Monday, October 24, 2005


Distracted as I am, I do not forget those things most important.

I called my sister Linda yesterday. She confirmed I had a place to stay in Colorado during break. It felt good to hear her voice, and she said she was doing better. I asked Ryan to go with me. Today, he will either turn me down, in which case I'll buy a plane ticket, or he will say yes, and I'll make arrangements for the drive. Either way, I will go.

I started seeing a new girl. We have already broken it off, but feelings are still present, at least with me. The whole thing confused me. It started great, and then it was as if I could do nothing right. So, I broke it off thinking she could just do better. I have been given clues that one of my friends likes her, but maybe it is just a mechanism called confirmation bias. It is built of schemas (or blueprints) in our mind. If I expect everything to go wrong, my mind will find reinforcements. It is not as if my friend isn't an awesome friend, or this girl is not a very nice, smart, beautiful girl. It is just I am weary. I want to keep both of them simple, and I do not like the unforeseen drama that could occur.

I know. I know. I'm thinking too much and life isn't flowing.

However, I still feel very scared for what happened last time. I still see Charlotte from time to time, and it is almost as if the anger in her heart is just as fierce as ever. She says she is still afraid, but I always have wondered how much anger is really there. I do not want to go that route with the people currently in my life. So if I have to back off and be cold for a while, accept my place as a student, friend and colleague only and create an existance where hope lives in the future, I will.

Too much hangs in the balance, and I have no reason to take risks right now. I will have plenty of time for risk in the future.

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Ambitiously enduring.