Monday, April 13, 2009
I traveled to southern Illinois this weekend with a friend. We camped near a raging waterfall during the first night.
The night hummed with the waterfall's constant roar. And in the void of the night a persistent drizzle aligned with a darkness in my soul. It questioned my very essence, my strength, my decisions. And as the darkness set in, I found no need to lie anymore. I could just say it and be secure and just
Let Go of Life.
I have found a place to stay in Chicago. They sound like my kind of people. I will never give up on the reasons I do things. I will not succumb to the naysayers or the politics of looking good while not doing much. That is not my way. I will succeed. I will attain the education I need, and the life I want.
I will empathize and will help people. I cannot let myself be scared by the insecurities that come with this life. I will relish them.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
A slow consistent force slithered around my legs, up my torso and soon held me at my shoulders. I was too blind to see it and too numb to feel it. But it had me. It tensed, and I succumbed.
It came at my ankles as an injury forced me into sloth. It slithered around my legs as my vast attempts at friendship here were foiled. It gripped my chest as her friendship fled voiding our relationship. It tensed as I saw reality while in the serpent's grip.
I have conquered this beast as an oak awakens from a lazy winter, sleepy and slow but with the steady hope of a guaranteed summer. Push-ups have given me strength. Climbing has renewed my character. Books have helped to sharpen what has come a docile mind. My heart lay in tatters, a soft spongy mess strewn about the dirty floor.
I will leave Jacksonville in May and will arrive in Chicago. I have no delusions about Chicago or plans. I don't even have a place to stay. But that is the path I have chosen as I try this renaissance of my old self. These words are some of the first that have rung truly from me. With these words, I redefine my character, my self will ... my self discipline.