Sunday, October 02, 2005

I couldn't see the sky.

For a while, I began to stare at my dark muddy path. I fixated on the pain in my legs while trying to move. I lost hope as movement stopped. I prayed, but I never looked up. I cried and only added water to quickening mud.

If I had only seen the sky. If I had only looked up. If only ...

I may have seen the bright blue atmosphere or birds floating in the sky. I might have seen white clouds or a mist rising from the ground. I may have witnessed giant puffy white walls forming in the sky before the rain.

I prayed so hard and so long. "I will not walk away from the truth I've seen in this world,"I cried.

Many around me told me to give in. Not many believed in me. They barked names like lazy and selfish. At a time when I felt most threatened, many walked away. Many could not understand, would not understand my plight. They did not know how threatened I felt. My feet were giving way. I did not know what to do. However, I held on. I said something must happen. My faith had not given way just yet.

As long as it took to solve this problem, it went just as quickly.

My friend has reminded me of a quality I once possessed, lost and now reclaimed -True optimism. I never even asked for help. I never even hoped for it in such a way. I have noticed my friends know me more than my family ever could. It seems I have always been closer to my friends. I wonder why I never put the true importance on them.

Amy wrote me an e-mail tonight showing how much she cared also. My old friends have seen a side in me few others have. I hope to show my greatest side to many many people someday.

I have been so caught up with this idea of family, but in reality, it was only a word. My true family has always been there and never left my side. They were those who hurt because they couldn't help me. They were the ones who stayed by my side, gave me words of hope. The others now lay behind a wall. I do not understand their meaning of family. It is not a quality I want in my life.

It feels very weird to look around me now. It feels as if I have just gotten into college again. I must discover this and forget the transgressions so far on my path.

I have two degrees to work on, three more semesters left in school and a dean's list to keep.

Please, strength, stay with me until the end. I can only get stronger.

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Ambitiously enduring.