Saturday, December 31, 2005

Last day of 2005

Hung out with my bro yesterday. We were supposed to go climbing but he was two hours late, threw off the whole rhythm of the day. But all is forgiven.

We started out by heading to downtown St. Louis. We went to Union Station, Hooters. It was my cousin Brandon, Justice and his best friend Lon ( no idea if that is how you spell his name.) It was an awesome day, but I think I felt a little sick afterwards, not enough sleep and too much alcohol/caffeine.

As I walked with my cousin lastnight, a little epiphany erupted in my little world. The air was crisp and wet. It was slightly cloudy and the lights reflected off the ground to create a dreamlike atmosphere. I could have just walked around alone and been perfectly happy. We were right under the arch, headed towards downtown. I like being in a place where something is always happening, and I think that is what draws me so much to the city. I know St. Louis isn't the biggest place, but it is nice. I like seeing all the diversity in the people. I like having different restaurants, different bars, museums and art exhibits at my fingertips.

I later headed back to Sossity's house. I played around with her children and finally was too tired and too sick to go on, so I drove my cousin back home and went back to Taylorville.

I really do see myself just packing up one day and moving away to some distant place. It doesn't scare me. It just thrills me. I think if God has a plan for me, I will be fine. It will all be good. I know how much life is worth and how short it is by all the people that I have lost so far. I want my life to be something amazing. I don't need fame or fortune though. I just want experiences. I want to live a truly romantic lifestyle. I want big adventures, big wins, huge losses and all the risks that come along with those odds.

I know I want to help people, and I know I am not doing enough as it is. So right now, I'll work on building myself up. I will work on being a better person so I might actually be strong enough to do all that I plan on doing. I really do need to be stronger before I begin on this huge journey I have planned.

Thursday, December 29, 2005



The vivid contrast of motionless days compared to utter excitement. It is the spellbinding disease I am born with. It is the champion fever I need. It is a call to reach somewhat above the ordinary, to act a little zany and compare myself to no other.

It is that ability to be unique. It is the courageous spirit that says Thank You when some call me weird for acting so goofy. But hey, at least life is interesting.

It feels good to look at the way nothing can be very hard when you want it enough. I once read a book that spoke about how a few people managed to walk, on foot, from Siberia down to the coast of India, a trek of some 2,000 miles. It happened after WWII when the Soviets moved into Poland with rash accusations of spies and war criminals. They took Polish soldiers to prison camps in Siberia. One of these men was a simple colonel who just wanted to be free, to be able to see his wife again. He set his mind to it, and then didn't let anything get in his way. When he arrived, he was starved, dehydrated and half insane, but he made it, and later wrote a book about it.

Another story that inspires me is the story of South Africa. The people of South Africa were dominated from 1652-1992 by a small minority of white settlers. Their story is so amazing. The native people were sometimes mowed down by machine guns, and it seems the government always had a plan to acculturate them into their society as a cheap workforce, especially after the discovery of gold and diamonds. They were dominated by the fierce curtain of apartheid. In a time of Martin Luther King, Jr. when we were worried about civil rights, the white South African government was still killing black South Africans for protesting their treatment in the streets. (and these were non-violent protests) But to see the videos of them singing about overcoming their treatment and how they would rise above it all, just signifies how much hope can do for people. Nelson Mandela, a pioneer for equal rights in South Africa, spent most of his life behind bars, writing for the liberation of his people. And one day the majority suffering succeeded, the world could bear witness no longer to such atrocities. The people said they would be shot over and over again, but they would work no more. Fear had no effect. They wanted freedom, and at that point, they had won their freedom.

Once the victory was achieved in the mind, it was a victory felt in reality. It is like "Redemption Song," by Bob Marley.

So many people just give up or get lazy. I see it so much in my hometown. But, I am given hope by those people who achieve so much.

I've seen a 65-year-old man run 10 miles a day and climb almost to the same ability I could, with bad arthritis in his fingers. He told me how he climbed the north face of Everest, and war stories of how they used to climb back in the day. He is someone that kept life interesting.

I've been lapped by old ladies while running in Boulder Canyon. haha. I mean I'm not a super-in-shape guy, but hey old ladies don't usually lap me. And I guarantee they stay in shape just because they want it that way.

So I say, if I want to keep things interesting, I will. Whether I am here in Illinois, Colorado or wherever else I might end up, it will be an adventure because I can make it that way. I'm tired of just letting things go because they might be too risky or others don't approve. I once said I would never be one to lose out because someone thought it was too crazy, and now I cement that promise once again. I will forever take chances. I will forever live on that razor's edge.

Win, lose or draw.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

A call from the Mojave.

Picked up the phone this morning to hear someone driving through the Mojave Desert. Apparently my bro flew into Cali. to see a friend and is coming to Illinois to spend Christmas.

I don't know whether I'm excited yet or not. It seems like a long time since I last saw him, but we never really do anything together. Last time we just went and saw a movie or something. It was kind of fun watching him pick up on this girl at KFC though. haha. I remember when we went to Six Flags during one of his trips back. That was a blast. It seemed like every moment got crazier and crazier and one of my cousins still begs me every year to go back. I plan on it every single year, but then never have the money because of school. - No school this summer.

I wonder when my very crazy side will come back. I think sometimes it is gone, but I know it isn't. Every single chance I have to be very crazy I always hold back. I always say, "This time, you have to be responsible. You can't afford to take such chances." But in the end, I always want to take them. In the end, I always wonder when my degree will be done and I can afford to take some more chances with my life. Who knows what I will really do after school is over. Right now, the plan is Peace Corps. I think that could be a pretty crazy time, and also make my life not seem so ordinary anymore. And I'll be doing something I've been wanting to do since I was in high school.

But who knows these things. I do need to take some chances soon though. I'm getting soft with my crazier side. Maybe this summer I'll totally do something crazy. I must remember I'm not going to have any money my senior year. And that is still number one on my list. - finishing school.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

boring days

I'm stuck in Taylorville.

I really don't know anyone here anymore so it as if I'm stuck in solitude. I have no idea why I ever come back here. I guess I was forced this time, but I'd rather be working the worst job than return here. I think sometimes if I am not careful with my life, I might get stuck here.

It is very depressing. I wonder where all my friends are ...

I miss the mountains even more when I am sedentary.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The start of a plan.

Well... I did very well this semester. No complaints.

But next semester, I have to try harder. I have so much to finish before I graduate next May. I still need to work on my French, build up my readings in economics, better understand what it is I'm going to do with my life, take the LSAT, volunteer at least 10 hours a month and develop the climbing club so it survives in the apathy that is sometimes SIU.

I have my place for next semester. It looks pretty good, and I'm pretty stoked about all the potential good times. My new roommate seems to a be a real upfront, honest guy who has some stuff figured out. So I don't think I"ll have any problems with him. His hopes are to climb every chance he gets. So I guess waking up and climbing next semester is going to be a good plan. I'll have 18 credits, and I hope to volunteer a whole lot more so I don't know how much climbing, but at least a day a week (at the very least.)

As for now, I'm stuck in the middle of this very flat state. I'm waiting for something fun to unwind. I have my doubts though. haha. I wake up in the morning about 5 a.m. and do a pretty intensive workout, go home take a shower and then off to the library to work on me smarts skills. And after I'm done with everything, another workout to cap off the night. I'm afraid being back in this desolate place will make me lazy, unwilling to work for what I want. So I have made it my time to study for the LSAT and read five or six books I've been meaning to read. I am hoping it will help me pass the time.

Someone told me before about an ancient greek saying, "As long as I breathe, I hope." I guess it could be true for me as well. Sometimes I am put into bleak situations, but if I think of all the times I've escaped, the chances I've taken soon after and all the great times I've had as a result. Then hope delivers me. It thwarts that ominous dark cloud of doubt and gives me wings so the fire inside swells and roars. One day it will get better, and my life will be more fullfilling. However for now, I must have hope. It is all I have sometimes.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

semester week

Semesters are upon me!

I have one B, and the rest A's. One tinkers on the edge though and only comes down to finals.

Stressed and partially sick, but the semester is done. Next semester I'll have my own place again. Thankfully, I might have a new computer as well.

We shall see.

"As long as I breathe, I hope."

Monday, December 05, 2005

unsettled unconscious

I was standing on a street corner feeling tense. Perspiration dripping down my face, my feet edged on the curb beside the road as my heart beat out of control.

Hearing a sound like a blast, I set off. My legs burned. I had been running so long, but I was still so far away from knowing. So, I ran on. Like a thirsty soul coming from the Sahara to find a crystal blue oasis, my head carried me further than my body could go. And I flung myself into the the sand of despair, knowing how close it was that I had to go. For I saw that sweet water and knew very well I could never touch it.

These dreams follow me into sweet nights. They follow me and burden my existence. I wish they would stop. Even more, I wish they weren't telling me something in my unconscious is troubled. What was I running after in the dream? - Answers to questions.

The night now is fast, swift to the point of bringing about utter darkness. The days are cold, and hope tastes stale. Being where I am, originality seems distant, and I am no old, veteran traveler. I am no closer to my dreams.

Frightening how much everything stays the same. The same streets. The same bars. The same people. The same conversations.

The same. No change. Idle feelings, emotions.

Cold. - The very word sends shivers down my spine. When I am cold, I am mechanical. No Id prevails, no superego dominates. It is all Ego. Mediocrity reigns.

At this pace, I shall never be happy. Maybe that is why my dreams worry me the most. I don't even know what I want. I just know I don't want to be here, stuck.

I need to dive into something and just forget. Only a short time to go, I can hold out.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Three weeks until ?

My mind seems so clear right now. My nerves are calm. I don't feel the anxiety I felt before. I don't feel this need to impress anyone or do anything that is not geared towards what I need to do. I also feel a better confidence within my abilities. One thought keeps pressing on my mind, "no worries."

I have a couple projects due soon, but I am pretty sure they will fall into place.

I think I will go to sleep tonight and get up extra early with a clear head on my shoulders.

Face the facts: No one lives forever. Stress, if we let it, will kill every dream. The only fools are the ones that quit too early. and - If I have Faith, I shall find my way.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


A 16-mile hike through Eldorado Canyon could not prepare me for the amount of food I shall eat today.

I will see family I haven't seen in years. And I will do it all above 10,000 ft.

It always feels better at higher altitudes.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


A line heard again and again: "do not what is easy, but do what is right."

And when I hear it, I am filled with such emotion, such passion. I want to burst out and scream and run in some direction to help someone, to do something worthy and make the choice myself, to turn down what is easy and do something right.

I do not doubt someday I will have this position to face, and it does not daunt me the slightest.

These past few days in the mountains were much needed. I have felt a huge weight lift from my chest as friendly faces embrace me with gestures of a better environment, a better message. I have driven through the mountains and been greeted by a girl transformed by only a couple months here. Always so sad in Illinois, she dreamt of the mountains. Now, she is here and I can see how much she has found herself. It reminds me of my first school year here.

I think it is standing in the grandeur of these jagged peaks that makes our hearts cry out for those inner ideals we believe in so much, as if society could not hold us back anymore. I know I have felt inspiration leave my side time and time again during the past few months, but it has awakened stronger than ever. It has been reborn in my mind.

I feel home when I am here and no one could know how much these mountains mean to me. They were my salvation after my father died, and the only thing that helped me to become a better man in the face of so much in high school. They were my "inner light" as Amy would say. I thought of living here so often it would almost break me daily.

These are some of my thoughts going through my mind right now, but more inner thoughts do prevail, and I am growing more towards who I really am every day. I know I am going towards what is right in life, and it does feel great. Those people who tell me I am crazy for doing what I do will never understand what it is like to see the bright sun outside of the box they live in. (metaphor)

Monday, November 14, 2005

Empty Christmas

Awww, that jolly good ol' time is approaching once again. Soon our materialistic society will explode, and it will be hard to avoid the onslaught of advertisers.

But I can't help think of it in another way.

I remember standing on lakefront in Chicago near Shedd Aquarium, the lights decorating houses on my trip up, the walk in dark near that unsettling river and holding a girl who meant a great deal to me. I kissed her with all the intensity held within my heart. I remember it sometimes as if it were yesterday. My passions overflowed within me and I could have given anything if the world would just let me be.

I remember sitting in St. Charles, Mo. going through the shops trying to find some gifts for a few special people. I chose to give my hard earned money to someone just for the simple thrill it would give me to see a smile on her face. The white horse with beautiful dark mane pulled a white carriage near the Missouri River. At that time, I sat across from it peering over the horse at all the people on the street and wondering if I could meet someone special enough to take in a carriage ride along the river.

I remember the trip I spent in Colorado. I remember my sister getting me drunk because I was upset at going back to Illinois a couple days early. I was very young then, but I still remember it with clarity.

Days long ago, I'd spend half the night awake hoping I might fall asleep and not wake up at dawn. But somehow I'd always wake up a few hours before my parents and sit impatiently in my room waiting for the sunrise to wake them. How great it was to have something to wait for, to have a new surprise waiting for you. It was always exhilarating for me.

Now, I say I have changed, but I have not. As the the holidays come closer, I have no one close to me. I think if I left it would not be so bad, but I would still walk and hope and wait for someone to come along. I'll take my small amount of money and buy the few people around me something they might like, and while I do I'll wish I was at another stage of my life. Christmas is always the hardest time to be single. I will, however, not rush into anything during the season because it means the most to me. I have been in very few relationships during Christmas (maybe two if not one.) It is the time I am the most optimistic and dream about having someone to just share a great love.

So as the time gets closer, I will get sappier. And then the New Year will come and nothing will have changed. I will be a little bit closer to graduation and real life. I think someday it will happen, but my hope does not rest in the present.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Heads or tails

Flipped a coin, and it said, no. So I called her anyway and asked her to study for LSAT together. She said, yes. With no romantic intentions, I think we shall start after Thanksgiving break.

I had a long drawn out conversation with a girl I know from campus Thursday. We were speaking about just making the best of things, and how Carbondale wasn't the place either of us really thought we'd end up, but we were trying to make it all it could be. I told her about my Peace Corps application and how I judged everything in my life by whether it could affect my dreams for the future. We both agreed that the people we bring into our lives should never keep us away from our futures. Instead, they should only inspire us to help us become better people and bring us closer to who we really are. - Not different people!

A lady at The Peace Corps said I have a pretty good chance of making it in. I imagine it will all come down to the interview, but I'm thinking it will go good, especially after they find out where I want to go.

I leave for Colorado very soon and am getting very antsy. I just want to get on the 777 so no one can stop me on my way. I can't wait just to be in the state again and SEE the mountains. I want to make sure they are still there with my own two eyes. haha.

Climbing club had a pretty rockin party Thursday night. There was dancing, jokes and people hanging out and having a great time. We all made asses out of ourselves, no haters though so it didn't matter. The next day we went out and showed some new people the basics, and now a few more people are addicted. I really love the idea of this club.

I remember so long ago when I would dream about climbing outdoors. It was such an chore just to find someone, and I tried all the time. I remember begging people just to take me out with them and even resorting to telling someone I had been climbing outdoors just to get outside. I ended up going up a 5.10 on my first time out and flashed it. It was at Golden and I still remember how happy I was just to be getting outdoors. I led my first climb on that day too. I didn't really care about the whole head game just because I was so happy just to be outdoors. I wish I could thank Matt for taking me. I remember when I left Colorado that we were planning on going on this crazy tour around the U.S. together. I hope he actually went and maybe someday I'll see him on a rockface somewhere, and we can speak about it.

That is the way it has been with my past. A lot of chances taken and so many good memories for it. Maybe that is why I feel so depressed sometimes here. I feel stagnant and no room for chance in my life. I can't wait until I get to get out in the real world. I want to be one of those people with a crazy story where I inspire people to be better than the world around them. I want to help people and become part of some great movement to change the world for the better. I don't care too much about making life a journey as long as it is an adventure. T'would be a great thing to live an adventure.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

A dream

I had a dream of a certain girl lastnight. It makes me want to call her. In fact, I badly want to call her, but I have no premise for doing so other than mentioning my dream.

In my dream, we were nothing more than friends. But I dreamt that I kissed her. She told me it was too soon and how I really couldn't care about her and walked away. In my dream, I just sat there confused and then woke up to my alarm going off. I know this might be my subconscious trying to convey my sense of timing with the ladies is way off, especially if I want something more secure and with a better footing from the start, but damn it I really want to call this girl just see what might happen.

I have known this girl since last spring when a friend introduced us, and she has even liked me at one point, but I was busy. I see her from time to time in the student center and always tell her I will call her, but never do. She reads many books and can converse in detail about philosophy and world events and the political idealism behind those world events. She has brown hair and glasses, and I have always secretly liked her. I have never had the courage to actually make anything of it though. Maybe tonight my hopeless romantic side will prevail, and I will succeed in discovering how far my dreams really stretch. haha.

Or I might just flip a coin, go to a meeting and call it a night and say hello to tomorrow. Sometimes I think I make life way too complicated.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The setting

The setting sun shimmers. Golden, tangerine leaves paint a picture on swinging branches as well as the across the ground. The warm wind blows fiercly spreading the leaves across the ground and through the air. Night time comes quickly, but sitting outside reading a book as the sun sets or simply staring out and watching the leaves move in various directions, I notice maybe Carbondale is not all that bad.

When I leave, I know I shall miss this place for everything that I remember. I will be quick to forget all the bad. We are only held back by the memories we decide to keep about a certain place. Even though I know Carbondale has held me back, it has made me stronger, and in the long run I will embrace the experiences I had here.

I found a part of my journal I had while in high school. I could not have recalled the horrible times I spent pining about Colorado, or my life after high school. I had many high hopes. I know these high hopes went again on hiatus as I left school in Colorado to pursue a more fiscally responsible education. Yet, with all these memories refreshed, I still remember much more clearly of the times I spent bailing hay, riding my horse, climbing at the Silo, hanging out at the mall, or various trips with friends or the soccer team. I still remember all that. I don't forget that bad stuff, but it does not suit me to always think about it.

As I sit here writing, the sun has begun to dissipate. The leaves are losing their luster and the sky begins to shrink back and fall into darkness. The air seems to become cooler, if not at first it eventually will. The wind may pick up or it might die down, but all the beauty held there in a few moments will surely be remembered as I walk anywhere tonight. Do I often forget all this as the sun goes down about all the beauty that existed in the presence of the sun. Just because I cannot see the beauty does not mean it is still not there to be celebrated.

So in all of this I have started to lose and regain the parts most important to me. I feel I have left it too much to the people that surround me constantly and not enough to myself. I have been bent on how people perceive me for quite some time, even though it was not a big part of my life growing up. I have changed in school and sometimes, as in Carbondale, I have forgotten I have returned to that part of the country which I left so long ago as a choice.

I cannot think of it too highly, yet I can rejoice in the beauty I find here. I also must remember from whence I came and to what point I will eventually end up. So many times our paths are blocked by the setting of the sun. It does not mean that I will not go down that path, in the dark, and find myself closer when the sun rises again. I know I will not stop along my path and when I find myself again on my path, I will be that much closer.

Monday, October 24, 2005


Distracted as I am, I do not forget those things most important.

I called my sister Linda yesterday. She confirmed I had a place to stay in Colorado during break. It felt good to hear her voice, and she said she was doing better. I asked Ryan to go with me. Today, he will either turn me down, in which case I'll buy a plane ticket, or he will say yes, and I'll make arrangements for the drive. Either way, I will go.

I started seeing a new girl. We have already broken it off, but feelings are still present, at least with me. The whole thing confused me. It started great, and then it was as if I could do nothing right. So, I broke it off thinking she could just do better. I have been given clues that one of my friends likes her, but maybe it is just a mechanism called confirmation bias. It is built of schemas (or blueprints) in our mind. If I expect everything to go wrong, my mind will find reinforcements. It is not as if my friend isn't an awesome friend, or this girl is not a very nice, smart, beautiful girl. It is just I am weary. I want to keep both of them simple, and I do not like the unforeseen drama that could occur.

I know. I know. I'm thinking too much and life isn't flowing.

However, I still feel very scared for what happened last time. I still see Charlotte from time to time, and it is almost as if the anger in her heart is just as fierce as ever. She says she is still afraid, but I always have wondered how much anger is really there. I do not want to go that route with the people currently in my life. So if I have to back off and be cold for a while, accept my place as a student, friend and colleague only and create an existance where hope lives in the future, I will.

Too much hangs in the balance, and I have no reason to take risks right now. I will have plenty of time for risk in the future.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Fairweather Friend

There is a song by All (Fairweather friend) that I often listen to.

Hey How You Been Nice To See You Again My Fairweather Friend
It's To Cool To See A Face From Way Back When My Fariweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
How Do You Do What Can I Do For You My Fairweather Friend
Better Use Me Up Now While I'm Still Of Use My Fairweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
Don't See You Around Here Anymore
I Really Don't The Have Time For You My Fairweather Friend
Don't Want To Have To Be Nice To You My Fairweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
Don't See You Around Here Anymore
I Really Don't Have Time For You My Fairweather Friend
Don't Want To Have To Be Nice To You My Fairweather Friend
There's No Room In My Life For You My Fairweather Friend
Time To Say Goodbye To You My Fairweather Friend - ALL

I first heard this song in high school and have found it is really true at times. Everyone wants you around while you are riding high, but when something happens, you really find out who your real friends are. I am not saying you treat everyone like crap and hope they stay around you, but some people just leave and you never see them when things start getting to you. I've heard words such as "downer," "negative," "pessimist," etc... but in truth, maybe people are just having a bad time and you should try to help them.

Things are pretty damn good for me right now. I often wonder, however, if things weren't who would walk away so fast? I know I haven't heard from one of my friends in a super long time. I haven't made any attempts to call him, but hey, he has a phone too. I felt sick lastnight and someone made a comment that made me seem always negative. I have my fears about a whole bunch of things right now, so maybe I should just live life and forget about it. I'll figure out who is true and who is not. I'm sure there will be those fairweather friends.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Looks like tonight will be an all-nighter. My midterm is due tomorrow and I want to throw this into a kind of decent story. Tonight caffeine is my friend. I enjoy its company.

I was interviewing the spokeswoman for the university today and a funny thing happened. I got a job! I have no idea how. I am going to do public relations articles for the university. My resume coming out college isn't going to be too bad at all. I was just casually talking to her after our brief interview and she offered me a job. Pretty crazy. I then called Laura, and she totally has had some really good luck as well. It is funny how so much is being pushed outside the box right now. It is incredible how alive I feel.

I held out from those who wanted me to succumb to mediocrity. And you know what? It is totally paying off. I now have a job that helps me in what I am doing. I am getting my financial stuff taken care of the best I can. Next week, I determine whether all will be settled or not.

I sat down and prayed in St. Francis Xavier at Saint Louis University Sunday. On my knees before God, I said a million thank you's for everything in my life. I said thanks for all the sorrows, hardships, pain, good times and amazing experiences. I thanked God for making me who I am today. I am so thankful sometimes that I am tested. It makes it so much more worth it when everything starts to turn around. I have been tested so many times, and I still go towards the good things in life. I never really turn my back on them no matter how much I am discouraged to do something else.

Not everything is perfect, but something has changed. A question I posed a long time ago has been answered, and now my life is my own. I will succeed. I no longer wonder. I would place all bets on me. If it were a million to one, I still believe I'd have the upper hand. I am not trying to sound cocky. I am just starting to really believe in myself.

- I have seen the blue sky among the white tipped mountains. I have put my feet in crystal clear streams while the hot sun soothes my heart. I have worked hard, thirsting for more, until collapse. I have seen what this world has to offer, and all it can take away. I have seen truth and beauty, and it is great.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

In turmoil, I find an oasis

Something really crazy happened. It happened, and I'd rather not talk about it. I'd rather just show everyone through actions what it means to me.

I won't say that I didn't think it would happen. I could just say I didn't think it would happen now, here. It is written in my journal. I won't try to say more than I know right now.

I just know I'm happy. I'm happy in Southern Illinois. Who would've thought? Pretty crazy, eh?

It is like seeing the world refreshed, respirited.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

A wait through next week.

A putrid taste stagnates in my heart. I have been left with so much on my plate right now with finances or lack there of, I nearly feel burnt out.

I'm still not over what my brother said to me. How could I be? I don't even know how to react to it, and maybe I just don't want to until I really start to breathe. I know he is right about some of the family, but I won't believe it for all. I am grateful for everything anyone has ever done for me, but the people I was talking about really haven't done anything. He might cite something if I have forgotten, but I just can't recall anything. Talk is cheap to me. It NEVER works for me.

I met a crazy cool girl, but my hopes on anything happening are diminishing with my dying ambition. We have a lot in common, but I don't think she even sees me for the fact I'm always so worried about everything else in my life. I also have to deal with an X telling me how horrible I am for this blog. I guess I see why it was good for me to get out in the first place. I forgot how everything I used to do was horrible. Freedom to act goofy or telling the truth without offending? - Who in the hell is that for? (Yeah I have no fucking clue either.)

My friend is helping me, but I still want that loan. I wouldn't be taking away from anyone then. I would just be making a promise to not fail in life. I'd like to think I'm pretty good for that.

I really need this weekend. I really want next week to be over. I really want to go out, at least one day, and tackle as many lead climbs as possible. I want to feel insecure and foolish on a route and still keep going. I want to take falls and feel some sort of exertion. I have not been hard enough on myself lately in that aspect. I no longer feel really alive. I just keep waiting for something to happen to me in an everyday sense, but nothing does. I no longer write for the Daily Egyptian. I no longer have any relationship that makes me feel loved. I haven't taken long road trips and haven't seen a good band since Flogging Molly in Orlando.

I talk about not being myself, but I am. I feel shitty right now just for that reason. I lost my car and now I feel trapped. I might try to fool myself, but I feel like I've been abandoned somewhere. I feel like all the adventure is over. I had no intention for every adventurous aspect to go out of my life. Give me one great adventure! That's all I want right now. It could be a trip to the bars gone totally goofy. I really don't care!

I need to do something this weekend. I'm hoping for great weather and a good climbing partner. All the guys are going to Kentucky. I hope I can find a good climbing partner who stays. Bryant seems up for something, and it would be nice to do some good lead climbing with him for once. I haven't even taken a lead fall with him, and I trust him a great deal. Crazy!

I guess I'm just getting soft. - Something that must be remedied.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I couldn't see the sky.

For a while, I began to stare at my dark muddy path. I fixated on the pain in my legs while trying to move. I lost hope as movement stopped. I prayed, but I never looked up. I cried and only added water to quickening mud.

If I had only seen the sky. If I had only looked up. If only ...

I may have seen the bright blue atmosphere or birds floating in the sky. I might have seen white clouds or a mist rising from the ground. I may have witnessed giant puffy white walls forming in the sky before the rain.

I prayed so hard and so long. "I will not walk away from the truth I've seen in this world,"I cried.

Many around me told me to give in. Not many believed in me. They barked names like lazy and selfish. At a time when I felt most threatened, many walked away. Many could not understand, would not understand my plight. They did not know how threatened I felt. My feet were giving way. I did not know what to do. However, I held on. I said something must happen. My faith had not given way just yet.

As long as it took to solve this problem, it went just as quickly.

My friend has reminded me of a quality I once possessed, lost and now reclaimed -True optimism. I never even asked for help. I never even hoped for it in such a way. I have noticed my friends know me more than my family ever could. It seems I have always been closer to my friends. I wonder why I never put the true importance on them.

Amy wrote me an e-mail tonight showing how much she cared also. My old friends have seen a side in me few others have. I hope to show my greatest side to many many people someday.

I have been so caught up with this idea of family, but in reality, it was only a word. My true family has always been there and never left my side. They were those who hurt because they couldn't help me. They were the ones who stayed by my side, gave me words of hope. The others now lay behind a wall. I do not understand their meaning of family. It is not a quality I want in my life.

It feels very weird to look around me now. It feels as if I have just gotten into college again. I must discover this and forget the transgressions so far on my path.

I have two degrees to work on, three more semesters left in school and a dean's list to keep.

Please, strength, stay with me until the end. I can only get stronger.

Friday, September 30, 2005

The struggle begins

Words spoken in anger are lost. They do not understand me. We are not close. We are not the same. I will not perpetuate that circle. I am silent.

I will pursue what I need. They will not stop me.

I will find a way - with or without them.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Give me a chance.

The sun came out that day. Clouds could not break its course. The mysterious night offered no discouragement. It peaked out over the valley, and not one thing offered any resistance ... on that day.

But then there were days the darkness did not subsist. It was not mysterious or bold or enlightening. No sun shone out. Not one cloud mattered in this pitch black void. At first, creativity might have soared. The mysterious darkness for a time might have felt nice. But a glance later and one might have noticed a loss. Whether a loss of character, soul or simple choice in the matter of the two, the loss was transparent for all to see. The soul bitterly held on. The heart pulled from the core. All tearing away at something internal, nonrenewable. Not conquered yet, not buried too far under, it held on while crumbling into its nonexistence.

Something pure once stood out basking in the sun. It basked and hoped and prayed for a good encounter with life. It told the world to hold on (it would help all it could.) Swept away in a flurry of chance encounters and bad choices were the days of young charismatic energy.

But time slowed, darkness came and slowly everything pure crumbled away. A dust settled out on the ground. All pureness dwindled with the passing of the breeze. The darkness encroached into the core till a time when nothing more existed.

I went and prayed today. Weak as I was, I feel even weaker now. No one can help me, and I feel I have no paths to turn down. Someone said today it was good I had to learn everything this way. "Your children will never have to suffer." - No I feel they won't. That is, if I feel I might someday be strong enough to raise children of my own. So for now, I go on weak as I was and weaker growing everyday. My grades will be A's. I swear by it. My life might crumble away, but I will stay true to what I have said to be my main purpose this year. Two choices could save me: military or drop-out. Neither seem viable. So why is the easiest solution blocked? Am I fated for so much pain in order to succeed? I will not ever believe success to be unattainable.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

The Rain

With great strides, unlimited impressions glide through my soul. The days often glare at me. The nights often tear into a quickening heart. A heart beating, pounding, pulsating to be somewhere adventurous, fun - living again with some added sense of purpose.

My mind sits fastidiously on the brink of a never ending journey that is college. I sit on the brink of this neverending dream. Days do not float by when my mind sits translucent to everyone, showing the pain my face delivers. Yet, when I relax, calm myself and think, my simple mind creates a passion for the little things, and I move on.

However, I cannot and will not forget. I will never forget the memories of what is true and fresh and glorified in my mind. I cannot forget the purity I have seen in people long past. I will not forget the friends that come and go into my life. My life, a journey of unforgiving romances and helpful friendships, will never be sour or barren.

My goals pound on the windows of my mind like rain. They soothe me to know they are still there. And when I immerse myself in them, they pour out onto my skin and give my soul a freshness, and I move on. My pulse pounds when I feel like this. My lungs breathe in the cool moist air.

I exhale the mist held in and relax.

I can wait a little longer. It will make me want it more.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


I have had many excuses to be so negative lately, but no reason.

Like a boulder rumbling down the side of a mountain, my life often gets a little out of control. But I really do ask for it. I tend to put anything and everything that is important to me on my plate. If no one else seems to want to do it, good! I will just do it myself.

So then I get upset when other simpler things go wrong in my life and I have no time to solve them. My time is a commodity, but I must not lose faith in what I am trying to accomplish. I am without a car, computer or cell phone right now, but that does not stop who I am. I am also at a school that only challenges me when I push myself well beyond my classes, but that will only add to who I am.

If we always treat burdens as hindrances in our lives instead of the building blocks of human strength, we will forever be in the depths of our despair. Greatness, I believe, comes from the inner ability of human nature to rise above the negative emotions of our existance. Show me a great man that cries constantly, and I will tell you he is no great man. Show me a man that smiles and laughs even in the midst of so much trouble in this world, a man that brings light into a world of darkness, and I will tell you that he is a great man.

I must remember these words. With all the specific troubles I have overcome in my life, it has only led me to appreciate the world around me so much more. I have, in essence, become better for the wrongs and the unfortunate circumstances forced on me. I would not trade these for all the world, and even when I wish that one day things might get better, I cannot help but smile knowing that with every breath a new day is just around the corner.

I am stressed and tired, but very hopeful about the strength within my heart. As a friend of mine said to me "light beats the darkness everytime."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Intern. Talk Like a Pirate Day

How could I have forgotten!

Avast ya salamanders! Ya land lubbas! Da Men dat be swabbin the deck tonight! and da ladies dat be as lovely as the sea!


Today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day.... YARRR!!!

My pilgrimage

Life changes constantly.

Man improves himself as he follows his path; if he stands still, waiting to improve before he makes a decision, he'll never move. - Paulo Coelho

So what is college to me then? Is it truly the path or is it me "standing still" waiting to improve before I make that decision.

I must do something. I must force myself to work harder or straighter than I have been working. I wait and wait to become better, but never know how good I really am. I am so afraid of failure that it keeps me stationary. Fear and waiting have become my undoing.

I think, "Later I will solve my problems. Later I will submit my short story for publication. Later I will submit a piece to a magazine. Later, when I have more behind me, will I start my application process to the Peace Corps."

I have, in fact, waited so long and wanted it so badly that failure does not scare me so much anymore. I think sometimes I'd rather fail trying than sit here a minute longer. I know I need this damn degree to show to everyone, but a million times over I wish I was in a more positive learning atmosphere than this school. The times when I am truly stimulated seem to be when I am away.

No more sitting around. No climbing shoes until things are done. I want my short story to go so I have to make it happen. I want to start logging some of the volunteer hours I have been doing. I need to get the flyers for the Bioneers done today. Need to start a project to work on my French. Climbing club agenda needs to be organized. I need to stop stressing and just get the things done that I need to get done. They are not hard. They are not impossible.

In words only one friend might get right now. I need to grab the rope, hold on and take the plunge. (Yelling at the top of my lungs all the while.)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A good day to rain

Just now, I was singing in the rain.

I wonder if I am just the same as I ever was, not lost but just displaced. Amy told me that I am trying to accomplish too much, and I should find out what is REALLY important and just pursue it and be happy.

I have goals, and I have dreams. But goals never make me happy until they are accomplished. Then I move on and discover my next one.

But dreams are another story. I dream so often about so much. Stuff other people take for granted. I don't dream about being an attorney fighting for the little people, changing the world because then it would never happen. That is a goal. Goals, if we work hard enough, are always possible.

Dreams are stuff only the luckiest people get.

(I think as a kid I watched too many Disney movies.)

I believe in an existance where the people surrounding me have beautiful souls. The love of my life walks in and I just find the right words to say to sweep her off her feet. I am so bold and daring that she could never love another, and it would be true. The last part is crucial. How I have heard the words "I could never love another." and those words were never true on her part. I think back to that point, but I am not bitter. For it is my unfateful decision that made it so.

I think at other times I am just foolish. My goals tell me I cannot have my dreams yet. My goals are very important and are practical.

Dreams or goals?

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

No lyricist, but here is my song.

I talked to some fellow journalists in Pakistan today as part of a video conference. I sat there thinking of how human everyone really is and how skewed some people's views are. This song followed me on the way out. I am no lyricist, but I've been sitting here playing with the words.

Believe in me.
Hope for me.
Pray with me
Cause I just want
to help your cause
and find a way
to see past this whole mess of things

fight for me, as I fight for you
and I will believe in you
as you believe in me.
and we will stand
fighters for
peace and freedom
love and hope
and all that's true

Pray for me
I know we differ
but we are still
fighters for peace
and freedom

It is tough for me
it is tougher for you
no one seems to care

so care for me
I do care for you
and we will stand

fighters for peace and freedom
Hope and love will see us through.

I have to go talk to some people from the Risk Management office because some lady seems to think people have died climbing here. It is a small-town mentality that creates these kinds of rumors. I have never heard of anyone ever dying while rock climbing here. Sure, I have heard of some crazy, drunken, wreckless souls who have fallen off cliffs, but never with proper safety gear. I hope to make my case. I really hope to inspire some people to really care about this group also. It could be so great for Southern Illinois. It could help so many people find what I find in climbing - a lifestyle, a mentality, a sense of achievement and accomplishment and a purpose to stay healthy.

I shall try to do much before my time is up here. I know the pressure will be great, but only through beating back my fears will I ever accomplish anything worth remembering.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

A club to help pass the time.

Tension and stress build, but the gratification will be priceless.

I have sat around waiting for someone to feel inspired enough to start this climbing club, but in the end, I just started it myself. I have been working nonstop to meet the ever-approaching Sept. 15 deadline. Now, with one more signature, all will be complete.

Where are you Matt?

I have much hope for this club. I feel it will be a lot of fun, and it will help many people in Carbondale in finding things to do - other than just hitting up the bars. Maybe it could help influence Princeton Review to not list us as the fourth fattest school in the nation. Climbers - at least the good ones - never seem to be fat.

I start projects now. I finish projects. I always have had this fear of starting things that I cannot finish. I must pursue until my goal is accomplished. The bad thing about this whole mindset is my attitude in relationships, of course. I never know when to back off and always doubt myself afterward. (as was the case with Charlotte - a brutal episode which cost me more than my fair share of face.) I think I left the Daily Egyptian in good time though. I am getting stuff done and my grades seem to be at a constant A average.

Phew. I miss sleep.

I am also wondering about whether to leave for U of I this weekend. I have to call two of my friends Tyler and Kate to see what is going on. I really would like to get out of this town for even a weekend - to know it is a possibility. But in reality -

I would like to feel the ocean around my ankles and hear the waves crashing on the shore. I would like to feel the wind ripping around me as I sit on some lonesome peak thousands of feet from the ground. I'd like to meet someone I've never met and I'd like to see something I've never seen. I wish to be more than who I am right now and aspire to be more than I ever thought I could be. I just need a chance.

Three more semesters ... I just hope my heart can remember what is true a bit longer.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

How oblivious I have been.

How oblivious I have been.

I walked into Carbondale. I decided then it would be good. I decided no matter what my world would change and I must embrace everything beautiful about my new place. I looked for beauty everywhere and searched for it within every single person.

How oblivious I have been.

I found myself a long time ago. Since then I have been lost. I have thrown myself into too much. I have given my friendship to too many people. Here, in Carbondale, I do have true friends, yet they are few and far and with their own agendas. So, I thought, I am a good guy. I shall find a nice girl in Carbondale. Maybe Fate would deliver me.

How oblivious I have been.

So why do I search eyes now? Why do I find it interesting to search for the very best in a girl and hope maybe there is more? Why would I think so highly of even the girls who really don't care? Why would I have not noticed until now how pointless it all has been?

How oblivious I have been.

So there was a switch in myself. I found myself at a table drinking sweet wine and conversing with two lovely girls and a new friend. We laughed and told each other such things only brought about by fresh air, beautiful countryside and red wine. What an amazing time! But I left that day knowing and simply knowing it was all in vain. Everyday is just a day here for me. My future must wait in the distance.

How oblivious I have been.

I must be single for myself right now. I must look away and focus for now. I must await what I know is true and respect it as I do all the other qualities in my life. I have faith and a true belief. If I keep going at this pace of hope in Carbondale, I will surely be bled dry. So for now I am an island. For now, I am and will be...

happily alone.



Thursday, September 08, 2005

The way things go.

So I went on a drive tonight, a rather short one. I could feel the wind flowing around my face and dancing upon my skin. I remembered how each road trip felt, singing at the top of my lungs until I had no voice. I thought of Colorado and the long hauls made in that direction. I thought of the drive to and from Pennsylvania and Florida. I thought of the way Charlotte would laugh and throw her head out the window to feel the wind in her hair. Nostalgia crept up on me as I thought of being pulled over by a police officer and Melissa massaging my shoulders while telling me all would be OK. Many, many memories. Yes, I guess this is a whole new phase in my life that I am entering. My independence has been cut partially short, though not entirely. I feel caged and trapped here in Carbondale. However, I might be able to afford a plane ticket out soon with a little effort on my own part. I have to use the all of my abilities in finding a means of escape. I believe Fate might give me a way.

Again, I dive into responsibilities in order to forget the world around me. I figure if I do enough good in this world, my karma might just start to change. My cell worked enough to call two people lastnight - Erinn being one of them, but then immediately stopped working again. I also found my short story I have been working on. Phew!

I guess things have leveled out. Someone offered me a free bike yesterday, and I was promoted head of public relations for the Bioneers Satellite Conference here in Carbondale. I take that as a huge responsibilty. It might also look good on an resume.

The climbing club has been slacking since my computer crashed, but I swear it will be written up tomorrow. I'd do it tonight if not for a big test I have in pyschology. I still have to find time to go by the Boys and Girls Club. Rotaract Club will be starting some of their service projects as well.

With all of this going on, I wish someone might bring a little color into my life.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Fall at SIU so far

When things can't get any worse, wait and watch the downward spiral continue until nothing is left. I never thought it could get to this point, but it has, and now I am left for worries.

In the past three days, I have lost my computer, cell phone and car. No music, my stories gone, no one can call me, I can call no one and I am very much - more than ever - trapped. I am again the poorest I have ever been. I have no one and no one has me. I am not strong enough to care about anyone at the this point. Maybe that is why I do not feel so much pain. I know I am not strong enough to bear it all, or maybe I feel too worried that if I try, I shall fail - and horribly fail at that.

One cannot question Fate however. I was meant to suffer this semester for some reason or another. I really wish at this point I knew why. I do know my grades will not suffer in the process and my friends shall bear no bad affections from me. I shall just be alone for the time being. I will be alone until I figure out how I might come about the neccessities of college life today. I do not need a cell phone or a car, but my computer has been vitally important.

I constantly think of how good it felt to be away from Illinois. A writer once said if you follow your own personal legend the world will open up before you. It will bend to make it possible to go where you must. I really do believe that. I believe maybe I have strayed from my path and maybe this is some weird omen sent to capture me and deliver me back.

Right now, I am full of questions no one can answer. I am at a point where no one will help and I must be strong. My whole life has been about these circumstances, and still I believed maybe I didn't need to be alone. Maybe I believed sometimes I could have fallen and someone might have picked me up off the ground. But I very well know the truth, and sadly enough Angie was right. I hate to say what I only thought was so horrible of a thought before. But she was.

We only have ourselves to make us who we are, and no one along the way will help us. If we fail, we fail by our own designs and our own admissions into this world. If we fail, it is not society's fault, or our parent's or anyone else's- just ours. So I must remember in the words someone once said if I have need of a helping hand - I have two right in front of me.

Friday, September 02, 2005

How could I make things more dangerous?

To live dangerously - That is what I really yearn for.

I want to be in danger, live progressively, create memories, find my future, never hold back and be bold. Maybe that is why it tears me apart to be here, knowing I can't leave. What if I just get into a slump where I don't go anywhere? Does trapped now mean trapped later?

My birthday went rather well, some good conversations. I would have rather been climbing all day or taken some big trip to Colorado. Haha. (like that could have been possible.)

I called Lynsi on my birthday and asked her to come and hang out. I believe she responded to one of my friends that I did not care anything about her, but that is clearly not true. I just thought this way would just work out and no one would be really hurt. I really hope she wasn't.

I haven't spoken to Erinn for nearly a month now it seems. When I told her I wasn't coming out, she stopped speaking. Clearly, I was right about if I did not take the trip. It seems to me that I must get away, secure some finances somehow. I'm letting my stress drag into other areas. It is not helping me.

Today, I woke up, felt uncentered and walked with Sobee (Indian girl down the hall that I'm friends with) to the immunization office. I guess she felt uncomfortable walking alone. It is all good. Walking back, I thought "hey that girl is cute. I wonder if I could talk to her." So I got another number and said I'd call her sometime. We also had breakfast together. However, it wasn't enough. It never is.

Maybe I'm just too much of a poet. Who knows? But I am way too young to be giving up on things now. ;-).

Monday, August 29, 2005

I shall never succumb.

Sometimes, late at night, I cry just for the simple piece of mind that comes with not failing.

I feel as if I carry this great burden. My grandfather turned down medschool at Vanderbilt. My father deserted in Vietnam. I've heard until that time my family was very prominent. A family full of doctors, lawyers and prominent farmers. I have even heard that I am a descendant of a general, but I have not checked it out.

So I have to wonder what is within me. Do I have what it takes? Or am I rather destined to fail like the two generations before me?

It is one day before my 22nd birthday. I am tense and nervous. I do not know what to expect. I wish I could treat it as any other day, but it is a day when I really will start to reflect on what I've achieved in the last year. I fear it is not enough. I know I will begin to push myself even more now.

Also, I fear feeling alone. It seems no matter who I am with, I always feel alone. Maybe it is all in my mind, but lately birthdays have been a very depressing time.

I guess all I can do is have hope. I finish all I can finish and do all that I can every day. I don't stop until I'm exhausted. I don't waste time. I don't dig my head in the sand and hope the problems just go away, but I can only do what I can.

I miss being adventurous. I can't wait until I'm done with my undergrad. I have a feeling it will be the hardest time in my life. I have no finances for school, so I'm continually stressed out. I am also caught in a part of the country where I feel trapped - never allowed to leave.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Let it go...

I realized today that one of my worst fears is not being able to have any control over my own life at times. It is a pretty scary concept for me. I realized when I start to fall on a lead climb, I cannot just let go and take the fall. I always need to know I"ll have some way to protect myself from its consequences.

But such is life and such I must learn. I must learn to just let go with trust in my heart that everything will end up okay.

I worked today trying to get my internet hooked up but with no avail. I went up to see if Ryan wanted to go get something to eat and he was hanging out with Caitlin. I just felt like I was getting in the way. He called about going climbing tomorrow - maybe he felt bad. My schedule is too busy though. Today was pretty much the one day I might have had. It is okay though. However, I can just imagine how our friendship is going to be - scattered, infrequent. But that is also okay. I understand he has priorities the same as I do.

Later, I called a girl I like. I asked her to go to the movies, which is pretty untypical for Monday nights, but I thought what the hell. I might as well try. She shot me down, but sounded like she might want to do something. I need to find more stuff to do in Carbondale. I don't know though. She always seems to want to do something around her roommate. It makes me uneasy and awkward like I'm being watched. She also never seems to want to leave her house. Or maybe it is just me. I have a tough time reading the girls I like. It just seems like too much trouble sometimes.

No one wanted to go climbing yesterday either. I've met three new climbers so far. But I still value my old friends too much and trust them too much with climbing. I wanted to go with them. I guess I'm just being a little childish and should just find a new partner.

It is only the beginning of school. I knew there would be some kinks. I still have a good feeling about this year.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I awake.

Agonizingly, I crawl down from bed - each step, one step closer to silencing a ringing alarm.

Then I focus. I stretch my arms and legs and walk down the hall to a room with a nice 16th floor view. I sit down and concentrate. I focus on where I am, right now. I focus on the present and remember who I am and what I am trying to do. I focus on all that has happened since the last time I sat down. My mind finds this zone and I lose myself.

Before I notice, half an hour has passed. I feel centered. I leave.

My focusing in the morning might have something to do with the fact I started to cry in church today. When something bad happens, I become cold. So when Carrie died, my heart cried out and then began to chill. When I was told I couldn't go out to see the mountains, I became a little colder. And when I found that I was still seen as dependent upon someone who clearly cannot support me through college, my heart sunk down and only my will kept it alive. I never lost hope, but my heart clearly could not speak for everything it wanted to say. It might have been too painful.

Now, it starts to speak again. It wants to seek something. It wants to do something with all of its ability.

I worked my body to the point of collapse lastnight. It now feels good to feel the soreness in my muscles.

As I begin to focus on my own life, I would only invite those in that would not derail what I'm trying to accomplish. I want those good in heart and purpose to be part of my life. I want those that speak of truth and uncompromising principle to find a good place. I want those people that need help to come to me. I do not want the callous anymore. I could not handle the fake. Let them go and be with others. I shall not go and seek anyone like this.

This year is a year to prove my own self worth. If I focus and use the resources God gave me, I shall begin to see my entire potential. I would really like to see that.

I think if I could even realize my entire potential just once, I would never lose confidence in my abilities ever again. But who knows... one must have goals.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


So I'm broke. No biggie. A time will come when I am not anymore.

So I have three semesters left. Not a prob. A time will come when I'll have my undergrad, and if I work hard enough, I should get into a pretty good law school.

There shouldn't be anything to be excited about this year, except a lot of hard work and various projects.

But I'm very excited. I'm excited over this mystery I've put into my life. I did something crazy one day (I know. Quite a surprise.) and it has resulted in an unexpected meeting for this Fall. I wonder how it will go. Will it be one hour, one minute taken from my life? Will it be a couple months? Will it result in a lifetime friendship or something more?

We are masters of our own future.

I think it has a lot to do with the way we see things. I've taken a lot from this summer, surprisingly. I never thought I would, but maybe having things get really hard just makes me better. Or maybe I just hung out with the right friend all summer. Maybe I finally saw that some girls just definitely aren't worth it, and I should trust my first thoughts on things.

Or maybe the Dean's list just makes it all worth it.

I have to say, I like who I am. However, I do not like where I am.

This year, I'm going to make the best out of it though. I am going to find the things that will not only make it bearable, but beautiful also. I want to search myself and become a better person.

I have my list of priorities. I have my goals. I have my wits about me.

Gotsta get a move on though.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Clouds and haze.

Everything I want must be earned. I will never get a break and it will make me strong. I realize that nothing is free in this life. I will strive on.

I must.

I have overcome so much so far. It has brought me down time and time again, but not this time. I will not buckle. I will not cry. I will smile.

At one point, I wanted my life to be so complicated. I wanted independence and hardships. I wanted to overcome some great obstacle. I begged for it. I wanted something to make me stronger. And now here I am, agonizing over my every word.

Clouds and haze block my path. They create another world for me. One filled with mystery and hardships at every point. I am really alone in my struggle. For even those helping me along couldn't lift this burden. I could have made a mistake on my way, but instead it is just what society says I should be that hurts me so much. They see no mistakes, yet I see so many.

Today, I am overcome by the grief of an unexpected surprise. One that was never supposed to come. It will make this year very hard on me. I really do believe I shall be alone through my undergrad now. It will make me strong and I will be able to look upon the smaller things with great emphasis and delight. My life will be fuller in the long run.

My soul will convey a great symphony into the world. It will not stop at a single beat.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Milk Chocolate and Beer!

Nothing happens here in Taylorville, or at least I allow nothing to happen for me.

I went to a bar lastnight with some friends. I saw two things. I first saw a girl I had a crush on all through high school, now just a fleeting thought of how pretty she is and how she didn't interest me, and second, a couple in a fight too splintered with emotion for anyone to have a chance of breaking it up. The guy was insecure. He feared what was not there. Everyone could see it was not there, except the guy. It was awkward, and I just wanted to slap him in the face and tell him to wake up. Wake up like I had never done when it happened to me. I wish I could have had a lesson plan in my previous relationships or maybe a little booklet on what to watch out for. As novice I was wreckless, my mistakes should have never hurt anyone.

I had two dreams lastnight. Two dreams which compelled me to write. They were interwoven together but with nothing in common.


A big city. Skyscrapers rushed over my head. Everything turned with the wind. It was a feeling as if I was confused and looking around in every direction trying to find my way. The kind right before I fall down, dazed and unsteady. I had a friend with me. I could not now recall his face, but I knew I trusted him.

We walked through the middle of town to my apartment. I looked behind me and saw a narrow figure block out the sun. He was a knight wearing red with a huge steel cross painted on his chest. He was narrow, but in heighth had to reach 30 ft.

My friend and I both turned and ran. Beside us, splintering shafts of wooden spears burst against the ground. My friend turned. I stopped to look back. One wooden spear launched directly at him burst off his shield. He turned and ran again. I turned and ran also. But as I ran, I thought of the shield and how my friend had nothing to fear. So why was he running, turning his defenseless back to this monstrous, spear-throwing knight?

His glance caught mine and I knew too well. I was the reason. I had no shield and obviously he turned and ran with me, rather than fight.

I snapped. I just couldn't take it. I had no shield, but I ran straight back to the knight. I carried a sword and swung it heavily upon his legs. A spear came down on me. I felt the pain in my shoulder. It seered down my back. I started to climb the giant knight using my sword. I kept feeling the pain from the spears, but kept climbing. I don't know what kept me going, but I just kept going. I got to the top and with one lash of my sword I brought him back down to my height.

I now felt myself back on the ground. The knight was laying on the ground and I standing over him. He had cold gray eyes. Eyes with no emotion. Standing over him, I could see my reflection now old and weary where I had once been so young and brave. My body was brittle and I had used up everything trying to conquer this monster. As he layed there beaten, I just left. I knew that he wasn't a threat to me now so what's the use.

And as in dreams, time flowed very fast. I was now at my apartment. I opened the door to a friend coming to pick me up for something. He looked the same except for the cold gray eyes I knew once so well. I was now old and a brittle in actual years. He grabbed me and tried to squeeze the life out of me, but I fought back and he could not do it. I pushed him back into the hallway. His body crumbled into ashes. I awoke.

The second.

I was back in Greeley, Colorado. Travelling down a sidewalk to the Beatle Beanery (local coffeeshop with an upside down VW Bug in front,) I saw a girl I once knew. At least in the dream I knew her once. In reality, I had never seen this girl before. But it is a dream. It isn't supposed to make sense.

We walked together as the snow fell down in the daylight air. It made a little arrangement on the towering oak and hung heavily on the evergreens. I saw in everything a coldness, and as she talked I knew I had done something wrong. She started to cry and I broke down. I did not want her to cry and thought of anything I could do, but I did not even know the problem.

She ran back into a large house on that street right across from Central Campus, the street next to the brick entranceway and the clocktower with a broken bell. The street I had always walked down in Greeley in hopes that she would come out and talk to me.

Before I knew it, I was being chased by a mob of girls. It was crazy. I somehow found myself going into random shops, begging the managers of the store to keep them away from me. But everyone seemed to be in unison about how I deserved it. So I must have done something really wrong. A million things flashed through my head. 'Man, I have to deserve this,' I said to myself.

So somehow in the dream, I crept up and had the nerve to ask one of her friends what was going on. She told me how I had kissed her and never had any intention on loving her. She told me how I had kissed many other girls. She said the girl on that sidewalk on that day heard all the stories and knew I had kissed her in the same way, never for anything just for the moment.

But that wasn't true. When had I ever kissed anyone without the hope? I kissed everytime with the hope that this kiss would make everything right. It was a tool of hope, not a tool of deception. I kissed her on that sidewalk in hopes she might be everything to me, and she had walked away just because so many other girls had failed to make it that kiss, to be that hope.

I told the girl how I would do anything in the world for that girl. I just wanted to make sure I had found her. I told her how I had kissed with so much hope, but in the end I just waited for that girl. I waited every single second on that sidewalk. I held my breath for that girl, and every single girl I kissed who wasn't her I lost a little hope. At times I had lost all hope and I would go on thinking I would never find her. At other times, I had all the hope in the world until I kissed the girl and would realize what a tragedy I had committed because she would be hurt and I would be the one that hurt her. I had lost girls that I thought was her, but obviously they couldn't have been because their kiss wasn't true.

And then I had found her walking down that sidewalk, and she had walked away. She had thought of so many loves and just walked away. I thought as much would have happened. So, I begged her friend to go into the house and get her, because I really did care. I never stopped caring, but I just had to be certain.

So she came out of the house and I held her. It never felt more right and I knew this time I had found her.

- I know how this last dream intertwines with my very own life, but the ending is some ideal I really don't know about right now, but it stands as the basis for a lot of my hope. Everything else I know I can accomplish with the right effort and focus. This is a dream.

End of dreams

I blame everything on the four beers I had at the bar then the two glasses of milk chocolate at home. I should have known it would result in weird dreams. But hey, they were entertaining.


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Ambitiously enduring.