Standing in the downpour, countless hours of writing await

When shit hits the fan and everything dwindles in the prospects of oblivion, all you have is your belief in yourself. Never forget this, because it is the very essence of this belief that will help keep your will, your drive, your composure to focus, to get done what needs to get done and to live in the moment with all its insanity.

Let come what will.

The days march on with small steps

For all the whining I do, the days are not so bad. Woke up today to the sun and another onslaught of snow. However, for the past five days, the weather was moist and warm. The clouds did not part as they do today, but it felt a little like Spring.

I cannot fathom what is at the heart of so much disinterest in something I care so much about. I feel as if it is more of a feeling that I will try hard and nothing may come of it. I hate to see a well-educated barista who for all his/her education does nothing more than serve drinks. What a selfish use of an education. However, how is this different from the professor whose research is esoteric and metaphysical? He gets grants to expand our educated minds ... but does this really have a real impact on the world. Does he use his talents in any other way?

So I sit here sometimes, disinterested for only the fact that I am so lonely, that I may not be of use. It kills me because I feel so close to my goals.

Tonight starts the toiling away into the morning hours with work. I feel that if I focus only on this, this school and Moscow ... that I will be able to finish in good fashion. Then with a clear head, I may start to see this school and town more clearly. I may then decide to stay or go from this course.

What I would really like to do with my summer ...

I'd like to drive into a small town/city/suburb, sit down at the counter, and ask someone, "Let me hear about your life. Then I want you to tell me what you think is right and wrong about where our country is going."

I'd ask mayors, the homeless, business owners, construction workers, truck drivers, amusement park workers, the young, the old, the middle aged ... get a canvass of everyone. Hopefully I'd find the optimistic, the pessimistic, the realistic and even the true cynics. I'd pick two big issues per person, write about his/her life (where he/she is coming from with the opinion), then I'd write some background on the subject and where he/she thinks we, as a country, should be moving. Topics would range from big, overall, national debates such as gay marriage to local, specific issues such as water rights.

I'd update this all on another blog, unconnected to this one. As I snaked my way through the country, I would have an update a week with a new person every week. I'd camp out or sleep in my car/ stay with friends or stay in a hotel when a shower was in order.

If not me, someone should do this. I feel like the pulse of America is still there. However, it is hidden by big interests and talking heads, the ideas that separate us all before we even where the other stands.

If I had the funding, I'd dedicate my summer to this. This would be a great idea, and a great adventure.

Searching for a path "to be of use"

I hate to whine. I don't like to complain, and I hate to wake up in the morning without being excited to be alive. 

I think not wanting to be here, not wanting to feel so alone takes my mind so far away from my studies. It is my reason to fail. I feel as if I am falling, as if my darkest fears are materializing, that I will become like my parents. In the Cider House Rules, it is often said that an orphan sometimes knows the value of not hearing the truth. I can relate to this. I don't want to fail my kids by becoming a sort of uninspiring man.

Another phrase from the Cider House Rules is "to be of use." Even though I am not an orphan, I still feel so far away from family, always have, to know the value of being "of use to somebody." I often search for a career where I can give back, help people, play a dynamic role, or really dig into the issues. I thought that was going to be law. Yet it just feels like another hoop to nowhere, and I can't get rid of the sinking feeling that I'm investing in something (this law school) that will really get me nowhere.

I just want to work a good, hard day's work, feel accomplished and as if I am actually working on something. I hate toiling away in academia. 

And all this really does is make it so everyone is so much further away. I feel more alone than ever.