Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Everything is spinning.

I feel best when I am part of something, when I feel as if people need me. I sit here tonight. Someone said it would be about the same if I left. It was, I feel, the last person that I may have felt needed me.

And as I sit, I feel more alone than ever. To another, I say, "Even if it was a 'no,' a simple response would have been nice.

I feel as if I have made friends in each place I have been, but stupidly I have clung to this idea of Colorado being home. Now, here I am. I feel more unwelcome than ever. I cling to the hopes of a job, of some stability. I have no other place to go, and the one I love, I fear, does not care if I stay or go.

Dark days, some say, test the mettle of a man. I say that these dark days can be done and over with. I yearn to laugh once again, to see the rhythm among the chaos and the opportunity to choose levity.

For tonight though, I sit alone, suited up to go outside and walk the city streets, my uncle's condescending words ringing in my ears that I am just like my deadbeat father. Those words cutting so deep inside. Right now, I am Depressed and longing for something that I do not feel I deserve.

Dear Brian, I say to myself, hold on. For someone may need you still or be wrong in the present assessment.

I cling to the thought of a warm breeze sifting against the leaves, fresh mountain air, a heartfelt hug, a smile of someone I love, the heavy rain during a summer storm, the feeling of something accomplished, the feeling of challenge, the daring adventure and the thought of someday feeling part of a family. I cling to it as I cling to life even when I descend deeper into this torrent, no clue where I will end or where I may begin again.

Everything is spinning.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Colorado, do you welcome me?

It is not the idealized Colorado of my past. Since my return, I have applied to 40 plus jobs resulting in four interviews emphasizing that I was "overqualified" for the positions. One person even mentioned the fact that he wanted to interview me just to meet me. Another said my resume was intimidating.

Today, I sit in limbo. One manager from a consulting firm took me to lunch where he concluded that I should meet his fellow partners. He says that he thinks I have a really great background. Four or five months is the wait, he says.

This past Tuesday, I interviewed for another position that I desperately want. A lady from D.C. gave me a "9.9," and said that it was a pleasure talking to me. I am very educated about the different facets of this position, proficient in the way nonprofits work, a perfect match for this organization, willing to take a lower salary because it is public interest work. In other words, it would give me some form of fulfillment unattainable by money alone. Alas, the world does not always work on capabilities. So I fear that another opportunity may be slipping from my grasp.

Still, I hang on to HOPE. It is that essence, the feeling that tomorrow will be a better day. Hope is that relaxed element even in the midst of painful, wretched torture that fuels a joke and a relaxed demeanor. Holding on to hope tells the world that I am strong. It shows the world that I will not be so easily broken.

Today, I sit on the edge of homelessness. Tomorrow, I may be stable, happy and productive. On the fulcrum, my weight shifts first towards ruin then to glory. I am careful on the fulcrum. One slight mistake may make me fall the wrong way. It is that hope that keeps me balanced. My education and love for learning help me to focus and stay resilient. My great past keeps the hope alive that it may someday return.

If life is a climb, I fear that this moment is a crux.


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Ambitiously enduring.