Sunday, April 30, 2006


Colour brightens as the clouds darken overhead. I gain a vivid picture of life as the contrast becomes greater.

As I sit here now, basking in the natural silhouettes filtering through the room, I think next week will come and go as my life will surely come and go. Friends will come and go.

Life abounds with lessons.

When I was still very young, the darkness used to scare me. It was unfamiliar, vague. It had all the possibilities of ending me. I thought of strangers, wild animals, my weaknesses and even familiar strangers who scared me. Then came immersion ... I spent more and more time outdoors, in the streetlights, then in the moonlight, then with friends on dark nights roaming where I shouldn't. Each time, I returned safely. Each time I grew stronger. And just like that, the night became a part of me.

Overcoming a part of myself, I soon realized I had no idea of my possibilties. I still believe no one does until tested, a trial by fire.

Friday, April 28, 2006


My view of reality flickers, and I realize I am still asleep. And as images flicker, the contrast between a sprint and a casual jog becomes apparent. This is the real world that I must soon return to.

In retaliation, my eyes close. My mind labors to stay sunken like a deepwater squid spotted by a marine biologist with a scalpel instead of a sense of humor. The labor of the mind intensifies as pictures come back of words and pages, intense images and experiences I have yet to encounter.

Then I am awake, and I think how can I make today fit closer to my dreams?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Da Funk

After reaching the snooze button for the fourth-consecutive time, I decided to roll out of bed and into my shirt-covered floor.

Soon the computer was playing Pulley.
Insect's Destroy
I'm looking for a friend today
Another victim just like me
A lunatic a loser a freak
Another casualty from a fucked up society
I gave my all to the system
Half my life still in question
All about the money and power
All the greed they've devoured
You never gave any credibility for a vision given to the enemy
And on the faces of humanity
A stone's eye throw for a man
On a pedestal
You sold your soul to the man
Another deal a deal gone bad
Another seed that never gets planted
Corporate insects destroy our planet
Never going to let another day die
My friend you and I
Feel the heat from the fire outside
Burning hot still alive
I keep it bottled inside me
You keep it bottled inside you
See the sun drop colours of red
Broken bones for a mouth well fed
Bring back a real train of thought
Another tool for the melting pot

Turned the shower completely cold and tried to feel alive.

An uncomfortable funk grips me.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Amoeba Brains

I use my right hand to assist in the jump towards the three-finger hold.
This route scares me no more.

I have my three fingers of my left hand smashed into this hold while my body dangles. My muscles contract, my body follows upward. Now I have a foot on the rock. I can steady myself, go up for a tiny flake in the rock with my left hand. I make the clip and move upward.

At the second clip something happens. My hand is slimy. I can't hold on to make the next clip. As I look downward, I know my ankle will not like the consequence of a fall this high up. But the move is still awkward, and my right hand will not leave the rock. As sweat leaks from my already soggy hand, I begin to accept I could fall. The people below me have started to wonder why I haven't made the clip. I keep my composure because what other choice is there, but they start to panic and yell out "foot" every five seconds. After some time, I give up hope of holding on with my right arm and use my forearm for stability while I reach down with my left to pick up a quickdraw from my harness. As the clip falls in, I know they didn't see it coming. I know they saw my fall. But I shrug it off and take a break. My energy is zapped, but this route will not have me today.

I finished the route without incident. I felt very tired and drained, but I finished.
I ended with a long easy route with a bit of a runout to calm my mind.

I decided that day to run a half marathon by the end of the summer. My training will start today. I need endurance. Both mental and physical.

As I grow stronger, I tend to develop a sense of comfort. I need to switch everything up and get to the next level. I will begin taking many falls (these not quite so dangerous) as I move up to harder and harder routes.

I know my weaknesses. I understand my weaknesses. Now I must break them before I finish school. There is no room for weakness in life, at least not with what I want to accomplish.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

A look into the adventure of life.

It is an instant purpose, the greatest of all feelings.

I once walked upon a bridge filled with a fog and a coolness. A river lit up brightly from the body of foggy light transcending upon it. My heart overflowed with passion. The brightness. The atmosphere. The adventure. The risk. Others had their ordinary lives, but for a moment I broke free.

I first came to Carbondale, and it was new, exciting. I saw her face and my life lit up. Nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I couldn't do.

I found myself driving to St. Louis. The possibilties were limitless. I followed my handwritten directions to the girl whom I had first met at the start of a sunrise.

Walked into the St. Francis Xavier at St. Lous University, held her hand and kneeled. I wished God to help her. I wished such a beautiful existance for her. I did not however wish to keep her for that time I knew it was over before it started. Yet such a beautiful day.

She called. It was over, she said. I said I was happy she made a decision. Happy she wasn't confused. She then said we had to talk about it in person. Walking through the door, I made some food and we began to talk. I told her never to settle, always to find her path and always, always go wherever her heart would take her. We kissed one last time with few tears, knowing we were both on a good, solid path.

Knowing her, we walked through the tall grass finding various examples of flora. She knew them all by name and would go on at length. I'd grab her hand, and she'd stop lost in thought. Stopping by a little brook, I held her as if I'd never let go. That day ended walking along with the statues and beautiful architecture thinking that if we were as beautiful it might last.

She called. I asked the questions this time. Two hours later, she called back. She had to talk to me again. She said it was hard to find someone who could talk about the world. I suggested we meet, talk over coffee. My roommate said I was a fool. I said I knew adventure. Then as I reached her dorm and rang the bell. I thought I had been mistaken by the glimpse of beauty I saw coming down the stairs. We walked in the snow that night, stopping under a light to have our first kiss. Then whispering in a park of how we had waited so long to meet each other, so long to find it all.

Everything ends. But one day, everything will stay.

Friday, April 21, 2006


Be exciting! Live for just once in your life! Be happy and celebrate! Find a reason to be proud!

I tried to explain lastnight why life was so much better sober, and it seemed as if this guy finally got the picture. I say fuck a life that needs drugs to be interesting. I say to hell with that boring of an existance. It is the easy way out. It is the television of intellectualism. Sure anyone can say something stupid thinking it is intelligent while they are stoned, but I see it differently.

If we only live once, why would we want to dull any moment of this life? Sure, relax once in a while but if you go through your life just getting drunk and stoned as a source of fun, well ... what a useless existance.

Your soul is wasted.


Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Every chance is a path.

Freedom is the succession of powerful, propelling thrusting feet, a body swiftly floating over the ground.

It is my heart pounding, lungs expanding, mind focusing. It is the strength and joy I receive.

How many more paths could I choose before I must choose one? How many more paths must I see before I can be sure I have chosen the right one? Only through being strong may I choose the right path. Only through being able to run them all may I find one suitable. Only by being optimistic and righteous may I remember the right ideals to carry me down the right path.

Every chance is a path.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Monday, April 17, 2006

Red Rocks, Nevada

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Before a late walk

Dramatic passions make life visible, real. Mystery makes it worth living. The new, everchanging perplexities of life direct a temperament.

a song in the background reminds me of so many dramatic passions.
love seems so distant, less visible, no more the vision, the passion, the dream. now only the undoing, the journey off the path - unnerving, ending destruction of one's dreams.

The sleepless night carries me in l o n g thoughts. A harsh sound awakes a dreamy soul, and television waves now whisper through paper-thin walls. I no longer have hopes of finding that one girl in Carbondale. It seems as if I gained so much more than a girl here. She was never supposed to be here. Girls live on different substance here. Something less than what I need.

I must admit, however, the countryside ...

'tis beautiful.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


Cloudy and warm ...

Let the radiance come. Allow the courage of life to consume all.

When a heart burns, it sets fire to everything around. People with their jeers, downcast eyes, doubts act as water on a roaring fire. If the fire is deep, it smoulders. It buries itself and waits.

Explosive roar. Hunger. Ambition. The apathy lets go. The light shines. No dispirited water can quell.

The summer approaches. School will soon wait.

I feel young again.

Thursday, April 13, 2006


Inspired when I am the most active and bleeding when I sit indolent
head throbbing
little pill salvaging spirit
spilling soul
body overheating
awaiting delivery
please digest

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Dusting the cover, reflecting the truth

The spiral cover, the holding on, the deliberation and successions ... seem confounded at a sense of better destiny. Yet true spirit holds. A granite soul balances sharp glances at the mind's own eye.

About yesterday ...

It is sometimes the trickiest of things to let go of life in order to truly live. But we must all take a willingful fall before life ever becomes without boundaries, interference, fear.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Yelling fury of one's own destruction

I fled home to escape back into the fire. I thought maybe this time I was stronger, so in the end I could make it, be stronger.

I could make it back home, never returning.

I will be stronger.

But at what price do I suffer this fate? I want to go home. I should have never come back to Illinois.

I do suffer.

Saturday, April 01, 2006


The choices I make seem unmistakably bold and at the same time, deliberately yielding.

I glanced up to see a girl, whom I once knew, reading. She was very close to me, and now she is to be wed to another. How fast things change. It was only months ago. And look at me, here at this school, pondering out my future days. I want something to connect to, but I only see my life starting in the future.

I do what I can to stay sane: a book a week, constant studying, great friends and a positive enjoyment in the places around me.

But I still look up at the horizon and wait for my day to come.

The day I get to leave.


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Ambitiously enduring.