Thursday, December 14, 2006

Stats prep

'Twas a warm day in December when I first huddled down in some distant basement to review statistics. I felt overwhelmed at first. However, I sit here now a little more confident about tomorrow's exam.

Yet I must wonder,
"Will I ever get this beautiful day back?"

Friday, November 17, 2006

a river.

Sitting on a bridge, I watch the water slowly flow underneath me, and I think, 'Maybe this is my life flowing outward into the world? It slowly carves a small piece.'

If this river is polluted, it will flow outward and poison the world. It will kill life and spread only misery.

If it is pure, it will give tranquility and hope to all life.

So many choices in life to be sad and ungrateful ... so many possibilities to make a living at other people's expense ... so many opportunities to bury a head in the sand and hope everything gets better ...

Yet this is not my life, and I am no less of a man for it. Nor am I burdened. I am grateful for finding myself with a true heart and mind, a solid purpose and a resolution to never abandon humanity.

I should never forget this: I trust in myself.

Monday, November 13, 2006


I stare at the paper. I read it again. I feel numb and sad.

Life is short. I cannot just count the days until I am gone. I might not leave. This I must remember.

A bewildering reality nudges my shoulder. I am not working hard enough. I am guaranteed nothing.

One day you might speak of possibilities of the future with a person. One day you might share a path with someone. Then one day you might wake up to read an obituary.

We are only given a short time on this earth. It seems every day I wake up is a miracle.

Monday, October 30, 2006

upon writing a short story

As I catch myself writing for the first time in a long time tonight, I think maybe everything does happen for a reason.

Monday, October 09, 2006

With my selfish ways....

In my selfish ways, I cut ties with those beautiful souls around me. In my own selfish way, I tend to forget the emotions of those who are not myself.

In my own selfish way, I tend to break the heart of the girl closest to me.

In my own selfish way, I am scared.

Twists and turns in this life have left me heaving at the side of my path, trying to gather some sense of direction. Shut down and disoriented, I have gained my composure and pressed on. I tend to need something out of this life. I need to get some foundation underneath me. I need to invest myself in my greater personal qualities.

So I am selfish and grow further and further away from the man I really am.

Will the cool mountain air refresh my soul or will I be so far gone that I will lose the part of myself I am trying to protect?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

the rush

Will I ever feel the break?! Will I ever feel as if my crashing wave has come to a standstill?!

"Carve me from stone, right from the bone." - Trapt.

I want a pressure and a thrill in life, but I want to know I can handle it. I want a sense of self that I have only felt when challenged. I want a sense of exactness in my fortitude. I want to know the world isn't such a wicked place.

I feel it deep down. I sense it.

Right now, I am hardened. I am fortified against failure. It is a fortification far from success. I need to not hold back this year. I need to let it all go and see where the chips fall. The pressure is great. The sense of immediate failure is even more constant.

So now I finally go for it. I go out on a limb. I head up to the next placement in the rock face. I take the lead in my own life. I know if I doubt myself, I will fall. The consequences will be horrible. I will be scarred. However if I keep faith in myself... If I think about my moves, my technique, my personal strength and how I have it deep down within myself, I will succeed.

My failures are now my successes. My fears are now my fire. The chances I've taken in the past are now my knowledge of the cruelties and blessings in the world.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

My birthday

Only a few days ago I was cold. Only a few days ago, I was 22 years old.

A couple days ago, I was sitting on the edge of working for a woman with whom I had a vested interest. A couple days ago, the weather was putrid.

Suddenly everything changes.

My heart is on fire. My soul, at peace.

My hopes have become wildfires of passion. My heart beats with charismatic triumph as I sit upon the edge of freedom. I run through clouds for miles instead of treading on the ground. My head does not throb at the thought of complex thoughts, but instead welcomes them.

The fire buried deep inside has spread throughout my core. It is no longer within my depths, but travels through every capillary. I breathe and can feel my pulse. I close my eyes and see my heart's throb.

This intensity comes with 23 years. It comes from waiting for a life ready to unfold. A life that already has.

It comes with a realization:
The most beautiful time of anyone's life
the present.

It's the only time we have.

Saturday, August 26, 2006


It's 5:43.

A stillness fills the room. A slight, familiar whistling comes from somewhere in my apartment.

I want to go to sleep. I will be climbing soon. I must go to sleep. Yet this insomnia follows me.

Mumblings awoke me. Stillness follows me.

And all I can really perceive is this weird sense of Deja Vu.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


On the night before school, I have become cold.

I can't feel anything.

I am focused, not fearful, not loving, not caring, not sad, not angry ...

Just focused.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

no answer coming soon

It's late.

I'm tired.

All is well.

A dumb little question sits on my brain since this morning.

I don't think I'll answer it anytime soon.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Communist Climbers?

Apprently Raul Castro is a climber.

Maybe communism isn't so bad ... I mean we have corruption and people starving on the streets... But our (American) people are free to do as they wish.

We need new leadership. Such thoughts are dangerous because I don't believe in communism, but a fascist democracy such as the one that is being created by Bush and his total disregard for American law is just insane.

Is Bush a climber?

Thursday, August 03, 2006

late night thoughts.

Violent. Throbbing. Painful. Emotions grip HOLD.

Once I was young, and once upon a time the world held chances at every corner. It wasn't so evil. It wasn't so damn unfair. It wasn't filled with the starving masses, the fat Americans, global warming, social strife, insane wars and loves that dissipate in a heartbeat.

Naive. Ignorant. Was I.

Now my life holds a purpose, but still I love to reflect when the most important thing was finding her. I love to reflect on how many girls I'd meet, and how many times I wished to meet that one girl. I would sit in my high school classes dreaming of rock climbing and her. I would read and study, but all my hopes were in those two. How naive I was.

Naive. Independent. Crashing. Breathing Waves.

My life is not spoken for. It is not written. No person shall write my future before I set the cards, my cards, in motion. I do fear nearly all true romantic qualities have faded from my existence, but I have found at every instance a true, pure purpose. If I do not find her, I will accept it. If I have already lost her, I will accept it. If my life opens back up, if it transcends the humdrum, if the renaissance comes with the passing of my goals, my soul will be recaptured.

Monday, July 31, 2006

A night inside.

And now my life begins to fall into place. At every step I become stronger. At every single instance of failure I succeed in my own struggle. The last 30 days were mentally fatiguing. They were miserable, and they were some of the best 30 days I've spent, some of the most meaningful.

I come back now to a reality, a reality where the ball has been dropped and sent rolling. It is a reality of choice and circumstance. It is also a reality of opportunity in my own personal legend. I am the happiest I've been in a long time and the most secure I've ever been with myself.

I have goals. I have experiences. I have opportunity, and now I again have a heart. A heart that bleeds, thrives, pulsates uncontrollably and leaps at the scent of pure happiness. It is funny to think I found it in the wild while working with troubled youth, but I did. I guess I found my heart in Michigan. Of all places, Michigan ... Who would have thought?

So now I'm tired, but I write just for the fun of it before sleep. I will surely write a better written thought at a better hour.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Before the wild

A girl once asked me if I still felt alone even though I had her. And I honestly said, no. I loved her with all of my heart. It is comforting to know I felt as if I was connected to someone even if it didn't last. 'Twas a nice feeling.

Sometimes, we just need to breathe and remember that each day has the same potential as the past. Attitude is the key. Passion is the key. Movement and intelligent thought is the key. I know I am guilty of thinking too highly of my past because some great, wonderful, stupendous events took place. However, I must remind myself of the future. I must keep pressing forward so I can look back at my life as a whole and think of what marvelous things I've accomplished.

I write this before heading into the wilderness with a group of 11 troubled adolescents. We will stay out for 30 days and in that period of time will accomplish, hopefully, some life-changing experiences. The mental exertion I face is a mystery as I know it will be to them. Yet I want to test my boundaries in this. I want to discover if my limits and boundaries have grown. I want to see how much I can handle. I hope this doesn't even test my limits.

Because then ...

My future is without boundaries.

Friday, June 16, 2006


Driving into the canyon, the stratified rock towers above my head as the sound of turbulent water ricochets from below.

So many reasons to stay, so many reasons to at least give it all a chance.

I decided to go back to an old familiar place to see whether or not it could be a possibility. I need to accomplish things in my life, but those accomplishments out here would be ... beyond words.

I spoke to a few people. One woman said she had a horrible experience at the school, but others seemed more positive. I spoke to an advisor, and she seemed very positive about my applying to the school. I took it is an overall good sign. I may even know a professor who knows some faculty here.

I really want to accomplish something in life. I really want to feel driven. I think Illinois has played a huge role in my personal growth. I now think that more than ever. I have been shown how to focus my emotions, focus my talents and not succumb to temptations which may divert my path.

But here, I have my emotions back. I feel a sense of liveliness and adventure. My heart is in the right place and is comforted by some of the people. I feel at home.

I will stay, someday. I now know what must be done in the meantime, and Colorado has fortified my intensity. I will accomplish great things even if it takes a better part of my life.

I will fuel the fire inside.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


I laid down my head in the soft green grass and shifted my eyes from puffy white clouds to mighty green mountains. I knew I was home.

I told Erinn that I never really remember what the mountains mean to me until I am back. I have no idea how much I repress until I am here. I just know when I am here, I finally feel a sense of calm coming into my life. I can breathe.

I also get a sense of humor from my family out here. They are always so lighthearted and joyous, especially in the face of something sad. I have found great strength in such optimism.

That was the only first day. I had two hours worth of sleep at a rest stop two miles from the Colorado border. I had nearly hit a couple deer when I decided dying before getting to Colorado just wasn't in the big picture. So I pulled into a rest stop and snoozed until I couldn't stand the excitement anymore.

Today is a new day. It will give me time to think. I have to think of how I will fully accept Southern Illinois for another year. I am looking for an omen, a refreshing way of thought or a little bit of inspiration.

I believe I will find all.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Lost realist

Follow your path and doorways will open. Good fortune shall follow because your personal legend shall be existing. I first heard those words from Paulo Coelho.

These words make me smile. They help me to stay an optimist.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The sun still shines. The wind still blows.

You don't win. I won't let life make me bitter.

I'll still find a reason to smile today. I'll still find a better way. I'll still find a little adventure.

I'll still help those friends who have stayed true.

I have faith in life. I'm sorry for whatever happened. I'm sorry you couldn't even say.


As I came home today ...

Shock ...

Sadness ...


Consumed me.

So here I sit confused, feeling hurt and abandoned by one of my best friends. My concept of friendship and reality may be skewed.

Every signal is that he got mad and left. He didn't give me an explanation. Soon I will be gone. I am deathly afraid I shall leave with not one friend left.

Everyone goes his/her own direction. All friends are scattered by the wind. I just never thought I would lose this one. I hope this is a nightmare of my imagination because if it is real ...

Monday, June 05, 2006

While watching Romeo & Juliet

"Be patient for the world is broad and wide."

Today was a boring day. I have CPR and first aid training this week. I'm also doing a high ropes course for Spectrum Wednesday or Thursday.

What I wouldn't give just for a little sense of adventure.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


My mind is an arsenal. A book is like ammo; an education, a gun.

Some selfish people hold the world ransom for their own interests. So it's up to some to make it a better place using the weapons they have.

I think that is the true way to change things.

It's the reason I read, the reason I study, the reason I'm ready to dedicate a better part of my life to acquiring an arsenal.

The sound of wheat blowing in the summer wind

Could you commiserate with those sad souls lost in the continent Africa?

Could you just for a second forget your splendid life to think of those souls lost in a continent where very few care. A place where people starve while others gorge themselves at the expense of the masses?

Who is more important?!

I say to you, society, START CARING! START GIVING A FUCK!

Tonight I went out with a friend. Tonight I went out and thought of only the people exploited at the hands of the comfortable. I thought of the suffering in my own life. The constant setbacks mending the synapses of my mind.

Are they people?! Of course they are! If you read this, and you think you cannot help then you are seriously mistaken.

If everyone did just a little !!! if everyone cared !!!! just a little!!! then maybe something would happen!

I care. Please care! Please help me find someone who cares!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

The Blue Channel


It takes a great soul to smile at the touch of the simple pleasures of life.

When I run, my breathing becomes rhythmic, steady, deliberate. My legs move without any thought, and my mind floats away at a thousand miles an hour.

I wish ... just for one second ...

I could run a little while without distraction. - I could live a little without thinking of the mountains.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

It just feels so right.

Sick and sad, I sat here today.

I just kept thinking of every place I could be. I went on and on, but then I started to really think about what was bothering me.

I have no idea what in the hell I'm really going to do after graduation. I mean I want to do Peace Corps, but I want some sort of graduate school as well. And that ... well that has really bothered the hell out of me.

I haven't thought about any school in particular. However, I do believe in Omens. And a really big one just hit me.

I know exactly where I would like to go now ... and it is like shooting for the moon, but if I don't get it at least I'll be in the company of stars.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Holding my breath

While tears roll down my cheeks, my mind opens to all it has been ignoring. I have been given time to think, and here, thinking is bad. Here, it tends to make me more depressed as I feel out of place, abandoned and trapped in this town. So I build up a coldness, and I wait to breathe.

Then something happens and all is released.

Unleashed, the coldness gone and now I know how much soul I really do have. I know it burns, and I know any ferocity I have given in the past year hasn't been much.

So like a turtle, I have closed up my shell and kept in so much. And then it hits me, I can't go to Colorado at all this year. I probably cannot go anywhere.

And in the moment, the shell breaks, and I remind myself again and again where I am, and whom I am surrounded by.

The people drink to get drunk, and then stupid. And here stupidity rules. They never study and will know nothing more than when they came in.

I am trapped in this place, a place with two oases ... Friends and Climbing.

It doesn't matter anymore, because I just want to leave. I don't want to be here. And I know how this is a rant, but I really don't want to stay, locked up and confined in one place. I really don't want to see the same cliffs again and again. I don't want to see the stupid excuses for girls. I don't want to see the girls I avoided in high school with no other alternative.

I need a beautiful mind. I need beautiful mountains. I need fresh, clean air with no humidity. I want cool nights and hot days. I just want some more beauty in my life.

And here I am, stuck. So many things bother me about this place. Just one more year for a degree.

It can't come soon enough.

Saturday, May 27, 2006


Boredom must be the most evil thing in the universe.

I need to meet some new people. I need a road trip! I want to have an adventure!

The midwest is boring. Someone please save me.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Free from the box

Gram,,mar ...

Who needs grammar?

Not I.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Five days in the wilderness.

In a certain second, a synapse fired in my mind, and a single tear plummeted from my cheek.

Laying there, looking at the stars, I could think of nothing else, but a short adventure, a true romance and a girl who needed me, truly needed me as much as I needed her. A romantic adventure! A pure experience with true people. Something scary! Dangerous! Risky!

I thought of nothing else in that second. The bottoms of trees shone green from a large fire. Everyone's voice faded. The wind grew stronger, trying to stir me from rest. The trees' leaves rustled just quiet enough to arouse every single hopeful fiber.

Five days in the wilderness was not much. We backpacked mostly along the River to River Trail. Great meals, good conversations and testing simulations of what these "at risk" teens would be like.

I hope I am ready for July. If I come out in one piece, it shall be a true experience.

As always though, I just wish for a little bit of intrigue in my busy life.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Before the summer begins...

I am close to no one.

I have great friends, but am drifting further and further towards total independence.

It is an independence, a coldness, a distance that I fear.

Friday, May 12, 2006

End of finals

Now I am done, and the better feelings of a better world rejoice as my true self returns. I know this summer will test every little fiber in me. I desperately want to go to Colorado and have been given the chance and a rather large sum of money to quit Touch of Nature and go walkabout for the summer.

However my resume consumes me. Bettering myself consumes me.

Enlightenment is a must.

My romantic spirit swims to the surface waters of my soul. It badly needs to break through. I would rather it consume me like old times. I'd rather feel lost in the midst of a great passion.

I asked my mom for a passport for my birthday. She never understands what this is that consumes me in a desperate pursuit to make my life beautiful, standing out against the mundane the way a Matisse would stand out against a Rockwell, faint and beautiful, never ordinary.

The wet cool summer air hit me yesterday while working outside, and I was swept up with nostalgic notions of high school. I never would have seen myself here, ever. I can't tell if that makes me happy or not though. I pictured myself somewhere North in the midst of intellectuals and enlightening dialect.

So here I am ... sick from finals desperation, nostalgic, filled with lost passion and tired as my muscles fill with those hardwork acids.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Save the world, lose the girl.

If you're going to play a part in my life then PLEASE!!!! make it interesting.

I want a passionate life.

The summer begins

Some times more than others, I miss:

golden canyons, crimson when near, with a well-spoken stream below
a liberal class of society so outspoken even I seem to blend
a place where green grass only grows in valley floors
a pre-sunset shadow falling before a granite wall

a unique, clear feeling

I miss Colorado.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

A smile after a run

As if my run within this mysterious rainy night was not enough to calm my spirit and make me believe in the inner beauty of life, I helped a young lady during my walk to cool down.

She was sitting on the street corner crying. Two drunk people were unsuccessfully trying to console her. My kryptonite is a girl crying. I asked her if she would like to walk with me during my cool down. I then asked if she was crying because she lost her shoes. (She was barefoot.) I tricked her into smiling. Laughter is the most intelligent, most sincere part of our soul. And when we release it, we give our heart strength to fly even in the most trying of times.

The person she was crying about soon came to talk to her. I hope she found some happiness tonight. I also hope one relationship does not taint her life.

It felt good to help someone in need. Even replacing one tear with a smile is good enough for me.

"Deus Caritas Est"

God is love.

I've never made it perfectly clear how I feel about Yahweh. Let me try to explain ...

The perfect white light, the feeling of cool rain on warm skin, the warm breeze, the tingling sensation felt when something truly affects my conscious, the warmth of love, the purity of charity, the greatness of the human spirit in the face of adversity ...

This would only describe the very surface, the most outer layer of the way I feel of Yahweh. When in danger, when in love, when there is any question of passion, I always turn towards an inner light. I find truth in this presence. I find my higher quality and my higher meaning. I find Yahweh in people's hearts, minds and souls. I find the hidden and mysterious name, the name of the substance, the proper name within the truth.

Imagine staring at a dim yellow light your whole life. All of society talks about how great this light is. Deep down in your heart, you know how this light is dim, but to go against the grain would be hard. Like turning yourself into water and throwing yourself onto the roaring fire of society, you would only sizzle and then dissipate into a cloud of mist. Your very essence would be consumed in the flames. So you keep going with society because it is the rational thing to do.

However someday a person will open the door to your little room and let in the world. The sun's magnificent, radiant, white light will pour through the room. It will cause your pupils to constrict. It will shower your very skin with warmth. Instantly, you will have seen the truth. Instantly, the dim yellow light can be no more. The truth has come out. It has shown you the right way, the true way to happiness. Maybe you will be able to lie to yourself, but only in the torment of your own mind. Who could possible turn away from the sun for a dim yellow light? Your body craves it. Your soul craves it. Being held away would be torture, and no great reward from society could equal the warmth and glow of those rays.

Only in the sunlight will we ever see the truth.

Sunday, April 30, 2006


Colour brightens as the clouds darken overhead. I gain a vivid picture of life as the contrast becomes greater.

As I sit here now, basking in the natural silhouettes filtering through the room, I think next week will come and go as my life will surely come and go. Friends will come and go.

Life abounds with lessons.

When I was still very young, the darkness used to scare me. It was unfamiliar, vague. It had all the possibilities of ending me. I thought of strangers, wild animals, my weaknesses and even familiar strangers who scared me. Then came immersion ... I spent more and more time outdoors, in the streetlights, then in the moonlight, then with friends on dark nights roaming where I shouldn't. Each time, I returned safely. Each time I grew stronger. And just like that, the night became a part of me.

Overcoming a part of myself, I soon realized I had no idea of my possibilties. I still believe no one does until tested, a trial by fire.

Friday, April 28, 2006


My view of reality flickers, and I realize I am still asleep. And as images flicker, the contrast between a sprint and a casual jog becomes apparent. This is the real world that I must soon return to.

In retaliation, my eyes close. My mind labors to stay sunken like a deepwater squid spotted by a marine biologist with a scalpel instead of a sense of humor. The labor of the mind intensifies as pictures come back of words and pages, intense images and experiences I have yet to encounter.

Then I am awake, and I think how can I make today fit closer to my dreams?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Da Funk

After reaching the snooze button for the fourth-consecutive time, I decided to roll out of bed and into my shirt-covered floor.

Soon the computer was playing Pulley.
Insect's Destroy
I'm looking for a friend today
Another victim just like me
A lunatic a loser a freak
Another casualty from a fucked up society
I gave my all to the system
Half my life still in question
All about the money and power
All the greed they've devoured
You never gave any credibility for a vision given to the enemy
And on the faces of humanity
A stone's eye throw for a man
On a pedestal
You sold your soul to the man
Another deal a deal gone bad
Another seed that never gets planted
Corporate insects destroy our planet
Never going to let another day die
My friend you and I
Feel the heat from the fire outside
Burning hot still alive
I keep it bottled inside me
You keep it bottled inside you
See the sun drop colours of red
Broken bones for a mouth well fed
Bring back a real train of thought
Another tool for the melting pot

Turned the shower completely cold and tried to feel alive.

An uncomfortable funk grips me.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Amoeba Brains

I use my right hand to assist in the jump towards the three-finger hold.
This route scares me no more.

I have my three fingers of my left hand smashed into this hold while my body dangles. My muscles contract, my body follows upward. Now I have a foot on the rock. I can steady myself, go up for a tiny flake in the rock with my left hand. I make the clip and move upward.

At the second clip something happens. My hand is slimy. I can't hold on to make the next clip. As I look downward, I know my ankle will not like the consequence of a fall this high up. But the move is still awkward, and my right hand will not leave the rock. As sweat leaks from my already soggy hand, I begin to accept I could fall. The people below me have started to wonder why I haven't made the clip. I keep my composure because what other choice is there, but they start to panic and yell out "foot" every five seconds. After some time, I give up hope of holding on with my right arm and use my forearm for stability while I reach down with my left to pick up a quickdraw from my harness. As the clip falls in, I know they didn't see it coming. I know they saw my fall. But I shrug it off and take a break. My energy is zapped, but this route will not have me today.

I finished the route without incident. I felt very tired and drained, but I finished.
I ended with a long easy route with a bit of a runout to calm my mind.

I decided that day to run a half marathon by the end of the summer. My training will start today. I need endurance. Both mental and physical.

As I grow stronger, I tend to develop a sense of comfort. I need to switch everything up and get to the next level. I will begin taking many falls (these not quite so dangerous) as I move up to harder and harder routes.

I know my weaknesses. I understand my weaknesses. Now I must break them before I finish school. There is no room for weakness in life, at least not with what I want to accomplish.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

A look into the adventure of life.

It is an instant purpose, the greatest of all feelings.

I once walked upon a bridge filled with a fog and a coolness. A river lit up brightly from the body of foggy light transcending upon it. My heart overflowed with passion. The brightness. The atmosphere. The adventure. The risk. Others had their ordinary lives, but for a moment I broke free.

I first came to Carbondale, and it was new, exciting. I saw her face and my life lit up. Nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I couldn't do.

I found myself driving to St. Louis. The possibilties were limitless. I followed my handwritten directions to the girl whom I had first met at the start of a sunrise.

Walked into the St. Francis Xavier at St. Lous University, held her hand and kneeled. I wished God to help her. I wished such a beautiful existance for her. I did not however wish to keep her for that time I knew it was over before it started. Yet such a beautiful day.

She called. It was over, she said. I said I was happy she made a decision. Happy she wasn't confused. She then said we had to talk about it in person. Walking through the door, I made some food and we began to talk. I told her never to settle, always to find her path and always, always go wherever her heart would take her. We kissed one last time with few tears, knowing we were both on a good, solid path.

Knowing her, we walked through the tall grass finding various examples of flora. She knew them all by name and would go on at length. I'd grab her hand, and she'd stop lost in thought. Stopping by a little brook, I held her as if I'd never let go. That day ended walking along with the statues and beautiful architecture thinking that if we were as beautiful it might last.

She called. I asked the questions this time. Two hours later, she called back. She had to talk to me again. She said it was hard to find someone who could talk about the world. I suggested we meet, talk over coffee. My roommate said I was a fool. I said I knew adventure. Then as I reached her dorm and rang the bell. I thought I had been mistaken by the glimpse of beauty I saw coming down the stairs. We walked in the snow that night, stopping under a light to have our first kiss. Then whispering in a park of how we had waited so long to meet each other, so long to find it all.

Everything ends. But one day, everything will stay.

Friday, April 21, 2006


Be exciting! Live for just once in your life! Be happy and celebrate! Find a reason to be proud!

I tried to explain lastnight why life was so much better sober, and it seemed as if this guy finally got the picture. I say fuck a life that needs drugs to be interesting. I say to hell with that boring of an existance. It is the easy way out. It is the television of intellectualism. Sure anyone can say something stupid thinking it is intelligent while they are stoned, but I see it differently.

If we only live once, why would we want to dull any moment of this life? Sure, relax once in a while but if you go through your life just getting drunk and stoned as a source of fun, well ... what a useless existance.

Your soul is wasted.


Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Every chance is a path.

Freedom is the succession of powerful, propelling thrusting feet, a body swiftly floating over the ground.

It is my heart pounding, lungs expanding, mind focusing. It is the strength and joy I receive.

How many more paths could I choose before I must choose one? How many more paths must I see before I can be sure I have chosen the right one? Only through being strong may I choose the right path. Only through being able to run them all may I find one suitable. Only by being optimistic and righteous may I remember the right ideals to carry me down the right path.

Every chance is a path.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Monday, April 17, 2006

Red Rocks, Nevada

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Before a late walk

Dramatic passions make life visible, real. Mystery makes it worth living. The new, everchanging perplexities of life direct a temperament.

a song in the background reminds me of so many dramatic passions.
love seems so distant, less visible, no more the vision, the passion, the dream. now only the undoing, the journey off the path - unnerving, ending destruction of one's dreams.

The sleepless night carries me in l o n g thoughts. A harsh sound awakes a dreamy soul, and television waves now whisper through paper-thin walls. I no longer have hopes of finding that one girl in Carbondale. It seems as if I gained so much more than a girl here. She was never supposed to be here. Girls live on different substance here. Something less than what I need.

I must admit, however, the countryside ...

'tis beautiful.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


Cloudy and warm ...

Let the radiance come. Allow the courage of life to consume all.

When a heart burns, it sets fire to everything around. People with their jeers, downcast eyes, doubts act as water on a roaring fire. If the fire is deep, it smoulders. It buries itself and waits.

Explosive roar. Hunger. Ambition. The apathy lets go. The light shines. No dispirited water can quell.

The summer approaches. School will soon wait.

I feel young again.

Thursday, April 13, 2006


Inspired when I am the most active and bleeding when I sit indolent
head throbbing
little pill salvaging spirit
spilling soul
body overheating
awaiting delivery
please digest

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Dusting the cover, reflecting the truth

The spiral cover, the holding on, the deliberation and successions ... seem confounded at a sense of better destiny. Yet true spirit holds. A granite soul balances sharp glances at the mind's own eye.

About yesterday ...

It is sometimes the trickiest of things to let go of life in order to truly live. But we must all take a willingful fall before life ever becomes without boundaries, interference, fear.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Yelling fury of one's own destruction

I fled home to escape back into the fire. I thought maybe this time I was stronger, so in the end I could make it, be stronger.

I could make it back home, never returning.

I will be stronger.

But at what price do I suffer this fate? I want to go home. I should have never come back to Illinois.

I do suffer.

Saturday, April 01, 2006


The choices I make seem unmistakably bold and at the same time, deliberately yielding.

I glanced up to see a girl, whom I once knew, reading. She was very close to me, and now she is to be wed to another. How fast things change. It was only months ago. And look at me, here at this school, pondering out my future days. I want something to connect to, but I only see my life starting in the future.

I do what I can to stay sane: a book a week, constant studying, great friends and a positive enjoyment in the places around me.

But I still look up at the horizon and wait for my day to come.

The day I get to leave.

Friday, March 31, 2006

so much to do

The weather, warm.
The trees, green.

Give me time to breathe

I want to enjoy this.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Letting go of the reins.

Let it go.

SIU police sometimes lie or exaggerate, whichever you prefer. And sometimes that lands you and your buddies in a world of trouble. They say you were on the roof. You were never even on the stairs. You never saw anyone on the roof or even breach the roof, and you were watching. They say, they told you it would be given to Judicial Affairs. Then why did you not hear it? Why did everything come as such a shock?

Let it go.

I sit here missing the West, missing my phone and missing any sense of real freedom I may have once felt. I always feel shackled in Illinois. I am being punished for my shortcomings. For good behavior, I get good friends and good grades. It lessens the load. I also have climbing. However, soon the shackles might grip even harder as Judicial Affairs starts handing out the punishments. Somewhere deep down, I hope for a fine or maybe nothing if justice would prevail. While at other times, I hope the lies on the police report do not end in expulsion. Where would I go? How could I pay off all those bills without a good job? How would I get into the Peace Corps, law school, the rest of my life.

Let it go.

Because that is what I need to do. "Let it go." I need to have faith that this is my path, and I could never be happier with any other. Wherever life takes me, I shall embrace it. The dead ends will make me stronger. The pain will make me tougher. My failures shall only be covered when I mask them with success.

And to think before all of this, I was just worried about getting a decent girlfriend. haha.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Gut Instincts

Dear Friends,

I cannot recall the vast impropriety in which you have labeled me. I think some know me while others have no clue. But who cares! I know myself. But please do not judge me so quickly. The wall that I hide behind towers above most noble qualities found deep within my soul.

So who am I? Judge for yourself. Do it with an open mind. Do it with a free spirit. Please, open your heart for me and strive to see the same great spirit I see in all of you.


Red Rocks. Let me just say, "Wow." The beauty of the windy solitude, the crimson layers of hardened desert sandstone, the green cacti thriving in the harsh, unforgiving wasteland. T'was what Christ saw when he left society to feel closer to God.

I feel as if life is unyielding in giving me what I really need, what I truly want. However, I have hardened. My skin is thick like that of a Sequoia. No fire can burn me. No hope lost may extinguish my productivity. Hope is found within my heart. My need for love is gone. It is a dream, kept at times while at others ...


Wednesday, March 08, 2006

why I am alone

In the rain, I notice no one beside me. When I go home, no one waits. When I call, no one expects my call.

It does not bother me, then it does. I am independent, but I am not. I immerse myself in economics, philosophy, literature, physics and climbing. I think of nothing else.

And then it rains ...

And the warm rain reminds me of a kiss so deeply felt, so deeply given that I wish to give it again. It reminds me of my heart and soul, my muse - love. How much deeper I think when it is all true.

Yet love cannot be for sometime. In the absence of truth, I am destroyed. My schoolwork fails. I am left with nothing. Then I only have doubt. Without faith, I'm nothing.

So for the sake of all, I am alone, searching out for a little bit of truth.

Monday, March 06, 2006

No lies.

Connect. Let go of the world.
All is well.
Night est noir. N'echappez pas.

Deliverance comes at one's own hands.
One's soul is one. L'esprit respire desdans la coeur.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Dream in the grass

I ran outside, turned the corner and fell. My legs acquiesced in the numb ruling to fall.

And I fell, the warm air reaching, breathing over me. The tall dark grass blew. The silhouette of branches clung to the dark shafts that were trees. No moon so the stars burned bright. I just lay there. Not thinking, hesitating one bit. At peace. If it were my last moment, good.

-And after I awoke, I went outside to the cold wet breeze. I sat down on a cold, wet rock. I gazed at the people around me all scurrying around, walking without a look from the ground. My mind wondered. I think maybe there is a place where people do not follow so compliantly, are not so absent to the outside world, are not so intrigued by the mundane on television, but are intrigued by the breathing, calculating perplexities of life.

And all I want is to find those people. I want to explore. I want to visit new places.

I want to exceed this school.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

TOUGH it out!

I'm reclaiming myself.

No more of this. No more being afraid of anything. It's mine.

I am happy if you aren't. I am grateful for everything. I will do what I need to do in this life, idealist or not. Later tonight, I meet the rep from the Peace Corps. I will ask him all of my questions, and we'll see how soon I can sign up. I'm dropping a class and will be studying again for the LSAT.

May 25 I'll be in Denver for Millencolin. Hahahahah. :-)

Maybe going to SIU was detrimental at first, but I kept myself in the face of adversity. I stayed true to myself, and even in doubt, found myself at a better place.

I don't think my trial by fire is yet over, but I am stronger every single day.

Monday, February 20, 2006


In a computer room ...

A little hiss of air escapes from the ceiling. The continous roar from the vent tries to overshadow it.

I feel calm. My life seems smooth. My senses are heightened.

When a see an Oreo, I nearly crumble. When I think of food, I salivate. More than not, this is psychological.

My body feels colder than normal. I dream of tomorrow and the next phase: brown rice and kale. I remind myself this is for self discipline, for health, for cleansing. I had moments yesterday which were unbearable. Other times, I didn't even notice.

I hope today is not so bad. I want to focus on myself and not food at this time.

It is about strength, determination and self control. It seems as if when I can focus, everything is sharper, every smell a little more real.

- My life is becoming more real, more how I want it to be. If we have one life on Earth, we should make it the best we can, the most beautiful, the most extreme, extravagant and bewildering. I have focused on passion, laughter and enlightenment.

All I can do is smile and know my life is mine.

-Millencolin (Battery Check)

Hitting P.B. drivin E20 north
Future plans being made
Going back and forth
Remain passive
I do got dreams on my mind
And I really should be taking a chance
Risk my safety just for once advance
The one who is trying
Is the one who succeeds
I should be following
My heart and my needs
But I know it's a problem for me
To translate words into deeds

Please say you feel the same way
Just say you know exactly how I feel
So say you feel the same way
And I will do it for real

When will I live my live for me?
When will I do what I want to?
When will I let myself be free
And take care of things that I value?
It's true. I need to forgive myself and see
It's not too late for something new

Thursday, February 16, 2006


Outside, dreariness creeps among the warmth as rain falls from the sky.

Inside, I breathe deeply and think of an old saying, "Work smart, not hard." And now I totally disagree. Why? It is simple.

Hard work is so rewarding. I just Aced a test that I could have done haphazard on. Haha. It just feels so great to know how well I was prepared for it, how well I understood every concept. I stayed up the entire night mastering the subject.

I say work hard and smart. The rewards will be that much greater. Some say we never use our full potential, but what if we simply started trying? That is what I'm up to. Simply trying.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A warmer day

Valentine's Day, a highly commercial holiday started for the exact purpose of increasing profit.

That said ... Motive does not always reflect outcome.

Sunshine and 50, the climbing scene gleams as rock sits dry. Routes beg to be climbed.

And being Valentine's Day, maybe I should go out in search of love. Or maybe the beginnings have already found me. And maybe a prospect, so recently, has blazed into my life. And has been so much excitement that sometimes it could almost be the rock.

And so the adventure of today begins, better or worse, 'tis a very beautiful day.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

too busy

Valentine's Day sits around the corner.

As it is now, it's just another day. And I don't think I would want it to be anything else.

I'm just too busy.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Random thoughts of snow.

A white world, untouched and bright paints itself with little snow flakes.

It feels warmer on these days.

New days are about once again. And I am reminded of the mountains.

Bright white lines form on tops of dark branches.

So subtle but not, as the sky now matches with both the ground and the trees.

I'd rather be in two places at a time like this ... 1. Walking through the streets in some big city full of art museums, universities, cathedrals, science exhibits, aquariums and the like. or 2. Tramping through the mountains doing anything at all.

Monday, February 06, 2006



Some people believe no such thing exists. It is all just a representation of what people think they know. I don't believe it.

Truth is real.

I heard Earl Caldwell tonight talk about the Martin Luther King, Jr. assassination. He was a respected journalist from the New York Times, and also an eye witness. But it seems his testimony was discredited. They told him that he was just seeing things. Even after having people corroborate his story. The goverment at the time did nothing to seek the truth. He even said parts of the crime scene were totally destroyed.

And there it is... The truth we hear, and the truth. They are so often two different things. Congress tells us it wants to pass a clean energy bill, but at the end of the resolution places a tax break for oil companies onto the bill.

As he was talking, I felt so alive.

I want to go out and fight the good fight. I want to fight for what people really want, or what I really feel deep down they all want, a righteous world. I want to be someone who sacrifices all the big things so maybe we can have a better world.

Call me an idealist. I'm just young. If I have it my way, I'll have this courage for a very long time.

New friends are golden, old friends are platinum

Hope is a powerful and dangerous thing. It creates our worlds and destroys them just as fast.

Lastnight I cheered to good friends. I made Bryant laugh so hard he threw up, and I lost touch with those things bothering me.

Somehow right now I think I just lost a new friend. I feel hurt but I know it is not worth the pain. I have lost so many friends.

I am glad to have the great ones here.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

A smooth sunday afternoon

Even in bitter winter, I still sometimes lose myself in warmth.

Today is a beautiful day. The teal sky and white puffy clouds illuminate the barren trees swinging in the soft wind. The warming sun contrasts the cold, radiating my heart, strengthening the very rhythm of the day.

I woke up today reading of Ireland, of an immigrant's life and his return to the place of his ancestors. His father, a drunkard, has left his family in such a mess. I only wonder what will happen in the future. Even though I never grew up in the household, it reminds me of the ways my biological mom and my brother and sister had to endure at the hands of my irresponsible father who only made life worse. The book hits me hard, but does not dampen my spirit. It only reminds me of all the ways I have been made better.

Yesterday, I climbed. I really wish I was climbing right now, but too much has to be done. I need straight A's. Everything rides on it.

The ice-cold rock made my hands numb while I climbed, but my feet were very sticky and secure. My heart stayed steady as I moved up the rock. Everything felt secure. I lost touch with the world and only knew the rock. I didn't fear anything. I didn't look for the fall nor did I think I would.

It has been a long time since I haven't feared the fall. It felt great, and I know it comes as my life is finding more and more stability. I have begun to see my path and succeed in my studies. I have seen professors impressed in my abilities. It gives me confidence in myself.

Yet all is not great and could be better. So I will strive forward while remembering I am only one man. A man who can only go as far as his feet will carry him. Then I will flip over on my stomach and crawl using my arms. Haha.

Friday, February 03, 2006

With achievement comes perseverance

I tend to concentrate on one thing and lose sight of everything else.

I wish there were more hours in a day. I wish I wasn't so tired come 9 p.m.

But with so few hours in a day, I have to choose constantly what is important and what is not. I almost always choose school over everything else. But at what cost? Am I gradually losing my sense of humor? Am I becoming a stickler?

I can't stay up until 12 a.m. every night. It is hurting everything, but I constantly want to stay up so I can maybe talk with someone. Yet, it never works.

Loading up on caffeine this morning, I remember the words of Emerson, "College is not an education, but a means to an education." or something like that. So what am I learning? How to make busy every waking moment of my life?

If you read this and think I'm confused and I'm figuring anything out - I'm too busy to figure anything out, what are you? Crazy or something?

First French lesson tonight, WoooHOOO!!!!

Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks. Coffee rocks.

I'm super hyper.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Imagine the possibilties if our dreams were left to soar, if our hopes were not smashed. We were given the chances we needed to succeed and the hope to carry our ambitions.

Just imagine . . .

No teachers making anyone feel unspecial. Parents telling their children how anything is possible.

A man in his late 40s once told me that he had not used his full potential. He went on to say no one really uses his or her full potential. But what would have to happen to use this full potential? A person's ambition would have to be high. Doors would have to open. And something would have to be there to inspire and give hope in times of doubt.

Where is this blog coming from?

I may have been given a chance to start out in life. It is a better start than I had hoped for and is a new an interesting path. It might also give me some foundation. I still can have everything else with this path, but it might just be a better place to start.

I hope one day I can fuel this burning, driving ambition.


About Me

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Ambitiously enduring.