Dream in the grass

I ran outside, turned the corner and fell. My legs acquiesced in the numb ruling to fall.

And I fell, the warm air reaching, breathing over me. The tall dark grass blew. The silhouette of branches clung to the dark shafts that were trees. No moon so the stars burned bright. I just lay there. Not thinking, hesitating one bit. At peace. If it were my last moment, good.

-And after I awoke, I went outside to the cold wet breeze. I sat down on a cold, wet rock. I gazed at the people around me all scurrying around, walking without a look from the ground. My mind wondered. I think maybe there is a place where people do not follow so compliantly, are not so absent to the outside world, are not so intrigued by the mundane on television, but are intrigued by the breathing, calculating perplexities of life.

And all I want is to find those people. I want to explore. I want to visit new places.

I want to exceed this school.

TOUGH it out!

I'm reclaiming myself.

No more of this. No more being afraid of anything. It's mine.

I am happy if you aren't. I am grateful for everything. I will do what I need to do in this life, idealist or not. Later tonight, I meet the rep from the Peace Corps. I will ask him all of my questions, and we'll see how soon I can sign up. I'm dropping a class and will be studying again for the LSAT.

May 25 I'll be in Denver for Millencolin. Hahahahah. :-)

Maybe going to SIU was detrimental at first, but I kept myself in the face of adversity. I stayed true to myself, and even in doubt, found myself at a better place.

I don't think my trial by fire is yet over, but I am stronger every single day.

Concentration

In a computer room ...

A little hiss of air escapes from the ceiling. The continous roar from the vent tries to overshadow it.

I feel calm. My life seems smooth. My senses are heightened.

When a see an Oreo, I nearly crumble. When I think of food, I salivate. More than not, this is psychological.

My body feels colder than normal. I dream of tomorrow and the next phase: brown rice and kale. I remind myself this is for self discipline, for health, for cleansing. I had moments yesterday which were unbearable. Other times, I didn't even notice.

I hope today is not so bad. I want to focus on myself and not food at this time.

It is about strength, determination and self control. It seems as if when I can focus, everything is sharper, every smell a little more real.

- My life is becoming more real, more how I want it to be. If we have one life on Earth, we should make it the best we can, the most beautiful, the most extreme, extravagant and bewildering. I have focused on passion, laughter and enlightenment.

All I can do is smile and know my life is mine.

-Millencolin (Battery Check)

Hitting P.B. drivin E20 north
Future plans being made
Going back and forth
Remain passive
I do got dreams on my mind
And I really should be taking a chance
Risk my safety just for once advance
The one who is trying
Is the one who succeeds
I should be following
My heart and my needs
But I know it's a problem for me
To translate words into deeds

Please say you feel the same way
Just say you know exactly how I feel
So say you feel the same way
And I will do it for real

When will I live my live for me?
When will I do what I want to?
When will I let myself be free
And take care of things that I value?
It's true. I need to forgive myself and see
It's not too late for something new

Satisfaction

Outside, dreariness creeps among the warmth as rain falls from the sky.

Inside, I breathe deeply and think of an old saying, "Work smart, not hard." And now I totally disagree. Why? It is simple.

Hard work is so rewarding. I just Aced a test that I could have done haphazard on. Haha. It just feels so great to know how well I was prepared for it, how well I understood every concept. I stayed up the entire night mastering the subject.

I say work hard and smart. The rewards will be that much greater. Some say we never use our full potential, but what if we simply started trying? That is what I'm up to. Simply trying.

A warmer day

Valentine's Day, a highly commercial holiday started for the exact purpose of increasing profit.

That said ... Motive does not always reflect outcome.

Sunshine and 50, the climbing scene gleams as rock sits dry. Routes beg to be climbed.

And being Valentine's Day, maybe I should go out in search of love. Or maybe the beginnings have already found me. And maybe a prospect, so recently, has blazed into my life. And has been so much excitement that sometimes it could almost be the rock.

And so the adventure of today begins, better or worse, 'tis a very beautiful day.

too busy

Valentine's Day sits around the corner.

As it is now, it's just another day. And I don't think I would want it to be anything else.


I'm just too busy.

Random thoughts of snow.

A white world, untouched and bright paints itself with little snow flakes.

It feels warmer on these days.

New days are about once again. And I am reminded of the mountains.

Bright white lines form on tops of dark branches.

So subtle but not, as the sky now matches with both the ground and the trees.

I'd rather be in two places at a time like this ... 1. Walking through the streets in some big city full of art museums, universities, cathedrals, science exhibits, aquariums and the like. or 2. Tramping through the mountains doing anything at all.

Truth

Truth.

Some people believe no such thing exists. It is all just a representation of what people think they know. I don't believe it.

Truth is real.

I heard Earl Caldwell tonight talk about the Martin Luther King, Jr. assassination. He was a respected journalist from the New York Times, and also an eye witness. But it seems his testimony was discredited. They told him that he was just seeing things. Even after having people corroborate his story. The goverment at the time did nothing to seek the truth. He even said parts of the crime scene were totally destroyed.

And there it is... The truth we hear, and the truth. They are so often two different things. Congress tells us it wants to pass a clean energy bill, but at the end of the resolution places a tax break for oil companies onto the bill.

As he was talking, I felt so alive.

I want to go out and fight the good fight. I want to fight for what people really want, or what I really feel deep down they all want, a righteous world. I want to be someone who sacrifices all the big things so maybe we can have a better world.

Call me an idealist. I'm just young. If I have it my way, I'll have this courage for a very long time.

New friends are golden, old friends are platinum

Hope is a powerful and dangerous thing. It creates our worlds and destroys them just as fast.

Lastnight I cheered to good friends. I made Bryant laugh so hard he threw up, and I lost touch with those things bothering me.

Somehow right now I think I just lost a new friend. I feel hurt but I know it is not worth the pain. I have lost so many friends.

I am glad to have the great ones here.

A smooth sunday afternoon

Even in bitter winter, I still sometimes lose myself in warmth.

Today is a beautiful day. The teal sky and white puffy clouds illuminate the barren trees swinging in the soft wind. The warming sun contrasts the cold, radiating my heart, strengthening the very rhythm of the day.

I woke up today reading of Ireland, of an immigrant's life and his return to the place of his ancestors. His father, a drunkard, has left his family in such a mess. I only wonder what will happen in the future. Even though I never grew up in the household, it reminds me of the ways my biological mom and my brother and sister had to endure at the hands of my irresponsible father who only made life worse. The book hits me hard, but does not dampen my spirit. It only reminds me of all the ways I have been made better.

Yesterday, I climbed. I really wish I was climbing right now, but too much has to be done. I need straight A's. Everything rides on it.

The ice-cold rock made my hands numb while I climbed, but my feet were very sticky and secure. My heart stayed steady as I moved up the rock. Everything felt secure. I lost touch with the world and only knew the rock. I didn't fear anything. I didn't look for the fall nor did I think I would.

It has been a long time since I haven't feared the fall. It felt great, and I know it comes as my life is finding more and more stability. I have begun to see my path and succeed in my studies. I have seen professors impressed in my abilities. It gives me confidence in myself.

Yet all is not great and could be better. So I will strive forward while remembering I am only one man. A man who can only go as far as his feet will carry him. Then I will flip over on my stomach and crawl using my arms. Haha.

With achievement comes perseverance

I tend to concentrate on one thing and lose sight of everything else.

I wish there were more hours in a day. I wish I wasn't so tired come 9 p.m.

But with so few hours in a day, I have to choose constantly what is important and what is not. I almost always choose school over everything else. But at what cost? Am I gradually losing my sense of humor? Am I becoming a stickler?

I can't stay up until 12 a.m. every night. It is hurting everything, but I constantly want to stay up so I can maybe talk with someone. Yet, it never works.

Loading up on caffeine this morning, I remember the words of Emerson, "College is not an education, but a means to an education." or something like that. So what am I learning? How to make busy every waking moment of my life?

If you read this and think I'm confused and I'm figuring anything out - I'm too busy to figure anything out, what are you? Crazy or something?

First French lesson tonight, WoooHOOO!!!!





Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks.

I'm super hyper.

Ambition

Imagine the possibilties if our dreams were left to soar, if our hopes were not smashed. We were given the chances we needed to succeed and the hope to carry our ambitions.

Just imagine . . .

No teachers making anyone feel unspecial. Parents telling their children how anything is possible.

A man in his late 40s once told me that he had not used his full potential. He went on to say no one really uses his or her full potential. But what would have to happen to use this full potential? A person's ambition would have to be high. Doors would have to open. And something would have to be there to inspire and give hope in times of doubt.

Where is this blog coming from?

I may have been given a chance to start out in life. It is a better start than I had hoped for and is a new an interesting path. It might also give me some foundation. I still can have everything else with this path, but it might just be a better place to start.

I hope one day I can fuel this burning, driving ambition.

Interesting week

Lastnight, I received a call from a professor I know. I was selected from a few choice students to meet with Earl Caldwell, a journalist whom I had only read about. He fought for his sources when a grand jury asked him to give names of his Black Panther contacts. It led to an unfavorable Supreme Court verdict, but the dissent is apparently being used today in many lower courts to justify source protection.

I've also been invited tomorrow to meet with a panelist from Washington, D.C. His name is Mathew Gardner, state tax policy directory for the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy.

It isn't so much that I'm spellbound as I'm just intrigued. I love to meet interesting people, and getting a chance to meet people who have such an effect on society . . . Well I'm impressed.

First climbing meeting tonight. I'm kind of nervous. I just need to focus and let it go in the right direction.