I want must be earned. I will never get a break and it will make me strong. I realize that nothing is free in this life. I will strive on.


I must.





I have overcome so much so far. It has brought me down time and time again, but not this time. I will not buckle. I will not cry. I will smile.


At one point, I wanted my life to be so complicated. I wanted independence and hardships. I wanted to overcome some great obstacle. I begged for it. I wanted something to make me stronger. And now here I am, agonizing over my every word.


Clouds and haze block my path. They create another world for me. One filled with mystery and hardships at every point. I am really alone in my struggle. For even those helping me along couldn't lift this burden. I could have made a mistake on my way, but instead it is just what society says I should be that hurts me so much. They see no mistakes, yet I see so many.


Today, I am overcome by the grief of an unexpected surprise. One that was never supposed to come. It will make this year very hard on me. I really do believe I shall be alone through my undergrad now. It will make me strong and I will be able to look upon the smaller things with great emphasis and delight. My life will be fuller in the long run.


My soul will convey a great symphony into the world. It will not stop at a single beat.

Milk Chocolate and Beer!

Nothing happens here in Taylorville, or at least I allow nothing to happen for me.

I went to a bar lastnight with some friends. I saw two things. I first saw a girl I had a crush on all through high school, now just a fleeting thought of how pretty she is and how she didn't interest me, and second, a couple in a fight too splintered with emotion for anyone to have a chance of breaking it up. The guy was insecure. He feared what was not there. Everyone could see it was not there, except the guy. It was awkward, and I just wanted to slap him in the face and tell him to wake up. Wake up like I had never done when it happened to me. I wish I could have had a lesson plan in my previous relationships or maybe a little booklet on what to watch out for. As novice I was wreckless, my mistakes should have never hurt anyone.

I had two dreams lastnight. Two dreams which compelled me to write. They were interwoven together but with nothing in common.

First.

A big city. Skyscrapers rushed over my head. Everything turned with the wind. It was a feeling as if I was confused and looking around in every direction trying to find my way. The kind right before I fall down, dazed and unsteady. I had a friend with me. I could not now recall his face, but I knew I trusted him.

We walked through the middle of town to my apartment. I looked behind me and saw a narrow figure block out the sun. He was a knight wearing red with a huge steel cross painted on his chest. He was narrow, but in heighth had to reach 30 ft.

My friend and I both turned and ran. Beside us, splintering shafts of wooden spears burst against the ground. My friend turned. I stopped to look back. One wooden spear launched directly at him burst off his shield. He turned and ran again. I turned and ran also. But as I ran, I thought of the shield and how my friend had nothing to fear. So why was he running, turning his defenseless back to this monstrous, spear-throwing knight?

His glance caught mine and I knew too well. I was the reason. I had no shield and obviously he turned and ran with me, rather than fight.

I snapped. I just couldn't take it. I had no shield, but I ran straight back to the knight. I carried a sword and swung it heavily upon his legs. A spear came down on me. I felt the pain in my shoulder. It seered down my back. I started to climb the giant knight using my sword. I kept feeling the pain from the spears, but kept climbing. I don't know what kept me going, but I just kept going. I got to the top and with one lash of my sword I brought him back down to my height.

I now felt myself back on the ground. The knight was laying on the ground and I standing over him. He had cold gray eyes. Eyes with no emotion. Standing over him, I could see my reflection now old and weary where I had once been so young and brave. My body was brittle and I had used up everything trying to conquer this monster. As he layed there beaten, I just left. I knew that he wasn't a threat to me now so what's the use.

And as in dreams, time flowed very fast. I was now at my apartment. I opened the door to a friend coming to pick me up for something. He looked the same except for the cold gray eyes I knew once so well. I was now old and a brittle in actual years. He grabbed me and tried to squeeze the life out of me, but I fought back and he could not do it. I pushed him back into the hallway. His body crumbled into ashes. I awoke.

The second.

I was back in Greeley, Colorado. Travelling down a sidewalk to the Beatle Beanery (local coffeeshop with an upside down VW Bug in front,) I saw a girl I once knew. At least in the dream I knew her once. In reality, I had never seen this girl before. But it is a dream. It isn't supposed to make sense.

We walked together as the snow fell down in the daylight air. It made a little arrangement on the towering oak and hung heavily on the evergreens. I saw in everything a coldness, and as she talked I knew I had done something wrong. She started to cry and I broke down. I did not want her to cry and thought of anything I could do, but I did not even know the problem.

She ran back into a large house on that street right across from Central Campus, the street next to the brick entranceway and the clocktower with a broken bell. The street I had always walked down in Greeley in hopes that she would come out and talk to me.

Before I knew it, I was being chased by a mob of girls. It was crazy. I somehow found myself going into random shops, begging the managers of the store to keep them away from me. But everyone seemed to be in unison about how I deserved it. So I must have done something really wrong. A million things flashed through my head. 'Man, I have to deserve this,' I said to myself.

So somehow in the dream, I crept up and had the nerve to ask one of her friends what was going on. She told me how I had kissed her and never had any intention on loving her. She told me how I had kissed many other girls. She said the girl on that sidewalk on that day heard all the stories and knew I had kissed her in the same way, never for anything just for the moment.

But that wasn't true. When had I ever kissed anyone without the hope? I kissed everytime with the hope that this kiss would make everything right. It was a tool of hope, not a tool of deception. I kissed her on that sidewalk in hopes she might be everything to me, and she had walked away just because so many other girls had failed to make it that kiss, to be that hope.

I told the girl how I would do anything in the world for that girl. I just wanted to make sure I had found her. I told her how I had kissed with so much hope, but in the end I just waited for that girl. I waited every single second on that sidewalk. I held my breath for that girl, and every single girl I kissed who wasn't her I lost a little hope. At times I had lost all hope and I would go on thinking I would never find her. At other times, I had all the hope in the world until I kissed the girl and would realize what a tragedy I had committed because she would be hurt and I would be the one that hurt her. I had lost girls that I thought was her, but obviously they couldn't have been because their kiss wasn't true.

And then I had found her walking down that sidewalk, and she had walked away. She had thought of so many loves and just walked away. I thought as much would have happened. So, I begged her friend to go into the house and get her, because I really did care. I never stopped caring, but I just had to be certain.

So she came out of the house and I held her. It never felt more right and I knew this time I had found her.

- I know how this last dream intertwines with my very own life, but the ending is some ideal I really don't know about right now, but it stands as the basis for a lot of my hope. Everything else I know I can accomplish with the right effort and focus. This is a dream.

End of dreams

I blame everything on the four beers I had at the bar then the two glasses of milk chocolate at home. I should have known it would result in weird dreams. But hey, they were entertaining.

I made plans. I executed plans.
I started a goal this summer.
I was pushed this summer and I loved it.

Some days, I had no food. I had no money to buy food, but the only thing on my mind was to study. It didn't matter, because I had a reason to study. That is all I ever wanted.

I actually believe in where I want to end up. It is just as good as the feeling I got when I thought of all the people I could help being a doctor, as when I first started school. ~But very different~

This time it's me. I am using my true self to achieve my goals and not trying to be something I am not. Over the past two months, I have picked up a new minor, one that I know will give me a great deal of power to help people (economics.) I have also fortified my interest in Africa. What I learned about the people of South Africa was horrible, but what I saw them do in exchange was awesome. They massed together. They moved singing songs of unity and hope. They gave me hope. Professor Benti said at the end of the course he believes anyone can overcome anything in life just from what these people did.

Three hundred and forty years of rule at the hands of cruel white minority. 1652-1992.~

You give me great hope, South Africa.

I will leave this weekend to go wherever the wind blows me for a while. I will return in the Fall to start up classes, to meet new people, to climb with some of my best friends, to grow everyday as a person with many hardships, to watch the leaves brown and to feel the air grow crisp then cold. I will leave this weekend knowing no matter what happens I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I have the rest of my life to sing a song of unity while marching away trying to make this world a better place at least one person at a time.

a little short.

I apologize if I've been a bit out of it lately. Much has happened.

Financially, I think everything is figured out. Woooohooo!

Exam Friday. Kind of stressed. Badly want an A.

Two things I am thinking right now: Climbing, South Africa.

After Friday: climbing, hometown, Florinda's Ristorante, a bit of good wine, tons of sleep, tons of running, tons of no worries.

I was just talking about how badly I wanted to go climbing tonight and some girl IMs me out of nowhere and BAM! climbing partner for the weekend. Josiah gave her my name. Apparently, she is some girl from Northwestern. She just got back from South Africa. I think it could be fun. Little chance of rain, but I doubt it. I really hope not. Sunday is mine! (if not Saturday)

I want the Fall to come with the crisp fresh air. I want my friends to return.

My priorities have changed. It is all about Law School now. Just not any JD either. We're talking Peace Corps - best law school I can get with the best human rights/international trade program - life and doing stuff with it.

Someone told me I was smart today during work. I said something very practical and common sense. Main guy in charge treated me like a bleedin spectacle. I really have to think things might have been different if I would have cared a great deal more where I went to school after high school. (Bitter words from a tired me who can't go to sleep.) Word to the wise - Never drink three cups of coffee in an afternoon when you have been avoiding it for years. Caffeine can hurt you. Badly.

Pictures

<-------Look at that guy. He snored so loud, but he was hilarious. Good ol' Johnny. He was a true Scot. This was at our camp in PA. I got bored tonight so I thought I'd post pictures.



------------->
This is Si. We went to Phili together and had a lot of good times. He is also a Scot. He says he is going to visit in September. It should be fun. He is always telling me all these great stories about da ladies. He is a pretty crazy guy. A true friend.


<--------This is Si as a kid. Already showing the craziness. ------------------------------------------------>
This is my bro. Look at this guy. Can you believe we are related? Justice (yes that is his name) is a great guy. He is always away doing military things though. Maybe someday we'll actually climb together.

<---------- This is Erinn. One of my greatest friends. We used to hang out all the time my freshman year in Colorado. I see her from time to time when I visit, but I'm still hoping to share some good times with her in the next couple of weeks. She is very important to me. I couldn't get by without her sometimes. One of my climbin chums, Ryan. --------------->
Yeah, sure he is holding a peace sign, but don't let that confuse you. He is a pretty vicious guy. Whoa, fierce. Look at that killer instinct coming through. I have a feeling this guy is going to be doing shots of hot sauce this climbing season. (inside joke)








<-------Marc and Ryan (left to right) Marc decided to be a little bitch and go off to Mizzou this year. WHAT HAPPENED TO COLORADO? haha. I'm j/k Marc. I know.... I know.... You hate Carbondale. I hope you are happy, man. I really do. But you are still a little bitch. Come climb at Jackson!


Angie------------------------------------>
I was something to Angie. I don't really know what though. She is a pretty cool girl though. While she is not slaving away working on her PhD, she volunteers to help women or teaches piano. A very busy lady. One day she will help children out with her musical treehouse of children's pyschology. You can ask her. She has it all planned out.





<---------Tyler is one of my best friends. We met in high school and have been friends since. He is a pretty responsible guy. He is my go-to guy when it comes down to asking, "Hey, is this okay or just wreckless?" haha. Tyler didn't want to go to Colorado with me this year. Apparently he has a job or something. Whatever.



Emily from MN or Champaign, IL. Whichever ------------>

Emily is such a scholar. She belongs to a million different organizations and is on some kind of national scholar program. She is a cool friend and can always ramble on and on about some point of history I had no idea about before. She also wears scandalous skirts such as the one pictured here.








<----------- Mike.

This is a hilarious photo. I don't even see this guy anymore. He is a friend of Marc's that we used to get wasted with. He always had Alkaline Trio playing in the background. He left to go to another school. Probably good because he would probably be upset that I posted this picture online. I'm not gay or anything, but taking funny pictures is always a great thing to do. So laugh it up because I usually do.

Viva le lait au chocolat!

Chocolate Milk! ~ Ya Gotta Love Chocolate Milk!

Imagine a world without Chocolate Milk. Could anyone really survive? Who would want to? It would just be too tough. Chocolate Milk makes me want to make the world a better place.

I have been working the past few days. It is nothing special, but it is a hilarious job (catering.) It is funny to see how everyone takes their job so serious. One of my bosses gets so spastic and stressed out sometimes. I just go along doing whatever and getting stuff done. I crack some jokes from time to time. They have to believe I don't take it too seriously, but how could I?

My last job swayed public opinion. It was taken as fact. I wrote and people listened. I reported the facts and dove into getting the story. My job was an art form. It was a responsibility. It gave me much back in the three semesters I worked there. It was also working towards something. I really loved it. I gave it up for something more though.

I might find something else when I return for the semester, but for now this job guarantees Colorado. I can just feel the start of the trip. I love to drive across the country. I can imagine the wind breezing over my face. I can just picture that one rest stop in Kansas with the McDonalds in the middle of the interstate. I stopped there my very first trip to Colorado by myself. I felt so brave. I felt so alive to be doing something so new.

I have to keep my life new. Every day is something. Some people have to travel all over to try to find something "new," but it is within my very heart that I find the new. One of my advisors at the paper said you have to get all you can from one place and then you have to move on. I think he was making the point that you can't be afraid to try new things and go new places. People just get into this comfort zone and are afraid to try new things. I used to see it happen all the time in my hometown. I feared turning out being the same way until after I left. Soon after, I realized I was nothing like them.

I can't wait to see my friends. I miss them so much. I miss Erinn all the time. I like how much we usually laugh when we are together. I don't really want to think about anything other than just hanging out while I'm out there. It wouldn't be great to complicate things too much. I just want to relax and get my liberal/Western grip on the world back.

I'm taking all my climbing gear and definitely hitting up the rock as much as I can as well. That will be a great experience. I hope I can somehow meet up with Marc, Ryan or Matt on their return trip. I know Ryan will go through Colorado. He told me he liked it too much. It would be great to do a trad climb in the Flat Irons with Ryan.

Breathe

The air was moist in my return. The leaves were greener and the sweet cool air was relished. Moist full air. I remember each breath. I could feel it rush into me. I could feel the wind on my face. Crimson leaves reminded me of change. There was the uncanny ability to always depend on one thing remaining the same: change.

I felt lost in the cool air. My heart, so full of passion, looked at the leaves and saw itself. It was dying - dying so much, but feeling more alive than it had ever been. My passion consumed every part of my soul. But I was young. My heart didn't know much. I desired some unknown pleasure.

I wrapped myself from the outside. Two t-shirts covered my heart. The first, white - thick, deep cotton blend, peeked out in front of my pants. It lay nearly hidden by the second, red - white hamburger "Better Burgers" imprinted on the back. Thick dark green pants hung from my waste. They were cut at the feet. Cut to show off the red. My red shoes displayed the way I wished to be. Bright. Funny. Worn. True.

The nights were cold. That autumn cold. I never wanted to go inside though. I thought constantly of the campfires of my youth. Sitting, watching a flame burn, I'd give up my mind and let it be lost in the flames. The firelight sent with it anything that would grab my fascination. Some blues, yellows, oranges, whites would all dance around in the most random ways.

~
That was the first Fall I came back to Illinois. I felt good because I had accomplished much. I had gone to a school nearly a thousand miles away. I maintained good friendships, picked up some new hobbies, worked a camp job another thousand miles away in the opposite direction, nearly fell in love and found myself along the way.

The world was small to me and I could accomplish anything. I knew I could be here for a while because I knew my life sat held out for me. I was content. I said I could always return to Colorado in the summer times. I could always get a little side adventure in during the summer.

Last year, I spent two days in Colorado. I spent the rest with my friend Marc hiking with some partial climbing in Wyoming. I would not give up that trip for anything, but I still miss Colorado quite a bit. It is more of a home for me than any place ever has been. One of my best friends didn't even get the true me last time. I was tired and the altitude gave me a huge headache when I went too high too fast. I tried to keep up but just couldn't and then I wasn't myself. Erinn got my worst two days. I want to make it up to her. I didn't even get to see my long lost friend Travis. Emily tried to come, but the two days didn't play into her schedule.

I promised many people I'd come this year. I signed up for a medical study just for that reason. I really don't like them, but I'd do anything to keep a promise.

Right now it seems I have a choice between living in a house with one of my good buddies or living in the dorms. The house would be super nice, but looks like if I choose the house - No Colorado. I never like the dorms and I always seem to get paired with somebody who isn't the greatest roommate. But if that is what it takes for one week out in Colorado to keep a promise to not only my friends, but my sister who needs me. Then that is what I shall do. Maybe Ryan will move out in the Spring and we can find a place together.

I thought everything was planned out. I guess I was wrong. I doubt I will go to school next summer. I think I'd rather work for once and save up some money. The Peace Corps will come soon and then I can start to follow my plans. But for now, the main plan is school and keeping up with my promises. I can save the luxury of a house for later in life if it comes down to it.

I certainly need a break from Illinois.

Torrent

I allow my life to be swept into a torrent. I allow myself to not work like I should.

I say everything will work out as it must. I say the future does not worry me and my accomplishments shall come.

I allow people in my life who only deter my path. I allow everyone in no matter what. Whether they care for me or not. Whether or not they ever had any intention to.

In short, I allow idle words and their own philosophies to override my own.

But I know myself. Many trials have come to me thus far. I have been tested and tried and not found wanting. I have walked away from those people time and time again and counted myself better in the long run.

Whether it is selfish to give up on the human spirit of man or not is beyond me. I think I shall never truly give up on the human spirit. However, the simple truth is, "you can't make someone care." You can't shout from a roof top that they should and suddenly they do. You can't take a person and expect her to care when there is no interest for you at all. You certainly can't.

I am certainly done. Not with all of humanity, but with those I allow a place in my life.

Lastnight-

Darkness encroached into my heart. It overtook my senses with an exhiliration. My legs tensed stronger and my breathing became deeper and more fullfilled.

At every turn, I could hear my friend Josiah's footsteps on the path behind. One leg would be fully tensed while another would reach far in front for another placement. I ran faster.

I found myself. I found my inner strength. I found a deep core among the torrent. I fueled it and left everything in the distance.

Lastnight - done.

I do not know what the future holds for me. I am a man of goals, but no longer a man of fear. I have let it override my better judgement time and time again.

I have lost happy moments and cheery advances. I have dwelt where I should have laughed. I have sat idle where I should have left. I have been the victim of a great fear. A big man named fear makes people buy in or sell out and develop a comfortable level so they might never face the unknown - the adventure. Adventure is my greatest friend. I enoy her company.

Words sit on this page. My life awaits me. I must go.

Nightmare

What a dream. More like, 'What a nightmare!'

I guess it got to me a lot more than I would even admit, but yeah she does get to me. Harsh words always get to me, but those words scare me more.

The dream:

They were only just words. I had only heard them once so they were only just words.

I stepped up towards her and one of her friends came before me.

"No. You don't get to see her. She doesn't even want to speak to you," she said.

I stepped back. I couldn't even believe it. I mean it was true. Obviously she never wanted to speak to me. Then I began to just to ask why, but no response came.

"Come on. Just tell me why. I want to know why I bother you so much. I want to know if you really think that I am this swagger of a man. I want to know if one wreckless night unhinged me in your mind forever," I said.

"I don't know. You just scare me," she said.

Her friend came back with someone and suddenly I was being chased. Frantically, I balanced myself between believing in myself and not. At one moment I was content. I would gather my thoughts and think, 'why is it ever even worth it to know that people expect you to be so settled in life.' But then I would think differently. It would all just hit me. Maybe she thinks of me as someone who is scary. And the fear would settle in.

And I ran on. My legs cramped, but I still ran. I was being chased the entire time. I could see a picture of her friend, a vicious smile and smug appearance behind it all.

I held hands with fear. I gathered in mercy's court. I stopped and the chase was over. Two men approached with caution. They quivered as they came closer. I slumped to the ground. I knew I was gone. Their hands came down on my back.

I awoke. - End of dream

Yeah. Wow. What a dream! I haven't had a dream like that since I broke up with Charlotte. What is it with me and the girls that always make me feel horrible for everything.

I hardly ever drink, but one night I do and get lost outside in the country. (walking) I left tons of drunken voice mails about how I was lost in the country. My friend from U of I actually guided me back with mapquest. I would have laughed my ass off had another friend told me this. In fact, some of my other friends did laugh because this doesn't happen very much. But as always, it was different with the girl. It ends with this dream.

In all actuality, it ended with Angie ignoring me. I'm not professional enough for her anyway. I will go to law school, and I still won't be professional enough for her. She wants someone who looks good, always. She wants someone who settles down nicely on a picture frame with no embarrassing stories about the picture. It seems to me she wants a nice settled life. One that I have never found. One that would be too boring, too undramatic. It wouldn't be a lovely life. It would just be boring.

I want my kids to go out and have fun. That is why I work so hard. I want people in the world not to have to suffer at the hands of a manipulator. That is why I work so hard. I don't do it so everyone can look at me and say,"Hey. That Brian guy really has everything figured out." and I never will.

But I do sit here and dwell on it. This isn't going to ruin my day, I say. But I know the dream has made an impact. It will take much to remember it is only a dream.

Today, I go hiking with an old friend if it doesn't rain. The gray sky overcasts my window, but maybe it will happen. I haven't seen her in months, and I am lucky I stumbled upon her number.

Intensity

Beware.
I am intense. I am fierce. I am emotional.
I will not change for you. My life moves me to be more. I live and strive for an ideal of truth. I won't back down for you.

Drama follows me. It does because I do not just accept things for the way they are.
It isn't like I worry all the time, just whenever I feel like I could do something about it.

Truthfully, I enjoy life. I enjoy every second of it. I love every moment I am alive. I am a fighter. I fight for something because it is good to fight. From the words of a song, "live to fight and fight to live." When the sun shines on me, I feel so lucky. When water beads on my skin, I feel so alive. I think it is good to feel. Live in a moment and know how you feel. I feel. I won't hide it and won't make fake.

I don't trust easily. I have no reason to. If I say I trust you, feel lucky. I don't owe you trust. I do not expect it of you.

If you can't handle me, move on. I encourage you to. I will still be here when you come around. I haven't been able to turn away anyone who makes a good effort. God knows I've tried. So be free. I am free. Free from you and everyone. My life is not lived for you. It is mine. I encourage you to do the same.

You move on. Someone will take your place. If I am friends with you, I enjoy your company. I do not do it because I want to be like you or want something from you. I am just quite happy being myself. I hope you know that.
I love to laugh. I love to smile. But that is not just what life is about. It's about being true. If you are sad, cry. If you are angry, feel it out. Don't be afraid to let it out, my friend, for tomorrow may never come. And you should feel a responsibility to live with that much truth. I do.

So, my friend, do not smile and act cheery if you don't mean it.

It comes from no friend of mine.

Grab my hand.

I reached out to help, but lost myself in the way. I have found so many beautiful people. No one I've met is really that bad, just easily forgetful about a suffering world.

I can't forget though. I studied tonight about South Africa. I did a little work on a project and found a few friends in powerful places. Now just have to get my research done. Time to organize and dig into the facts.

Three rings I wear around my arm with a piece of cordelette. They always stand for the three most important ideals I hold at the time. Not fixed ideals. It just makes sense to at least have three at all times. Faith. Compassion. Courage. are today's ideals. "Livestrong" helps me to remember how short life is. I owe it to some to enjoy life and help others.

Ryan called from Santa Cruz. Said he had been sleeping on the beach and going from place to place with Matt as vagrants. It is hilarious. What an adventure! I can just picture them. I am lucky to have such great friends. They are both coming back, which makes me very happy.

I accepted Angie's apology. She cares. I am still scared though. of what? no clue. But at this point, if I can't laugh about it, it scares me. I am walking very slowly and very steadily this time. I don't want to run like every other time. (metaphor) I always seem to trip up when I run.

New friends are golden I have found. I want someone to go with me to Colorado in August. Just not anyone, either. I want someone who can laugh. I want someone who isn't serious about it. Need someone who knows what a road trip is all about. It's the adventure and the memories. I will find someone. Nothing will stop me this time. I promised.

Amy is married. It is weird to think about. I thought she would call me to celebrate, but she never even told me. It doesn't seem as if we are really friends anymore. She knows I promised her we always would though. It is up to her. I've only made the promise two other times. I intended to keep all three.

Present

Past few days were hard. Tough times in a time when nothing is easy. Yet it was never supposed to be. I heard it long ago that I would have a very tough road with all that I wanted to accomplish. I doubt it will get any easier. People shall come. People shall go. I will miss her, but I have to have Faith in the way it works. I shall move on. One thing I discovered, though. It is only useful talking about someone you lost with someone who cared the same or a great deal more. So the burden is always on the person who cared the most. No one knew Carrie like her mother. She will carry the burden, even though others will try to take it where they can.
I am moving on. I have to. I am happier than I was a few days ago.
Played soccer the other day. It felt so good to have the ball underneath my feet. The hardcore sprints at the end were nice as well. It felt so good to give something my all. (Like climbing.) It takes everything to climb - brains, heart and body.
I miss love. I miss a girl that I could love. I hate the fakeness. I thought I loved Charlotte once upon a time, but I know I wouldn't be happy with her. She was a nice catch, but never happy with me. I had to let her go. I could have had Amy, but I let her go. I didn't know how far to go. I didn't know the lines. She will be married any day now. We are drifting further apart. Soon, I doubt I will be but a fading memory in her life. But that is fine.
It is not okay, however, how far I am getting away from Erinn. I remember being so in love with her. I would do anything for her. My days went so fast when I was with her. We would leave the world behind and submerge into a blazing world of craziness. When I moved, she stayed. She always called, and we only thought it would be a short time until I moved back. Yet I never did. And now she starts to move on. I call her from time to time to pose "the question." We have a good laugh, and I move on. I wonder what would have happened if I stayed. Or I suddenly came back. Unfortunately, we are too practical to believe anything could happen. I wish we weren't.
I have found exactly what I want in a girl, but never in one girl. I wanted poetic. I found Amy. I wanted crazy spontaneity. I found Erinn. I wanted a climber. I found Emily. I wanted someone with a good soul and a good purpose. I found Melissa. - Amy was just happy with anyone. She is a very sweet girl. Erinn doesn't seem to want me at all. She has a million guys clamoring after her every footstep. Emily wanted me and I turned her down, because I wanted all those other things. Melissa was in love with another when I found her. She only fooled herself.
So, truthfully, I have not even come close to finding her. The girl that will be worth it. The girl that will see life is truly short. A girl that isn't afraid of emotions, is crazy and bold, beautiful in soul and mind and just fun to be around. I didn't think that was too much to ask. Maybe in today's society it is though. Or maybe i'm just being ideal again.
On a good note.
The rock will never leave me wanting. And I'll always have my soccer ball.

Missing.

I have one friend missing. She is one family member gone.
Tears wouldn't do her justice because she always had a smile. I miss her. I walked up to the casket and I couldn't help but cry. Barb was there. It was very comforting to have her there, but I still felt ripped apart inside.
Even now I cry. Tears mark my cheeks, moving down for a salty taste. I wish she wasn't gone. None of this feels real. But there she was. And she is gone. No one will ever be able to bring her back. I can barely see. My eyes are swollen. She was always so damn cheerful and carefree. I remember the last time we spoke. I told her to take better care of herself, and that I was worried. God, why would I have had to say I was worried. I should have just stayed close to her. I should have went to Colorado this summer. I should have been there. It wouldn't have happened.
I told Linda I would be there tomorrow. I don't want to go. I am so afraid that I'll never stop crying. I can't even think of the pain Linda must be going through.
Everything in my life is changing so fast. It unravels before my eyes have time to adjust. I always think of things in terms of consistency and now nothing is left. I mean I get in relationships and always think that this might be the one and it never is. I leave behind everything in hopes that this might be the one career for me, and it isn't. And most of all, I leave behind friends that I will forever see again, and now I don't. And for Carrie, I never will again. I think back on all the good times between us and I smile, but I cry to think nothing new lies in the future. I will forever miss you, Carrie. Be blessed wherever you are now.

Reality

I'm here. Southern Illinois surrounds me.
It hit me just now. She is dead. I will never be able to get out there and say hi. I will never be able to hear her laugh or go off with her on some tiny errand. I will never talk with her sister about how Carrie will get a hold on life and we'll all someday laugh at everything. It will never be.
Tears never do anything justice. I don't want her to be gone, but it is so. Tomorrow I will confront everything and have to talk about it with everyone. I would rather have something to keep my mind off the subject.
I filled out applications all day today. Turned one in, but it didn't look promising.
I cleaned my entire apartment, washed all my dishes, organized all my stuff.
I awoke this morning in a bed too familiar and too foreign with a friendly smile (one that I never know what to think about.) I fixed a famous egg sandwich and went on my way for the day.

I'm not going to always look towards the West for happiness. For now, I am truly stuck and poor. All I can do is shrug this whole thing off. All I can do is crack a joke and be happy and know I have no control over the way the world treats me. It is not sad. It is reality.

Farewell to the West now
My mind is open to the East
To all the new faces, new minds
And things to see
But I am alone here
And my heart at times it weeps
I will see you through the colours
As the sun sinks in the sand - Xavier Rudd - Solace Amongst the Sin

Running

Running. Angie asked me to run with her tonight. I have felt too sick to run recently. I feel it will be good for me. I don't expect her to comfort me anymore. I have gotten the idea out of my head. I don't know if I will tell her about everything. Maybe it will be better that way. She never opened herself up for me, so why should I do the same for her.

Spoke to Kris today. She had much to say. She seemed excited that I finally chose a side. I wonder what kind of a difference I can really make. I have to try though. I told Kris the whole story about why I feel I must accomplish so much. She is going to get me some info on some advocacy groups that might help my friends on the northeast side. Today, I have started the good fight. As Coelho wrote, I fight with my heart. That really counts for a lot.

Running short of breath
my jaw echoing with the rhythm
of a heart tasted freedom
once lived and tried
now sheltered and fearful
kept down, but burning
beating wildly in pulse
in soul, in nature
in yearning
- a torchered existance.

new feeling

driving home.
Relaxed feelings as I drove home in the fog. Amazing. It just felt good to be surrounded by the fog. It was mysterious, a feeling of freedom. It was... free. Such a good feeling to feel on independence day. hmmm.
I always enjoy the feeling of moisture on my face. I always feel more alive. I never wish to forget how precious life is. Many have died around me lately. Carrie's funeral is Friday. I hope I am OK.

I was listening to a song on the way home tonight. It made me think of times long ago while driving in Pa. I wished with everything that I might be back there. I wish I could just feel that free just once. I felt so afraid at first, but then as if I could have conquered the entire world. Now, I am here. Stuck. I look everyday for a little sense of adventure.