Friday, November 15, 2013

To reminisce of a time once passed, and relived again.

"You always want to see as much of the sky as possible." - Flatliners

I have only been as lonely as I am now one time in my life, and that moment was a short-lived, 9-month stint in Jacksonville, IL. I was miserable, and my body went through much of the same thing. I felt out of place, ostracized, and defunct. I worked hard, and I felt nothing for my endeavors. I felt lost.

When I got to Northwestern University, I doubted everything about myself. I felt defeated. If I couldn't make things work at a lower-level school, how was I supposed to make it work at a prestigious university like Northwestern?

Yet I thrived! I remember biking around Chicago after work. I did not know anyone, but soon found myself awash with friends. After watching my relationship disintegrate during my last few weeks, I soon found another woman, an inner city school teacher, who had a heart of gold. I danced around the city, attending a free event here and there. I felt the thrill of walking past Cabrini Green, a once-infamous housing project. I walked on the edge as I rode my road bike down into the south side during a 60-mile bike ride! And soon, my body returned to normal, my rhythm at work progressed quickly. I was doing more and more, and soon I was part of a team at a prestigious school. Suddently, I was getting good reviews. My confidence steadied.

I do not mean to run away, but something is not right here. I hate whining, but it feels like my body knows me better than my own mind. Silly as it seems. I thrive for adventure, for a challenge, for big mountains, or new experiences. I thrive for working and being around people. I thrive for being productive.

I thrive to build. 

Law school seems to fuel none of this. It has turned into yet another academic endeavor. It feels like another hoop to climb through before I can move onto the next stage of my life.

It feels pointless.

The worst part is that I feel utterly alone as I go through it. 

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

I fear death when I no longer feel alive.

As of recent, my body has returned to mostly normal. My limbs are limber again. The pain that has set so consistently in my abdomen and sometimes chest fades. I swim a little over a mile every other day. I run miles on the other. I have lost a little over 10 lbs, and I am a step away from climbing again.

I am thankful for all these changes. Yet, a tiny notion sits in my head. Must I keep this diet forever? Do I have food allergies or is something malfunctioning? Two nights ago, I had a protein shake and then a grilled cheese and everything happened again. My doctor doesn't seem to think it is my gallbladder. My family heartily disagrees.

It baffles me that the body can control our temperament, our ability to focus, our ability to love fully, and our ability to live in the present. I am so thankful for these days when things begin to return to normal. I have all but said good bye to law school. If it was the stress that did all this to me, I want no part in it. I want to feel as I do now. I want to feel my feet, light and quick, rising from the ground and pushing my body forward. I want the flexibility and lightness to climb trees, to hike big mountains and scale giant cliffs. I want to sense the world and not live in fear.

I fear death when I no longer feel alive. 


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Ambitiously enduring.