Wednesday, May 31, 2006

It just feels so right.

Sick and sad, I sat here today.

I just kept thinking of every place I could be. I went on and on, but then I started to really think about what was bothering me.

I have no idea what in the hell I'm really going to do after graduation. I mean I want to do Peace Corps, but I want some sort of graduate school as well. And that ... well that has really bothered the hell out of me.

I haven't thought about any school in particular. However, I do believe in Omens. And a really big one just hit me.

I know exactly where I would like to go now ... and it is like shooting for the moon, but if I don't get it at least I'll be in the company of stars.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Holding my breath

While tears roll down my cheeks, my mind opens to all it has been ignoring. I have been given time to think, and here, thinking is bad. Here, it tends to make me more depressed as I feel out of place, abandoned and trapped in this town. So I build up a coldness, and I wait to breathe.

Then something happens and all is released.

Unleashed, the coldness gone and now I know how much soul I really do have. I know it burns, and I know any ferocity I have given in the past year hasn't been much.

So like a turtle, I have closed up my shell and kept in so much. And then it hits me, I can't go to Colorado at all this year. I probably cannot go anywhere.

And in the moment, the shell breaks, and I remind myself again and again where I am, and whom I am surrounded by.

The people drink to get drunk, and then stupid. And here stupidity rules. They never study and will know nothing more than when they came in.

I am trapped in this place, a place with two oases ... Friends and Climbing.

It doesn't matter anymore, because I just want to leave. I don't want to be here. And I know how this is a rant, but I really don't want to stay, locked up and confined in one place. I really don't want to see the same cliffs again and again. I don't want to see the stupid excuses for girls. I don't want to see the girls I avoided in high school with no other alternative.

I need a beautiful mind. I need beautiful mountains. I need fresh, clean air with no humidity. I want cool nights and hot days. I just want some more beauty in my life.

And here I am, stuck. So many things bother me about this place. Just one more year for a degree.

It can't come soon enough.

Saturday, May 27, 2006


Boredom must be the most evil thing in the universe.

I need to meet some new people. I need a road trip! I want to have an adventure!

The midwest is boring. Someone please save me.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Free from the box

Gram,,mar ...

Who needs grammar?

Not I.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Five days in the wilderness.

In a certain second, a synapse fired in my mind, and a single tear plummeted from my cheek.

Laying there, looking at the stars, I could think of nothing else, but a short adventure, a true romance and a girl who needed me, truly needed me as much as I needed her. A romantic adventure! A pure experience with true people. Something scary! Dangerous! Risky!

I thought of nothing else in that second. The bottoms of trees shone green from a large fire. Everyone's voice faded. The wind grew stronger, trying to stir me from rest. The trees' leaves rustled just quiet enough to arouse every single hopeful fiber.

Five days in the wilderness was not much. We backpacked mostly along the River to River Trail. Great meals, good conversations and testing simulations of what these "at risk" teens would be like.

I hope I am ready for July. If I come out in one piece, it shall be a true experience.

As always though, I just wish for a little bit of intrigue in my busy life.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Before the summer begins...

I am close to no one.

I have great friends, but am drifting further and further towards total independence.

It is an independence, a coldness, a distance that I fear.

Friday, May 12, 2006

End of finals

Now I am done, and the better feelings of a better world rejoice as my true self returns. I know this summer will test every little fiber in me. I desperately want to go to Colorado and have been given the chance and a rather large sum of money to quit Touch of Nature and go walkabout for the summer.

However my resume consumes me. Bettering myself consumes me.

Enlightenment is a must.

My romantic spirit swims to the surface waters of my soul. It badly needs to break through. I would rather it consume me like old times. I'd rather feel lost in the midst of a great passion.

I asked my mom for a passport for my birthday. She never understands what this is that consumes me in a desperate pursuit to make my life beautiful, standing out against the mundane the way a Matisse would stand out against a Rockwell, faint and beautiful, never ordinary.

The wet cool summer air hit me yesterday while working outside, and I was swept up with nostalgic notions of high school. I never would have seen myself here, ever. I can't tell if that makes me happy or not though. I pictured myself somewhere North in the midst of intellectuals and enlightening dialect.

So here I am ... sick from finals desperation, nostalgic, filled with lost passion and tired as my muscles fill with those hardwork acids.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Save the world, lose the girl.

If you're going to play a part in my life then PLEASE!!!! make it interesting.

I want a passionate life.

The summer begins

Some times more than others, I miss:

golden canyons, crimson when near, with a well-spoken stream below
a liberal class of society so outspoken even I seem to blend
a place where green grass only grows in valley floors
a pre-sunset shadow falling before a granite wall

a unique, clear feeling

I miss Colorado.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

A smile after a run

As if my run within this mysterious rainy night was not enough to calm my spirit and make me believe in the inner beauty of life, I helped a young lady during my walk to cool down.

She was sitting on the street corner crying. Two drunk people were unsuccessfully trying to console her. My kryptonite is a girl crying. I asked her if she would like to walk with me during my cool down. I then asked if she was crying because she lost her shoes. (She was barefoot.) I tricked her into smiling. Laughter is the most intelligent, most sincere part of our soul. And when we release it, we give our heart strength to fly even in the most trying of times.

The person she was crying about soon came to talk to her. I hope she found some happiness tonight. I also hope one relationship does not taint her life.

It felt good to help someone in need. Even replacing one tear with a smile is good enough for me.

"Deus Caritas Est"

God is love.

I've never made it perfectly clear how I feel about Yahweh. Let me try to explain ...

The perfect white light, the feeling of cool rain on warm skin, the warm breeze, the tingling sensation felt when something truly affects my conscious, the warmth of love, the purity of charity, the greatness of the human spirit in the face of adversity ...

This would only describe the very surface, the most outer layer of the way I feel of Yahweh. When in danger, when in love, when there is any question of passion, I always turn towards an inner light. I find truth in this presence. I find my higher quality and my higher meaning. I find Yahweh in people's hearts, minds and souls. I find the hidden and mysterious name, the name of the substance, the proper name within the truth.

Imagine staring at a dim yellow light your whole life. All of society talks about how great this light is. Deep down in your heart, you know how this light is dim, but to go against the grain would be hard. Like turning yourself into water and throwing yourself onto the roaring fire of society, you would only sizzle and then dissipate into a cloud of mist. Your very essence would be consumed in the flames. So you keep going with society because it is the rational thing to do.

However someday a person will open the door to your little room and let in the world. The sun's magnificent, radiant, white light will pour through the room. It will cause your pupils to constrict. It will shower your very skin with warmth. Instantly, you will have seen the truth. Instantly, the dim yellow light can be no more. The truth has come out. It has shown you the right way, the true way to happiness. Maybe you will be able to lie to yourself, but only in the torment of your own mind. Who could possible turn away from the sun for a dim yellow light? Your body craves it. Your soul craves it. Being held away would be torture, and no great reward from society could equal the warmth and glow of those rays.

Only in the sunlight will we ever see the truth.


About Me

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Ambitiously enduring.