Monday, October 24, 2005


Distracted as I am, I do not forget those things most important.

I called my sister Linda yesterday. She confirmed I had a place to stay in Colorado during break. It felt good to hear her voice, and she said she was doing better. I asked Ryan to go with me. Today, he will either turn me down, in which case I'll buy a plane ticket, or he will say yes, and I'll make arrangements for the drive. Either way, I will go.

I started seeing a new girl. We have already broken it off, but feelings are still present, at least with me. The whole thing confused me. It started great, and then it was as if I could do nothing right. So, I broke it off thinking she could just do better. I have been given clues that one of my friends likes her, but maybe it is just a mechanism called confirmation bias. It is built of schemas (or blueprints) in our mind. If I expect everything to go wrong, my mind will find reinforcements. It is not as if my friend isn't an awesome friend, or this girl is not a very nice, smart, beautiful girl. It is just I am weary. I want to keep both of them simple, and I do not like the unforeseen drama that could occur.

I know. I know. I'm thinking too much and life isn't flowing.

However, I still feel very scared for what happened last time. I still see Charlotte from time to time, and it is almost as if the anger in her heart is just as fierce as ever. She says she is still afraid, but I always have wondered how much anger is really there. I do not want to go that route with the people currently in my life. So if I have to back off and be cold for a while, accept my place as a student, friend and colleague only and create an existance where hope lives in the future, I will.

Too much hangs in the balance, and I have no reason to take risks right now. I will have plenty of time for risk in the future.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Fairweather Friend

There is a song by All (Fairweather friend) that I often listen to.

Hey How You Been Nice To See You Again My Fairweather Friend
It's To Cool To See A Face From Way Back When My Fariweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
How Do You Do What Can I Do For You My Fairweather Friend
Better Use Me Up Now While I'm Still Of Use My Fairweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
Don't See You Around Here Anymore
I Really Don't The Have Time For You My Fairweather Friend
Don't Want To Have To Be Nice To You My Fairweather Friend
When I'm Riding High Your Always By My Side
When I'm Laidlow You Abandon Me
Don't See You Around Here Anymore
I Really Don't Have Time For You My Fairweather Friend
Don't Want To Have To Be Nice To You My Fairweather Friend
There's No Room In My Life For You My Fairweather Friend
Time To Say Goodbye To You My Fairweather Friend - ALL

I first heard this song in high school and have found it is really true at times. Everyone wants you around while you are riding high, but when something happens, you really find out who your real friends are. I am not saying you treat everyone like crap and hope they stay around you, but some people just leave and you never see them when things start getting to you. I've heard words such as "downer," "negative," "pessimist," etc... but in truth, maybe people are just having a bad time and you should try to help them.

Things are pretty damn good for me right now. I often wonder, however, if things weren't who would walk away so fast? I know I haven't heard from one of my friends in a super long time. I haven't made any attempts to call him, but hey, he has a phone too. I felt sick lastnight and someone made a comment that made me seem always negative. I have my fears about a whole bunch of things right now, so maybe I should just live life and forget about it. I'll figure out who is true and who is not. I'm sure there will be those fairweather friends.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Looks like tonight will be an all-nighter. My midterm is due tomorrow and I want to throw this into a kind of decent story. Tonight caffeine is my friend. I enjoy its company.

I was interviewing the spokeswoman for the university today and a funny thing happened. I got a job! I have no idea how. I am going to do public relations articles for the university. My resume coming out college isn't going to be too bad at all. I was just casually talking to her after our brief interview and she offered me a job. Pretty crazy. I then called Laura, and she totally has had some really good luck as well. It is funny how so much is being pushed outside the box right now. It is incredible how alive I feel.

I held out from those who wanted me to succumb to mediocrity. And you know what? It is totally paying off. I now have a job that helps me in what I am doing. I am getting my financial stuff taken care of the best I can. Next week, I determine whether all will be settled or not.

I sat down and prayed in St. Francis Xavier at Saint Louis University Sunday. On my knees before God, I said a million thank you's for everything in my life. I said thanks for all the sorrows, hardships, pain, good times and amazing experiences. I thanked God for making me who I am today. I am so thankful sometimes that I am tested. It makes it so much more worth it when everything starts to turn around. I have been tested so many times, and I still go towards the good things in life. I never really turn my back on them no matter how much I am discouraged to do something else.

Not everything is perfect, but something has changed. A question I posed a long time ago has been answered, and now my life is my own. I will succeed. I no longer wonder. I would place all bets on me. If it were a million to one, I still believe I'd have the upper hand. I am not trying to sound cocky. I am just starting to really believe in myself.

- I have seen the blue sky among the white tipped mountains. I have put my feet in crystal clear streams while the hot sun soothes my heart. I have worked hard, thirsting for more, until collapse. I have seen what this world has to offer, and all it can take away. I have seen truth and beauty, and it is great.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

In turmoil, I find an oasis

Something really crazy happened. It happened, and I'd rather not talk about it. I'd rather just show everyone through actions what it means to me.

I won't say that I didn't think it would happen. I could just say I didn't think it would happen now, here. It is written in my journal. I won't try to say more than I know right now.

I just know I'm happy. I'm happy in Southern Illinois. Who would've thought? Pretty crazy, eh?

It is like seeing the world refreshed, respirited.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

A wait through next week.

A putrid taste stagnates in my heart. I have been left with so much on my plate right now with finances or lack there of, I nearly feel burnt out.

I'm still not over what my brother said to me. How could I be? I don't even know how to react to it, and maybe I just don't want to until I really start to breathe. I know he is right about some of the family, but I won't believe it for all. I am grateful for everything anyone has ever done for me, but the people I was talking about really haven't done anything. He might cite something if I have forgotten, but I just can't recall anything. Talk is cheap to me. It NEVER works for me.

I met a crazy cool girl, but my hopes on anything happening are diminishing with my dying ambition. We have a lot in common, but I don't think she even sees me for the fact I'm always so worried about everything else in my life. I also have to deal with an X telling me how horrible I am for this blog. I guess I see why it was good for me to get out in the first place. I forgot how everything I used to do was horrible. Freedom to act goofy or telling the truth without offending? - Who in the hell is that for? (Yeah I have no fucking clue either.)

My friend is helping me, but I still want that loan. I wouldn't be taking away from anyone then. I would just be making a promise to not fail in life. I'd like to think I'm pretty good for that.

I really need this weekend. I really want next week to be over. I really want to go out, at least one day, and tackle as many lead climbs as possible. I want to feel insecure and foolish on a route and still keep going. I want to take falls and feel some sort of exertion. I have not been hard enough on myself lately in that aspect. I no longer feel really alive. I just keep waiting for something to happen to me in an everyday sense, but nothing does. I no longer write for the Daily Egyptian. I no longer have any relationship that makes me feel loved. I haven't taken long road trips and haven't seen a good band since Flogging Molly in Orlando.

I talk about not being myself, but I am. I feel shitty right now just for that reason. I lost my car and now I feel trapped. I might try to fool myself, but I feel like I've been abandoned somewhere. I feel like all the adventure is over. I had no intention for every adventurous aspect to go out of my life. Give me one great adventure! That's all I want right now. It could be a trip to the bars gone totally goofy. I really don't care!

I need to do something this weekend. I'm hoping for great weather and a good climbing partner. All the guys are going to Kentucky. I hope I can find a good climbing partner who stays. Bryant seems up for something, and it would be nice to do some good lead climbing with him for once. I haven't even taken a lead fall with him, and I trust him a great deal. Crazy!

I guess I'm just getting soft. - Something that must be remedied.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I couldn't see the sky.

For a while, I began to stare at my dark muddy path. I fixated on the pain in my legs while trying to move. I lost hope as movement stopped. I prayed, but I never looked up. I cried and only added water to quickening mud.

If I had only seen the sky. If I had only looked up. If only ...

I may have seen the bright blue atmosphere or birds floating in the sky. I might have seen white clouds or a mist rising from the ground. I may have witnessed giant puffy white walls forming in the sky before the rain.

I prayed so hard and so long. "I will not walk away from the truth I've seen in this world,"I cried.

Many around me told me to give in. Not many believed in me. They barked names like lazy and selfish. At a time when I felt most threatened, many walked away. Many could not understand, would not understand my plight. They did not know how threatened I felt. My feet were giving way. I did not know what to do. However, I held on. I said something must happen. My faith had not given way just yet.

As long as it took to solve this problem, it went just as quickly.

My friend has reminded me of a quality I once possessed, lost and now reclaimed -True optimism. I never even asked for help. I never even hoped for it in such a way. I have noticed my friends know me more than my family ever could. It seems I have always been closer to my friends. I wonder why I never put the true importance on them.

Amy wrote me an e-mail tonight showing how much she cared also. My old friends have seen a side in me few others have. I hope to show my greatest side to many many people someday.

I have been so caught up with this idea of family, but in reality, it was only a word. My true family has always been there and never left my side. They were those who hurt because they couldn't help me. They were the ones who stayed by my side, gave me words of hope. The others now lay behind a wall. I do not understand their meaning of family. It is not a quality I want in my life.

It feels very weird to look around me now. It feels as if I have just gotten into college again. I must discover this and forget the transgressions so far on my path.

I have two degrees to work on, three more semesters left in school and a dean's list to keep.

Please, strength, stay with me until the end. I can only get stronger.


About Me

My photo
Ambitiously enduring.