Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What a horrible experience! So why do I constantly jump into the role of mediator? Why would I put myself into such an awkward situation?

I could easily burn for everything now that I am playing that role. Yet, I must.

It was the right thing to do.

:*( - I wish I could just call someone and vent. I hate feeling so distant from everyone.

Monday, May 21, 2007


Found my glasses in the weirdest place! I thought I lost them.

This makes me so happy!

Friday, May 18, 2007


I went bowling with some people from camp last night. It was all good fun, some funny conversations, great jokes and great pictures.

But I saw something on the way that made me remember the mountains for what they mean to me. It's not as if they are not daunting anymore, but I now feel the same connection I once felt. In a moment, I was comforted.

Slick blades of raw rock protruding upward into the clear sky. Snow hangs nowhere except the peak. These rocks are raw and unaltered, letting everyone know they could stand alone, breathing in the fresh mountain air for eternity. In the rain, a mist surrounds the bold face and briskly flows around it. And in the bitter cold, it's face is dabbled but not covered with complete snow, again letting everyone know, nothing could detain it. But in the summer, it's true beauty comes out as a brilliant sun and blue sky create such a contrast as for some tourist to say, "Hey, hunny, now that's beautiful."

And so I feel a connection. I'm sure I could stand alone for an eternity only breathing in the mountain air. But I know somewhere out there is a blue sky and brilliant sun, metaphorically speaking - of course everyone knows there is a blue sky and a sun.

Amy mentioned something in an e-mail to me a while ago. I was telling her about everything going on in my life, and she responded how she knew it was right as long as it met certain conditions. And in a moment, I knew it was a lie, and maybe it was just an escape for me. So some people really do know me. Let me just call them kindred spirits. So rare they are, yet so close to me in every single way.

On another note, after eating breakfast this morning, something happened and made me want to do one of those Irish-Leprechaun-jump-in-the-air-with-your-heels kicks. And for the first time, I did it perfectly. Maybe it is the elevation ...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

As white mountain peaks surround me on each side, so does nostalgia.

Coming back to Colorado, back to the mountains of my youth, I am taken back to a time when I was just learning to be passionate, to be driven, to see the world for how it is and make it better. Much of that has now been tempered with different experiences. I've learned that things never quite go as I want them, and even the best situation can crumble.

So I've learned ... and now what do the mountains mean to me? Why do they seem so daunting, so unreal? They are not the same mountains from my childhood. They don't feel like my mountains anymore. They feel like everyone else's, and now I'm just this outsider. I really hope this feeling goes away.

I haven't heard from my brother in a little while. It is so close to Ireland. Maybe that is getting to me more than anything. He was so good at getting back to me before.

Uncertainty surrounds my future.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Lost Poems

So here I sit packing for this huge, scary world I've heard so much about and I find some poems from freshman year in Colorado ...

tender heart, do not cry
when sun dims
when clouds throw tears,
a child cries from want,
the passion is lost,
love loses trust,

the sun will rise again,
the Earth will heal with cloud's tears,
a child will bring peace,
passion is never lost inside your soul,
love losing trust doth not yield love.


curiousity becomes my soul,
depression my very existence,
a sun rises - outcasting pain,
clouds hasten overhead
delivering contemplative thoughts,
grandeur sits, awaits
lowly existence prevails, exists
my moment is yet to come
have patience

Math 127
Iridescent light shined from tip to top,
meager, weak sounds overcame all
greatness subsided, beauty slipped,
walls condensed further in
stripping myself of integrity, purity
of the inert nature of freedom
and the wild streak resigned
under the conformity of a cubicle world

The cold pierced through my heart,
pain drawn up inside, condensed,
wretched truth be known,
I should do unto you the same,
I should let you feel the pain,
I never would,
Since I never could.

How much my life has changed since freshman year ...

Monday, May 07, 2007

the end of college?

Beyond some early-morning editing, my undergrad is done.

Tonight, I shall buy a 40 and celebrate with many friends. Sadly though, I just won't feel like it is done until tomorrow.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

One week.

On these warm, summer nights, my heart fills with a void. And that void strongly resonates until I know I may not sleep without some far reaching hope consuming my dreams. And it is on these nights that my ambition to live every single second with heartfelt greatness is checked with fear.

'Hope will conquer all,' I think to myself.

I will never give up. I will find great love. I will find great adventure in life. I will find my true path, or it will find me. In one week, I will have my degree.

In one week, I will finally allow myself to be free from all the burden I've placed on my life. It will be my turn to decide where my life will go.

Friday, May 04, 2007


Horses, eh?

I am going to work with horses, and not just sea horses either! - The huge, muscular, snorting, sometimes crazy, but very very exciting mammals.

I think it will be fun. It will give me some time to figure out what I'm really going to do.

Will I keep moving further out West, settling in that lush, temperate rain forest some call the Pacific Northwest? Or will I settle in Denver, training like a madman and doing the occasional Iron Man? Or, will I work on my parlais francais tout l'ete et move onto Africa with the Peace Corps. Or like a madman will I take a professor's advice and go to graduate school to get my M.B.A. or advanced Econ degree? (madman, indeed) Then there is always the occasional move to Europe on a work visa, pick up whatever languages needed along the way, totally reinventing my life like a man on the run.

I have my degree! I have no reason to stay! If my life were golf, I'd be at par. I think I can do a little better!

after this, I'd rather be a bit of an intellectual for a while. 'twould be nice.


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Ambitiously enduring.