Be Earnest

Truth be told, my last post was not too sincere. I guess sometimes we have to pick whether we want to digest all the truth and accept the reality of the situation or live in fantasy.

Truth is important. It's acceptance shapes the perception for everything. I would rather accept the world for how it is.

I have a way of not liking some of my decisions. Yet, for many reasons, I do not make decisions for absurd reasons. I have no idea how a situation may change after my decision. I am simply a man who has to do the best with what he has got.

I have great friends who celebrate the light and stand by me in the darkness. Thank you.

I am also very grateful for who I am and for the experiences that have led me this way. 

Some distant day maybe people will stop seeing me for who I am not. They might see that I don't live as a reckless figure, but as a man who has a plan to live a peaceful life; someone who can fall asleep knowing he did not take his excess from one who could not afford to lose a morsel. My conscience hangs over me as a wise, old friend. He reminds me that even in the darkest of times, it is not worth losing the truer aspects of my soul. For this, I am very thankful. For now, while some see me in such a dismal light, I shall stare up into those cherished stars while remembering my younger self on so many lonely, warm nights. I burned for everything back then. I would have accepted anyone. I would have forgiven anyone. I let my heart loose and wished for so much.

So I have been burnt a few times now ... Truth is that I live for this. I live for the optimism that I may someday find what I have searched so far for.

Well ... That's what I get.

I fell in love with a young girl. I knew what was going to happen, and then it did. What a bummer! C'est la vie. I never expected too much from the relationship anyway. If not for Zion, it would not have compared to too many of my other relationships ...  Zion was amazing.

I need to get back out West. I need to be more picky about who I date also. Yet, I am glad I was optimistic enough to believe in it in the first place.

I shall be optimistic again. With that I say good night, for I go back to my first love (beautiful rock climbing) tomorrow. :-)

My hope is a young tree

I sat with someone last night, and I wondered why I had cared so much so long ago. In the night, sitting there talking, I felt as if she was a fine girl, but I could never give her what she needs or wants from life. For love had no chance down this path. 

As time courses over my soul, it roughens it in some places, smooths it in others. It leaves memories only a semblance of what they once were. The present gives a certain crispness in lieu of such fading emotions. For once, I was in love. Now, I am a man who can see the futility in it all. So instead, I will climb. I will run. I will bike. I will study and write; and I will cultivate my mind. For if there is no soul that feels utterly attached to mine, then I shall break free from the shackles of this cumbersome burden of trying to find something that does not exist. 

My hope is a young tree. Given water and sunshine in its youth, it burrowed its roots deep underground. It understands that deep roots will pull up the groundwater during a drought. It understands that deep and wide roots will help keep it stable. Like any tree, it knows the higher it grows, the more storms, the more winds, the more danger it will face. Some will come and want to chop it down for the moment of energy they might gain. Some will come with their poison and try to taint the groundwater. But I have already tested the texture of this tree. I have thrown fires at it that may have killed other trees with less bark. I have given it no water and asked it to grow. I have turned my back on this tree too many times.

Nevertheless, this tree has saved me.

It has kept me from the brink and sheltered me from what is sometimes a desert of despair. 

It has been nurtured by few, and it has pulled from the greatness of  the unknown. It has held onto the aesthetic and basked in the glory of adventure and freedom. 

This young tree will most likely endure much more. Yet, I should strive harder to give it fresher water and a fresher view.  

Exam Day

What seems impossible is just a task for which we have not devised a strategy. Steinbeck wrote that he would feel the burden of any of his books as something impossible. Yet, his writing has given birth to some of the best American prose.

I recently took a law exam. Soon, I will be measured against people who have been in the practice of studying for law and writing law exams for three years. It is as if I jumped on a harder climb to see what it is like and found myself confidently climbing. The challenge of this exam was a bit like a climb. It was scary. It was nerve wracking at times. Yet, the journey through the test and the feeling afterward made me feel amazing.

I cannot lose sight of who I am.
I cannot lose sight of what I need from this life.

Writing for Catharsis

"You may not trust the promises in the change I show, but I will be yours if you'll be mine," Mumford & Sons sang last summer at Bonnaroo. I was just listening to it, and it forced my hand to write these words. I just needed to get them out.

I sometimes can't get over the fact we shared so much. We shared a love for reading great literature, the same literature, and the lyrics of great music carried our hearts together as we walked. So deep was our connection, that when she tempted to go out onto that vertical ledge of the climbing world, she sounded as if she knew the rhythm of my heart, and it carried back into me, and I felt excited again about the prospects of climbing in a new place. I can understand more knowing now that I cannot have her ... and knowing how great and how painful it is to share this with her. It is an empathy that stings with pain, that creases my heart to be gentler and yet braver knowing that it can endure much more than what I once thought.

I have thought a lot of where I will go this summer once the UCOWR conference and LSAT is done. I have thought maybe I will take a friend with me. I have also thought that maybe I will see my brother. I have also more recently thought that I will go off on my own for a while. I may stay in the U.S., and yet I may leave. There are benefits to both. I wonder where this world will take me?

The rain falls tonight in little drops. I will soon finish the last question in stats and then pick up a friend at the train station in the wee morning hours. I feel calm and well. Writing always seems to soothe my heart.