Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A look back before the look forward.

I convince myself time and time again that some things do not matter. However, in reality, they pierce through my shell and strike at my very core. How dysfunctional I feel at times. Here I am. I live where I do not feel at home. I push most people away, and then when all of it hits me, I feel bewildered. How did I become this man? And when will it all be worth it.

My brother once told me that I was too focused on the future. He said I would miss the present. I do not feel he is completely right. I climb when I can. I try to dive into the social scene as much as I can. I bike. I run. I swim. I go on random adventures. Yet, I hold back a piece of me while I am here. I cannot go all out. I cannot be my full self. I am so scared of staying here. I became distant from Alice simply for the reason of saving myself from staying here for two extra years. Was it worth it?

I am traveling to Colorado for three weeks come this weekend. I have many things planned. This trip has been a long time coming. I need to revamp my spirits and intellect. If I have learned anything from all of this, it is this: I must believe in myself and my actions. I cannot afford to dilly dally and question all my actions. This will be a great time to reflect on who I am, what I want and where I shall go.

This year will be a time of many changes. I shall apply to law school, finish my master's degree and train for three races, one which seems nearly impossible at this point. I am already making progress with all three. Nothing is impossible.

"We aim above the mark to hit the mark." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Negative Nancy Post.

Maybe this is a bit in the moment and maybe I am taking too much from this; however there is an evident pattern happening here.

I really hope I don't spend the rest of my life alone. I feel that I am too easily forgotten.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

To lose a friend is an awful thing.

To lose and pretend one's loss is but a trifle when it is simply not has become a specialty of mine. I will have to face it one day, but here, in the present, I march forward into more mysterious days. Expressed later as a tear or a grip of sorrow, I will wince away and prevent anyone from seeing it. I know some will know when I start to fall into a melancholy state of mind of how I carry loss for some time afterward. By now, even I realize, the amount of pain perceived later will be greater than the amount of pain I receive now. Yet time is of the essence now. I cannot slow down.

Soon I will be alone on a path in the mountains, camping underneath the stars and collecting myself before this final onslaught before law school. I shall then shed tears for those friends who were lost, who conveyed that their real interests were not in friendships, but rather in words. Maybe, as they say, I am too dramatic. Yet what is the value of a friendship if it is only expressed in words? For me, a friend is someone nearer and truer. A friend is someone I should/would give up something great to end his/her struggle. A friend for me is someone truly special. If one does not value my friendship, I shall not carry it too far. I would rather it fall by the wayside, and hope it sprouts legs and walks back and proves that I was wrong in my pursuit to cast it out. I have friends who are fun and funny, witty and intelligent, deep and caring, terse and straight, lonely and wandering, curious and wondering. I have friends of all types. They are sometimes the only ones I can count on.

I know that for some, I will never be a good friend. I will never be able to give them what they need. However sad it may be, part of life is acceptance. I shall accept this reality, and move towards those who need me or want me in their life.

"A friend to all is a friend to none." - Aristotle.


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Ambitiously enduring.