Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Each day I feel a struggle against the cold shell that I envelope around my soul. Life becomes a more barren, boring existence. No excitement, no soul ... friends come and go; they all have their own lives now. Love comes in with the greatest intentions only to be just a passing reminder that everything is ephemeral.

So why believe in anything when everything fades?

Would it be too much just to find something that sparks the passionate fire within me? Would it be too much to believe something could last ... for once?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Autumn Blues

Staring at the wall after a few hours work on a Saturday, I can't help think of Scrooge. Whereas Scrooge's lust for money propelled him away from the people who initially cared, I do the same. Except I lust for freedom and education.

Does it make it any better?

Today has been a horrible day. Last night, a horrible night! I could have been sitting at the Metro in Chicago listening to the quintessential American folk singer strum one for freedom, but instead here I sit ...

a responsible fool.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Thesis Topic

And we walk on ... a million hearts suffering as we push a button that alights a screen. The screen drags away our mortal coil, the very essence of our being that keeps us human. The screen entertains us. Let us avoid the thought of the moment, the day, the reality. Let us not watch as human rights are trampled in foreign lands. Let us not watch as racial slurs spit across our own soil, affecting some of the only people trying to bring about a positive change. 

Instead, let us fall from our glory and be part of the decay.

I say no! I say we cannot stand still! We cannot let this world fall.

Today, I have to pick a research topic for my thesis. (Yikes!) I have something worth researching. It aligns with the cutting edge of science,and it might even be publishable.

Yet ...    YET!

Who does it help? Will it help me live a life that fights the good fight? Will it help me to make an impact or just an income? I know every choice I may make will not be a final decision, but I truly believe this to be a huge decision. I do not want to fall down the path of just turning on the tube and ignoring the real state of the world.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


"where you invest your love. you invest your life" - awake my soul  mumford and sons

It's late. It's hot. Clouds came and went and dribbled little rain. Here I sit and write. I contemplate the truth I have found in pain.

And ... I came out with more and more hope for the human condition.

How many of us turn our pain to anger and our anger to hate! I have suffered, and people have acted deviously against me. And for some time, I began to feed into this same pattern. I began to only want to get out of the poverty, say that maybe humanity was doomed, and wonder ... oh how I did wonder ... if I should ever feel such hope again! And how weak I felt! And how I shuddered at the thought of what the world might bestow. I felt the ravages of the recession come in. I watched as some friends took whatever job they could get, and watch their dreams pass them by while others - criticized as lazy or reckless - held out. I held out and slipped into poverty, watched as things came and went. I tried to help as people died caught up in bad systems as some bureaucrats malingered. I watched and lost faith in my actions. I felt lost.

My days here are not glorious in most regards. I sit wearing my ranger's hat. I collect money and welcome people into the park. I guide over-sized traffic through a narrow tunnel. I deal with people who make poor choices, get angry for poor reasons, drive into oncoming traffic, ask questions that make me question whether they will make it out of the park alive. The heat soars into the 100's. I have trouble finding the ambition to climb. And yet this is the moment of truth.

Will I be able to see the beauty of the moment when all does not seem to be splendid?

YES! I will catch the clouds outline against the crimson rocks. I will watch the California Condors spread their wings out, their fingered feathers creating a masterful pattern against the blue and gray sky. I will remember what this day is worth. For these creatures were nearly gone, and they are back. It is a story of hope. And when I wake up tomorrow, preparing for the next work day, I will take a deep breath and come to the conclusion that it is a miracle that I have been given another day.

A night ago, I held my hand out to another. I asked her if she would come with me and know the world for what it could be, bear the pain, let it take hold and cleanse our souls letting us feel the empathy while still believing that all could be good and right in the world. And I asked her knowing all may not last. I know enough of the world so far that sometimes patterns do not last. Yet I cannot help letting myself get lost in this love. I told myself a long time ago to hold everyone back at a distance, creating a void in my heart none could cross. No matter how much of myself I would give, I'd carry a reserve. Until now, I could not find the courage to tap into this reserve. But I have come to think differently since this journey out West.

It is this reserve that keeps us different. It separates those with courage and those without. I give myself to the world, to this person, unrelenting and knowing very well it could destroy me. This is the courage of being a man. Letting things flow and take course. Letting the fear go and allowing the fall to take place. I have forgiven myself for so much. And in doing this, I have allowed myself to truly love. This post tells all of this! I pour out my heart as if there are no bounds. 

I have weeks left here. Then I am off to pursue a graduate degree in water resources. I have been given a chance to be my same hopeful self of the past. I have allowed myself to be more and more at peace. Let this world do its worst! Let the ravages come, and I will find those little things to love. And I will continue to help people! I will not get selfish with time! I will stand up for the good fight. I will continue to discover this world to the very last. And if my last does not come tonight or tomorrow or the next day, I shall treat those days as miracles. I only ask for the strength to pursue life as it should be pursued.

Faithfully. Hopefully. Treading out onto dangerous waters to know the glory that comes from looking for the best. Jumping off the cliff to know the joy of letting go. Loving without regard for safety. And diving into the muck to save those who have fallen too far to come out.

Let life come. I will not allow myself to back down this time.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

"And I've felt so alive."

"And I've never felt so alive," she wrote, little square lines drawn out on a simple piece of cardboard.

The lyrics from a Third Eye Blind song trace around the corners of my mind and paint themselves against my soul. How many times have I felt these lyrics! Or recited them to myself! She seems to do little things like this ... simple in their own rite; amazing in their effect on me. I catch myself so often awash in feelings that I feel I have recaptured a great part of my soul. 

First came Utah, I broke free from my fears to face them head-on, reeling from poverty and personal disaster where it seemed everyone had lost faith in my abilities. So long was I scared that I failed to do those things that needed to be done. I escaped to the West and slowly found my will again.  Second came the ranger position, to touch out and feel the impossible, to grasp a childhood dream, I suddenly felt as if the world was coming alive again with possibility. I knew all the naysayers were wrong, all the pessimists just caught up in the same soul-destroying, fearful path that I stood in for a couple years.

And as if the heaven's opened up and said, "You, sir, have found the path of optimism again, and we shall reward you!" I have stumbled upon a woman of extreme beauty, an exterior charm only outshone by her inner light. She holds my heart in her hands as she laughs at my quirky nature. She plays jokes on me, does not hold back and shares herself. Her optimism carries over to my optimism. When I hold her, I am content. I am alive. Even now I struggle for the words to capture the spirit of the moment.

Even if all should crumble tomorrow. This is the man I am. I am a man with a relentless nature. I yearn for the challenge, for the best part of life, for the best possible solution and the true nature of who we are. I will not settle for things as they are. If  you told me tomorrow, the world is messed up and we should just accept it, I'd call you a coward. For there is a light in us all. And I fear the people who don't let that light shine.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Food poisoning today - feeling puny but oh so lucky. A pint of alka-seltzer sits humbly at the bottom of my stomach. The air outside this little hotel - for some strange reason - smells of sewage. A nagging fly rests on my sandal. He awaits his next annoying onslaught.

The sun sets, but I am not here. I am writing E-mails to a beautiful woman. I am reading books on water resources, and I am starting to see a bright future. Here sunlight can purify water, can clean tents and sleeping bags and can apparently cleanse a soul of most doubt. "Hold on to these moments," I caution myself. "For they will propel you onward. Carry the West. Carry it in your heart."

And Fate is this thing that leaves me wondering. In 12 hours, I came from the darkest point and ventured forth into the brilliant shine of dawn. The sun peaked over the horizon and caught me with its orange stare. So long was it dark, that I was shocked by this revelation. I found myself in a blind stare, embracing those warm rays. Twelve hours ... in such a short time ... I went from being poor and broke with an uncertain future to being a park ranger in a beautiful national park, awarded an assistantship for graduate school and somehow connected to a beautiful soul

I am a lucky soul. For even if it should rain a monsoon tomorrow, I shall feel glad to have been so lucky for even a brief time. So I sit tonight, my stomach churning in a violent fervor, happy at life and buoyantly optimistic even if my stomach will not follow in proper suit. 

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Let the good times roll.

I won my case. I was offered a graduate assistantship for this upcoming academic year. And something new and exciting also happened. Two are solid and amazing. One is new and a bit frightening. 

Yet, some risks are not only worth taking. They are best lived in the moment, no past, no future in wanton disregard of any safety net. 

This week I will spend some time backpacking on the West Rim, climbing in Zion and working on research. All this while living inside a national park with some of the craziest and most awesome people I have ever met. In some things, I am a hopeless romantic. This summer is set to be one of the greatest. I have not - for the longest time - had so much hope for the future.


Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Don't you dare quit on me!

When a river is blocked enough, it becomes a lake. The depth of the lake builds. The banks become serene. Animals migrate toward its banks. It is a lovely state. Nevertheless, this is not the true state of the river. Its true state is its twisting, carving, rapidly flowing nature. It was never supposed to sit in a stationary state. Humanity is also a river. We are a river flowing towards a more perfect existence. We strive for perfection through our religions, by designing new forms of government and experimenting with our current way of being. For when there is a lull, complacence becomes rampant and the river to this liberated existence stagnates.

It is important for us to keep this river flowing. Our humanity sits as a lake. Even though it does appear peaceful and serene, it is not our path! Let us not look at its placid surface as everything downstream dies!

I have started to see the world very differently. There is not much I would not fight against right now. So long have I enjoyed the placid nature of this existence. Who am I, I sometimes wondered, to question the reasoning of the masses? Yet there are so many that are not happy even with this very placid state.

I decided to fight Zion National Park's decision to not work with my VISTA non-competitive status. I could have just rolled over and accepted it. It may have worked better for my career. However, I can bear the injustice no more. Why should people who help the impoverished in other countries or college students be given better status than I, who stayed domestically to help out those who have to suffer while comparing themselves to others who live such luxuriant lifestyles only miles away? I may be no champion to be lionized. However, I will be the gnat that dissents. A gnat's life seems to suit me.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

A cool burn

The dry summer heat washes over my heart like an iron. It flattens the wrinkles of struggle and makes creases of the lessons. So much struggle so far ... so much more to come. This is my time to breathe, to let loose the calm nature of my soul, expand my consciousness and bring close those destructive qualities that may hinder my path. 

Today, I do not know if I have two months or six. Whether or not this break lasts, I shall embrace it as a possible existence.

Two days ago, I stood at a belay station looking at a pitch. I was the last to follow and the first to express interest in the lead. It was a traditional route with the last pitch all sport. The bolts more than 20 feet apart in the beginning, along the traverse. I knew I could manage the route, but my head started to deter me from my path. And suddenly, I said "Let's go." And I flashed the route. The scary parts were scary. The first two bolts were pretty exposed. I led out across the wall and came out to the arete, felt the road under me and saw the last bolt was no more.  The crux came and went without notice. One-hundred-forty feet later, I watched little Lego cars drive and honk in the panoramic view of the canyon.

Micro-fractures may still form in this little paradise. Maybe some night while I lie alone - jaded in my quest to find the perfect love - I may find myself wondering if I could ever be that passionate of a lover again. For love without passion is no love at all. So I will close my eyes and be hopeful.

Hope is a guiding light for a wandering soul. 

Saturday, May 22, 2010


We must remember those habits that bring us closer to our own true selves. Utah has forced me to give up many things that are escapist in nature at a time when I may have depended on them. I have also begun to see the value in things I may have not before. My mind grows clear day by day. I see all the possibilities that may exist in my life, and it suddenly starts to look pretty good.

But on a night like this I wonder ... Will I ever love enough to run into the Pacific in December? Will I ever trust another to hold my heart? Will I ever sit drunkenly on a warm summer night and stare into the silhouette of trees, gaping at its artistic magnificence? I want my youthful heart, not fearful, not jaded, not burned ... nothing holding it back and nothing forcing it to be something it is not.

Maybe this is the reason I will not back down this time. I will prove to all that this is no existence if we must force our true natures to conform to the whim of others. I will live my passionate lifestyle. I will regain myself. I will conquer this period of my life through perseverance and dedication. I will also believe in love again some day.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Entitlement (have I any?)

I awake in the morning with hope and as it slowly drags on I begin to think that this will be yet another day wasted. My bank account clean, I survive on the kindness of strangers. I exist in this sad existence over a background check. Why? Have I committed serious crimes? -No. Have I committed crimes that brink on being serious enough to warrant a background check taking five weeks? -No.

Have I committed any crimes at all? 


Yet here I sit, on the brink of destitution, after I unwittingly believed in something and traveled halfway across the United States yet again. Our government is inefficient. Our government is a waste. And yet I did not choose the private sector this go around. I turned down Korea. I turned down another management position. For what?! A dream of working to conserve our natural resources or make some lasting impact that will be the betterment of humankind?! Damn, I am a fool. A gam of bureaucrats swim in these seas. And I, subjecting myself yet again, have become a victim of apathetic hands.

How much longer before my hands grow apathetic, a symptom of despair.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Gain a sense of composure, man!

Heavy eyelids stare at worn feet guided by an erratic heart. Do all things turn out such? Can I not have a moment of respite? Is it mere insanity that keeps me going with any sense of hope?

I ask myself why I never give up. Even when there is little hope left, why do I strive to move forward? But I know the answer.  The act of retreat is cowardly, the acceptance of mediocrity, fatal. On some runs, my lungs close up on me. I wheeze only moments into it. My face reddens. My heart flutters to keep up. My mind is suddenly torn. Which is better? To stop and allow my body to recover or to finish the set goal even if more than mile more at the same pace? I nearly always finish. The next run is always easier.

I would rather die than give up on my goals of having a worthwhile life. I will not settle for any woman just to be comfortable. I would like to be on fire in love and care about her in a way unparalleled. I will not raise my children to look at their father as one who gave up or did not try hard enough. I will not serve as an example for some who take my failure as a justification of their own slow descent into safe oblivion. I would sooner meet my final fate than succumb to the abysmal ranks of not having any lows at the expense of not having any highs.  

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Hope for the best; prepare for the worst

"Don't let them see you cry."  Help I'm Alive - Manchester Orchestra.

I'm going for a late night walk tonight. My roommate lost her ferret tonight. And now her anger bubbles over to me. I am being kicked out of my apartment. I find it frustrating how someone who so blatantly cheats on her boyfriend can come down on me just because I am waiting for the government to clear my background check before I can start as ranger. Craziness persists as I had agreed to pay for the whole summer no matter where I ended up living as a "thank you." Fiscally, getting kicked out makes more sense to me, but I know it is also the end of a friendship and a way of thinking about most people.

I am no longer the Brian of old who willingly tries to see the best in people. I understand everyone has their own demons. Usually, the way they face those demons works its way into their social existence. I also understand that many people can think themselves higher than others, or that some must do this to keep a steady current of self appreciation in their lives. This is a classic argument I first read by Virginia Woolf. One uplifting piece is that I have a place to stay for roughly a week. I am praying that since I am already a week behind on my background check that this will be enough.

So many thoughts scurry through my head on this night. How close I am to homelessness! Yet I am college educated. I have excellent work experience, excellent references, excellent attitude to work and an overall good attitude given all that has happened to me thus far. Yet here I am. It makes me think that this could happen to anyone. And I wonder how I will do if it all falls apart.

 Will I react by losing my psychological composure? Will it make me weaker in the areas of social interactions? Can I face people as a homeless figure? Or will it be yet another experience that makes me stronger?

I have broken once and swore I would never again. People say I need to depend on people when I am down. Nevertheless if history is any indicator on how the future will go, I need to be self reliant and not depend on anyone.

I am a strong leader. I am weak at the hands of others.

Friday, April 30, 2010


I met my grandfather once. Yet it was not him. It was just the shell. He had already started to succumb to Alzheimer's. I shook his hand. He seemed to very happy to finally meet me. I was very glad to meet him. I truly think we would have understood each other. 

I have had the luxury of knowing great men during my short existence.  They raised families, saved others' lives, served in wars, rebelled and kept genuine natures. They also, nearly all of them, lost themselves for a while. But in the end, they always seemed to recover. They inspire me to be a better man, to try harder and not give in to all these damn obstacles.

I will not let them down.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Dark Heart

Dear Miss,

I wish we were friends. For we  - even in those chaotic times - did share a beautiful moment. As our feet slipped on the scree that is youth, mistakes were made. I wish I was wiser and stronger when you knew me. I wish you could have glimpsed into my heart. Tragic, my eyes saw yours so open. That heart, so beautifully dark, did outshine mine.

For now, there is only bitterness and contempt. Yet I still see your photos from time to time. You are smiling and indulging in life. Maybe I was just a tool for you. Maybe in some part of my mind, that is a better existence to be a tool for such a fine heart. But I still wish we could have been friends.



Thursday, April 22, 2010

The last $30.

Still waiting for the background check to clear. Please oh please, government bureaucracy, work faster than usual.

I am trained. Everything is set. And now I wait with my last $30. I do not enjoy being broke. My mind seems not to focus on the present. It instead focuses on trying to counter and overcome all of the possible scenarios that may happen. Much still needs to be done though.

And it will.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

In my dreams, I am a protector

Imaginative dream

The dark night creeps around the bamboo torches. The light flames flicker off the coarse, deciduous flora. Some sleep on the ground. Some sit and talk. Some run and play. It is a light atmosphere. And I float. I am not really here. This is the pattern in so many dreams, I recall. I mingle in and out of conversations not my own. I watch heroes and heroines venture forth into impossible situations. I usually just watch from afar as my mind's kaleidoscope churns and creates vivid epics.

But tonight is different. A darkness masses on the corner of light. It  creeps in and builds high. I can feel a tsunami ready to hit. And suddenly there is a swarm about. Pandemonium! And I sit and watch still as those under me suffer at its wrath. But something is rising. It comes from deep within, and trickles to the surface.

In a moment, I am not such a passive spirit. I am standing on the ground.

"What do you want from these people? Why are you here? Why do want to cause such pain?" I ask.

The voice responds that it is trying to rid the world of hate, of anger, of mindless lust and of all the idiocy that comes from existence. I reason with it, but it will have none of it. And the clash resumes. The black mass swirls and masses in a place consuming whatever is there. It leaves behind a void. And as I watch, my fury grows. For this is a dream and my world.

And now beside me is a great bear. I feel it tear into the darkness. I feel a primal fear, a primal anger as it attacks. It thrashes at the cloud. Using its mass, it barrels a tunnel through the mass and disappears. And I slowly walk towards it.

The bear lies on the ground. Its body moves in a slow rhythm as giant breathes flow in and out of its mighty lungs. I kneel beside the bear and place one hand down on it. I am crying now. And again, I begin to speak to the mass, and it responds.

"You do not understand the beauty of all that is ugly," I speak in a calm tone, tears silently sliding down my cheeks. "For where in any existence is there ever beauty when not compared to the ugly. And of course the ugliness is easy and the beauty is hard. And of course, I watch as some slide deeper and deeper into the ugly nature. But they can still return. They can, at any moment, achieve their best. I once fell into moments of that ugly nature. And I returned."

The cloud stops. It reverts into a single being. And it speaks.

"I am glad you found your way back to beauty. But hope alone will not destroy me."

~ This dream did not disappear like most. I must come back and analyze this. Funny, the effects of wine and a solid, quiet night.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

unbeknownst to all the jazzy, quirky, limitless joy that could be perceived in the present.
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lost in the grandeur of all that has come before
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a bridge between the mortal and immortal being
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but ancient beings reaching for
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For what are we
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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Sleep is a puzzle.

My body smells of suntan lotion and sweat - a sweet and salty coconut blend. It stirs memories of beaches, deep water soloing and sweet chills of cool water on hot days.

Today, I walked in the desert alone and barefoot. I walked tracing misshapen footsteps all the while. The sand rose between my toes with every footstep. I walked tracing thoughts. I traced thoughts of grandeur, thoughts of my ruin, thoughts of laughter and the ill-fated thoughts of where I might be come tomorrow. For this morning, I awoke to ill tidings.

It's hard to be my carefree, funny self of the past when my survival seems to hang in the balance. I want this time in of my life to be over. I want to be able to take a breath and know I will be somewhere for a while. I feel as if I really have nothing in which to take pride. I have left it all by the wayside to pursue this grand scheme. A scheme that may result in my undoing.

-I wish you were braver. I wouldn't have let you down. I hope you're happy.

Friday, March 05, 2010

last thoughts before sleep

"Scotch, Scotch, Scotch ... I love Scotch."

As I listen to the tunes that connect directly to my heart on this dark night, I think about Travis and how I judged the situation from the beginning. In truth, I wish I was wrong, but I did know the heart of the situation. In truth, I knew it about Janel as well. But listening to one's own heart about one's self and a friend's path is all together quite different.

It seems I have met a very interesting soul as of late. I don't know if I will be granted the grace to stay in such a beautiful place, but if I will ... let me know this beautiful soul, so educated, so bright and so talented. For hope is the single greatest commodity to humankind - with it - may I go on against any uncertainty.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Damn it! Let's just face it. I was afraid, and I went away from the truth.

I wanted to keep Janel. I wanted a family. I wanted love, the West, the ocean, the support through good and bad, forgiveness, security and acceptance. I was willing to forgive the way she looked down at me because of my dependence. I came into it so independent and left like a crying child. Subservient, subdued, spanked and whipped was I. This just wasn't with her. It was with everyone. I hate how I've allowed so many people to walk all over me.

The move has definitely helped my senses. I am away from everyone. No one can drag me into her paradigm. This existence is mine. I shall make the paradigm.  I've been running 4 or 5 miles a day along with an hour of cardio. I am working on my graduate studies. I am reading texts, articles and writing a lit review in my free time. I have been actively trying to get a better job, but I get along with the one I have. Sleep is few and far but sometimes I do manage an 8-hour night.

I'm not going to push my senses to fully return. I feel if I push it too much, I will lend my soul to a similar schism. With good friends, a challenging job, a beautiful soul holding my hand and a scary adventure from time to time, I know all will be right. My heart will love with that fiery intensity. My words will flock to the page in a kaleidoscope of metaphors and symbolism. My words will ring of truth and stoke the soul's furnace.

For now, deep breaths.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I sit here staring at a blank screen. I keep asking myself to just write the truth ...

... just write the truth.

...  but what is that?

I know I must go to graduate school. Yet I am afraid I don't have the resources to take the steps. It frustrates me so much. I know I have the abilities! And I don't want to be pushed down the wrong road. Part of me still misses the heightened emotional state of being in love. But part of me fears I will fear ever letting go again. I have let myself fall into this stage in my life. So much squandered!

Everything is easy again. Easy is pure agony. It tells me that I am not where I should be. It tells of the missed opportunities and what lengths I will go to hide in the foggy imperfections of that heightened emotional state. (Oh, but wasn't it thrilling though?!) - I think to myself -

The truth is ... I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to fall in love with someone who will not hinder me, who I will not hinder - but who will stay beside me, who will love me ... for all the complexities and imperfections. I would forgive any mishap. I would love any imperfection for her. God! I just feel so alone sometimes, and it drives me crazy. I fear a future without love even with the greatest accomplishments. I also fear a wasted life. Utah is a great place, but I fear it is not what I need ...

I need more education. I desire truth. I plead for a life well maintained and well focused. I yearn for passion. J'ai voudrais un amour ici.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

A recap

Day one:

I kissed my mother and said a good bye. I left early in the morning, drove past St. Louis and said goodbye to Tyler. I got into Emily's mid afternoon. We hung out, shared our lives and met up with Tarik.

Day two:

I said goodbye to Emily and her mom. Back on the ole road. I laughed as I sang along to music I knew oh so well. Drove into Denver 4ish, went to Boulder to meet up with Thaddeus and Sam. They shared the story of their winter ascent. I drank half a PBR, but gave the rest to Thaddeus. They left to drive through the night. I went to my sister's. We shared life. I joked with Courtney and her friend. Before retiring the evening, we watched UP!. The thing I love of my sister is her ability to laugh and have fun. I have yet to see anyone laugh so much while watching UP!

Day three:

I took a deep breath, said goodbye to the mountains I hold so dear and started my car. I got out one more time to say a proper bye. I hated the fact I was again leaving. I always hate leaving the only place I feel at home, like I could stay a thousand years. Then the mountains were flying by, ice on the roads and dicey driving over the pass. Dinner time. Utah. I was shown the room where I would be staying. Jordan and I shared life. I met Andrew.

A few days later I would meet Becca, my third roommate.

It is now week three. I found a job day three, started day seven. My regular schedule now consists of: wake up, work out, eat, go to work, come home, send a few e-mails and sleep; repeat. Climb and hike on the weekends.

Everything is gone. No one thought I had a path, but I always did until this point. I thought I would eventually get to some of my goals. I freaked out anytime my path looked as if it was disappearing, and finally ... it did. It's a free feeling not to have a path now. How can one be stuck when he isn't trying to get anywhere? My heart is quiet. It is too quiet. The passion that rides my life is gone.

In three weeks, I will have an application packet complete for a job. I've already interviewed, and the interviewer said I was in. Then I'll buy my plane ticket, take a long plane ride and live somewhere new. It will get me to India during breaks. And then life will be what it is.

I cannot change who I am. I know the passion will flood back. Yet this time, I will not make the same mistakes.
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Solo ala West

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Doing what needs to be done.

One should always be mindful of fear. Fear bewilders the senses, compromises one's ambitions and makes one's soul weak.

I have been so fearful of what I am about to do. We all have choices we make. We all must choose a clear path and make the sacrifices necessary to venture forward into the future. If we do not sacrifice, no new future exists. My goals sit in the future, not here, not now. Therefore, I must sacrifice much.

As I stared at an old forgotten photo today, I remembered fear of sacrifice could ruin the present. I am getting ready to sacrifice my past. This should have been done a long time ago. I feel a need to be fresh again, free from the constraints of the sheltered persona I've created during the last five years.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Home for the holidays

Oh, how these little ones grow.
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My Aunt

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ma mere, oncle et petite fille

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St. Louis

New Years.
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She argued Chicago was not the Midwest.
If I ever find a mountain to climb here, maybe I'll return.
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About Me

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Ambitiously enduring.