In such an individualistic society and with little money, I have grown to be very passive.
Why should I complain? I catch myself saying, I am lucky to be alive. But by lowering myself with these passive gestures, I let myself fall prey to the insecurities and selfish needs of others. Time and time again, I find myself victim of these same circumstances. Each time I vow it will never happen again. But here I am a victim to insults, a casualty to others fingers rifling through my belongings and an unwelcome guest in my own residence.
I cannot complain about too much right now. I somewhat fear this may spiral into a homeless situation. If so, I fear I will not be able to fulfill my VISTA contract. I am also curious about the logistics of my staying here in Chicago. I wish the government could know what it is like to be uber poor and no place to go after a year of service.
This will be a fine day. I am sure it will. The weather is perfect. I am seeing a beautiful woman tonight. All the world is an adventure and I really do not need much to have a good time.
Yet would it not be grand to end this viscous cyle once and for all.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
My hand tightens as does hers. Together we walk past a danger that isn't really a danger in a world to which I have never truly been exposed. And I notice that I am walking with someone who will go against the dangers to greet and meet this world. She will invite me to challenge my schemas. Already, she is winning.
Those were my thoughts Thursday night as we walked.
In this city, my paths are paved in concrete, but trees are abundant. And I can still smell the sweet taste of soil after a rain. I still feel lonely when I watch the sun set behind buildings instead of on the horizon. I feel pain when I notice no one looks up into passing eyes as people pass on the sidewalk. However, I find myself smiling when I see the children dancing in the park on my way home. And I love bicycling through the city.
So I am mixed about this city. I know what I am missing. Yet I know what I gain.
If there were nearby climbing, I think I could stay a lifetime. As for right now, I am looking to stay just a little while.
I will some day find my road out West, maybe just another day.