Saturday, November 10, 2007


What can a person say when everything in his past is challenged, and then it fails? A certain essence lent to a reality to give a more hopeful appearance ... lost.

I used to think all injustices would someday be rectified. I thought in this long term thought process, one which would stem thousands and thousands of years. Now I truly (no more doubt) believe I only have so many years. Then poof.

What a scary idea. Even scarier is I feel more alone than ever.

I think it will be for the best. I just wonder about so much right now.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

c'est la vie

on a long trek, the narrator jabs his middle fingernail into his thumb when he'd think negative thoughts. he would do this sometimes until his finger bled. it would remind him of his negative thoughts and keep him in a better disposition.

i think i should adopt this philosophy. the negative aspects of my life circle my soul like buzzards waiting for last flicker of movement, the last sense of life's rebellion. i can feel myself slipping into the negative - day by day.

i won't try to sound positive. this whole situation is ruining so much.

Sunday, October 14, 2007


What could I write?

I could write an inspiring message of hope ...

some message of how blessed I am to be living in such a great world ...

about a day of beauty and hope ...

But I won't because it's not the way I feel ...

I can't say how I feel.

Because I just don't know anymore. If you asked me if I was happy, I wouldn't know what to say.

I need a job, need a path, need some form of worth.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Middle Ground

"I hope it was worth it," I said as I sat alone in a room filled by two people.

Saturday, July 07, 2007



Does not seem to be my lucky day


I am feeling more and more situated in Portland. I have now seen more of the outside, been climbing in a newly developed area and started working a job that seems to suit me. However, there are still some difficulties. My whole attitude shifted last night as I overdrew my account. Feeling like a failure, I re-examined a million little things about my life right now.

I am not doing enough. I will wait out the training for this job (for that is the promise I made when hired,) but I could be doing more. I could be investing my time into some bigger cause or a more fulfilling job. Part time at a rock gym is not going to cut it for my ambitions.

Someday I think my ambitions will swallow me whole.

Until that day, all I can do is acquiesce to the inner desire to be something more.

Friday, June 22, 2007

at times scared, but relishing the challenge.

Miss my friends ...

Miss laughter and climbing ...

Miss a purpose ...

Standing at the concert last night, I realized, this is my home. I have went out onto the edge of a dangerous precipice, wind roaring at my back.

So this is the real world?

I wonder how I will do...
A mysterious life sits in front of me.

Friday, June 15, 2007

a hike above tree line.

I look up at that jagged peak. I ascend that jagged peak.

This is life to me. Nothing is impossible. Our lives are mysteries until the end, but we have the control to make them beautiful. Sitting back and reading books, exploring my mind and coming to conclusions about my own unlimited curiosity thrills me. Doing what seems hard to look back at an easy ascent enlightens me to the stress my body might be able to take.

And when emotions grip me, it is wonderful to see how passionate I can become.

When in unison, the heart and the mind spring to the expectations of a grand and great adventure - an adventure for the storybooks, an adventure that soothes the soul.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

in ireland (this hostel smells funny)

A million miles away from all I know with someone I barely know. Yet he is someone I should.

For all the crazy and fun adventures on this trip, I really wish for those friends who know me the most, who know me the deepest. My trip is almost done, and I will be another million miles away from everyone who knows me.

Yet this is the adventure. This is the life of a man who will not settle.

Someday I will be home. I will keep those friends.

Maybe someday the greatest adventure will be the smallest instances in everday life ...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What a horrible experience! So why do I constantly jump into the role of mediator? Why would I put myself into such an awkward situation?

I could easily burn for everything now that I am playing that role. Yet, I must.

It was the right thing to do.

:*( - I wish I could just call someone and vent. I hate feeling so distant from everyone.

Monday, May 21, 2007


Found my glasses in the weirdest place! I thought I lost them.

This makes me so happy!

Friday, May 18, 2007


I went bowling with some people from camp last night. It was all good fun, some funny conversations, great jokes and great pictures.

But I saw something on the way that made me remember the mountains for what they mean to me. It's not as if they are not daunting anymore, but I now feel the same connection I once felt. In a moment, I was comforted.

Slick blades of raw rock protruding upward into the clear sky. Snow hangs nowhere except the peak. These rocks are raw and unaltered, letting everyone know they could stand alone, breathing in the fresh mountain air for eternity. In the rain, a mist surrounds the bold face and briskly flows around it. And in the bitter cold, it's face is dabbled but not covered with complete snow, again letting everyone know, nothing could detain it. But in the summer, it's true beauty comes out as a brilliant sun and blue sky create such a contrast as for some tourist to say, "Hey, hunny, now that's beautiful."

And so I feel a connection. I'm sure I could stand alone for an eternity only breathing in the mountain air. But I know somewhere out there is a blue sky and brilliant sun, metaphorically speaking - of course everyone knows there is a blue sky and a sun.

Amy mentioned something in an e-mail to me a while ago. I was telling her about everything going on in my life, and she responded how she knew it was right as long as it met certain conditions. And in a moment, I knew it was a lie, and maybe it was just an escape for me. So some people really do know me. Let me just call them kindred spirits. So rare they are, yet so close to me in every single way.

On another note, after eating breakfast this morning, something happened and made me want to do one of those Irish-Leprechaun-jump-in-the-air-with-your-heels kicks. And for the first time, I did it perfectly. Maybe it is the elevation ...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

As white mountain peaks surround me on each side, so does nostalgia.

Coming back to Colorado, back to the mountains of my youth, I am taken back to a time when I was just learning to be passionate, to be driven, to see the world for how it is and make it better. Much of that has now been tempered with different experiences. I've learned that things never quite go as I want them, and even the best situation can crumble.

So I've learned ... and now what do the mountains mean to me? Why do they seem so daunting, so unreal? They are not the same mountains from my childhood. They don't feel like my mountains anymore. They feel like everyone else's, and now I'm just this outsider. I really hope this feeling goes away.

I haven't heard from my brother in a little while. It is so close to Ireland. Maybe that is getting to me more than anything. He was so good at getting back to me before.

Uncertainty surrounds my future.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Lost Poems

So here I sit packing for this huge, scary world I've heard so much about and I find some poems from freshman year in Colorado ...

tender heart, do not cry
when sun dims
when clouds throw tears,
a child cries from want,
the passion is lost,
love loses trust,

the sun will rise again,
the Earth will heal with cloud's tears,
a child will bring peace,
passion is never lost inside your soul,
love losing trust doth not yield love.


curiousity becomes my soul,
depression my very existence,
a sun rises - outcasting pain,
clouds hasten overhead
delivering contemplative thoughts,
grandeur sits, awaits
lowly existence prevails, exists
my moment is yet to come
have patience

Math 127
Iridescent light shined from tip to top,
meager, weak sounds overcame all
greatness subsided, beauty slipped,
walls condensed further in
stripping myself of integrity, purity
of the inert nature of freedom
and the wild streak resigned
under the conformity of a cubicle world

The cold pierced through my heart,
pain drawn up inside, condensed,
wretched truth be known,
I should do unto you the same,
I should let you feel the pain,
I never would,
Since I never could.

How much my life has changed since freshman year ...

Monday, May 07, 2007

the end of college?

Beyond some early-morning editing, my undergrad is done.

Tonight, I shall buy a 40 and celebrate with many friends. Sadly though, I just won't feel like it is done until tomorrow.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

One week.

On these warm, summer nights, my heart fills with a void. And that void strongly resonates until I know I may not sleep without some far reaching hope consuming my dreams. And it is on these nights that my ambition to live every single second with heartfelt greatness is checked with fear.

'Hope will conquer all,' I think to myself.

I will never give up. I will find great love. I will find great adventure in life. I will find my true path, or it will find me. In one week, I will have my degree.

In one week, I will finally allow myself to be free from all the burden I've placed on my life. It will be my turn to decide where my life will go.

Friday, May 04, 2007


Horses, eh?

I am going to work with horses, and not just sea horses either! - The huge, muscular, snorting, sometimes crazy, but very very exciting mammals.

I think it will be fun. It will give me some time to figure out what I'm really going to do.

Will I keep moving further out West, settling in that lush, temperate rain forest some call the Pacific Northwest? Or will I settle in Denver, training like a madman and doing the occasional Iron Man? Or, will I work on my parlais francais tout l'ete et move onto Africa with the Peace Corps. Or like a madman will I take a professor's advice and go to graduate school to get my M.B.A. or advanced Econ degree? (madman, indeed) Then there is always the occasional move to Europe on a work visa, pick up whatever languages needed along the way, totally reinventing my life like a man on the run.

I have my degree! I have no reason to stay! If my life were golf, I'd be at par. I think I can do a little better!

after this, I'd rather be a bit of an intellectual for a while. 'twould be nice.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

the end.

Soon I will be in another state of mind. I will leave my friends, family and worries to get three papers done, get a peace corps application done and finish an application for this summer. Three papers stand in between a degree and me. I hate to be single minded but everything rides on this. I am afraid of what comes after, but I must finish this degree. I must move on.

I went out in the sun today and wrote in my newly bought journal. The warm sun on my skin felt comforting. I thought a lot and got so many of my feelings out on paper. My last journal never felt like it was mine. Bought by someone else, it did not ever feel as if it was me. Yeah, weird huh? But this new journal feels like me. - I can express myself again.

Here I sit. Ready to study. Ready to commit to that single purpose, to turn off my phone and to head into the digital world of online journals and books I've recently read on the subjects, only talking to sources I need for my paper.

Once I get done, I will think of other things.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Virginia Incident is so depressing. So many had to die because a young, confused individual found no hope. He continuously dove back into destructive habits and lost sight of the true greatness of life.

I hate how people have to die. I hate it more that it happens every day. I wish I was around in that atmosphere. I wish I would have known Cho. I wish I could have befriended him and just told him to relax. I wish I could have gotten him a date with a random, weird girl. Life can be a pretty tragic thing, especially when you feel isolated from everyone.

I wish I could have given him some hope.

157 people died in Baghdad today.

I imagine many there have lost hope. I have no clue what they are going through. I could not even imagine such a destructive atmosphere. I would gladly give my life to end their suffering. My life will be devoted towards spreading hope.

I know exactly what it means to be saddened because I can only give one life to a cause. If I had a thousand lives, I would die a thousand horrible deaths if it meant some would not have to suffer.

I have a job interview on Friday. I pray I can start fighting the good fight with my entire soul. My degree is soon done. My life will be extreme. This is a war.

This is a war for hope.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Forgive me, world. I will not bend.

Something better does exist. Something fantastic! Something wonderful! I will tell everyone to wonder about life. No path is a dead end. Every path is another way to live a full, meaningful life.

If I were a bum, I would smile at the chance to know what is like not to have. It would make me appreciate everything.

If I were a millionaire, I'd be happy to have the ability to help others with my income. I'd also see the world and invest in a lifelong education.

If no love every lasts, I will be lucky to have loved and not backed down. It was well worth it.

The naysayers are bunk!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

30 degree run.

I went on a run this morning. I could feel my hands after the first two miles.

In the second two miles, I had an epiphany.

Fear has nothing to do with any of this. Why should I fear something that feels so true?

To distrust this, I first must distrust myself.

It is not a step for which I am not ready.

I love her.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


Mystery …

Maybe I will enjoy the journey beyond,

To give my life a dark path

And travel with heart and spirit

Translucence fading not

Into a world, ever-changing

Not mellow nor imbalanced

Spiritually delivering

Mentally fatiguing

This is what I wish for my life.

The day I knelt down, willfully gave my hand

My heart leaped out knees buckling

under a liberated, fiery soul

Inner dreams splashed rich colors

Against a twirling, whirling mind

a deep breath kept me going.

Monday, April 02, 2007

A bold move into the night.

It is a scary thing to go from absolute uncertainty where every single part of my existence is wondering where my life might go ...

to discovering myself more and more confident, stumbling upon a story for the ages, creating vast lines of poetry without delusion, loving myself more and more and stepping precariously

on the skirts of a cliff line where no imaginable bottom may be.

With a solid heart, I surge forward not accepting the limitations society places on me. I will never succumb. I will forever hold my head high.

And even if I should take that fall, which I am sure is a possibility, I will forever live in weightlessness as I plunge deeper into my own abyss.

Monday, March 05, 2007

afraid to breathe

The nerves twitch in my shoulders as I await my fate. I really believe I'm not doing enough. I have to believe in myself. Yet I cannot help feeling a sense of discomfort and anxiousness.

I sit here now as my resume reaches its third set of eyes. I am 1-for-2. What will the verdict be? Will I be turned down cheerfully?

I always think back to my high school days. I squandered my talent early on and believed it would not matter which undergraduate school I attended. However, my biggest fears were, and still are, not feeling challenged enough. I believe this boredom led my heart down a very unhealthy path. My inactive mind lost, and still loses, ability.

It needs some kind of challenge.

I do not fear a midlife crisis. Every other day is a new way to criticize myself. Every new day is time for a new crisis and change in my life. I just want to live a healthy productive life. I wish for it every day. Boredom is my enemy.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

my eyelids grow heavy.

for me, there is still so much to do with today. yet the day is done.

i heard somewhere the weather will be nice tomorrow. maybe fate will also smile on me.

I sometimes wonder why my cat stays so close to me while I am around. I wonder if he enjoys my company or maybe feels safer around me. I remember carrying him outside while he was still a kitten. It was night, and the UPS trucks was just leaving. He scrambled to run, but as I held him, he struggled tightly against my shoulder. It felt good to play the role of protector.

So as i sit here with heavy eyelids, I begin to imagine tomorrow. I imagine the depressing news that seems inevitable. I imagine my advisor's excuses while she tells the reasons for not calling me. And then I think of how much I have been through till this point. I wonder how much more I will endure before I leave this school. I wonder if fate will ever let me return home. I wonder if I shall ever again be in the West without returning here to stay, permanently imprisoned.

If I have a hope, I shall be fine.

it is only when that hope fades
when the nights come and as my eyelids grow heavy
i sit trying to convince myself someone knows
the pulsating rhythm of my soul
some predestined force presides
and if faith has carried me
thus it will
until a warm summer springs
and i find myself gone.

Saturday, February 17, 2007


I would love to talk about the sad realities of life in this post, but I fear all we ever have is hope for the future.

I think it would be a great thing to feel hope right now.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's Day

Oh what a day it is!

I woke up this morning happy to be alive, and now I wonder if this is all to simple? In time, I may come to be more stable and move back into the passionate lifestyle I once knew, but for now I have grown cynical and believe I am only leaving my current world behind.

I want to minimize damage.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

the complex

a moment gone, lost.

a gaze unquestioned.

again alone.

again no one's burden.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A most unappealing prospect.

A small town, narrowly tucked away in the midst of small town America ... for I wish I could see Taylorville as such. Instead I see a place of memories, some good, some bad, but above all else I see a past I shall never be connected with again. I see childhood memories shattered as I look into faces I once saw as friendly now marred by the world around them. People are too bitter and wield bitter emotions unto everything around them.

I do not feel this path. Instead, I shy away from it. I shall travel the ends of the earth to escape it. When the putrid tongue of a once ravishing soul touches mine, I shall say, "I knew you to be kind and lighthearted. Now your intentions are but silly and primitive."

I know not everyone in Taylorville is like this. But past events have marred my image of people here. I have family who are very kind and lighthearted, who go out at great lengths to help others and show incredible insight into the world. I also have friends who have shared more than a great deal of my life so far, in both humor and pain. I have memories here I might not have had anywhere else.

But this is no place for me. If I have it my way, I will return once more this summer to say adieu. Then make this place just what it should be - a distant memory.


About Me

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Ambitiously enduring.